Way Back in about 1945.

We had a neighbor who was so slow that his nick-name was "Lightnin."
One day my dad and a friend were out back solving all the problems of
the war and all when Lightnin rode up on his mule. As they were solving
these problems, Dad idly walked behind the mule with a turpentine soaked
corn cob. He lifted the mules tail and swiped it just one time. If
"Lightnin" and his
mule haven't passed your house today, they should be there soon.
AND ITHOUGHT ONLY RAINDEER COULD FLY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was
covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do
you do for a living?"

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.
When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything
okay with your car now?"

Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that
the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars
worth of blinker fluid."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Not To Put On Your Resume

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". "
I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Murder At Kroger's

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young Husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse
was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

[You're going to hate me for this] OK here it is................

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER'S"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BaBs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The department store Santa Claus was more
than a trifle surprised when a beautiful
young lady about twenty years old walked
up and sat on his lap. But Santa quickly
recovered, and started talking to the
college-type lass.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" asked
Santa.

"Something for my mother," said the young
lady.

"Well, that's what I call thoughtful," smiled
Santa. "What can I bring for your mother?"

After a moment's thought, the girl brightened,
turned to Santa, and said, "I'd like for her
to get a son-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. There
was
one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she
would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a
patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we
ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold
had
received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his
bed
side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The
juice
was apple juice. So..... you know where the juice went. The nurse came
in
a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My,
but
it seems we are a little cloudy today....."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the
top,
and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe
I
can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trooper Excuses
1. Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My wife ran off with a
state
policeman and when I saw your flashing lights I didn't stop because I
thought you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her back to me.


2. When I was 16 I was pulled over for running a yellow light. When the
officer (male) asked why I had done it, I replied without thinking. "My
dog
was neutered today and I have to get home and check him out." Needless
to
say, I didn't get a ticket that day."


3. I was driving Braille in a old VW bug coming home from San Francisco
late one night with a friend and we had been drinking. A California
Highway
Patrol car stopped us and asked why my car was swaying back and forth
and if
I had been drinking. I told him that the front-end of my car was in
really
bad shape and couldn't help driving like that. I told him I had one
drink
and wasn't drunk. He gave me a sobriety test and somehow I passed and he
believed my story. He turned to the other patrolman and said..." I told
you
he probably had something wrong with his front-end." Then he let me
drive on
home. There wasn't anything wrong with my car!


4. Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many years that I
forgot
how to read the signs in miles per hour. I sure am glad to be home and
have
someone remind me! He let me go with a warning.


5. Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me that he had some really
good tires for my old car here, but they were a little bit bigger than
the
old ones. That must have thrown off the cruise-control, because I had it
set
at 67 mph, like usual." I was scolded for trying to go two miles over
the
speed limit, and let go.


6. This guy was driving down the freeway and was stopped by the
California
Highway Patrol for talking on his cell phone, shaving with his electric
razor and steering the car with his elbow all at the same time!


7. A guy was driving down a country road, at night, in a convertible
and he
heard a loud noise in the back of his car. Apparently a deer was jumping
out
of the bush into the road and landed in the back seat of his car.
Needless
to say the man was very startled and was lucky not to get into an
accident.


8. A guy hit a deer and thought he killed it. Thinking that it would be
good eating, he put the deer in the back of his car. The deer was only
stunned and when it woke up it started to kick the driver tried to bite
him.
He pulled over with the deer still stuck in his car. As he was walking
to a
near by phone booth to call for help, a dog started to chase him and
trapped
him in the phone booth where he had to call the police and explain his
troubles.


9. This excuse I have actually used and it worked. I had gotten pulled
over
for speeding, and I told the cop I had dropped a cigarette in my lap,
and
while lifting my butt up to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently
pushed
down on the gas pedal...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bone weary public servants were working their little
hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy
for staff to be able take flex time. But there had to be a way........
One
of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get
some
time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No
sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out
a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up.

"Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside
down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch
Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the
worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on
earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get
out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here
for at
least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir" the public servant answered meekly, then jumped
down, logged off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg.
-
Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear,
"Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
-
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this
been going on." The doctor
asked.
-
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his
ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars,
just lend me 10 bucks!!"
-
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything
like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
-
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my
ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle
plead,
"Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will."
-
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing
about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his
medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though.
-
- Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your
leg seems to be broke in three places."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged
him unmercifully. From morning til night (and
sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any
relief was when he was out plowing with his
old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when
he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch
in the field. He drove the old mule into the
shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All
of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the
head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister
noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner
would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but
when a man mourner approached him, he would listen
for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to
ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old
farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come
up and say something about how nice my wife looked,
or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A piece of string walks into a bar, and the bartender says to
him, "Hey buddy! We don't serve pieces of string here! Can't
you read the sign?" And kicks the piece of string out of the bar.
So the piece of string sneaks back into the bar, and sits down,
and the bartender catches him. "Hey buddy! How many times do
I have to tell you? Get outta' here!" And kicks the piece of
string out again.
So the string is outside the bar, and decides to create a
disguise for himself to get inside. So he ties his head in
a knot, and roughs up the end on top and walks confidently
back into the bar and sits down. The bartender walks up to
him handing him a drink, and looking suspiciously at him,
says "Hey... weren't you that piece of string I kicked out
of here just a little while ago?" And the piece of string
replies "No, I'm afraid not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You need to read this BEFORE Christmas.
****
Twas The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox.
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's.
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU BOUGHT.......

YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'A NOT ALLTHAT FAR AWAY YA KNOW.....JIM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home
visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral
plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what
was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing
her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.
He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion.
He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor
the grieving widow's wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners
might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully
introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of
humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the
introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and
began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song,
the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad
he'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been
so comforting.
After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music
ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite
song I requested was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"