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it's only an ugly rerun from the archives

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This is as close as you can get to plain text messages of years ago
 


THE ONCE DAILY FUNNIES- MONDAY    Jim    
  Jan 26, 2003 19:12 PST  
Welcome, Kick back, relax, have another cuppa

 

and enjoy THE ONCE DAILY FUNNIES

 

    MONDAY JANUARY 27, 2003

 

      "Anyone without a sense of humor is
        at the Mercy of the rest of us."

 

              Heaven Help Them

 

               "Howdy y'all!"

 

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
                     $$$$

 

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: SNOW,SNOW,SNOW,SNOW,SNOW,
& MORE SNOW. Get the Picture????????? Just in case ya don't.
I HATE SNOW....Have a WONDERFUL MONDAY

 

Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband Jim(the sweet dear)
purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school
softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband
seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started.
Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress,
so here it goes:
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

 

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the h**l would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.

 

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

 

Friday: I hate that b~~~~~~d Bruce more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

 

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the *$@#&&&& Weather Channel.

 

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my husband Jim (the B******D) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a
root canal or a hysterectomy.

 

Cathy Lou
********
Toast To Womanhood

 

Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This
gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

 

Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

 

Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see
your rear end without turning around.

 

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more
like splat!

 

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too!"

 

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

 

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is
the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

 

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're
now sitting on your biggest ones.

 

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this
I have stretch marks?"

 

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you
still retain is water.

 

The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course,
the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
***********************************************************
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to
the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

 

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

 

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest.
He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

 

"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in
the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

 

"No, they won't," Jim, replies.

 

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to
paint him."

 

"You're on!" says Jim.

 

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks
on the counter in front of the clerk.

 

"So the paint killed your bird?"

 

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he
didn't survive the sanding between coats."
**********************************
Money Maker
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said
to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the
best Christmas present I ever got."

 

"That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?"

 

"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a
day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a
week not to play it at night."
***********************
Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his
prospective father-in-law.

 

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older
man asked the suitor.

 

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."

 

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father. "There are twelve of us..."
*********************************************************
THE TRUE ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

 

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"

 

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

 

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will
reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham
thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

 

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself
inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young
man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to
camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

 

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others."

 

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be
known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

 

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

 

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

 

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
*************** Ms Lilly *********************
She's a blonde

 

A woman goes to her lawyer to ask about getting a divorce.

 

The lawyer asks, "Does he beat you?"
"No, he does not."

 

"Does he keep you short of money?"
"No, he does not."

 

"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"
"No, he does not."

 

"Is he unfaithful to you?"
"Ahhh, we've got him there.
He was not the father of my last child."
*******************************
A gentle philosophy
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old
farmhouse, and after he had just finished a
rough first day on the job: a flat tire made
him lose an hour of work, his electric drill
quit and his ancient one ton truck refused
to start. While I drove him home, he sat in
stony silence.

 

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.
As we walked toward the front door, he paused
briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the
branches with both hands.

 

When opening the door he underwent an
amazing transformation. His tanned face was
wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small
children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he
walked me to the car. We passed the tree and
my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him
about what I had seen him do earlier.

 

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied.
"I know I can't help having troubles on the job,
but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't
belong in the house with my wife and the children.
So I just hang them up on the tree every night
when I come home and ask My Keeper to take
care of them.

 

Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny
thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning
to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I
remember hanging up the night before."
********************************
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer
his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask
whether anything was troubling him.

 

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I
seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put
the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it
is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need
your help. What can I do?"

 

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay
me in advance."
************
Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with
chores around the house.

 

One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We thought
it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an all-day job.

 

"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.

 

"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think of me
as the son you never had."Although I have three sons, it was always my
daughter who helped me with
chores around the house.

 

One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We thought
it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an all-day job.

 

"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.

 

"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think of me
as the son you never had."
********************
Really Hooked
Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

 

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about your declining
health?"

 

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't afford
cigarettes."
*********
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new
desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and
the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

 

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor
saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In
case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

 

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

 

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is
losing money fast.

 

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3
envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your
predecessor for every thing".

 

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to
its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

 

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens
the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

 

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is,
once again, saved.

 

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes
directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"
*********************************************************

 

The printing of newspapers, magazines and books offer limitless
possibilities for error, human and mechanical. When goofs do occur,
editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the
misprint to the corrected version.

 

Here just a few samples:

 

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts
who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following
correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have
read "pull rip cord."

 

It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt
Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

 

  From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the 
following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at
12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

 

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on
our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program
will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not
experimental.

 

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners'
clothing is rent, that is, torn -- not rented.

 

In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was
misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another
firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.


This is new, it's mine and  I refuse to give it up.
its important to me

personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.

**** TODAYS USELESS FACT ****
What makes peppers so hot?

 

Not all peppers are hot. For example, paprika, pimiento, and bell
peppers are not hot. However, peppers such as chili, ja-lapeno,
and habanera are very hot. These peppers contain capsaicin, which
stimulates the nerve endings in the mouth and makes the brain
believe it is experiencing true heat. Eating a hot pepper can
also make the eyes water and the nose run, and can induce
perspiration.

 

To counteract the pain, the brain releases morphinelike
endorphins that create a mild euphoria, similar to a "runner's
high." Because of this, peppers can be slightly addictive.
Pure capsaicin is so hot that if you dilute a single drop in
100,000 drops of water and then sip the water, it will blister
your tongue.

 

Another interesting trait of capsaicin is that, unlike ginger or
mustard, it can desensitize one to pain if small amounts are
eaten repeatedly or if a large amount is eaten all at once. This
is why chili lovers can eat progressively hotter peppers and
foods.

 

When you burn your mouth by eating a hot pepper, the typical
reaction is to drink water or milk. This won't help at all.
Capsaicin will not dissolve in water and drinking a liquid only
spreads the capsaicin more until your whole mouth is burning.
To alleviate the burning, many people recommend sour cream or
yogurt because the casein in these products breaks down the bond
between the capsaicin and the pain receptors in your mouth. The
most effective method we've found to relieve the burning sensation
is to take a level spoonful of sugar, moisten it with some water,
and then roll it around in your mouth for a half minute or so.

 

Cancer patients often suffer painful mouth sores when undergoing
chemotherapy. Researchers at the Yale University School of
Medicine have found that a candy made of hot peppers and taffy
relieves the pain.

 

The capsaicin found in peppers has been found to be an
anticoagulant. Anticoagulants tend to reduce the risk of heart
attacks and strokes caused by blood clots.

 

Peppers are a rich source of vitamin C. Green bell peppers have
twice as much vitamin C as citrus.
A hot pepper contains 3.5 times as much vitamin C as an orange.

 

~source used: "Do Fish Drink Water?"
by Bill McLain

 

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they
do 'practice'?"

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

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Disclaimer:All of my materials are Borrowed from
various areas on the web and are believed to be public domain .
. If you hold copyright on any of these materials
please inform me so I may give the proper credit,
or remove it which ever you prefer.
******************************

 

Hey,

 

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Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY NOW ,YA HEAR

 

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I'M NOT A LAWYER OR BANKER.

 

NO STRINGS ATTACHED
*******************************

 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

 

God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand