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Subject: The Daily Funnies - September12, 2007



 
 



From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us.
Heaven Help Them

Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.



WEDNESDAY  SEPTEMBER 12,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Our recent vacation was great. My wife did all the driving, and all I did was sit behind the wheel and steer.


Here in Carlisle, no mail had been delivered for seven months. The
postal service in Washington contacted the postmaster for an
explanation. 'The bag ain't full yet,' was his reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes were working on a house. The one
who was nailing down siding would reach into
her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out
of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw
it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and
yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward
you aren't defective! They're for the other side
of the house!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've decided to cut back on TV snacking this football season. My
wife saw me getting ready with Pepsi, chips, chip dip, peanuts and
some pretzels, and said, 'Well, here he comes. The wide world of
sports!'
~~~~~~~~~~
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control
of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth
and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from
the wreckage and within a matter of minutes;
a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the
former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy
substance on it. Then they began fitting the
pieces together. In less than a half hour, they
had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking
good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the
crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used
to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate
booth paste."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If
you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of
intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if
you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to
question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the
next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even
overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as "Children's World! ". If you said,
"water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks",
what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you
said "glass", then go on to question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If
you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines
fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine
fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of
"no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you
bury the survivors - East Germany ! or West Germany or in "no man's
land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a
plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't
bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute
then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than
"one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you
are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Real Maturity
As I mature, with my gray hair and character lines, I am noticing
more and more girls interested in me. One asked me, if my hair was
real. I told her, "Would anyone buy hair like this? Another wanted
to know if my teeth were mine. I told her, "Certainly they are
mine. I just made the last payment."
But, all seriousness aside, more and more girls are giving me the
once over. Once they look at me, it's all over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into
a new apartment house in town. Very early the next morning,
the 3 1/2 -year-old ran into their bedroom to wake them up.
Mom dressed him and told him to play in the yard and let them rest for a
while longer.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells....
and they all work!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a
drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides
to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's
thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the
floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The
manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is
true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to
the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing
here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a
train?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Kitchen Complaint"

I made myself a warning sign; it's on my kitchen wall,
It wards off all those little thieves when they feel prone to call. They
snatch things from the cupboard shelves, the pantry's always bare. It's
impossible to cook a meal when food is everywhere.

The Quaker Oats have disappeared and though the word is mum,
my guess is someone wanted the container for a drum.
The sugar bowl cannot be found and underneath a bed,
I'm bound to find the chocolate chips and half a loaf of bread.

The baking soda's for a bath, a lemon's for the hair,
The cheese is in the mousetrap and no one seems to care. Marshmallows
stuck with toothpaste are for a childish craft, everyone takes what they
need while mother gets the shaft.

So the warning sign now clearly states: "Beware...Mom
is the winner! The culprit is the loser...and the loser
fixes dinner!"

~Author Unknown~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an
alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her
famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the
upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband
is reported to be in serious, but stable condition.

Luella has been charged with a "Misdewiener".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While traveling in Quebec, my father complained that all the street
signs were in French. His comments and sarcasm went on and on.
Then after passing a billboard for a restaurant that featured filet
mignon, he belted out, "Finally! Something in English!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the bottom-line difference between being single and
married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are.
When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy
person in the house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress
came by to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated
coffee," my son said facetiously. The waitress smiled and poured
him a cup.

Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot and
said, "Can I put a head on that for you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teachers Dilemma

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching
prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for
learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify
their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor
their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check
their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair
play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply
for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize
signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for
student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural
diversity of others, and oh, make
sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and
weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense
working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And, on my own
time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and
participate in staff development training.
I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence
will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And, I
am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.
You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor
web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who
might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those
who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal
education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.
And, I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,
newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books,
a bulletin board, and a big smile.
You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . . . . . NOT TO PRAY?

BaBs
~~~~~~~~

Subject: Dusty Underwear
 
  One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny,said to his wife "Perhaps
  We should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few
  Inches off of your butt!!"
 
 
  His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
  Comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear
  Out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??", he said to himself as a little
  "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
 
  "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in
  My underwear?" She replied with a snicker:....
 
  "It's not talcum powder......
 
  It's 'Miracle Grow'."
BaBs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Football Wedding"

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
 
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
 
"What do you call it?"
 
"We call it a football wedding."
 
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
 
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Housework"
 
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
 
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
house and there was no sign of the dog.
 
Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
 
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
 
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
 
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or
that something serious had happened.
 
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door.
 
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
 
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
 
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
 
"What happened here today?"
 
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
 
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
 
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Known Illnesses:
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea
addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by
exceeding your credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough
milk.
 


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**** Reader's Submissions ****

 
 



**** TODAYS LINKS ****

Doggie Tricks
 
 Over 2000 files covering 3000 years of world history
 
resource for hunting dinosaurs. With profiles of over 300
known dinosaurs, immerse yourself in a wealth of knowledge
about the giants that roamed the earth so long ago!
http://dinodictionary.com/
 
 
Game Bridges
Can you lay all of the bridges between the islands? Changes daily.

 



**** ON THIS DAY ****

CBS-TV debuted Hogan's Heroes on this date in 1965. The comedy took place in a World War II Nazi POW camp.

For six years the prisoners, under the lead of Colonel Robert Hogan (played
by former KNX radio air personality Bob Crane), managed to outwit the
incompetent and inept Nazi Colonel Wilhelm Klink (played very competently by
Werner Klemperer [2-time Emmy-Award winner for his role]) and Nazi Sgt.
Shultz (played quite deftly by John Banner).

RCA Victor began demonstrating a very early version of the long-playing
(LP), 33-1/3 RPM phonograph record on this date in 1931. It would be another
17 years before RCA rival Columbia would begin mass production of the LP.

The Perry Como Show moved to Saturday nights on NBC-TV on this date in 1955.
Soon, U.S.A. audiences would "Sing along with me ... I'm on my way to the
stars..." with the incomparable Mr. C. Como's hour long variety show
replaced his three-times-per-week, 15-minute show, which had been on the air
since 1948. The new version of The Perry Como Show soon became Saturday's
highest-rated TV program, beating CBS competitor Jackie Gleason.

The Smothers Brothers Show, a sitcom, debuted on CBS-TV on this date in
1965. Dick Smothers played young executive Dick Smothers, who worked for
publisher Leonard J. Costello (Rolland Winters). Dick was trying to enjoy
life as a prosperous bachelor, when his brother Tom (played by Tom) showed
up as an apprentice angel. Tom, who had been lost at sea some years before,
had to perform good deeds on earth in order to gain permanent angel wings.
Instead of the helpful angel, he was often the blundering angel, constantly
depending on brother Dick to get him out of scrape after scrape. The
Smothers Brothers Show ran in this format for one year. The funny and
talented duo returned in February of 1967 with The Smothers Brothers Comedy
Hour.


**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent.  I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing.
Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a  minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising. 
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!

 http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I'll be an old old man,but my wife will outlive me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I understand life isn't fair, but why couldn't it just once be
unfair in my favor?" ---Christy Murphy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
     subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-12-

Helen Carter, of the Carter Sisters, born Maces Springs, VA 1927.

The final TV production of Hometown Jamboree aired 1959. The popular show debuted on 12/18/49.

George Jones, The Possum, born Saratoga, TX 1931. Member of the Grand Ole Opry. Inducted CMHF 1992.

Vernon, Gladys, and Elvis Presley moved from Tupelo, to a small Memphis apartment in 1948.

Rod Brasfield, age 48, died 1958. Inducted CMHF 1987.

George Jones celebrated his 63rd birthday in 1994, by having triple bypass surgery, at Baptist Hospital in Nashville.

Varese Vintage released Roy Clark's "Greatest Hits" 1995.

Rodney Crowell wed his long-time girl friend Claudia Church, in 1998.

Monument released Wade Hayes album "Highways and Heartaches" 2000.

Elektra released Emmylou Harris' album "Red Dirt Girl" 2000.

Koch released Asleep At The Wheel's 2-CD set "Comin' Right at Ya/Texas Gold" in 2000.Dan

Dan Rather interviewed the Dixie Chicks on the CBS television network. Dan pointed out to the girls that after selling 200 Million dollars worth of records, they should be millionaires. They weren't, so shortly after the telecast they sued SONY, and received a huge settlement 2002.

Johnny Cash, age 71, died in Baptist Hospital, Nashville, TN 2003. John has been inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame, Rockabilly Hall of Fame, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame.

Carolyn Dawn Johnson won five awards at the Canadian Country Music Association Awards in 2004.



 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

HANK THOMPSON TO BE HONORED IN WACO, TX, ON OCTOBER 8TH

Tickets to the event: phone 254.776.1660

Country Music Legend Hank Thompson will be honored in his hometown whenhe performs at 5:30pm on October 8th at The Heart O’ Texas Fair in Waco. Governor Rick Perry and Mayor Virginia DuPuy have declared October 8, 2007, “Hank Thompson Day” in The State of Texas and in The City of Waco.

Few country music artists can claim a longevity and track record to equal that of Hank Thompson. Between 1948 and 1974 he scored no less than twenty-nine Top Ten hits, with another nineteen in the Top Twenty, and continued to chart into the 1980s. Many of these, including “Green Light,” “Whoa Sailor,” and “Waiting in the Lobby of Your Heart,” he penned himself, thus proving his stature in country music’s great singer-songwriter tradition. Along the way Thompson forged a potent blend of honky-tonk and western swing that has long served as a source of continuity amid country’s experimentation with rock and pop sounds.

Like many country stars, Henry William Thompson took an early interest in music, winning several amateur contests on the harmonica. After he became enthralled by cowboy movie idol Gene Autry, however, the guitar became Thompson’s instrument of choice. With a Christmas present from his parents, a four-dollar guitar bought at a secondhand store, young Hank was on his way. By the time he finished high school he was broadcasting over radio station WACO as Hank the Hired Hand, sponsored by a local flour company.

After graduating, Thompson enlisted in the U.S. Navy. While stationed in San Diego, he persuaded his superiors to let him play area clubs, and after putting out to sea, he entertained his shipmates as well. He kept on broadcasting, too, over a network of small stations organized by American military personnel in the South Pacific. While in the navy he also took advantage of training programs and studied electrical engineering at Southern Methodist University, the University of Texas, and Princeton University—making him one of country music’s better-educated stars.

Although he pondered an engineering career after his navy stint was over, radio work and his first hit record, “Whoa Sailor,” kept him on a show business track. Assisted by prominent DJ Hal Horton of the 50,000-watt KRLD in Dallas, this Globe Records release became a minor regional success. Thompson also recorded four sides with the Blue Bonnet label before Tex Ritter, then a prominent star on Capitol Records, helped him gain a contract with this larger, major label. During 1948–1949 Thompson justified Ritter’s faith in him with hits such as “Humpty Dumpty Heart” (based on the children’s nursery rhyme), “Green Light,” and a remake of “Whoa, Sailor.”

During the 1950s Thompson’s songwriting talents, smooth baritone, precise diction, and powerful combination of western swing and honky-tonk sounds helped him continue his string of hits. The year 1952 brought his first #1 disc, “The Wild Side of Life,” a song that inspired the hit that launched Kitty Wells’s career: “It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky-Tonk Angels.” Subsequent Thompson chartmakers of the 1950s included “Waiting in the Lobby of Your Heart,” “Rub-A-Dub-Dub,” “Yesterday’s Girl,” “Wake Up, Irene,” “Honky Tonk Girl,” “Most of All,” “The Blackboard of My Heart,” and “Squaws Along the Yukon,” all in the Top Ten.

During these years Thompson also made inroads into television, hosting a variety show on WKY-TV in Oklahoma City from 1954 to 1957. In addition, he was one of the earliest country performers to entertain in Las Vegas showrooms, and he recorded one of country’s first live albums, Live at the Golden Nugget, there in 1960. Meanwhile, he brought his engineering knowledge to bear on his stage show and built top-flight sound and lighting systems that heightened his drawing power at the more than 250 show dates he typically played each year. Thanks to his musical and technical leadership, his Brazos Valley Boys were Billboard’s top-ranked band from 1953 to 1965, a record that has yet to be equaled.

Into the 1960s and beyond, Thompson’s easy manner made him a welcome guest on network TV variety shows, as did a dynamic stage presence magnified by his size (he stands six feet, two inches tall); a rough-hewn, handsome appearance; and custom-made western outfits for which he became famous. But following “A Six Pack to Go” (#10, 1960) and “Oklahoma Hills” (#7,1961), he didn’t make the Top Ten again until 1968’s “On Tap, in the Can, or in the Bottle” and “Smoky the Bar,” both recorded early in his association with Dot Records, which he began after a brief stay at Warner Bros. in the late 1960s. Two more Top Ten hits came in 1974, but the 1970s belonged to country pop, and Thompson’s chart success dwindled to the point where he pared down his road schedule and spent more time hunting or tending to his various real-estate, broadcasting, and music publishing interests.

In the 1980s, however, as harder-edged sounds enjoyed renewed popularity, Thompson hit the road again in earnest, playing dates in Europe, Africa, Asia, and South America as well as in the United States. He also kept recording, and he signed with Nashville’s Step One Records in 1987. In 1997 Curb Records released Hank Thompson and Friends, a critically acclaimed collection of duets pairing Thompson with Lyle Lovett, Vince Gill, George Jones, Kitty Wells, and others. Thompson’s 2000 HighTone Records album Seven Decades featured his sure handling of both new material and classic country songs he’d never recorded before. Thompson’s hard-core honky-tonk–western swing sound—marked by a strong rhythm section of piano, bass, guitar, and drums; lead and fill parts supplied by twin fiddles, electric guitar, and steel; frequent shifts from 2/4 to 4/4 time, and above all his powerful vocals—continues to influence country artists such as George Strait, Dwight Yoakam, Asleep at the Wheel, and others among country’s newer generation.

Hank Thompson was elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1989. He still performs throughout the world. He and his wife of 37 years, Ann, reside in the Fort Worth area.

For ticket information to the event, please contact the Heart O’ Texas Fair ticket office at 254.776.
 
Rappers brag, but Kenny Chesney may top 'em

By PETER COOPER
Staff Writer


This week, hundreds of thousands of people will plunk down money for new music from Kenny Chesney. Less than a decade ago, you couldn't give the guy away.

Chesney was on the road, in a Brownsville, Texas, club, when he turned 30. "There was, literally, nobody there," said Chesney, now the only artist in country history to sell a million tickets in five consecutive years. "I had my girlfriend, and my band, and then there were two bartenders and a couple of waitresses, and nobody showed up to hear us. For me to fast-forward 9? years and know that I'm selling out NFL stadiums, that wasn't even in my dreams."

Much has been made of the sales competition this week, as Chesney goes up against urban innovator Kanye West and rapper 50 Cent to see who can move the most albums in the first seven days of issue. Chesney's new Just Who I Am: Poets & Pirates hits stores today, and while West and 50 Cent have wrangled over who's on top (50 Cent threatened to retire if West sells more), Chesney is a much more popular artist when touring is figured into the equation.

"He's in his own league with selling albums and tickets," said Billboard Senior Editor Ray Waddell, who covers touring for that magazine. "Very few artists in any kind of music can do what he's done."

Lyrics may be revealing

From the lyrics of some of the songs on the new album, some fans might figure that Chesney is wondering about the personal costs inherent in doing what he's done. "Never Wanted Nothing More," "Wife and Kids" and "Just Not Today" all find him ruminating about the possibility of settling down; the bracing "Demons" is a classic-sounding country song about the pull of life's darker attractions, and "Don't Blink" finds the East Tennessee native singing about "trying to slow it down" and "trying to take it in."

"I didn't write any of these songs, but they speak a lot of truth about where I am in my head and in my heart," Chesney said, sitting in a room at his record label's offices. "Those are two pretty complicated places right now.

"To do what I do in the way I do it, I've sacrificed not just a lot, but everything. It's been worth every second, but the tone of some of these songs is that I do see a day when my life is not going to totally revolve around singing in front of thousands of people, going to catering at 5 o'clock and doing a meet-and-greet at 7:30.

"I guess there's an underlying search for balance in these songs, and that's got to happen at some point."

Chesney is a five-time winner of country awards' top entertainer prizes, and a favorite in that category at November's CMA Awards.

His studio albums sell more in their first on-sale week than most country artists' albums sell at all, and he is a sellout attraction at arenas and stadiums. (At Chesney's last Nashville show, he sold out the Titans' LP Field. When West comes in October, he'll play Vanderbilt.)

The balance part is still tricky, though. Chesney is tired of having to get reacquainted each year with family and friends.

"It's bad when you've spent more time with people out on the road or with radio stations than you have with your mom, your friends or your grandmother," he said.

"That's why 'Don't Blink' means a lot to me. I stay pretty closed up, and I don't tell people around me what I'm feeling, and it's hard for me to stop and smell the roses, 'cause there's always somewhere else for me to be. This song told me, 'You might want to stop for a moment.' "

He can be competitive

That said, Chesney is still competitive enough to chafe when folks talk about the 50 Cent vs. Kanye West rivalry without mentioning him. "In November of 2005, I had an album called The Road and the Radio come out on the same day 50 Cent released an album (Get Rich or Die Tryin'), and we beat him pretty soundly. It's a slam against the country genre as a whole to pretend it doesn't exist."

The competition extends to country awards shows, though Chesney is disappointed that Tim McGraw — who with wife Faith Hill headlined the highest-grossing country music tour in North America — is not nominated along with him in the CMA's entertainer category.

"Tim has a lot of passionate fans out there, and I'm one of them," Chesney said. "And what he and Faith have done in the last two years is as historic as anybody's touring, and, to be honest, more historic than some people that are nominated. He can't come to The Tennessean and say that, but I can. If I had the career he had and wasn't nominated, it would bother me."

Losing that category has bothered Chesney before, and he worries enough about his legacy to hope to win a few more entertainer crowns in order to be name-checked along with Alabama and Garth Brooks as a dominant performer in his era.

"I'd love to win it three more times, but the odds of me keeping the pedal down that long aren't good," he said.

"The search for balance is going to come with a price. This year, we had a hell of a year and I think we deserve it and I want to win it, but if I don't it's not going to change my enthusiasm, or my fans' enthusiasm. The awards don't fuel me."

What fuels him are the miles he's traveled to find his own historically significant place in music. Kenny Chesney turns 40 next March, and there's not a club in Brownsville big enough to hold the party.


Festival to honor -- and maybe pardon -- the late Johnny Cash


Story Highlights
Johnny Cash Flower Pickin' Festival to be held in Starkville, Mississippi

Festival scheduled for November 2-4

Organizer hopes to have a symbolic pardon of Cash by city officials
Next Article in Travel »


JACKSON, Mississippi (AP) -- More than 40 years after the late singer Johnny Cash was arrested in Starkville, residents of the east Mississippi town plan a festival in his honor that will include a ceremonial pardoning for the "Man in Black."


Johnny Cash in 1977

The Johnny Cash Flower Pickin' Festival is scheduled for November 2-4 with some events on the campus of Mississippi State University, said Robbie Ward, executive director of the festival.

Ward, a research writer at MSU, started talking to residents two years ago about a festival -- and a pardon for Cash. He gathered 500 signatures on a petition and headed up a committee of 25 residents, including a local pastor, alderman and a bar owner.

"A lot of people would laugh at me and act like I was kind of crazy," Ward said.

But on August 7 the Starkville Board of Aldermen approved the closing of downtown city streets for pedestrian traffic during the festival. The board also agreed to serve as an in-kind sponsor of the festival, meaning the city will donate fire, police, electric and sanitation services for the festival, Ward said.

In an August 21 meeting the Board of Aldermen authorized Starkville Municipal Court Judge William Eshee to review the symbolic, posthumous pardon of Cash. Eshee promised a fair and impartial review of the pardon, Ward said.

"I think it would be fun to have John honored even though it started out as kind of a negative reason," said Lou Robin, Cash's manager for 31 years, who now handles business affairs for the Johnny Cash Estate. Cash died in 2003.

If you go ...
Johnny Cash Flower Pickin' Festival: Nov. 2-4, Mississippi State University at Starkville and downtown Starkville; http://www.pardonjohnnycash.com/. "Pardon Me, I'm Pickin' Flowers" T-shirts, $22, through the Web site. Starkville is 300 miles from Nashville, 175 miles from Memphis, 230 miles from Mobile, Ala., 215 miles from Montgomery, Ala., 310 miles from Little Rock, Ark. For more information, contact Greater Starkville Development Partnership, 800-649-8687.
There are different versions of what happened the night of May 11, 1965, in Starkville.

One told by Cash himself in his autobiography is that he was arrested by police while walking from his motel to a grocery store after attending a party at a fraternity house on the Mississippi State campus.

Another version is that Cash was arrested while picking flowers in someone's yard.

Cash admitted in his book, "I was screaming, cussing and kicking at the cell door all night long until I finally broke my big toe. At 8 a.m. the next morning they let me out when they knew I was sober."

Cash wrote a song about the ordeal calling it, "Starkville City Jail," and later performed it for the inmates at San Quentin Prison.

"Starkville is now known by fans by virtue (of the song)," said Bill Miller, founder of the Web site http://www.JohnnyCash.com.

Ward said the message of the Starkville festival will focus on redemption, something he feels Cash exemplified. "We believe the pardon is not about his arrest in Starkville, it's recognizing that when people make mistakes what matters is what they learn from those mistakes," Ward said.

On November 2, a community-wide social is planned with a charity auction at the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house. At the university's amphitheater, there will be a showing of the Cash biopic "Walk the Line."

Ward is trying to line up those who have written books about Cash for a November 3 discussion group on the Arkansas native. Later that day, plans include a ceremony at the site Cash was arrested, a downtown concert honoring Cash's music, a sermon on redemption and what Ward hopes to be a symbolic pardon by city officials issued to Cash's family.

Rev. Allison S. Parvin, associate pastor at the First United Methodist Church, will deliver the redemption sermon during the event. Cash's story "is just one of the great gospel stories of now," Parvin said.

Ward said the final event of the night would include a jam session on stage with musicians and an audience sing-along to "Starkville City Jail."

A community-wide church service is planned at the MSU amphitheater for November 4 to close the festival.

Admission to the event will be free, with a suggested donation of $10 to benefit a local Boys and Girls Club and the Oktibbeha County Heritage Museum.

To finance the event, the committee is selling T-shirts (black, of course), bearing the words "Pardon Me, I'm Pickin' Flowers."


Time stands still for performers of another era's music

By PETER COOPER
Staff Writer


Danny Winchell clutched a microphone last week and walked out into an audience of senior citizens at The Heritage retirement facility in Brentwood. He was 80 years old then. He turns 81 today.

"You make me feel so young," were the first words he sang. And they rang true. Winchell's youth returns quickly, to him, anytime he finds an old song and a crowd.

Winchell performs these days with Carole Shaw and Lisa Webb. Shaw is in her 70s, Webb in her 40s, and together they are a trio called Moonlight & Memories. They'll play the Bluebird Cafe tonight, and, instead of delivering the original songs to which that venue's patrons are accustomed, they will perform classics from Frank Sinatra, the Ink Spots, Ella Fitzgerald and others.

It's the music of their time

"We're doing nostalgia music now," said Shaw, who used to sing on The Ed Sullivan Show, The Jack Paar Show and other major programs. "It didn't used to be nostalgia music. It was the music of our time."

It is not the music of this new century, of course, despite the popularity of devotees such as Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. Shaw's brief entry into the hit parade was a late '50s version of "Careless" that flirted with updated sounds, but today she feels a bit strange about that one. "It made me sad that I couldn't sing that beautiful song the way I wanted to sing it," she said. "I turned off the radio in 1957."

Winchell co-produced the Marcels' doo-wop hit "Blue Moon" in 1961, but he also had little use for rock 'n' roll. He remained a sucker for the intricate melodies that ruled the 1940s, though his own regional hit, a sprightly singing of "Carolina in the Morning," came in 1952. Winchell later ventured into other pursuits.

He and Shaw met when they were on the New York music scene. They re-met 20 years ago in California by chance, and last year they came together in Nashville.

"I stopped singing for dec-ades," Winchell said. "But God wanted me to be a minstrel. It just took me 80 years to figure out what I'm here for."

Webb plays piano during Moonlight & Memories shows, and she seems a natural fit even when performing songs that pre-date her earthly existence by 15 or 20 years.

"I grew up playing this music," she said. It's all I wanted to play when I was a kid. I didn't know who Meatloaf was until I was in college."

Webb spent time in the L.A. Jazz Choir, where she performed and recorded with Bob Hope, Rosemary Clooney, Steve Allen and others. She retained her interest in pre-rock music after moving to Nashville, where she regularly performs at the Loews Vanderbilt Hotel lounge.

"There's an elegance to these songs that is missing sometimes today," she said.

Trio on Web, too

The trio recently recorded an album, produced by hit songwriter Victoria Shaw. In addition to penning smashes for Garth Brooks, Ricky Martin and others, Victoria is Carole's daughter. Winchell has a Web site, and there are MySpace sites for Carole Shaw, Lisa Webb and the Moonlight & Memories trio.

In concert, all three members contribute lead vocals and harmonies. Winchell and Shaw tell stories to introduce material. Shaw's voice seems unaffected by the years as she takes splendid vocal flights. Winchell works the room like a politician, shaking hands even while singing "My Way."

"Look at this, it's wonderful," Winchell said, gesturing at his friends in the retirement community building that feels like Carnegie Hall to him. "What could be better than to sing, and to see the smiles of the people? If I could do it 24 hours a day, I would."
 
CANADIAN COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS – CELEBRATED IN STYLE


(NASHVILLE, TENN -- September 11th, 2007) - The Canadian Country Music Awards showcased some of Canada’s biggest country stars at the Brandt Centre in Regina on Monday night.


Hosted by Paul Brandt the show, immediately drove to the audience to a fever-pitch with Emerson Drive opening up with their big hit “Moments”, before taking home a hat-trick of CCMA Awards: Single of the Year, CMT Video of the Year and Group or Duo of the Year. Saskatchewan gave a giant “shout out” to the province’s hometown boy Brad Johner, who was presented with Male Artist of the Year. The performance by Carolyn Dawn Johnson and Jimmy Rankin together was that much sweeter as Johnson had just picked up Female Artist of the Year. Other awards over the night included Roots Artist of the Year to Corb Lund for the second year in a row. Doc Walker took home Album of the Year kudos for the band’s self-titled CD, and B.C.’s Aaron Pritchett took home SOCAN Songwriter of the Year for his country anthem “Hold My Beer”.


For the second year in a row, the Chevy Rising Star of the Year winner walked away with not only the award but also a vehicle from Chevy. Introduced by Patricia Conroy and featuring the City of Regina, this year it goes home to multiple-nominee Shane Yellowbird who performed his big hit “Pickup Truck” for fans.


And one of the biggest awards of the night – the Kraft Cheez Whiz Fans’ Choice Award – was won by Terri Clark who accepted from the road, and thanked her fans for the honour. The award was handed out by the Ultimate Fan contest winner Mathew Mosher of Surrey, B.C.


Fans were also treated to performances by Jason Blaine, George Canyon, Jim Cuddy, Jessie Farrell, Johnny Reid and special appearances by Mike Holmes, members of the RCMP, dressed in traditional scarlet tunic, members of the Saskatchewan Roughriders, Duane “Dog” Chapman, and Arlene Duncan and Neil Crone from the CBC Television show Little Mosque on the Prairie.


A full listing of CCMA Awards winners is below.


News media can download high-resolution images of moments of the Awards Show through the media link on the CCMA website - password: ccma2007.


2007 CCMA Award Winners (presented during the Broadcast on September 10)


Kraft Cheez Whiz Fans’ Choice Award: Terri Clark


Single of the Year: Moments (Emerson Drive, Midas Records, Navarre Canada)


Album of the Year: Doc Walker (Doc Walker, Open Road/Universal)


SOCAN Songwriter(s) of the Year: Mitch Merrett, Aaron Pritchett & Deric Ruttan (Hold My Beer, Aaron Pritchett)


CMT Video of the Year: Moments (Emerson Drive)


Female Artist of the Year: Carolyn Dawn Johnson


Male Artist of the Year: Brad Johner


Group or Duo of the Year: Emerson Drive


Roots Artist or Group of the Year: Corb Lund


Chevy Rising Star Award: Shane Yellowbird


2007 CCMA Award Winners (presented at the Gala Dinner on September 9)


Top Selling Album: Taking The Long Way – Dixie Chicks - Sony BMG Music (Canada)/Columbia Records


Management Company of the Year: RGK Entertainment Group Inc.


Record Producer(s) of the Year: Tom McKillip, Mitch Merrett (Big Wheel, Aaron Pritchett)


Music Publishing Company of the Year: ole


Record Company of the Year: 306 Records


Record Company Person of the Year: Louis O’Reilly, 306 Records


Independent Female Artist of the Year: Patricia Conroy


Independent Group or Duo of the Year: The Wilkinsons


Independent Male Artist of the Year: Johnny Reid


Country Music Program or Special of the Year: Canadian Coast to Coast, CJVR FM


Radio Station of the Year Major Market: CJJR FM, Vancouver, BC


Radio Station of the Year Secondary Market: KICX-FM, Midland, ON


Hall of Fame Induction, Artist: John Allan Cameron


Hall of Fame Induction, Builder: Sheila Hamilton


Board of Directors Special Acknowledgement Award: Tom Tompkins


Hank Smith Award of Excellence: Ron Sakamoto


Leonard T. Rambeau International Award: Rick Murray


2007 Industry Award Winners (presented at the Industry Awards on September 8)


Country Club of the Year: The Pump Roadhouse, Regina, SK


Country Festival, Fair, or Exhibition of the Year: Calgary Stampede, Calgary, AB


Album Design of the Year: Doc Walker, Craig Medwyduk, Dustin Leader, Horst Herget, (Doc Walker)


Recording Studio of the Year: Bart McKay Productions, Saskatoon, SK


Retailer of the Year: Wal-Mart Canada Corp.


Web Site of the Year: Dana Bissett, Mike Ulch, docwalker.ca, Doc Walker


Video Director of the Year: Stephano Barberis, Pickup Truck, Shane Yellowbird


Booking Agency of the Year: Cressman Sakamoto Agency


Talent Buyer or Promoter of the Year: Ron Sakamoto, Gold & Gold Productions Ltd.


Music Director of the Year, Secondary Market: Ted Roop, KICX-FM, Midland, ON


Music Director of the Year, Major Market: Dawn Woroniuk, CJWW/CFWC-FM, Saskatoon, SK


On-Air Personality of the Year, Secondary Market: Roop & Carey, KICX-FM, Midland, ON


On-Air Personality of the Year, Major Market: The Odd Squad, Doug, Robyn and Dan, CKRY-FM, Calgary, AB


Hall of Fame Induction, Broadcaster: Cliff Dumas


2007 CCMA All Star Band Winners (presented after the Gala dinner on September 9)


Drums: Corbett Frasz (The Road Hammers)


Bass: Chris Byrne (The Road Hammers)


Guitar: Jason Barry (Aaron Lines)


Keyboards: Mike Little (George Canyon, The Road Hammers)


Fiddle: Mike Sanyshyn (Aaron Pritchett)


Steel Guitar: Kenny Greer (The Road Hammers)


Special Instruments (Tie): Larry Good (The Good Brothers - Banjo) and Curtis Tulman (the Cruzeros – Harmonica)


A MAN AND HIS PAL

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Oven-Fried Pork Chops
Submitted By: Rachel
This is a quick, simple, and above all, a cheap way to make pork chops. I love it!

a.. Prep Time: 10 Minutes
b.. Cook Time: 20 Minutes
c.. Ready In: 30 Minutes
d.. Yields: 4 servings
INGREDIENTS
a.. 4 pork chops, trimmed
b.. 2 tablespoons butter, melted
c.. 1 egg, beaten
d.. 2 tablespoons milk
e.. 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
f.. 1 cup herb-seasoned dry bread stuffing mix

DIRECTIONS
1.. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Pour butter into a 9x13 inch baking pan.
2.. Stir together egg, milk and pepper. Dip pork chops in egg mixture, coat with stuffing mix and place in pan.
3.. Bake in preheated oven for 10 minutes. Turn chops and bake for another 10 minutes, or until no pink remains in the meat and juices run clear.



"Apple Crisp"
 
1 cup flour
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup granola
1 cup butter - melted
1/2 cup of chopped nuts (optional)
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp cloves
 
Filling:
3 tart apples (Granny Smith) peeled, cored and chopped
1 cup sugar
2 Tbsps lemon juice
2 Tbsps cornstarch
1/4 cup water
 
Mix apples, sugar, lemon juice, water and cornstarch.
Place in greased pie pan or individual ramekins.
Mix crisp ingredients and place over apple mixture to
completely cover the apples.
Bake in a 350 degree oven for 45 minutes if it's a pie
pan or 20 minutes if in individual ramekins.
Serve with whipped cream, ice cream or whipped
topping if desired.




**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What are all those unpronounceable
ingredients in shampoos?


Did you ever glance at the list of ingredients in your favorite
shampoo while your were showering? It makes for interesting
reading and you can try to imagine what all those crazy-sounding
chemicals are doing in your shampoo and what they are doing to
your hair. The basic cleaning ingredients in shampoos are
synthetic detergents, not soap. Detergent rinses cleaner than
soap, which reacts with minerals in the water to form a scum.

The most commonly found detergent in shampoo is probably well
known to you from your shower-time reading
— lauryl sulfate. It has long molecules with one end that
attracts water and one end that grabs dirt and grease. When you
shampoo, the detergent binds the dirt from your hair to water
molecules, which are then rinsed out.
Another ingredient is cocamide DEA, which gives shampoo
a nice, rich lather. Lather doesn't do much to help clean
appealing to use are glycol sterate (makes it look pearly or
opaque), celluloses (thickening agents), and propylene glycol, a
humectant (which helps the hair stay wet).

There are a host of dyes, fragrances, and natural ingredients
that are supposed to do everything short of curing baldness. You
can find almost any natural additive, such as beer, apricot or
any other fruit you can name, herbs, coconut, honey, etc.

One thing you don't want to find is fungi or bacteria. This is
why manufacturers add preservatives with those long,
unpronounceable methyl-names, such as methylchloroiso-
thiazolinone or methylisothiazolinone. But if some unknown
French chemist marketed a new full-body, conditioning,
fungal/bacterial formula shampoo for overstressed hair, people
would run right out to buy it!






****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
"I know you can't get married on the money I pay you," said the
boss to his new employee, "but someday you'll thank me for it!"


LAST CALL Y'ALL


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
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