|
This is not spam
THE FUNNIES
rerun9/26/07
for
TUESDAY
FEBRUARY 08 ,2005
THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he
should be
declared legally dead." (Erma Bombeck)
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife
hasn't spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and
then replied, "Just make
sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like
that are hard to find."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her
husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in
some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're
cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh
Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to
STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the
salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at
him.
"What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know
how to fry a
couple of eggs?
The husband leaned over and calmly
replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband to wife: "I'm
feeling so depressed today."
Wife: "Why, Honey?"
Husband: "It's
just that sometimes I feel so alone and useless."
Wife: "Oh, you don't
have to feel so alone. A lot of people think you're
useless."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests
died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates.St. Peter said,
"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer's down.You'll have to go
back to Earth for about a week, but
you can't go back as priests. What'll it
be?"
The first priest says, "I've always
wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky mountains.""So be it," says
St. Peter, and off
flies the first
priest.
The
second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week
'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what
you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always
wanted to be
a
stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears. A week goes by,
the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
St. Peter to recall the two
priests. "Will you have any trouble locating
them, He
asks.?"
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one
could prove to be more
difficult." "Why?" asketh the
Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in
North
Dakota."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our anthropology
professor at the University of
Pennsylvania explained that highways often followed landscape features
laid down by glaciers. Since both early man and even-earlier animals found food
and water at the foot of these glaciers, anthropologists sometimes served on
highway projects in order to identify any bones or artifacts found during
construction.
In fact, my professor went on, partial remains of a
dinosaur had been found beside the excavations for Interstate 95.
Looking
around the class, his eyes fell on a fine football player but indifferent
student who slept through most of his classes. "Well," the professor asked, "how
would you account for this dead dinosaur beside Interstate 95?"
Startled,
the newly awakened student replied: "I don't know, sir. Perhaps he was hit by a
truck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eighty five year-old widow, Betty, went on a blind
date with
90-year-old John. When she returned to her daughter's house
later that
night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the
daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"What!? You
mean John got fresh with you, mom?"
"No, no, no!" she answered .
.
"I thought he was
dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Last Minute
Valentine Advice
Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you
almost bought.
Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner
last year.
Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don't tell
your date you forgot your wallet again.
Don't buy your partner household
appliances for Valentine's
Day.
Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for
someone else!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Johnson had been
waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00
and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting
room door and said, "Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the
offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About eight years ago, in the hallway of the
felony court, I happened to meet a Detroit police
officer I knew, whose duty was as a court officer in the lower court. I asked
him what he was doing there. My friend told me that he was a witness in a
robbery case. Two armed men had robbed a homeowner in Detroit. They had
knocked on the door of the house. When the owner came to the door, they went
into the "your-money-or-your-life" routine. The homeowner said he would get the
money and closed and locked the door. He retrieved some money, opened the door,
and gave it to the robbers. While I was laughing, my friend says, "Wait, it gets
better!"
The homeowner called the police, who arrested one of the
robbers. At the culprit's preliminary examination (to determine whether there is
enough evidence to charge the defendant with a felony), the homeowner is asked
to identify the defendant. This was in my friend's courtroom, and why he was a
witness in the felony court. The prosecutor says to the homeowner, "Do you see
either of the men who robbed you in court, today?" The victim says, "Yes, one of
the men is sitting at the counsel table with his attorney, wearing a grey
sweater. . . . and the other one is sitting there in the audience."
Sure,
enough, the idiot had come to court for his accomplice's
hearing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young
Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
making her rounds
when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there
was a gas station just
one block away. She walked to the station to
borrow a can with enough gas to
start the car and drive to the station
for a fill up. The attendant
regretfully told her that the only gas can
he owned had just been loaned out,
but if she would care to wait he was
sure it would be back
shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided
not to wait
and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for
something
to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she
was
taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to
the
station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As
she
was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her
from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If
that
car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my
life!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday after church Mom asked her
very young daughter what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
about.
Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your
quilts."
Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the
Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson happened to be about.
He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is
coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soon after
our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had
trouble with the
elevators.
A department manager got stuck between floors and, after some
door
banging, finally attracted attention. His name was taken and
rescue
promised.
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic
arrived and got the
manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found
this note from his
very-efficient,very beautiful,but alas very
blonde secretary:
"The elevator people called and will be here in
two hours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple
was touring the capitol in Washington, DC,
and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the Congressional
Chaplain.
The lady asked, "What does the Chaplain do? Does he pray for
the Senate or House?"
The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both
houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"
You can join The
Funnies
To subscribe, Please send an email to
Thedailyfunnies-subscribe@topica.com
**** ON THIS DAY ****
©
The Tow Truck Driver
Just before Christmas 2004, I
backed my van out of the garage to
discover I had a flat tire. Oh joy
I thought, it was dark, cold and
raining and now a flat tire! I locked
up the van and went back into
the house to call for service. Well,
that didn't go too well either
as it was over an hour later that the tow
truck driver finally
arrived. And he wouldn't have arrived that soon
had he not called
me directly for directions. It seems the tow company
dispatcher
couldn't read a map. The poor tow truck driver had been
sent
everywhere but my house.
The driver told me he had been on
duty for twelve hours that day.
He told me he had volunteered to cover
another driver's shift, as
they were short handed. I'm certain this wild
goose chase, was the
last thing he needed that night. As he was
working to get my tire
changed, he told me the following story:
He told me his two children were in the tow truck sound
asleep. He
had left the tow truck engine running, to keep the kids
warm. There
they were in the truck, two little boys, 2 and 3 years old,
sound
asleep in their jammies, cozy and warm. He went ahead to tell me
that he had just won custody of the children after fighting a
lengthy
battle in court with his Ex-wife. He said that he chose to
drive
nights so his wife would be with the children at night and
then he would be
with them while his wife worked days. He said he
didn't want the boys
to be in childcare.
He told me a couple of nights he got off early
and came home to an
empty house, no sign of his wife or children. He
had not received a
phone call and there was not even a note. He said she
lied and made
up an excuse, he decided to give her the benefit of the doubt
this
first time. He said the second time it happened he realized that
something was very wrong. He said he also talked with neighbors the
next
morning and found out this had been going on for sometime.
He said he found out, that while he was at work his wife had been
going out to bars and leaving the kids with whomever she could find.
She
would make sure to be home before he returned from work.
Here this
man was working a twelve hour day to provide for his
children and had them
right there in the tow truck with him. He was
doing the best he could
at the time. He said he had found a
trustworthy childcare provider
earlier that day which would care for
his children starting the next
day.
He was so happy, and had a big grin on his face as he
was telling me
his story. I could tell he would move mountains for his
little boys
if need be. I admired and respected him for these things. As he
drove away, I thought to myself, there goes a real daddy, thank you
God.
Lord, please give this man the strength of two parents and
please throw in
some special blessings for those little boys too.
And Lord please let
them always know how much they are loved!
I will never
forget the story this tow truck driver shared with me
that night. I truly
believe that my tire was flat for a reason, for
this man needed to tell his
story.
©Copyright, Barbara J. Ervin-Weymouth, January 31,
2005, All Rights
Reserved
~~~
The TRAIN of
Life
Some folks ride
the train of life
Looking out the rear,
Watching miles of
life roll by,
And
marking every year.
They sit in sad
remembrance,
Of wasted days gone
by,
And curse their
life for what it was,
And hang their head and
cry.
But I don't
concern myself with that,
I took a different vent,
I look forward to
what life holds,
And not what has been spent.
So strap me to the
engine,
As securely as I can be,
I want to be out
in the front,
To
see what I can see.
I want to
feel the winds of change,
Blowing in my face,
I want to see what
life unfolds,
As I
move from place to place.
I want to see
what's coming up,
Not looking at the past,
Life's too short
for yesterdays,
It
moves along too fast.
So if the ride
gets bumpy,
While you are looking back,
Go up front, and
you may find,
Your
life has jumped the track.
It's all right to
remember,
That's part of history,
But up front's
where it's happening,
There's so much mystery.
The enjoyment of
living,
Is not where we have been,
It's looking ever
forward,
To
another year and ten.
It's searching all
the byways,
Never should you refrain,
For if you want to
live your life,
You've gotta driv e
the
train.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BaBs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS
****
MERLE KILGORE:
HONORARY TENNESSEE STATE
SENATOR AND CO-WRITER OF “RING
OF FIRE” DEAD AT AGE 70
Nashville, TN
(February 6, 2005)– The distinctive voice of Merle
Kilgore, one of the most significant songwriters and entertainers in
American musical history was forever silenced today. He died this
evening (6th) from congestive heart failure onset from medical
complications related to ongoing treatment for cancer over the last few
months.
He is survived by his wife, Judy, sons Steve and Duane
Kilgore,
daughters, Pam Compton, Kim Pomeroy, and Shane McBee, 8
grandchildren
and 1 great granddaughter.
Funeral Arrangements will be
forthcoming.
For more information contact:
Kirt Webster, 615-777-6995
"Media
Marketing Specialists to the Entertainment Industry"
Webster & Associates
Public Relations
Nashville: 615.777.6995 /
Hollywood: 323.822.0168
/
www.websterpr.com
**** TODAY'S SPECIAL ****
Chicken
and Dumplings
2 boneless, skinless, chicken breasts (4 pieces, up to 2
pounds)
1/2 c flour
Salt and white/black pepper, to taste (white is nice
with this, if you have it)
2 Tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
2 stalks celery,
trimmed, chopped into small cubes
1 medium onion chopped
1 white potato,
peeled and diced
2 carrots, peeled and diced
1 box Jiffy biscuit mix (or
any you have on had), prepared according to directions on box
Handful
parsley, chopped
3 cans (14 oz each) chicken broth
1 c
water
Cut chicken into big chunks. Pour flour into a shallow
dish. Salt and pepper the flour. Coat the chicken chunks by tossing
them all through the flour and rolling them around a bit. Discard the
extra flour and wash hands.
To give the dumplings room to cook,
divide the ingredients and cook in 2 seperate pans. Heat a little oil in
each pan/skillet over medium-high heat. Place chicken pieces in hot pans
and brown for 4 minutes on each side. Remove chicken from pans and reduce
heat to medium. Add chopped veggies and saute` for 2-3 minutes, giving the
pans a shake now and then.
While veggies cook, mix up 1 biscuit
mix, adding a handful of parsley to the batter. Add 1 1/2 cans chicken
broth and 1/2 c water to each pan. Add chicken back to skillets.
Bring liquids to a boil. Drop in biscuit mix a heaping tablespoon at a
time, 5-6 dumplings per pan. Cover with foil or lids and simmer 8-10
minutes. Uncover and cook an additional 3-5 minutes or until sauce
thickens to desired consistency. Adjust salt and pepper to
taste.
Feeds up to 6 with a green salad. Leftovers only get
better tasting.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
What is kosher salt? Is it
better for you than regular salt?
Sodium chloride -- aka salt -- is a crystalline compound that comes
from the oceans. Salt can be harvested from seawater through evaporation, or it
can be mined from inland deposits left by ancient oceans. Most salt we use in
our kitchens and dining rooms is mined, except salt sold as "sea salt," which
comes from seawater.
Different types of salt are created during the
refining process. Some varieties include additives that make them flow freely
through salt shakers, and others have added iodine, which can prevent
hypothyroidism. Most are ground into very fine grains, but a few types are left
in a more natural form made of large, rocky crystals. Fine-grained salts include
table salt, iodized salt, pickling salt, and popcorn salt. Rock salt and kosher
salt are coarse-grained. Sea salt can be found in both fine and coarse forms.
While all of these taste, well, salty, the degree of saltiness and the precise
flavor can vary.
Kosher salt usually has no additives, and it has big
crystals with large surface areas. This size and shape allows it to absorb more
moisture than other forms of salt, and this makes kosher salt excellent for
curing meats. That is essentially where the name comes from. The salt itself is
not kosher, meaning it doesn't conform to Jewish food laws, but this salt is
used to make meat kosher. The Jewish holy book, the Torah, prohibits consumption
of any blood, which is why kosher meat must be slaughtered and prepared in a
specific manner. A common way of removing the final traces of blood from meat is
to soak and salt it.
That's not the only use for kosher salt, however.
The flavor is distinct from ordinary table salt, and some cooks prefer to use it
in all their cooking. Like other coarse salts, kosher salt can be used in
recipes that call for a salt crust. You can even use it to salt the edge of a
margarita glass.
Nutritionally speaking, kosher salt is no different than
table salt, although it does not provide iodine. The human body needs salt to
regulate the electrolyte balance inside and outside of its cells. But studies
have shown that diets low in salt lower a person's blood pressure. As with many
health issues, scientists and doctors don't universally agree on the health
benefits and problems related to salt intake.
**** TODAY'S
POWER POINTS ****
Going To Work On
Monday See If You Can Relate To this Cip
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/20004.htm
To
see the PPS you must have a PPS viewer. To obtain it, go to
http://office.Microsoft.com/Downloads/2000/Ppview97.aspx
PPS
viewer for mac 9 computers
http://rcn.mac.tucows.com/preview/206534.html
**** WABASH VALLEY WEATHER **** Weather Summary: Some
drizzle, light rain and fog for Monday night. Tuesday will stay overcast but
no big rain just some drizzle. A fairly weak system will roll through
Tuesday night and early Wednesday and will bring some light rain changing to
light snow. There may be some small accumulation with this but nothing big.
Behind that system, it will get colder with below normal temperatures for
the middle and end of the week. Another system will need to be watched for
Sunday as rain / snow will be possible. It looks like yet another storm
system for early next week that may bring some snow. Behind that storm we
see even colder air for next week. The general trend the next two weeks will
be colder than normal as we get back into a winter pattern that will
probabaly last till the end of February. -- Jesse Walker
Weather Factoid: The temperature so far this winter is running 1
degree above normal but some colder air over the next two weeks will drive
that back closer to normal. Monday Night Lt. Rain with Drizzle
and Fog Low 38 Tuesday Cloudy, Some Drizzle High 40
Tuesday Night Light Rain Changing to Light Snow Low 30
Wednesday AM Light Snow and Colder High 35 Low 30
Thursday Partly Sunny High 32 Low 22 Friday Partly
Sunny High 37 Low 19 Saturday Partly Sunny High 39 Low
22 Sunday Rain / Snow High 39 Low 28 Monday Mostly
Cloudy High 42 Low 30 ****A PARTING
THOUGHT ****
People who say they don't care what people think are usually
desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George
Carlin
TOON
TIME
Let Me In
http://buffalosjokes.com/12533.htm
<a href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/12533.htm "> Here!</a>
New Head
http://buffalosjokes.com/12531.htm
<a href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/12531.htm "> Here!</a>
Visual Alarm
Clock
http://buffalosjokes.com/12532.htm
<a href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/12532.htm ">
Here!</a>
Fastforward
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1121.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1121.html">Here!</a>
Survivor
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/003.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/003.htm"> Here </a>
Computer
Talk
http://buffalosjokes.com/12536.htm
<a href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/12536.htm "> Here!</a>
Crazy
http://buffalosjokes.com/12534.htm
<a href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/12534.htm "> Here!</a>
Toast
http://buffalosjokes.com/12535.htm
<a href=" http://buffalosjokes.com/12535.htm "> Here!</a>
Availible Men
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1120.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1120.html">Here!</a>
Mannequin Abduction
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/004.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/004.htm"> Here </a>
LAST CALL
A city boy moved to the
country and bought a mule from an old farmer.
The farmer agreed to deliver
the mule the next day. The next day, the
farmer drove up and said, "Sorry,
but I have some bad news. The mule
died."
"Well, then, just give me my
money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK,
then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm
going to raffle him off,"
"You can't raffle off a dead
mule!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,
"Whatever
happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off. I sold a
hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and
made a ninety-eight dollar
profit.
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave
him his two dollars back."
"I knew it was time to get serious about losing weight when
climbing into the bathtub caused my toilet to flush."---Fanny Bright
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.
We
do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for
any reason.
Our features are intended to be for
entertainment only.
~
GOD BLESS AMERICA
~
To subscribe, Please send an email to
Thedailyfunnies-subscribe@topica.com
To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list
Send a blank
email to
thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com
Regarding any problems In
accordance with the 2004
Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or
comments at:
jim4615@earthlink.net
or
Jim Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN
47838-0521
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
REMEMBER THE COLUMBIA & THE STS 107 CREW
NEVER
FORGET 9-11
God Bless America , Our Land , Forever
May She Stand
THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE
Scanned by McAfee, Inc.
3965
Freedom Circle, Santa Clara, CA 95054
Your free subscription is supported by today's sponsor:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Get both the PlayStation2 and Game Cube for Free! Click here to
find out how.
http://click.topica.com/caac8uta84wdMbacFheg/Consumer Research
-------------------------------------------------------------------
--^^---------------------------------------------------------------
This email was sent to: jim4615@yahoo.com
EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?a84wdM.bacFhe.amltNDYx
Or send an email to: Thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com
For Topica's complete suite of email marketing solutions visit:
http://www.topica.com/?p=TEXFOOTER
--^^---------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
