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Subject: The Daily Funnies - September18, 2007



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                            From Carlisle ,Indiana
                                    U.S.A.
                            Welcome to The Funnies
                                 est.7-4-2000
                 "Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
                       These  are clean jokes. However,
                                   They are,
                  PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG
      An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.


                            Welcome New Subscribers
               If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
                          don't have any sense at all
                Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
                      of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
                      Remember,it is easier to get older
                            than it is to get wiser

                God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
                                I never liked ,
                  The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
                   And the eyesight to tell the difference.

                                     [cid]


                          TUESDAY  SEPTEMBER 18,2007


 THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Football is for strong people; those who can sit for hours
               on a cold seat eating peanuts can't be weaklings.


"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the
              baliff. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?"

  His Honor replied, "Hamilton, the crooks won't be here for another fifteen
                      minutes. Those are the lawyers..."
                    **************************************
             Recently while going through an airport during one of
                                his many trips,
               President Bush encountered a man with long hair,
              wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
              President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't
               you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept
             staring ahead.Again the President said, "Moses!" in a
              loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never
                           answering the president.
             Soon a secret service agent came along and President
            Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like
             Moses to you?"   The secret service agent agreed with
               the President. "Well," said the President, "Every
             time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and
            refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled,
                   "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
            The secret service man went up to the man in the white
            robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you
             Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am
             Moses." The secret service agent whispered back, "Why
                       don't you answer the President?"
             Moses replied: " The last time I talked to a bush, I
                   spent 40 years wandering in the desert!.
                     ************************************
                         Headlines from the year 2015

   Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the third largest
                       country in the world, California.

    White minority still trying to have English recognized as California's
                                third language.


        Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &
                                  livestock.


               Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

          Authentic 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.


    Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
        the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and
                                   Lebanon).


     Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten
           more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


     Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but
               President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


            George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2020.

    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
                       mail delivery to Wednesday only.


          35 year study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


              Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


   Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


             Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.


          Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.


   Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it
                   crashes BEFORE installation is completed.


      New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
    swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2018 .


   Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
                              campaign accounts.


                       IRS sets lowest tax rate at 76%.
                         *****************************
                           TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

          I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
                             sing "Silent Night".

                                     Age 5

        I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.

                                     Age 7

        I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop
                      what they are doing and wave back.

                                     Age 9

         I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom
                          makes me clean it up again.

                                    Age 12

        I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
                           cheering someone else up.

                                    Age 14

       I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad
                        my parents are strict with me.

                                    Age 15

       I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of
                                    advice.

                                    Age 24

        I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great
                                  pleasures.

                                    Age 26

         I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
                              followed me there.

                                    Age 29

       I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must
                     live so that no one will believe it.

                                    Age 30

      I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't
                             know how to show it.

                                    Age 42

       I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them
                                a little note.

                                    Age 44

       I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater
                   his or her need to cast blame on others.

                                    Age 46

         I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.

                                    Age 47

       I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,
               life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

                                    Age 48

        I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for
                                    hours.

                                    Age 49

       I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from
                                  the phone.

                                    Age 50

          I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
      handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
                            Christmas tree lights.

                                    Age 51

         I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine
                            cabinet full of pills.

                                    Age 52

       I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
                    you miss them terribly after they die.

                                    Age 53

       I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a
                                     life.

                                    Age 58

         I learned that if you want to do something positive for your
                   children, work to improve your marriage.

                                    Age 61

           I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

                                    Age 62

       I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt
          on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

                                    Age 64

       I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if
       you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting
       new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find
                                     you.

                                    Age 65

          I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I
                       usually make the right decision.

                                    Age 66

                   I learned that everyone can use a prayer.

                                    Age 72

        I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

                                    Age 82

       I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
       People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
                           friendly pat on the back.

                                    Age 90

                  I learned that I still have a lot to learn.

                                    Age 92

       I learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about.
        Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
            *******************************************************
    One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife
     told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If
    you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty." Predictably he
      didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He
   mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?" He went out in
     front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van
    here today, little girl?" "Yes," she replied. "Would you know which way
     it went?" She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
         ************************************************************
      The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
      around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
   squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon
    to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would
        win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters,
    longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little
    man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a
    tiny, squeaky voice, 'I'd like to try the bet.' After the laughter had
     died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
    Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But
     the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
     fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd
    cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,' what
    do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?'
                    The man replied, 'I work for the IRS.'
                      ***********************************
   The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served
   in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of
    the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these
   particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?" She scrutinized his
     bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
          **********************************************************
              911 CALLS - The following exchanges are taken from
                           transcripts of 911 calls:

           Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't
                                 use my name."

         Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."
                       Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"
    Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and -
                             OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"

       Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or is this a recording?"

       Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."
    Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or
                      does the ambulance have to do it?"

                         Caller: "He's not breathing!"

               Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?
           Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"

                   Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"
                Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."

                Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."
                           Caller: "He's a lawyer."

              Caller: "No, she just didn't fall...I helped her!"

                       Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
                      Call-taker: "What is your address?"
                             Caller: "It's gone."
                                **************
                            SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
                 1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
                     2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
             3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
                  4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
        5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it   yourself!
            6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other
                                       day!
              7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
            8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
            9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
               10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
                        11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
                12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
            13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower
                                  your standards.
            14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please
                                 don't write in it!
      15. Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come     in,
      sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like     this: Some days
                               it's even worse.
    16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
          17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
                 18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
             19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
      20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they     shall
                           never cease to be amused.
                21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
                  22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
       23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen     and
                         gone on to lead normal lives.
            24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending
                                     machines.
                 25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
                    26. Dull women have immaculate houses.
                      ***********************************
                             This Joke Is Rated PG
                  Three men were standing in line to get into
                heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty
      busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's
     getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only
   people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
     The first man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
      been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
       red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
     something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
       this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
   balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25
     floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on
    him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, He wouldn't fall off. So
      finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
   hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so
    he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes,
       stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the
    kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed
    on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me,
     and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds
   like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second
      man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and
   again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live
     on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my
    exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or
   something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the
    railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on
      for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I
    thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking
      me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and
     grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let
     go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but
       all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
    refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and
   now I'm here. "Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
    pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and
     again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was
    full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm
                    hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
                       ********************************
                                   YOUR BOSS
          Q: What's the difference between your boss and the subway ?
                       A: Sometimes you miss the subway.
          Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and your boss ?
            A: One's a relentless, pain-inflicting bloodsucker. The
                              other's an insect.
             Q: What's the difference between your boss and time ?
                             A: You can kill time.
                   Q: What did your boss say to the cannon ?
                               A: You're fired !
                  Q: What did your boss say to the calendar ?
                          A: Your days are numbered !
                   Q: What did your boss say to the bridge ?
                             A: You're suspended !
               Q: What did your boss say to George Washington ?
                              A: You're history !
              Q: Why won't the postman go to your boss's house ?
                        A: Because his dog's mean, too.
                   Evidently his boss has gotta be a lawyer
                         The second question nailed it
                    **************************************
              "Four years ago, my cousin ran for state senator."

                              "What's he do now?"

                          "Nothing. He got elected."
                     *************************************
                                    DONALD?

 When my husband and I were living in Memphis we ordered Duck Breast from the
local 5 star restaurant. I like my duck cooked rare, so I inquired, 'would that
be rare duck?' The waiter replied, 'No, it's just a regular old duck... local,
                                   I think.'
                   *****************************************

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the
lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the
house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into
our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car
    fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had a
standard transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

               She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

             I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

 A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at
    about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my
                                 directions...
                 ********************************************
 The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his
                             new checking account.

"The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother
                                     said.

    "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"
                ***********************************************
Grandma Adams had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take
  it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for
                                 observation.

   By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
 managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy
          gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

  Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a
                      cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

  "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
                      interns, "just press that button."

                  "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

    "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
                                   replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here.
 If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it
                                 on herself!"
            *******************************************************
"Does anyone know the purpose of the yawn?" asked the teacher. "For one thing,"
      responded a student, "it can act as a hint to visitors to go home."

                    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
                          Shirley's ressypees e-zine
          We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
                                    recipe,
            send your request to: bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com (http://us.f508.mail.yahoo.com/ym
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                            **** TODAYS LINKS ****



                   Bicycle Maintenance Guide and Riding Tips
                     http://www.bitrot.de/bbook_intro.html

                                About Rainbows
              http://www.unidata.ucar.edu/staff/blynds/rnbw.html
                                  Speedtraps
               http://www.speedtrap.org/speedtraps/stetlist.asp

                                 Wood Carving
                       http://www.capital.net/~cutter05/
                                       
                                Seeing Eye Cat
            http://community-2.webtv.net/harryswallace/MEETCASHEW/

             Cable modems let you send and receive data using the
            lines set up for cable TV. Helps you learn how a cable
              modem works and how it compares in performance to a
                                DSL connection.
                 http://www.howstuffworks.com/cable-modem.htm
                                       
                               Game Cross Colors
               Starting with a grid of green, turn the grid red.
          http://www.brainbashers.com/gameloader/loader.asp?game=102



                             **** ON THIS DAY ****

     Almost 40 years ago my dad's job had him working on the Canadian side
    of Lake Erie inspecting a dredging job. We owned a 56 Buick Special but
     my dad had taken the Greyhound south and left the car at home. My mom
      had never learned how to drive and saw the chance to acquire a new
    skill. At first it was only starting the car and pulling in and out of
       the driveway. The trips gradually increased first to my Grandma's
    driveway next door and then to the other neighbors driveways. The only
    mishap was when , in the days of touchy brakes and seat belts not being
    unpopular, one of the sisters slid off the seat and into the dash in my
     grandmother's driveway . ( No visible injuries other than minor brain
    damage which you may have guessed from reading her mailings) My mother
    enjoyed driving and her trips increased in length to include driving to
       town using the back routes to avoid the sheriff and state police.
         She was in town with her friend Mary one day and she was trying to
       park the car in a space and was not having much luck . Her friend
     encouraged her to keep trying for the practice and finally she parked
     the car. As they got out they noticed an officer standing in the lot
    laughing at their efforts. He never suspected a new driver without even
                              a learner's permit.
           The reward for her work was the pride my mom felt when she was
    there alone to pick up my dad at the bus station. My mom enjoys driving
     still and where my dad worried over a 70 mile trip my mom has driven
     all over the state and Wisconsin. She also still drives daily on the
     snow and icy roads to her job 16 miles away. I do believe if she had
      waited for my dad to teach her she might not have a license today.
                    A Funny story borrowed from the Buffalo
                           **** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
                        These Are My Causes Please Help

                   This is a link for FREE virus protection
                               http://avast.com
                       It is excellent.  I use it myself
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

    and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
               personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.
            http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                   Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
                          http://www.organdonor.gov/

   It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a
                                  mammogram"
  for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their
                                   corporate
    sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
                         in exchange for advertising.
                                       
            Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
                      http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
                                       &
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to  click on it
                           daily to meet their quota
  of getting free food donated  every day to abused and neglected animals. It
                        takes less than a  minute to go
  to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"  for free! This doesn't
                       cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned
                        /neglected animals in exchange
                               for advertising.
            Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
                       http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 Early one evening a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture
 out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening
                             tools and a bicycle.

  A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage
                                     sale.

 "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now
                      he's getting ready for a big date."

              "So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving bicycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way
 every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready
                                   for him."
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                   This is a link for FREE virus protection
                               http://avast.com
                                It is excellent
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle
                    of anxiety, or by the handle of faith.
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                             Thoughts or Comments
                               jokes or stories
                          U Send'em and I'll print'em
                   Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
                  jim4615@ (mailto:jim4615@joink.com)joink.com
          (mailto:jim4615@joink.com)     subject Line--- The Funnies
                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                           **** Amy's Kitchen ****  

                         Peanutbutter Oatmeal Cookies

                         1/2 cup crunchy peanut butter
                    1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
                 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, softened
                            1 cup all-purpose flour
                         1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
                           1/2 teaspoon baking soda
                                 1 egg, beaten
                          2/3 cup old-fashioned oats
                       1/2 cup shelled peanuts, chopped
                              2 tablespoons milk
             1. Preheat the oven to 375F. Grease 2 baking sheets.
             In a large bowl, beat the peanut butter, brown sugar
                      and butter until light and fluffy.
             2. Sift the flour, baking powder and baking soda into
             the peanut butter mixture. Add the egg, oats, peanuts
                   and milk; stir until a soft dough forms.
          3. Roll the dough into 16 even-size balls. Place the dough
           balls, spaced well apart, on the prepared baking sheets.
            Using the base of a drinking glass, gently flatten each
                                  dough ball.
           4. Bake the cookies until golden, 13 to 15 minutes. Cool
           on the baking sheets for 2 minutes. Transfer the cookies
                      to a wire rack to cool completely.

                               Makes 16 cookies
           Per cookie: 169 Cal.; 5g Protein; 10g Fat (3g saturated);
                 18g Carb.; 122mg Sodium; 21mg Chol.; 1g Fiber

                                       
                                 Low / No Fat:
                           Light Nutty Apple Brownies

                       1 1/4      cups all-purpose flour
                           1/4      cup unsweetened cocoa
                      1 1/2      teaspoons baking powder
                           1/4      teaspoon baking soda
                         1/2      teaspoon ground cinnamon
                            1/2      cup egg substitute
                          1/2      cup margarine -- melted
                           1/2      cup sugar substitute
                           2      teaspoons vanilla extract
                         1      cup apple -- peeled and grated
                 1/2      cup walnuts, toasted -- coarsely chopped

 Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Oil a 9-inch square ovenproof pan. In a large
    bowl, whisk together the flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, and
                           cinnamon very thoroughly.
  In a small bowl, beat together egg substitute, margarine, sugar substitute,
  and vanilla. Pour the wet mixture into the dry ingredients. Mix thoroughly
                    and then stir in grated apple and nuts.
  Spoon the brownie batter into the prepared pan. Bake brownies for 25 to 30
   minutes or until a knife or toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
   Cool on rack, loosen edges, then remove from pan and cut into 1 1/2-inch
                         squares. Yield: 28 servings.


  Per Serving: 83 Calories; 5g Fat (55.5% calories from fat); 2g Protein; 7g
  Carbohydrate; 1g Dietary Fiber; trace Cholesterol; 91mg Sodium. Exchanges:
    1/2 Grain(Starch); 0 Lean Meat; 0 Fruit; 1 Fat; 0 Other Carbohydrates.




                        **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

                  Can you die from a black widow spider bite?

         It's possible, but most people don't. Although a female black
       widow is not particularly aggressive, she is quite poisonous and
         will bite to defend herself (males are harmless). Her bite is
        painful and frightening, and there isn't much that can be done
         to reverse its effects. However, the symptoms can be somewhat
        alleviated, and a medical professional can monitor the victim.
                Symptoms start with a stinging pinprick at the
      location of the bite. Numbing pain soon follows, often accompanied
         by some swelling. Within 30 minutes, usually, severe stomach
          pains and clenching of the abdominal muscles begin, After a
        while, spasms and severe pain in the arms, legs, and often the
            feet set it. The most frightening aspects are temporary
       paralysis, chest constriction, and difficulty swallowing. If you
       are bitten, it's a good idea to seek out a doctor. Those at risk
           of dying are the very young, the very old, and those with
       illnesses or allergies. A black widow spider bite has about a 1%
                                fatality rate.




                          ****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
      "Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms." (Groucho Marx)


                                LAST CALL Y'ALL

During an educational-theory lecture, our professor stressed the importance of
  being sensitive to cultural differences. An attractive young woman, who had
 monopolized the first two lectures by arguing every point, now insisted that
there was no difference between cultures apart from dress, language and food. A
 student from the Middle East stood up. "You have stated that your culture has
      not significantly affected how you think," he said. "Am I correct?"

                     "That's right," she answered firmly.

  "And that there are no important differences between my culture and yours?"

                                  "Correct."

  His handsome face lit up with a dazzling smile. "I am happy then, because I
 find you very attractive. I have only two wives and would like you to be the
                                    third."

                     HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
                    In God I trust. All others we polygraph
                   *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
                        Hey, Let's be careful out there
                   *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
                                    PLEASE
            Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally.
               The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
          Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
                            EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME  
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             We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
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            Our features are intended to be for entertainment only.

 Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web
    and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
 copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper
                  credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
                                       ~
                               GOD BLESS AMERICA
                                        ~
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               Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or
          comments at:  JIM4615@JOINK.COM (mailto:JIM4615@JOINK.COM)
                          (mailto:JIM4615@JOINK.COM)
                                      or
                                  Jim Dowers
                                 P.O. Box 521
                            Carlisle, IN 47838-0521
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             God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand
                                  &&&&&&&&&&
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