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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.


Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

TUESDAY AUGUST 22,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: "Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." -- Woody Allen

One-Liners
Bi-polar: One who lives at north pole and commutes
to south pole every morning. --Lawrence

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Home is where you can say anything you
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another
man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for
the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best
there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for
a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at
birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.

After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son.
The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read,
"Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, Morris, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to
this point, could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" Morris exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Chief Forget-me Not
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the
way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there
ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the
manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the
agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of
his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his
phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of
his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have
for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant
reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He
went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East coast
and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me-not's great memory. (One
local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an
Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton
six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a
stick. "How," said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARRIAGE
BEEN THERE,DONE IT.FAILED X 2.A SMART MAN KNOWS TO QUIT WHILE HE'S STILL ALIVE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 family that happened to be very strong in their Baptist faith, decided
they wanted to get a pet. They had one requirement -- the pet had to be
Baptist, also!

So one day they drove to the pet store where they proceeded to ask the
owner,

"Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?"

Surprised by the question, the pet shop owner looked around his shop and
thought about it for a while and finally nodded, saying,

"Wait... a.... minute...... yes, I think we just might have a dog that
could fit your description."

The owner walks over to a group of cages and brings out a small dog to
the family, and the father says,

"We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father says to
the dog, "Go find a bible."

Unbelievablly, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street, and
into a church.....returning with.....of all things....a bible in its
mouth! He runs up to the family and plops down the book at their feet.

Genuinely impressed, the father continues,

"Let's see if this dog knows its books of the bible, tho... 'Turn to
the book of Psalms,'" he commands the dog.

The dog immediately opens the bible with its snout and paws through the
pages....stopping when it reaches Psalms.

Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they bring it
home. The next day, the family has visitors. Proudly, the family shows
off their little Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends of the family ask, "Nice! But, can it do any other
tricks that normal dogs do?"

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. We've never
tried any other commands." He then orders the dog, "Heel."

Suddenly the dog leaps onto the father's lap and places its paw on the
man's head and starts to pray.

"Wait..... a..... minute!" exclaim the friends of the family.

"That dog isn't Baptist!..... It's Pentecostal!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved
old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the
priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent
football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my
opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the
priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve
of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other
team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his
sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful
things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Ten Commandments of Marriage:
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 Marriage is
grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4 Married life is
very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will
lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife
who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the
law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a
matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic
waste.

Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go
Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Melbourne and mine is in
Brisbane.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me, "In the
lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight but, BOY, can she climb a tree now.

9. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

11. Remember, .Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100 percent of all divorces started with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created
man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor
man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A long-married couple
came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in
a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too
far, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment,
but then smiled; "It really works!" In the Clinton administration we
worried the president would open his zipper. In the Bush administration,
they worry the president will open his mouth. "A military judge ruled
that Abu Ghraib Prison should be preserved as a crime scene .. " Why
stop there? How about yellow-taping the Oval Office while you're about
it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Singing In Church

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday
morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged
Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the
Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex!"

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all
nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old
87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to
perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the
door. The Rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and
asked several questions.

"Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Jewish woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the Rabbi.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the Rabbi asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate- clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While employed at a card-and-gift shop, I received a call from a young woman who had ordered wedding invitations just two weeks before. She wanted to know if it was too late to make a few changes on them. I told her to give me the new information and I would check with the printer. "Okay," she said. "It's a different date, a different church and a different guy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I did get even with my parents. My parents came to stay with me for the weekend in my apartment. You know what I did? I made 'em sleep in separate bedrooms.

My mother said, "What, are you crazy? I've been sleeping with this man for years."

I said, "Look, I don't care what you do on the outside, but when you're in my house..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to
Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a
one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer,
how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want
to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked
him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give
a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement
of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much
money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear,
"Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give
you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After our daughter's car wouldn't start, for the 5th time,
we asked our neighbors, northern implantss, like us, who to call.
They suggested the local garage and told us to ask for the asked
for the manager, Ahmed.  An unusual name for the owner of "Rebel
Garage", but who were we to judge.  So we called him.
"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who
answered the phone.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I was looking for Ahmed."
"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"
"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" I asked.
"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think down here think
I'm saying, 'I'm Ed.' I figure it's just easier to be Ed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland
on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway
he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an
assortment of Human Skulls.

"What are you doing?" asked the American.

"I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St.
Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916
rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland
... god bless his soul."

"Sorry," said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him ?50.00 in cash.

Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub.
People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a
fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his
retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made
him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw
the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

"God," said Bud, "What are you doing?"

"I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St.
Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916
rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland
... god bless his soul."

"Sorry," said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"Well!" said Bud, "I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull
a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the
skull was St. Patrick."

"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see ... This is
St. Patrick when he was a boy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next
month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What
do you think he'd like? Carol

Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering

Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget
it.

Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any
suggestions? Sam

Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a
man my age with no bad habits. Rose

Dear Rose, So would I.

Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess

Dear Bess, Night and day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor: Do you remember what your husband's last words were?

Wife: Oh, yes. He said, "I wonder how they can make a profit
selling this red salmon at fifteen cents a can?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing
where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same
thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that, since so many were being laid off, Coke
executives were going to forego all raises and bonuses for the
next year?

No? Well, neither did anyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two women golfers are out on the course one day.

The first woman tees up her ball, swings, and watches as it takes
off on a 90-degree angle.

It flies about 30 yards, hits a tree, bounces off a nearby cart
path, hits a house, flies off the house, and finally comes to rest
in the middle of the fairway.

"Hey!" says her friend, giving her a miffed look. "Why didn't you
tell me you've been practicing?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to the latest findings from NASA, the planet Mars has a
high concentration of sulfur, acid, magnesium and iron, causing it
to give off the odor of rotten eggs.

So, basically, Mars is like the New Jersey turnpike in July.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A stunning blonde recently got engaged. A friend asked her what
she could possibly want with a nerd like him.

The perky woman smiled and replied, "He possesses that rarest of
masculine virtues -- ten million dollars."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The office where I work promoted a co-worker to head the payroll
department, or Payment Management Systems.

The title on her door now reads, "PMS Director."

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**** Reader's Submissions ****
What is the difference between billiards,
snooker, and pool?

It is common to use the term "billiards" for all games played on
a billiard table that may or may not have pockets. However, there
is a more precise definition.

Carom, or French billiards, is played on a table without pockets
and only three balls are used, two white and one red. One white
ball is the "cue" ball, and the remaining balls are "object"
balls. To score a point, called a "carom" or "billiard," a player
must hit the cue ball so that it then hits the other two balls in
succession. In some games, the cue ball must also hit a cushion
one or more times to complete a carom. Carom is now a generic
term for any game played on a table without pockets.
Snooker is played on a table that has six pockets. The game is
played with a cue ball and 21 other balls; 15 are red and 6 are
numbered, colored balls. A player must first shoot a red ball
into a pocket. The player then tries shooting any other colored
ball into a pocket. If successful, the player continues to
alternately hit red and colored balls into a pocket. Every red
ball remains in the pocket but each colored ball is removed and
set on the table again. Once all of the red balls are in the
pockets, the six colored balls must be shot into pockets in their
numerical order.

Pool, which is also called "pocket billiards," is also played on
a six-pocket table. However, the pockets are usually wider than
those on a snooker table. The game is played with a cue ball and
numbered balls. Solid colors are used for balls 1 through 8, and
stripes for balls 9 through 15. There are many varieties of pool
games. When "Chicago" is played, for example, all balls must be
sunk in rotation. In "straight pool" balls can be sunk in any
order. However, the player must indicate the ball and the pocket,
and gets one point only if successful.

**** TODAYS LINKS ****

 Clear Answers to Common Questions

http://www.wisegeek.com/

 

Spending Money Saving Tips

http://www.shareyourbargains.com/

 

Make High Quality Dog Food At Home

http://www.dogfoodnews.com/

Draw Closer To God

http://www.my-tgif.com/drawcloser.htm

 

 The Trouble Tree

http://www.my-tgif.com/trouble_tree.shtml

 

Light Shining Our of Darkness

http://domania.us/SwordSisters/Inspirations7/LightShiningOutofDarkness.html

 

Those Old Time Hymns

http://bettyjomings.truepath.com/hymns.htm

 

 A Quiet Place

http://www.my-tgif.com/a_quiet_place.shtml

Botulism Warning for Green Beans
http://www.emergencyemail.org/newsemergency/anmviewer.asp?a=229&z=1

 

**** ON THIS DAY ****

http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Perspective

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The Lord's prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
FLASH VIDEO PLAYER
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-22-

Rod Brasfield born "Rodney Leon Brasfield" in Smithville, MS 1910.

Doyle Blackwood of "The Blackwood Brothers" born Ackerman, MS 1911.

Connie B. Gray, born Lizard Lick, NC 1914. Connie was the first President of the CMA. Elected CMHF 1980.

Dale Hawkins, Rockabilly singer/guitarist/songwriter, wrote and recorded "Suzie Q" born Goldmine, LA 1938. Inducted Rockabilly Hall of Fame.

Sam Neely, born Cuero, TX 1948.

Marian Leighton-Levy, one of the founders of Rounder Records, born Harrington, ME 1948.

Pee Wee King recorded "Deck Of Cards" 1953.

Goldie Hill made a guest appearance on the Grand Ole Opry 1953.

Elvis began filming his first movie, "Love Me Tender" 1956.

Holly Dunn born San Antonio, TX 1957.

Collin Raye "Floyd Collin Wray," singer/songwriter/guitarist, born De Queen, AR 1959.

Johnny Bond's single "Hot Rod Lincoln" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 Chart 1960.

Ricky Lynn Gregg, born Longview, TX 1961.

Mila Mason born Murray, KY 1963.

George Jones became Tammy Wynette's third husband 1968.

Johnny Cash played Gdansk, Poland 1987.

Roy Clark joined the Grand Ole Opry 1987.

O.V. "Mooney" Lynn Jr., Loretta Lynn's husband, died 1996. Loretta married Mooney when she was thirteen years old.

Jo Dee Messina's single "I'm Alright" charted 1998.

LeAnn Rimes released "Can't Fight The Moonlight," 2002.

Floyd Tillman, age 88, died at his home in Bacliff, Texas 2003.

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

T.G. SHEPPARD & KELLY LANG
BECOME
MR. & MRS. T.G. SHEPPARD
A NIGHT OF HAPPINESS & TOGETHERNESS


At 7:30PM/CST tonight in Gallatin, Tn. as the sun set over beautiful Old Hickory Lake, there was music and happiness all around the guests who were invited to one of the most beautiful homes on the lake, to celebrate to wedding of our friends, Kelly Lang and T.G. Sheppard.

T.G. came out to the gazebo with his son who was his best man, and waited for his bride to be, as she came down the steps with her children to meet her husband to be. She was dressed in a beautiful white full-length gown, and she was as beautiful as I have ever seen her, and T was the handsome prince smiling as he took her hand and led her into the gazebo to take their vows. They exchanged their wedding vows, placed the wedding rings on each others hands, and finally the minister said the magic words that we had all waited to hear, "I now pronounce you man and wife, and then told T that he could kiss his bride." If you will look at the smiles in the above picture, you will see the happiness that will make their marriage complete. They have been knowing each other many years, and have been dating for over 6 years, so all of us in the industry know that this marriage was meant for each of them to live happily ever after.

They went into the mansion for a few minutes then returned to greet all of their friends and guests. Then the awesome wedding cake was brought out and T and Kelly brought everyone up on the steps and balcony of this beautiful home, where they cut the cake and again pledged their love for each other, with the exchange of cake to each other and the champagne toast that followed. In the many years that I have known T.G. and Kelly, I cannot recall ever seeing them this happy. In T.G., Kelly has a caring and loving husband, who was there for here through her serious health issues, and Kelly is the shoulder and love for T to be able to lean on. Happiness is not something that is bought with money, it is given freely with time and togetherness, and tonight I was envious to see this much happiness and togetherness within these two wonderful human beings. God Has Blessed them and touched their hearts and minds and souls with his loving hand.

Some of those in attendance for the wedding were the members of T.G.'s band, Ric, Jimmy, Tim, Kenny, Smoke, and Greg, The Oak Ridge Boys, Lorrie Morgan as beautiful as ever, and her son, who I think looks like his Mom, Helen Cornelius, Jeannie Seely, Pete Fisher and his wife, Roxanne Russell Atwood and her husband Tim, who is a member of the Grand Ole Opry Staff Band, The Mayor of Hendersonville Scott Foster and his wife. I am sure that I have missed many of those that were there, and many that I did not know, so please forgive me.

Mr. & Mrs. T.G. Sheppard has a wonderful ring to it, does it not. And now they will spend the rest of their live's together, loving and caring for each other in all of their needs and with the love of The Good Lord to support them through their long life.

Congratulations Kelly and T for allowing us to be part of your magic night.

Marty Martel 

Dolly Parton Consoles Jessica Simpson

August 20, 2007 — Last December when Jessica Simpson forgot the words to "9 to 5" while singing the classic tune in honor of Dolly Parton at the Kennedy Center Honors, her performance was so bad she was cut from the lineup when the gala aired on television.

"I failed," Jessica says in the new issue of Self magazine. "I let people down. But Dolly wrote me the kindest words. She said, 'I will always love you,' and 'Don't listen to what these people are saying,' and 'I can't remember those words when I sing that damn song, and I wrote it.'"

Jessie blamed her disastrous performance on being nervous after her voice cracked three months earlier while singing on the "Today" show. 
 

Garth Back on Hit Parade

Josh Grossberg

Los Angeles (E! Online) - The music isn't over for Garth Brooks. Not by a long shot.

Seven years after hanging up his Stetson and heading into semiretirement, the country superstar is ready for a comeback...of sorts. Brooks has cowritten and recorded four new cuts that will grace a greatest-hits package hitting stores Nov. 6.

Ultimate Hits is actually a three-disc set containing two CDs, with 34 of his best known songs and a DVD of videos. With his exclusive two-year distribution deal with Wal-Mart expiring on July 7, Brooks, now 45, will self-release the collection to retailers nationwide via his Pearl Records.

At a Nashville press conference Saturday, the "Friends in Low Places" singer said he would promote the retrospective by making the publicity rounds on radio, television, satellite—you name it.

"You're going to see us everywhere," Brooks told reporters. "It's my job to let people know it's out there. And then after February, I'm going to go back to whatever I was doing before this."

After becoming the bestselling solo artist of all time, topping the 100 million album mark in the U.S., Brooks called it quits in 2000 to be a father to his three daughters in Oklahoma. Aside from an occasional benefit appearance with his second wife and fellow country star, Trisha Yearwood, he has largely stuck to his promise not to take to the stage until his youngest daughter graduates from high school in 2015.

That means fans shouldn't expect a tour in support of the compilation. However, the two-time Grammy winner did reveal plans to give a concert for Wal-Mart as a way of thanking the retail giant for helping him sell nearly 20 million units during the first year of their partnership. He also didn't rule out the possibility of doing more live events.

"If we're going to do something on that scale, we're going to find a way to bring it locally into your town," he said.

Yearwoods' label, Big Machine Records, will handle promotional duties for the album.

The first new track to be released as a single, "More Than a Memory," is a poignant ballad that goes out to radio stations nationwide Aug. 27. The other new recordings are "Leave the Light On," "Midnight Sun" and a duet with Huey Lewis on the latter's 1982 hit "Workin' for a Livin'."

According to Brooks, Ultimate Hits will feature two album covers—a regular and a limited edition—and will be retail priced between $11 and $14.

The set won't be available for download on iTunes, however, as the entertainer and Apple failed to rope an online agreement.

Brooks' last studio album was 2001's Scarecrow, which debuted atop the Billboard charts—the seventh number one album of his career—and has sold over 3 million copies.


ABSOLUTELY AWESOME


If you were not able to listen into the Ernest Tubb Midnight Jamboree Saturday night, or you forgot, you missed a very special night in country music, the reunion of one of the most dynamic duets in our music industry, DAVID FRIZZELL & SHELLY WEST. They have and still do, a very special chemistry between them that we have missed for 25 years, and last night's performance on the ETMJ is evident that we will be hearing much more from David and Shelly.

David looked great and his voice was right on the money. He is the true entertainer, singer in country music and continues to bring the name of Frizzell to the forefront of country music, and it does not hurt to be the brother of Lefty Frizzell.

Shelly looked fabulous and sounded as awesome as in the days that they were the CMA Award winning duet. She did not miss a beat in this reunion of these two giants in country music. But to say that she looked great, would not be enough, she was beautiful, and they both sang like it was just yesterday that they had recorded "Your The Reason God Made Oklahoma."

The record shop was filled to capacity to witness this super reunion, and none of us were disappointed. I could see things happening once again for both of them and I am keeping my fingers crossed that one of the major labels in town will also see the great potential of this powerful duet team.

Congratulations David and Shelly and we can't wait to hear more great music from you.