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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

SATURDAY  SEPTEMBER 22,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: I HOPE Y'ALL MISSED ME.
FULL FUNNIES MONDAY,I HOPE.

Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to. 

SO
Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented
to my husband, "I'm fat."
And right on cue he said what all good husbands must:
"You're not fat." To support his position, he added,
"Just look around you at others, and you will see that
you are not fat."
But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it:
"Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
OK AMERICA, HERE'S THE PLAN!!!


1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs,
      past and present. You know; Hitler, Mussolini, and the rest of them   
      good old boys'. We will never interfere again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
     Germany, South Korea, and the Philippines. They don't want us there.
     We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through
     holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.       
     We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be
     gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they
     are. France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days      
     unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be
     allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide here.
     Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more
     cab drivers.

5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they
     don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise.
     This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will
      require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou
      will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
      their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not         
     "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement
      or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen
      or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if any
     anyway.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the
    spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good    
    homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one
     can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

NOW: Ain't that a winner of a plan!!!
~~~~~ NORM ~~~~~

Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come up to
us and say, "Look, twins!" During a Las Vegas trip, though, we
were wheeling them in their stroller through a hotel lobby when a
woman came around a corner and exclaimed, "Look, a pair!"
~~~~~~~~
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied,
"Order something cheap."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some
pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one
point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a
talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does
anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally,
one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move
diagonally."
~~~~~~~~~
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For
my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with
five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much
of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to
repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five
thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling,
the minister said to the noisy gent, "Could you do that, Mr.
Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blond yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little twit on your knee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Food for thought
The scuba diving instructor always stressed that you never go
diving alone. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you.
If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you
meet a shark, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%.
~~~~~~~~~~~
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.

"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days!"

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've
been lost for three weeks."
~~~~~~~~
THE TRUTH
For the first few months of her co-op job for the
state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she
surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she
expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state
workers have it easy. But there's only so much you
can pretend you're doing."
~~~~~~~~~
Hmmm
I have become convinced that one useless man is called a disgrace,
two useless men are called a law firm and three or more useless
men are called a congress.
     - John Adams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He
preferred to have his draft horses pull this plow and wagons.
Unfortunately, a group of small birds insisted in forming nests in
the horses manes, which prevented him from hitching the reins
properly. The farmer tried every method he could think of to get
rid of the pesky birds. He tried lotions, potions, and notions. He
kept the stable colder, he kept it warmer. He went to horse
doctors, he went to bird specialists. He called his congressman,
he called the Dept. of Agriculture. He trimmed the manes as much
as he could. He tried loud noises, cat noises, classical music.
Nothing would induce the birds to leave his horses alone. In
desperation, he went to an Indian medicine man from a nearby
reservation. The medicine man, listening to his story, gave him
some vile smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes. Amazingly,
it worked. Within two days, the birds had all fled and the horses
were back to work. The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but
puzzled with the methodology. He went back to the medicine man and
inquired about how a simple extract of yeast was able to solve a
problem that many veterinarians and the Department of Agriculture
couldn't. The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is yeast, and
nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through
veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to
better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while
doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr.
Taz, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get
your dog back!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
TAKE A GUESS
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his
congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100
sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen
minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll
take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
~~~~~~~~~~~
We took a friend to dinner at a restaurant that
offered free refills of nonalcoholic drinks. Before
the main course arrived, she kept the waitress
scurrying for refills. When our friend asked for yet
another, the waitress raised an eyebrow and asked,
"What did you have for lunch -- a sponge?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base
in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and
noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind
of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me
how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him
further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest
for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my
plate and handed it back to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over
to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the
men who had been chatting her up. She laughed gaily,
"When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided,
"and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor.
"Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

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Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
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