|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
| << August23, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
August27, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
 From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends
are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
TGIF I was selling surplus vegetables from our garden at the farmers' market. Toward the end of the season, some of the otherwise delicious sweet corn began to show a little caterpillar damage at the tips. If I noticed such imperfections, I'd put a bonus ear into each customer's bag. One busy Saturday I gave an extra ear to each of two customers in succession, then noticed that the third in line was a particularly picky buyer. Hoping to avoid criticism, I carefully selected 12 perfect ears for her. It was the wrong strategy. "How come you gave me only 12 and them 13?" she asked sharply. "Because I gave you a dozen good ears and there were worms in some of theirs," I answered in a conciliatory manner. "Well, then," she snapped, "I want a worm too!" I meekly found a wormy ear and stuffed it in her bag. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The selling and selecting of watermelons in the South becomes a way of life in summer. Just about every one of my customers thumps many melons before making a final selection, but no one can ever agree on exactly what the proper sound of a ripe melon should be. One afternoon a blind man, a piano tuner by trade, came into my store to choose his melon. He felt and thumped some of the larger melons, but he always returned to the same one. Then, with two final resounding thumps, he announced, "B flat! I'll take it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last
available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.
The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young and smart to do that." The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap. "Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of our church deacons, a barber, at the Baptist church in Alabama, was feeling guilty because he had never witnessed for the Lord. One day a man came into his barbershop and asked for a shave. The barber put him in the chair and lathered his face. He thought this would be the perfect time to witness to the customer. Nervously he asked, "S-S-Sir, are you r-r-ready to m-m-m-meet the L-L-Lord?" The man opened his eyes wide, and saw the barber holding the razor with a shaking hand. He jumped out of his chair and took off running down the street with the hair cloth flapping in the wind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the lady whose cooking was so bad the flies took up a collection to have a patch put on her screen door? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband, Wally, used to work as a public-relations security guard at a beautiful museum. One day, as he made his usual tour of the interior, he noticed a lady completely enthralled with a large totem pole that stretched up to the ceiling. As Wally approached her, she asked, "Do you know where I can buy the seeds for this one?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of me wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was golfing with a soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan. His plans included becoming a greens keeper once he was discharged in a few months. He applied to a local college for its golf course superintendent program, but the department chair worried that he might not be up for the job. "It's stressful," he said. "You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members." "Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?" asked the soldier. "Of course not." "I'll take the job." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My sister tells how one day a dozen roses were delivered to her with a card reading only: "Someone who loves you. " No name. Being single, her first thoughts were of the men in her life - old boyfriends, new acquaintances. Or could it be Mom and Dad? Someone at work? She mentally ran down the list. Finally she called a friend to help her go over the possibilities. Something the friend said provided a clue. "Janet, did you send the flowers?" my sister asked. "Yes." "Why?" "Because you sounded so depressed the last time we talked that I wanted you to spend the day thinking about all the people who love you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While meeting with my Auto Insurance agent, Carl, I confessed to him that I'd been comparing rates on the Internet and had gotten a quote that was 30% less than his. "Tell me, Frank," responded Carl, "when you have an emergency, whom do you want to deal with -- a man or a mouse?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had taken a rare day off from work and, having shed the corporate uniform, was dressed scruffily, with my hair in rollers. Glancing out my window, I saw a van blocking my driveway. Incensed, I flew to the door and told the driver to move it immediately. About an hour later, all dressed up to go shopping, I was backing my car out of the driveway and noticed the driver standing on the sidewalk. A little embarrassed, I smiled and nodded hello. "Ma'am," he said to me. "I hope your grandmother is only visiting. She is one tough old cookie." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the garden centre a customer ordered several rolls of sod. After ringing up the purchase I told him the total. "That's too expensive," he said. "But it includes tax," I replied, trying to be helpful. "I don't think I'll need tacks," he said slowly. "It should stay down by itself." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday. "Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said. "Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area." Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&   &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Reader's Submissions
**** I like the new format; (as of today!)! I usually have to
scroll from side to side to read the whole thing! :) D.
THANKS, I'M ALWAYS TRYING SOMETHING NEW
norm
**** TODAYS LINKS
****
Name That
Star
http://d21c. Mob Gangland http://www.gangland Innkeeper Recipes http://www.bbonline Mills and Water Power - An Introduction http://www.osv. Science Museum Via
Dianne
http://www.sciencem 2000 Unofficial Uses for
WD-40
http://www.twbc. Game All Out
**** ON THIS DAY ****
and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ " A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted. " -Martha Stewart ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Great Dane: the kind of puppy that has the house broken before he is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@joink.com subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****  High finishes turn around Andretti's 'disaster' season FLASH VIDEO
PLAYER
 Race 15
of 17 Sonoma, California 2006 Winner: Marco Andretti Distance: 80 laps/184 miles TV: 3:30 p.m. on
ESPN Radio: IMS Radio
Network » Motorcycle
officials tour new Indianapolis course
INDIANAPOLIS (AP)
— The first inspection lap of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway's new motorcycle
course by officials of the sport's world sanctioning group was on foot.
A little more than one year before the inaugural Red Bull Indianapolis GP, officials from the Geneva-based International Motorcycling Federation toured the 2.601-mile road course Wednesday and Thursday and said they were pleased with the progress of the construction. "The goal of this
visit was to finalize the last drawing (of the course) we are laying for the
race," FIM safety director Claude Danis said. "The next visit, we'll decide the
exact position of the walls, the openings, the curbs, things like
that."
The Indianapolis
race scheduled on Sept. 14, 2008, will be part of the MotoGP World
Championship.
Danis, FIM race
director Paul Butler and MotoGP rider safety representative Franco Uncini, a
former motorcycle world champion, walked the course with speedway engineers and
officials Wednesday.
FIND MORE STORIES
IN: Wednesday | INDIANAPOLIS | Indianapolis 500 | Indianapolis Motor Speedway |
Motorcycle | Motorcycling
The road layout will be slightly different from the configuration used the past eight years in the Formula One U.S. Grand Prix, which will not return in 2008. The construction, which began after the NASCAR Allstate 400 at the Brickyard last month, is expected to be finished before the track opens for Indianapolis 500 practice next May. The Associated
Press
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -24- Earl Johnson, fiddler/session musician, born Gwinnet County, GA 1886. Fred Rose music industry executive, born Evansville, IN 1897. Elected CMHF 1961. Ronee Blakley, singer/songwriter/actress born Stanley, ID 1945. John Cowan, of "New Grass Revival" born Evansville, IN 1952. Ed Butler, of the "Red Clay Ramblers" born Baltimore, MD 1953. Stonewall Jackson's "Waterloo" topped the charts 1959. Johnny Cash, and Vivian Liberto Cash became parents for the fourth time, when Tara was born in Encino, CA 1961. Buck Owens recorded "Waitin' In Your Welfare Line" 1965. Kristyn Osborn "SheDaisy" born Magna, UT 1970. Clint Daniels, singer/songwriter/guitarist, born Panama City, FL 1974. Johnny Paycheck recorded "Take This Job and Shove It" 1977. It might not surprise you to known that David Allen Coe wrote the song. Waylon Jennings arrested for conspiracy, and possession of Cocaine, by Federal Agents 1977. Nat Stuckey, age 54, died of lung cancer 1988. Session drummer Larrie Londin, age 50, died in Nashville 1992. Curb released Junior Brown's "Guit with It" 1993. Joe Diffie and wife Debra were divorced 1994. Jerry Clower, age 71, died in Jackson, MS, five days after heart surgery 1998. Platinum Records released "Suzy Bogguss" 1999. Collectables released "The Very Best of Tommy Cash" 1999. The Amazing Rhythm Aces released their album "Chock Full of Country Goodness" 1999. Audie Ashworth, age 78, DJ/music publisher, died 2000. June Carter Cash had pacemaker implant surgery 2001. -25- Jerry Rivers, fiddler for the Drifting Cowboys, born Miami, FL 1928. Bill Denny born Nashville, TN 1935. Rex Allen and Bonita Linder were married 1946. Henry Paul, "BlackHawk," born Kingston, NY 1949. The Louvin Brothers first recording session 1949. Judd Erickson singer/songwriter, born Richfield, MN 1953. Bill Doggett's #1 single "Honky Tonk (Parts 1 & 2}" debuted on the charts 1956. Tim Mensy born Mechanicsville, VA 1959. Billy Ray Cyrus, singer/actor/guitarist, born Flatwoods, KY 1961. Jeff Tweedy of "Uncle Tupelo" born Belleville, IL 1967. Jo Dee Messina, born Holliston, MA 1970. Charlie Daniels topped the charts with "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" 1979. The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band went to #1 with "Long Hard Road" 1984. Alabama released their album "For The Record" 1998. Warner Brothers Records released Bill Anderson's album "Fine Wine" 1998. Sony released Lynn Anderson's album "Pure Country" 1998. Intersound Records released T. Graham Brown's "Wine Into Water" 1998. Cliff Bruner, age 85, Western Swing fiddler/band leader, died 2000. Billy Joe Shaver suffered a heart attack, after a performance in New Braunfels, TX 2001. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Some Webcasters balk at new royalty payment Music industry's offer doesn't cover independent artists By DIBYA SARKAR Associated Press WASHINGTON — Some small Internet radio broadcasters are rejecting a new offer from a music industry group to pay discounted royalty rates for streaming music online through 2010. SoundExchange, the music industry group that collects royalties from Webcasters and distributes them to artists and record labels, said its offer was aimed at resolving a dispute over higher fees due July 15. Smaller providers said the higher royalties would be too big of a financial burden. Under the latest SoundExchange offer, qualified Webcasters — stations that earn $1.25 million or less in annual gross revenue and with a certain size audience — could pay royalty fees of 10 percent or 12 percent of annual revenue. Bill Goldsmith, who operates a small commercial Internet radio station called RadioParadise.com in Paradise, Calif., said Wednesday the proposal is not viable. He and five other Webcasters have been in negotiations with SoundExchange the past two months working on the terms of an agreement. Goldsmith characterized what SoundExchange offered as an attempt to "divide and conquer" the community of smaller Webcasters and reduce his group's clout. "This would be a huge step backward for us," Goldsmith said. Rusty Hodge, who operates a small Internet radio station called SomaFM in San Francisco, said he also won't take the offer because the revenue and audience criteria are too small "by any type of radio standards." Instead, he said, SoundExchange should follow the U.S. Small Business Administration's standard for a small broadcasting company, defined as earning $6 million or less in annual revenue. SoundExchange's offer also only covers recordings of its members, which represents more than 20,000 recording artists and 3,500 record labels, including all the major recording companies. Hodge said his station and many others play mostly independent artists, who are not represented by the group and would still be owed royalties at the new higher rates. Goldsmith said other smaller stations might be willing to sign anything to get out from under the burden of higher royalty rates. Offer expires Sept. 14 The radio stations have until Sept. 14 to accept the offer, SoundExchange said. Those who do not accept the SoundExchange offer would pay higher royalty rates mandated by a panel of three copyright judges earlier this year or stop streaming music. The judges ruled in May after the music industry and Webcasters were unable to agree on a royalty system to replace an expiredset of agreements. In a statement, John Simson, SoundExchange's executive director, said the proposal "takes the uncertainty out of the air as to most of their programming and lets them continue streaming." Larger players, such as major commercial radio stations and online companies, also have argued that the new higher rates could cripple the emerging business of streaming music online. SoundExchange, which said House lawmakers encouraged it to offer the new agreement to small Webcasters, said it is still working on an industrywide resolution to the conflict. This Week At The Opry Brad Paisley on Opry Live this Weekend Brad Paisley will perform for a full hour during Opry Live this Saturday on GAC! Tune in at 7 p.m. Central to watch Brad perform old favorites and new songs from his latest album 5TH GEAR, including the hit singles, "Ticks" and "Online"! ### This Week At The Opry Visit the Opry this weekend to see performances from Steve Wariner, Sunny Sweeney, Buddy Jewell, Mel Tillis, Jamey Johnson, and more! **** Amy's Kitchen **** Diabetic
Delight...
Gabi's World-Famous Low Carb
Bread
4 teaspoons bread machine yeast 1/2 teaspoon sugar, * 1 1/8 cup water (90-100°F) 3 tablespoons olive oil 3/4 teaspoon baking powder 1 teaspoon salt 1 tablespoon splenda 1 cup wheat gluten flour 1/4 cup oat flour 3/4 cup soy flour 1/4 cup flax seed meal 1/4 cup unprocessed wheat bran * The sugar is totally consumed by the yeast and does not contribute to the carb count. This bread is approximately 4 grams of carb per slice. 1. In the bread machine pan, put the water, oil, and sugar. 2. In a separate bowl, mix all the dry ingredients and the seeds if you are using them, with the exception of the yeast and baking powder. Mix well.Take out appoximately 1/4 cup. Pour the rest of dry ingredients into the pan. 3. Mix the reserved 1/4 cup of dry ingredients with the yeast and baking powder. Pour into the bread machine pan. 4. Use the three hour bake cycle. After 55 minutes, gently life the dough out and remove the paddle and place the dough back into the machine. This way, you will not have such a large hole in your bread.If you do it on the 80 minute cycle, remove the paddle after 30 minutes. Let cool. Place in a ziploc bag in the refrigerator. This bread seems to slice better when it is nice and cold. Makes great toast. This bread is a little more "spongey" in texture than regular bread. Our alterations: Add: 2 tablespoons sunflower seeds 2 tablespoon flax seeds 2 tablespoon sesame seeds Rye: Add: 2 tablespoons caraway seeds 1 teaspoon instant coffee 1 teaspoon cocoa 1/2 cup dark rye flour instead of the 1/4 cup oat flour and use 1/2 cup soy flour INSTEAD OF 3/4 cup Low / No
Fat:
Black Bottom Banana-Cream Pie
1 (9-inch) Pastry Crust 3 tablespoons cornstarch, divided 2 tablespoons sugar 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa Dash of salt 1-1/3 cups 1% low-fat milk, divided 1 ounce semisweet chocolate, chopped 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 large eggs 1 tablespoon stick margarine or butter 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 2 ounces block-style fat-free cream cheese, softened 2 cups sliced ripe banana (about 2 large bananas) 1-1/2 cups frozen fat-free whipped topping, thawed Chocolate curls (optional) Prepare and bake Pastry Crust in a 9-inch pie plate. Cool completely on a wire rack. Combine 1 tablespoon cornstarch, 2 tablespoons sugar, cocoa, and dash of salt in a small, heavy saucepan; gradually add 1/3 cup milk, stirring with a whisk. Cook 2 minutes over medium-low heat. Stir in chocolate; bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat to low; cook 1 minute, stirring constantly. Spread chocolate mixture into bottom of prepared crust. Combine 2 tablespoons cornstarch, 1/2 cup sugar, 1/4 teaspoon salt, eggs, 1 cup milk, and margarine in a heavy saucepan over medium heat, stirring constantly with a whisk. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, and cook 30 seconds or until thick. Remove from heat. Add vanilla. Beat cream cheese until light (about 30 seconds). Add 1/4 cup hot custard to cream cheese, and beat just until blended. Stir in remaining custard. Arrange banana slices on top of chocolate layer; spoon custard over bananas. Press plastic wrap onto surface of custard; chill 4 hours. Remove plastic wrap. Spread whipped topping evenly over custard. Garnish with chocolate curls, if desired. Chill until ready to serve. NUTRITIONAL INFO: calories: 315 carbohydrates: 49.6 g cholesterol: 58 fat: 10.1 g sodium: 253 mg protein: 6.9 g calcium: 94 mg iron: 1.4 mg fiber: 1.6 g YIELD: Yield: 8 servings (serving size: 1 wedge). **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why do
we have toenails and fingernails?
Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed
from various areas on the web and from my readers. All
are believed to be public
domain . If you hold copyright on
any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit,
or remove it which ever you prefer.
~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
|
| << August23, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
August27, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
|
Archives powered by Zinester's Mailing List Service
Details on The Funnies |
Browse for more newsletters at Zinester's Ezine Directory
Managed by Zinester's Mailing List Management |
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND .TRY N' STAY COOL.PLEASE DON'T
DRINK&DRIVE