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The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM

From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.

Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.

Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 29,2007

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The person who rows
the boat doesn't have time to rock it.

Not in this office, for sure

We've been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are not a suspect at this time.

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. "What appen to you?" He asks. "Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me." "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein. The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Got Your Back..................

I am a small and precious child, my dads been sent to fight...The only place

I'll see his face, is in my dreams at night. He will be gone too many days

for my young mind to track. I may be sad, but I am proud.

My daddy's got your back...

I am a caring mother. My son has gone to war...

My mind is filled with worries that I have never known before

Everyday I try to keep my thoughts from turning black.

I may be scared, but I am proud.

My son has got your back...

I am a strong and loving wife, with a husband soon to go.

There are times I'm terrified in a way most never know.

I bite my lip, and force a smile as I watch my husband pack...

My heart may break, but I am proud.

My husbands got your back...

I am a soldier... Serving Proudly, standing tall.

I fight for freedom, yours and mine by answering this call.

I do my job while knowing, the thanks it sometimes lacks.

Say a prayer that I'll come home.

It's me who's got your back...

IN GOD WE TRUST...........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Sky Must Fall"

I saw the sky go white,

In the middle of the night,

The roar of thunder drumming in my ears.

I prayed, "Dear Lord, is that you?!"

And he alleviated my fears.

I saw the news today and thought,

'Oh, Lord, why let this happen?'

The Lord replied, with patience,

"Because this world has shapened."

The lightning flashing through the sky

Reminds me of the blasts

Of many bombs that exploded

On many who have passed...

"The lightning is only temporary,"

My Lord said, very gravely,

"It's only a reminder

Of the many who've died bravely."

"Let the storm be a reminder,"

He continued, with a pause...

"These sons and daughters have paid the price

For a very worthy cause."

(by Becky Day)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our

beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the

shell - the nut has gone!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Had a friend whose Grandpa lived with 'em... He was

always going on about the good old days, and the lower

cost of living, in particular...

"When I was a boy, my momma could send me to the store,

and I'd get a ham, a quart of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread,

and a comic book... all fo' a quarter!! You can't DO that no

mo'... them daing video cameras is ever'where ya look......"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doc Taz tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad

news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local elementary school principal told his teachers about a

workshop that would help them become better teachers. One of his

new teachers decided to attend.

When she came back boy was she fired up. She was so excited, the

principal asked what happened.

She said, "I went expecting to come back a better teacher. The

first speaker was good and it was just an outstanding workshop.

The final speaker summed it all up when she said all you teachers

have to do is ... follow a simple principal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was watching television when he saw an advertisement

offering free T-shirts to the first 100 viewers who phoned in. He

called, stated his size, and received his free T-shirt in a few

days. Later he very much regretted doing this. Why?

ANSWER: True story from Connecticut. The advertisement was a trap

for people who used illegal devices to tap into cable television

circuits without paying. It was placed by the owners of the cable

television network and could be seen only by people using illegal

decoders. The "free" T-shirt was soon followed by a letter

informing them that they were committing a federal crime and

imposing a $2000 fine. The recipients had little choice but to pay up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, a little boy visited a doctor for a vaccination. After

the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to band aid the boy's

arm.

"I think you'd better band aid the other arm, doc!", said the boy.

"But, why? I'm supposed to band aid the injected part of your arm

to let your friends know not to touch it."

"Doc, you really don't know anything about how my friends behave!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

America's Most Wanted

I was watching that "Most Wanted" show, and I saw a piece about a

man who was robbing convenience stores and beating up the clerks.

I thought,

"Well, I'm on the road a lot. I have a fair chance of nabbing

this guy." One afternoon I stopped at a convenience store, and I

SAW HIM! He was walking right out of the store! Even though

I was scared, I went right over there and jumped on him. I took

him down to the ground and started beating on him.

Within moments, the cops arrived, but they arrested ME. It turns

out that actors are used on that show.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Child's View Of Love

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate."

Nikka - age 6

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

Jenny - age 4

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else

kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - Age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine - age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Karen - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

~~ BaBs ~~~

DAYS of the WEEK
Because of the reaction people have when they wake
up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over,
the first day of the week is called Moanday.
Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the
week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as
Tootsday.
By the third day of the week, people are wondering
when they can ever find the time to get everything done this
week that they need to,hence the day is known as Whensday.
Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only
Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's erroneously
called Thirdsday.
On the last day of the workweek, people by the time they
get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they
just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's
why the day is known as Fryday.
Saturday night you are pooped from all the week. It's pretty
obvious why the day is called Saterday.
And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people
look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off,
groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep.
Therefore the day is called Soonday.

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We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca

SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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**** Reader's Submissions ****

Here is a copy of the notice I e-messaged to zinester support, but I don't know if it will help since everyone else has been supporting your efforts too in many ways. I have never considered your laughs and tidbids as spam and can not see how anyone else could. Of course, not every computer geek and corporate rule-setter has the smarts outside their daily routine to notice others might really enjoy receiving something they willingly subscribe to: The Daily Funnies!

To: support@zinester.com
Sent: Thursday, September 27, 2007 8:55:15 PM
Subject: not receiving

I MISS YOUR DAILY FUNNIES SITE

Have tried all I know to do...reentered address in my contact list to make sure it wasn't being directed as spam, but no incoming mail from you to think it was spam. Then went directly through the web to get to your site and say there have been daily funnies so I tried to resubscribe...it said wrong password but when I tried to request password I got message that it had been sent to my inbox (twice) only I never get that email either. (nearly two weeks I think)

I know you are doing all you can on your end; here's hoping everything get straightened out soon. Miss the daily funnies in my inbox-ya'll do a good job gathering humor.

You know we take your page for granted and when it fails to show up or whatever, it is missed.

Hope things get straightened around soon.

Definitely not Spam.....

kathy

Thanks,I too hope things work out,
can't tell you how good it makes feel
Jim

**** ON THIS DAY ****

Is it true that we use only 10 percent

of our brain at any given time?

(Some people use a lot less than that.)

Almost everyone has heard the statement "We only use 10 percent

of our brain." Yet virtually no scientist in the world would

agree with the statement, because it's an outright myth. We use

all of our brain.

Why do so many people believe this myth? Probably because of the

fascinating potential it offers. If we are only using 10 percent

of our brain, then if we could learn to use the other 90 percent

we might possibly perform super feats of memory, have

superior intellect, control our bodily functions, and even move

objects by just thinking about them. It's an appealing myth.

No one has been able to track down the origin of this myth. Some

think it's a misquote of Albert Einstein. Others think it might

have started because of a statement William James made in

1908: "We are making use of only a small part of our physical and

mental resources." Still others think it might have been

misconstrued from the valid statement "We only understand how 10

percent of our brain functions."

Let's examine the consequences of using only 10 percent of our

brain at any time. First, why should such a large brain have

evolved at all? Nature is efficient. If we are only using 90

percent of it, why make it so large? Scientists believe that all

healthy brain cells participate in the brain's function.

Second, maladies such as Parkinson's disease and strokes have a

devastating effect even though they damage only a tiny part of

the brain. If we are using only a portion of our brain, then this

small amount of brain damage should not cause a major problem.

The brain has roughly 100 billion brain cells.

There is no scientific evidence that older people can't learn new

things. It may sometimes takes them a little longer, but they

retain the new information as well as younger people.

Your brain has enough storage capacity to record 10 million books.

Growing old does not mean you will lose your memory. Current

brain research indicates that if you keep your brain active, you

will remain mentally sharp regardless of aging.

A signal from one brain neuron to another travels at about 200

mph.

Many scientists believe that the brain is the most complex

structure in the known universe.

~source used: "What Makes Flamingos Pink?"

by Bill McLain

**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help

This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women

and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a

personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.

http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Statistics show that American workers work the first
three hours of every day just to pay their taxes.

That must be why we can't get anything done in the morning

In the morning, we're government workers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****

IRL schedules aerodynamic testing at Iowa Speedway

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) � The Indy Racing League has scheduled its first offseason tests for Oct. 3-4 at Iowa Speedway.

Drivers from the Penske, Andretti Green and Ganassi teams will work with IRL officials on refinements of the aerodynamic package used for the .875-mile oval track in Newton, Iowa, league president Brian Barnhart said Wednesday.

Series champion Dario Franchitti won the inaugural race at Iowa in June.

"Iowa Speedway is like nothing else currently on our circuit," Barnhart said. "It combines the characteristics of a short oval with those of a banked superspeedway. We want to make sure we're providing the best possible on-track product for our drivers and our fans when we return to Iowa Speedway next season."

The 16-race IndyCar season begins March 29 at Homestead-Miami Speedway in Florida. The Iowa Corn Indy 250 is scheduled June 22.

FIND MORE STORIES IN: Iowa | Speedway | IRL | Indy Car Racing | Homestead-Miami Speedway | Drivers | Dario Franchitti | Newton | Brian Barnhart

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press

Honda TV spot debut surprises IRL's Fisher

Helio Castroneves wasn't the only Indy-car driver to make a national television appearance this week.

During a sponsor break in ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" Tuesday, a Honda commercial featuring Sarah Fisher aired for the first time. Fisher nearly fell off her couch.

"I heard my voice and said, 'What the hell?' " Fisher said.

The 30-second commercial in home-video style plays to the music of The Who's "I Can See for Miles." All of the images are "shot" by Asimo, Honda's walking robot.

The commercial's tag line is: "See what we see."

Fisher obviously knew the 30-second spot was in the works, but the timing of its debut surprised her.

"It was pretty cool for it to debut on that show," she said.

The spot will also air during baseball's postseason.

-- Curt Cavin

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

27-

"The Wreck of the Old 97," was inspired by a train wreck near Danville, VA in 1903.

Uncle Josh Graves, Dobro, born Burkett Graves, in Tellico Plains, TN 1928.

Marty Robbins married Marizona Baldwin 1948.

Sue Thompson debuted on the Opry 1952.

The Everly Brothers #1 hit "Wake Up Little Susie" charted 1957.

The National Life and Accident Insurance Company purchased the Ryman Auditorium, and renamed it the "Grand Ole Opry House," in 1963. The purchase price was $207,500.

Connie Smith debuted on the charts with "Once A Day," 1964.

Johnny Cash played to a sold out audience at the Hollywood Bowl 1969.

Paul Mullins "Traditional Grass," born Menifee County, KY 1973.

Charlie Monroe, age 72, died 1975.

Charlie Daniels' single "The Legend of Wooley Swamp" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 chart in 1980.

The first International Bluegrass Music Awards were held in Owensboro, Kentucky 1990.

Brooks & Dunn released "Waitin' on Sundown" on Arista 1994.

Randy Travis and wife Lib were traveling in a limo, from LAX to their California home, when the limo driver suffered a heart attack and died while driving, in 1998. Randy climbed into the front seat and brought the vehicle under control. All attempts to revive the driver were unsuccessful.

-28-

David Parker "Dad" Carter, "The Chuck Wagon Gang," born Milltown, KY 1889.

Joseph Falcon born Rayne, LA 1900. Falcon and wife Cleoma Breaux, recorded the first Cajun record in 1928.

Jim Boyd of the Cowboy Ramblers, born Fannin County, TX 1914.

Jerry Clower country comedy, born Liberty, MS 1926.

Jim Vienneau, MGM Records executive/producer, born Albany, NY 1926.

Tommy Collins born "Leonard Raymond Sipes," Bethany, OK 1930. Inducted NSHF September 19, 1999.

Country Johnny Mathis born Maud, TX 1933.

The "Brown Country Jamboree," debuted on WIBC in Bean Blossom, IN 1941.

Ronnie Reno, "The Reno Brothers," born Buffalo, SC 1947.

Laurie Lewis born Long Beach, CA 1950.

David Lynn Schnaufer, dulcimer, born Hearne, TX 1952.

Johnny Horton and Billie Jean Williams (Hank Williams's widow,) married 1953.

Brenda Lee released "Sweet Nothin's," 1959.

Matt King, singer/songwriter born North Carolina 1966.

Waylon Jennings "I'm A Ramblin' Man" topped the charts 1974.

Mandy Barnett singer/actress, born Crossville, TN 1975.

Johnny Cash was hospitalized with a sinus problem 1978.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Hot Dog" 1988.

Garth Brooks released "In the life of Chris Gaines," 1999.

Renaissance released Lynn Anderson's "Anthology, Vol. 2: The Chart Years" 1999.

Hollywood Records released John Berry's album "Wildest Dreams" 1999.

RCA released Clint Black's "D'Lectrified" 1999.

Randy Kohrs and Shawnna Larkin married on stage at the Ryman Auditorium 2003.

The "Can't You Hear Me Callin' � Bluegrass: 80 Years Of American Music" four-CD set was released 2004. Alison Krauss & Union Station, and Patty Loveless were two of the artists who contributed to the project.

-29-

Clarence "Tom" Ashley, Traditional Bluegrass/ Vocals/Banjo, born "Clarence Earl McCurry,"

Bristol, TN 1895.

Gene Autry born Tioga Springs, TX 1907. Inducted CMHF 1969.

Bill Boyd, Western Swing/Vocals/Guitar, born Fannin County, TX 1910.

Tillman Franks, musician/songwriter/manager Louisiana Hayride, born Stamps, AR 1920.

Jerry Lee Lewis "The Killer," born Ferriday, LA 1935. Inducted R&RHOF 1986, and RHOF.

Tommy Boyce, vocalist/songwriter/producer, born Charlottesville, VA 1939.

Jimmy Wakely debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 1945.

Rose Maddox joined the Grand Ole Opry 1956.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' album "Tall Dark Stranger" 1969.

Jerry Lee Lewis shot his bass player, Norman Bush, in the chest with a 357 magnum in 1976. Norman survived the gunshot, and "The Killer," fired him. The police charged Lewis with a misdemeanor charge, of discharging a firearm within the city limits. Go figure.

Dan Seals' "Three Time Loser" topped the charts 1987.

President George Bush Sr., was a guest of Ralph Emery's, on TNN's "Nashville Now," in 1992.

He was the only sitting president to ever appear on the show.

MCA released Joe Ely's album "Love & Danger" 1992.

Willie Nelson inducted CMHF 1993.

LeAnn Rimes returned to the stage after a three-month absence in 2000. The young star was recovering from a swollen vocal cord.

The 14th Annual Farm Aid concert was held in Noblesville, IN 2001.

Brooks & Dunn's #1 country hit "Only In America" debuted on Billboard's Top 40 chart 2001.

Lorrie Morgan and Sammy Kershaw were married at a Catholic church in Music City 2001. It was Lorrie's fifth marriage, and Sammy's fourth.

Wesley Tuttle, west coast country singer, and the voice of one of the seven dwarf's, in Disney's Snow White, died 2003.

Randy Travis was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame 2004.

-30-

Bob Wills recorded "Right Or Wrong," 1936.

Richard Bowden, "Pinkard & Bowden," born Linden, TX 1945.

WSM-TV went on the air 1950.

Billboard renamed their "Hillbilly" music chart, the "Country & Western" chart in 1950.

Deborah Allen born "Deborah Lynn Thurmond," Memphis, TN 1953.

Patsy Cline signed with Bill McCall and Four Star Records 1954.

Buddy Holly released "Peggy Sue," 1957.

Marty Robbins released "The Story Of My Life/Once-A-Week Date," 1957.

Marty Stuart born Philadelphia, MS 1958.

Johnny Cash appeared on the TV show "Hootenanny" 1963.

Eddie Montgomery of "Montgomery Gentry," born Danville, KY 1963.

Roy Acuff Jr. recorded his first session for Hickory Records 1965.

Daron Norwood born Lubbock, TX 1965.

Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "I've Got You On My Mind Again/That's All Right With Me" 1968.

Mel Tillis' "I Ain't Never" topped the charts 1972.

Mary Ford, "Iris Colleen Summers" age 49, singer, and wife of Les Paul, died 1977.

Robert Gardner, age 80, of "Mac & Bob" died 1978.

"Sweet Dreams" a movie about the life of Patsy Cline premiered in Nashville 1985.

George Jones and Frances Preston inducted CMHF 1992.

Dolly Parton, appearing on TNN's "Prime Time Country" in 1998, stated to the host that "President Clinton is a horny old toad."

Connie Eaton, age 49, died in Nashville, TN 1999.

Tim McGraw's album "Live Like You Were Dying" was certified gold by the RIAA 2004.

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Uncle Kracker pleads guilty to assault

RALEIGH, N.C. - Uncle Kracker pleaded guilty Friday to a misdemeanor assault charge in an incident last month at a Raleigh nightclub.

A Wake County judge sentenced the singer, whose real name is Matthew Shafer, to 12 months' probation, fined him $1,500 and ordered him to undergo an alcohol assessment.

Assistant District Attorney Adam Moyers said Shafer put his hand up a woman's skirt at the nightclub. The 26-year-old woman slapped Shafer, and he slapped her back, Moyers said.

The woman later reported the incident to an off-duty police officer.

Shafer, a 33-year-old Michigan native, is a former disc jockey for Kid Rock. His hits include a duet with Kenny Chesney, "When the Sun Goes Down."

Evans won't have to answer to allegations of affairs

By MITCHELL KLINE

Staff Writer

FRANKLIN � Country music star Sara Evans will not be required to respond to questions that allege she cheated on her husband, Craig Schelske.

That's according to an order in the couple's divorce case signed Wednesday by Williamson County Chancery Court Judge R.E. Lee Davies.

Earlier this month Schelske's attorneys filed documents alleging Evans had up to 11 extramarital affairs and asking her to answer a long list of questions.

"There was no purpose in having the (questions) filed at the time," according to the order signed by Davies.

The divorce proceedings have taken an ugly turn. Evans and Schelske accused each other of being unfaithful. Evans made the initial charges against Schelske in her Oct. 12, 2006, divorce filing.

The couple met with a mediator to try to agree on the custody of their children and division of their assets. Those meetings have been confidential. A public hearing is scheduled today in Hickman County at which Davies will determine whether a mediated settlement agreement is enforceable.

Also filed this week was a transcript from a hearing that took place Sept. 18. At that hearing Evans told the judge that Schelske wants to ruin her career.

Her attorneys introduced e-mails they said were sent by Schelske to Evans. Copies of those e-mails have been made public.

An e-mail to Evans dated Aug. 20 said: "Is it your desire to return to all out war? If it is rest assured that I am more than willing to continue. If it is then it means that the interrogatories will become public record, your affairs will become public, your mental illness will become public, etc."

An e-mail dated Aug. 23 said: "I don't care about draining every last dime and completely destroying your career."

HATEFUL HUSBAND WHO LIVED OFF HIS WIFE'S EARNINGS

BET HE'LL BE PROUD WHEN HIS KIDS GROW UP TO READ HIS TRASH

AND AS FAR AS MENTAL ILLNESS GOES I THINK HE SHOULD LOOK IN A MIRROR ....JIM

Judge grants Evans' divorce

By MITCHELL KLINE

Staff Writer

Country music star Sara Evans was granted a divorce today.

Evans and her ex-husband, Craig Schelske, have been embroiled in a year-long legal battle that included allegations of adultery and hidden assets and arguments about who their children would stay with.

Chancery Court Judge R.E. Lee Davies announced today that the parties had reached an agreement. The case was heard by Davies in a Hickman County courthouse, although Evans filed for divorce in Williamson County, where the couple lived.

In a court document submitted to the court this morning, attorneys for Evans and Schelske state that their clients will "have no further comment regarding any allegations of fault or misconduct alleged by either party in these divorce proceedings."

The document states that both parties have agreed to resolve all issues in their divorce and wish the other well "in all future endeavors." Both Evans and Schelske have asked for privacy after each made numerous accusations about the other in public court filings.

Evans made the initial charges against Schelske in her Oct. 12, 2006, divorce filing.

Country Aircheck - TODAY'S NEWS - September 27, 2007

September 27, 2007 TODAY'S NEWS � Medium Rehr: NAB President/CEO David Rehr delivered an impassioned plea at the NAB Radio Show in Charlotte today, urging broadcasters to "stand united" in selling radio to consumers and advertisers. With commercial radio's 100th anniversary in 2020, Rehr unveiled a "Radio 2020" initiative aimed at repositioning the industry. Details here. Rehr also addressed the NAB's efforts to defeat what it calls a proposed performance "tax" on radio. He said, "The big record labels are spinning the same old tune to Congress, asking them to impose a tax on radio to line the pockets of international record executives. We can't and won't let that happen."

� Brooks & Done: Kansas City's new Sprint Center, opening in October with Elton John, will be the site of Garth Brooks' "One Artist, One City, One Time" show set for Nov. 14 at 7:30pm. "Several months ago we'd announced that we would perform a thank-you concert for our friends at Wal-Mart," Brooks said in a statement released to Country Aircheck. "They'd suggested either Fayetteville or Kansas City. AEG was kind enough to help us out with this concert and offered the opening of the new Sprint Center. We were thrilled since this allowed us the opportunity to make this an even bigger party by opening up the concert to the public." Ticket information will be released Oct. 3.

� Atkins By It: Curb's Rodney Atkins has been named the celebrity spokesperson for the National Council For Adoption. Atkins, who was adopted as an infant, will serve as keynote speaker and musical guest at the organization's All National Parent Recruitment Summit Oct. 3 in Washington, DC.

� Angel Band Together: Texas native Neal McCoy will perform at and host the 13th Annual East Texas Angel Network (ETAN) benefit in his hometown of Longview this weekend. The ETAN was established by McCoy to provide assistance for area families of children suffering from life-threatening illnesses. Jamie O'Neal is also set to perform.

� Fo The Humanity: The CMA is teaming with several artists to build a Habitat for Humanity home in Nashville. Along with CMA staffers, Katie Armiger, Jeremy Boz, Ansel Brown, Jamie Dailey of Dailey & Vincent, Carlton Moody of Burrito Deluxe and The Roys will build a home over four weekends in September and October.

� Crib Note: Congrats to Halfway to Hazard's David Tolliver and his wife, Barbara, on the birth of their second child, Madison Rose, Tuesday (9/25).

� Country Aircheck Today Top 5: Here are our Top 5 songs for September 26 airplay:

BRAD PAISLEY/Online (Arista) 2081 points

RASCAL FLATTS/Take Me There (Lyric Street) 1991 points

TOBY KEITH/Love Me If You Can (Show Dog) 1970 points

KENNY CHESNEY/Don't Blink (BNA) 1801 points

TIM MCGRAW/If You're Reading This (Curb) 1724 points

Country Aircheck Today's Mover: BRAD PAISLEY/Online (Arista) +43 spins (Biggest increase by a previously charted song, 9/25 - 9/26).

Country Aircheck Today's Shaker: DOLLY PARTON/Better Get To Livin' (Dolly) +37 spins (Biggest increase by a previously uncharted song, 9/25 - 9/26).

All daily airplay data is from Mediabase 24/7.

�Country Aircheck Today Top 5 Downloads: Here are Play MPE's Top 5 for September 26:

MARTINA MCBRIDE/For These Times (RCA)

VINCE GILL/How Lonely Looks (MCA)

FLYNNVILLE TRAIN/Tequlia Shelia (Show Dog)

KELLY WILLIS/The More That I'm Around You (RYKODISC)

ELI YOUNG BAND/When It Rains (Carnival)

� Tube Check Tomorrow (9/28): Montgomery Gentry, Las Vegas (NBC).

� Tomorrow's Birthdays (9/28): Mandy Barnett, the late Jerry Clower, Matt King, Buzz Jackson, Joe Kelly, Scot Michaels.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

What's the best wood to burn in a fireplace?

Everyone knows a toasty fire can turn even the chilliest night into a pleasant evening. But if your fires are more fizzle than flame, the comfort may not be worth the effort. The wood you choose to stoke your chilly days and nights does make a difference. We started with a search on "best firewood" and quickly found our answer. Master Sweep Chimney Service provides a thorough background on how to pick your wood.

Most experts say it does not matter what kind of wood you burn: as long as it is really, truly seasoned. Seasoning wood is the process of letting the wood dry thoroughly over a period of a year or more. Unseasoned wood contains too much moisture, smolders instead of burns, and doesn't produce substantial heat.

Putting aside the issue of seasoning wood, they recommend burning hard woods such as oak, madrone, eucalyptus, or walnut. For those who light up only occasionally, they recommend fir for its easy, consistent burn and pleasant smell. Check out the links in our Wood category for more.

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