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The Funnies are
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SO TELL ME WHERE IS THE SPAM From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's way of
taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 20,2007 motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom." ~~~~~~~~~~~ REAL LIFE Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No", he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel much better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! ~~~~~~~~~ Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For! safety' s sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Thanksgiving, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THEY WERE SO BLONDE Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh... my... Gosh... we're going to be millionaires!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man." ~~~~~~~~~~~ Why Complain ? Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?" The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Esther was the mother of three, very active small boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20 minutes, a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the fall. When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've had to rest all day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it. "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: "..underwater." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not many people realize that as a youngster, Marlon Brando's goal in life was to become a security guard at the local prison. After getting out of school, the first thing he did was go to the prison and ask for an application, but he was told they weren't hiring. Disappointed, he signed up for a stint in the Army, but not one week later did he find a want ad in the newspaper saying "LOCAL PRISON NEEDS GUARDS." Unable to break his Army commitment he uttered the now-famous line: "I coulda been a con tender!" ~~~~~~~~~~ As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e- mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Marine Captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, Breaking silence I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, "Marine Air Group 36, sir," or "Second Marine Division, General." But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, "Which outfit are you in?" the Marine replied, "Dress blues, sir, with medals!" ~~~~~~~~~~ On the lake too long ? A Fishing Memory When the wind is in the east, Then the fishes bite the least; When the wind is in the west, Then the fishes bite the best; When the wind is in the north, Then the fishes do come forth; When the wind is in the south, It blows the bait in the fish's mouth. (ice fishing does not apply:-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Computer Quickies Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age? A: Loss of memory. Q: What does a baby computer call his father? A: Data. Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? A: The space bar. Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor? A: It slipped a disk. Q: Why was there a bug in the computer? A: It was looking for a byte to eat. Q: What is a computer virus? A: A terminal illness. Q: How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral? A: He clicked on an icon and opened a window ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Weird but True In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia. Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law. In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits. In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. Fowl, roosters to be specific, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts. In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours. In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset. In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday. In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed. In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman. French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation. Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures. In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat. Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump. Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California. In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell. In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter. You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic. In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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**** ON THIS DAY **** A TOUCHING STORY TO ME! GOD ALWAYS ANSWERS OUR PRAYERS, SOMETIMES IN STRANGE OR FANTASTIC WAYS! GOD IS ALWAYS THERE, HE NEVER LEAVES US! THE OLD MAN AND HIS DOG *"Watch out! You nearly broad-sided that car!" My father yelled at me. "Can't you do anything right?" Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle. "I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him? Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess. The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw himoutside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him a bout his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man. Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived. But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone. My husband, Rick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Rick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Rick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent A raindrop struck my cheek. I looked up into the gray sky. Somewhere up there was "God." Although I believe a Supreme Being had created the universe, I had difficulty believing that God cared about the tiny human beings on this earth. I was tired of waiting for a God who did not answer. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem in vain to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article." I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog. I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs - all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons, too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a; caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly. I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. "He's a funny one, appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly. As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?""Ma'am, said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog." I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. "Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it." Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!" Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw. Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal. It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes.They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet. Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Rick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene; but his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night. Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Rick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind. The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers... "I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said. For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article of Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter, His calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all. **** HEADS UP FOLKS **** These Are My Causes Please Help This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent. I use it myself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women and men. Features include
health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user
forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments jokes or stories U Send'em and I'll print'em Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this jim4615@joink.com subject Line--- The Funnies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS **** IRL schedules 16 races for 2008 IndyCar season INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — Except for one race, the IRL's IndyCar
schedule next season will be identical to this year.
The remaining 16-race schedule starts at Homestead-Miami Speedway on March 29, the first of five night races slated for prime-time television coverage, the IRL said Tuesday. The others are at Texas Motor Speedway on June 7, Richmond International Raceway on June 28, Nashville Superspeedway on July 12 and Kentucky Speedway on Aug. 9. All 16 races will be televised nationally by ESPN, ESPN2 or ABC. FIND MORE STORIES IN: Indianapolis | Speedway | IRL | Indy Car
Racing | Texas Motor Speedway | Homestead-Miami Speedway | Kansas Speedway |
Chicagoland Speedway | Kentucky Speedway | Nashville Superspeedway | IRL Indycar
Series | International Speedway Three races, at Watkins Glen, N.Y., on July 6, Mid-Ohio on July 20 and Infineon Raceway in Sonoma, Calif., on Aug. 24, will be on permanent road courses. Two others, at St. Petersburg, Fla., on April 6 and Belle Isle Park in Detroit on Aug. 31, will be on temporary street courses. This year's Indy 500 and IndyCar Series champion Dario Franchitti is expected to leave for NASCAR's Nextel Cup Series next season and former Indy champion Sam Hornish Jr. is considering a similar move. The opener at Homestead, Fla., will mark the seventh straight year the IRL has begun the season there. The Sept. 7 race at Chicagoland Speedway will be the season finale for the third year in a row. The schedule also includes races at Twin Ring Motegi in Japan on April 19, Kansas Speedway on April 27, Milwaukee Mile on June 1 and Iowa Speedway on June 22. Terry Angstadt, president of the IRL's commercial division, said other tracks would be considered "beyond 2008 ... as opportunities permit, and we will keep a healthy balance of oval, road and street circuits as part of our schedule."
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR
**** -20- Bob Miller, songwriter/record company executive, born Memphis, TN 1895. Pearl Butler, "Pearl Dee Jones," of "Carl & Pearl Butler," born Nashville, TN 1927. Al Dexter's "Wine, Women and Song" topped the charts 1946. Charles Sawtelle, "Hot Rize," born Austin, TX 1946. Garth Fundis, record label chief, born Lawrence, KS 1949. Hank Williams returned to Shreveport, and the Louisiana Hayride 1952. Hank Snow's "I Don't Hurt Anymore" was #1 in 1954. Tennessee Ernie Ford recorded "Sixteen Tons," 1955. Karl Marx Farr, age 52, "Sons of the Pioneers," died 1961. Marty Robbins' "Devil Woman" topped the charts 1962. Bobby Braddock married Sue Rhodes 1964. RCA released Elvis' last #1 hit "Suspicious Minds" 1969. "For The Good Times" became another #1 for Ray Price 1970. Jim Croce killed in a plane crash while on tour in Louisiana, 1973. Waylon Jennings' "I've Always Been Crazy" went to #1 in 1978. Steve Goodman, songwriter, died from leukemia 1984. Dolly Parton signed with Revlon to develop a line of cosmetics 1993. Skeeter Davis, age 72, member Grand Ole Opry, died in a Nashville hospital as a result of breast cancer 2004. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Sara Evans scores number one video for "As If" Wednesday, September 19, 2007 – Sara Evans has the number 1 country video at iTunes for her Top 20 single "As If" this week. "As If" is the first single from her upcoming "Greatest Hits" album and was co-written by Evans, Hillary Lindsey and John Shanks. The disc celebrates Evans' 10-year career and will be released on Oct. 9. The album features four new songs, "As If," "Love You with All My Heart," "Pray for You" and "Some Things Never Change," all co-penned by Evans. Also featured on the album are hits from her career that has spawned three top five singles and four number one songs, including "No Place That Far," "Born to Fly," "Suds in the Bucket," "A Real Fine Place to Start" and "I Could Not Ask for More," Cops canned over Chesney concert hats DETROIT (AP) -- Two Wayne police officers may spend a year in jail for trying to look like country star Kenny Chesney. Officers Gregg Richard Anderson and Frank Cazazos, both 38, were fired from the department after they were charged with stealing 21 beige straw cowboy hats from a vendor outside a Chesney concert last month at Ford Field. Both were charged Tuesday with larceny over $200 and under $1,000, a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail. They were to be arraigned Tuesday at 36th District Court. A vendor was selling hats on Aug. 8 before the Chesney concert when the off-duty officers approached him, Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy said. Anderson and Cazazos asked him if he had a license to sell the hats, Worthy said. When the vendor said no, the officers allegedly grabbed the hats and left. They told the vendor he could pick the hats up at a Detroit police precinct. People later saw the officers sporting some of the cowboy hats. Detroit police confiscated the 21 hats worth $316. **** Amy's Kitchen **** Fresh Fruit with Orange-Honey Yogurt
Sauce Dessert Du Jour **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
LAST CALL
Y'ALL Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed
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