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Anything above this line may be spam;beyond my control
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything.
Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help Them
Remember,it is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser
God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
MONDAY OCTOBER 1,2007
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Good friends are like stars....
you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found
one lone teller trying to balance his books. After
forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged
him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel
bag, they were about to leave when they heard the
teller making noises through his gag.
Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was
trying to say,
"Take my balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short $70."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hannah, country church organist for many years, had taken to
falling asleep during the sermon. As she was loved by all, this
fault was easily overlooked. Besides, the position of the organ
at the east end of the platform kept her pretty much away from
the congregation's normal line of vision.
One Sunday as the sermon was building to a climax, the minister
swung his arm forcefully and cried: "Look to the East!" The
congregation, following his gesture, gasped and then chuckled
softly. There sat Hannah, head back and mouth open, sleeping
the sleep of the innocent. The minister regained his composure
and concluded his message with equal poise. Hannah awoke at
her usual time and played the closing hymn, forever unaware
of what had happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life.
Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.
While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under arrest"?? What's the charge?
Making an obscene clone fall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contrary to popular belief, most blondes do indeed know the value
of a dollar. The other day a blonde from Atlanta had her car
break down. The tow truck driver charged her $ 65.00 to take the
car to the garage less than 10 miles away.
When she told her husband that evening, he said that the driver
had taken advantage of her.
She said, "I thought so. But I made him earn it. I kept the
brakes on all the way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HE WAS SO BLONDE
So there's this blonde soldier who is all excited about joining the army. He heads for the local recruiter's office and says he's psyched to join. The recruiter says "Hey, great! Here's your gun," and hands the new soldier a broomstick.
The blonde dude says, "Hang on, what kind of a gun is this? It doesn't even have a bayonet!" The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end, and says "You're all set now, just head out to the battle front, point your gun, and say 'Bangity-Bangity-Bang' and the gun will work fine. Swing it around, and say 'Stabity-Stabity-Stab' and the bayonet will do its thing." The soldier is a skeptic, but he's also not the brightest guy, so he believes the Sarge and heads for the battle front.
There he is, in the middle of all the fighting, with a crazed look in his eye. He picks up his trusty broomstick, and waves it around at the enemy, saying "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!, Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" To his amazement, everyone on the field is completely wiped out. Everyone, that is, except for one fighter, who is advancing very slowly and steadily toward our hero.
The soldier thinks, "Hey, no sweat," and aims his broomstick. "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!" No difference -- the enemy soldier keeps advancing, slowly and steadily. Our man waves his weapon threateningly and says "Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" Still nothing. The enemy advances steadily toward the soldier. He bumps into the soldier, knocks him down, advances up over his legs, stomach, chest, and face and continues over the other side -- slow and steady.
As the enemy moves away, the soldier hears him saying "Tankity-Tankity-Tank."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose woman. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy
Shaughnessy?"
Yes, Father, it is."
And who was the woman you were with?"
I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now.
"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast
lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and
you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with
you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ms Lilly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Irishman who stayed up
all night wondering where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A policeman on his beat in Portsmouth, found a sailor lying on
the floor with blood all over his face.
He picked the young man up and said : “Could you describe the man
who hit you?”
The sailor said : “That’s what I was doing when he hit me”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thefendant was on trial for murder. There was
strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was
no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer,
(knowing that his client would probably be convicted),
resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise
for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his
watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead
in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the
previous statement. But you all looked on with antic-
ipation. I therefore put to you that you have a
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone
was killed and insist that you return a verdict of
not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A
short while later, the jury returned and pronounced
a verdict of Guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had
some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look. Your
client didn't."
~~~~~~~~~~
Bob, a hard-bitten man of early middle age, had evaded many a marital
trap, but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young Sue. Finally he
said, "Will you marry me, Sue?"
She smiled and said, "Oh yes, Bob."
There followed a long silence, till Sue said, "Well, say something more,
Bob."
And Bob said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it is."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and
presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted
him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new
abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions, they
finally arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why do I get a rundown
shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with
the money you sent us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to
catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled
and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken
leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called
out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's
back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground,
he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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**** Reader's Submissions ****
**** TODAYS LINKS ****
Nice power point site:
Ecclesiastes 3
http://tinyurl.com/3dcehh
The Trouble Tree
http://www.lilsplace.com:80/trouble_tree.htm
God will always love us
http://www.my-tgif.com/Godwillalwaysloveus.htm
Everything
http://www.my-tgif.com/everything.htm
God Knows
http://www.nethugs.com/godknows.shtml
Live a Life That Matters
http://susie1114.com/LiveALife.html
"Da Mouse Tracks"
**** ON THIS DAY ****
Bet Ya' Didn't Know:
The Spanish explorers thought pineapple looked like
a pine cone, so they called it "pina." The English
added "apple" to associate it with juicy delectable
fruits. South American Indians had a name for
pineapple meaning "fragrant excellent fruit," which
became the basis for its botanical name: ananas.
The scientific name for pineapple is Ananas Cosmosus.
A green flash is sometimes seen just as the sun sets
or rises. This occurs because green light is bent most
strongly by the atmosphere. So the green is seen
before other colors at sunrise, and after the other
colors have vanished at sunset.
In Hollywood's early movie-making days, even the stars
supplied their own wardrobe for contemporary films.
Period clothes were supplied from stock, or by the
Western Costume Company, established in 1912.
This remained the practice for most male actors
and for all extras. Anyone with a dress suit could
earn extra money and higher status in films of
the 1920s.
A pig is a hog — but a hog is not a pig. "Hog" is a generic
name for all swine. Per hog-raising terminology, a pig is
a baby hog less than ten weeks old.
If all the water in the atmosphere at any one time was
to fall as rain, it would cover the entire Earth's surface
to a depth of 1 inch.
In 1989, the Soviet Union began employing what it
called "The Sinatra Doctrine" — relaxing the existing
controls and letting its eastern European satellites
"do it their way." Crooner Frank Sinatra's lyric "I Did
it My Way" was popular even in the USSR.
The 605-foot-tall Space Needle is fastened to its foundation
with 72 bolts, each 30 feet long. The Space Needle sways
approximately 1 inch for every 10 mph of wind. It was built
to withstand a wind velocity of 200 miles per hour.
The first bottles of Coca-Cola sold for a mere 5 cents
per bottle in 1899. There are now more than 1,000
Coca-Cola bottling plants worldwide.
Spider silk is an extremely strong material and its on-weight
basis has been proven to be stronger than steel. Experts
suggest that a pencil-thick strand of silk could stop a
Boeing 747 in flight.
Tonto Natural Bridge in Arizona is the largest natural
travertine bridge in the world, spanning Pine Creek 183
feet high. Mineral springs rich with limestone formed
the massive bridge one drop at a time. Hats, shoes,
or other items left in the creek become encrusted
with travertine and appear to be made of stone.
The stegosaurus was a dinosaur with a head so small
that the nerve knot in the middle of the back was
larger than its brain.
Felix Mendelssohn wrote his most famous overture,
"A Midsummer Night's Dream," when he was just
seventeen.
There are an estimated 285,000 species of flowering
plants on Earth compared to 148,000 for all other plants.
Flowering plants are very important because they provide
food for herbivores — plant-eating animals — and for
humans.
"Da Mouse Tracks"
**** HEADS UP FOLKS ****
These Are My Causes Please Help
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women
and men. Features include health facts, practical tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A smile makes us look younger… while prayers make
us feel stronger… and friends…? They make us enjoy life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If your children spend most of their time in other people's houses,
you're lucky; if they all congregate at your house, you're blessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read this
jim4615@joink.com
subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** MOTOR SPORTS NEWS ****
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
October is "Country Music Month," by Presidential Necree.
"October"
-1-
Charles Grean, songwriter/producer/record company executive, born NYC 1913.
Skeets McDonald, born "Enos William McDonald," Greenway, AR 1915.
Bonnie Owens, born "Bonnie Campbell" in Blanchard, OK 1932. Bonnie is the former wife of Buck Owens, and Merle Haggard.
Ernest Tubb's "Slippin' Around" topped the charts 1949.
The "Town and Country Time Jamboree," debuted on WMAL TV in Washington, DC 1956.
Dave Gibson, "The Gibson/Miller Band," born El Dorado, AR 1956.
Capitol Records released Buck Owens' LP "Your For Me" 1962.
Kelly Willis born Lawton, OK 1968.
Loretta Lynn recorded "Coal Miner's Daughter," 1969.
Texas Bill Strength, age 45, recording artist/DJ died as the result of an auto accident 1973.
Tanya Tucker's "Blood Red and Goin' Down" was # 1 in 1973.
President Carter proclaimed October as "Country Music Month," in 1980.
Conway Twitty's "Tight Fittin' Jeans" topped the charts 1981.
Tony Booth joined Gene Watson's "Farewell Party Band," 1982.
Slim Newman, of "The Georgia Crackers" died 1982.
Michelle Wright debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 1992.
Tim Rushlow married wife Mary Jane 1993.
Beaumont, Texas named a street "George Jones Place" in honor of their favorite son 1995.
Mac Davis, Allen Reynolds, Bill Edd Wheeler, and Randy Goodrum, inducted NSHF 2000.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Josh Turner invited to join Grand Ole Opry
Saturday, September 29, 2007 – Josh Turner was invited to become the newest member of the Grand Ole Opry Saturday. Turner will be formally inducted into the Opry family by Vince Gill on Oct. 27.
During "Opry Live," Turner presented Roy Clark with a plaque commemorating his years in music, marriage and also 20 years as a Grand Ole Opry member. After accepting, Clark noticed an envelope attached to the back of the plaque. He opened it and found a formal invitation enclosed and read it aloud.
"Well, actually this is for you, Josh," said Clark. "It reads - how would you like to formally become a member of the Grand Ole Opry?"
After taking a moment to regain his composure and give Clark a hug, Turner said, "I made my Opry debut back in 2001. I never knew this could happen so early. And if this is an invitation, I say yes."
Turner's Dec. 21, 2001 Opry debut was done before he even had a song released to country radio. He earned a standing ovation for the song that would become his breakthrough hit, "Long Black Train," during the performance of the song and a second standing ovation following an encore.
"It is with great enthusiasm that we invite Josh to become the newest member of the Grand Ole Opry," said Pete Fisher, Opry vice president and general manager. What began as a magical moment with his debut performance...has grown into a very special relationship with the Opry and the rest of its membership. We look forward to Oct. 27th when Opry member Vince Gill will formally welcome him into our family."
Nashville stars honor songwriter couple
By BEVERLY KEEL
Staff Writer
Legendary songwriters Boudleaux and Felice Bryant were remembered Friday at Vanderbilt's Blair School of Music in honor of the 50th anniversary of three of their most famous compositions.
It was in 1957 that "Bye Bye Love," "Wake Up Little Susie" and "All I Have to Do Is Dream" were either written or recorded. This also marks the 50th anniversary of the meeting between the Bryants and the Everly Brothers, who recorded 31 Bryant songs.
"I learned so much from Felice and Boudleaux that served me and that I've passed on to my children," Phil Everly said. "The heritage goes far beyond the music. They were truly brilliant people, and that's why we have an event like this."
The couple penned more than 6,000 songs during their careers, including "Rocky Top," "Love Hurts," "She Wears My Ring," "Bird Dog" and "Raining in My Heart." They were inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame, Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame and National Songwriters Hall of Fame.
"Boudleaux and Felice Bryant were the first professional songwriters in Nashville," said Ralph Emery, who co-hosted the show with John Seigenthaler. "They are the spiritual godparents of thousands who make their living today."
Newlyweds Jessi Alexander and Jon Randall sang "Wake Up Little Susie," "Bye Bye Love," "Love Hurts" and "We Could," and Vince Gill sang the 1949 hit "Country Boy." Gill was joined by daughter Jenny on "All I Have to Do Is Dream." Numerous videos of the Bryants discussing their work and each other were also a highlight.
"They were such sweet people, and there's a tinge of sweetness to all of this stuff," said BMI's Del Bryant of his parents.
His brother, Dane, said the evening "is like being in the bedroom at 10 o'clock and hearing Mama and Daddy downstairs working. It's fun to be sharing these songs again with people."
Couple loved, wrote with passion
If the couple wrote love songs like few others, perhaps it's because their marriage was what most could only dream of having. Boudleaux, who died in 1987 at age 67, and the feisty Felice, who died at age 77 in 2003, were devoted lovebirds until the end.
Friday's remembrance conjured country music's good old days, so it was only fitting that the audience included not only the architects of the genre's sound, but the keepers of its soul, such as Harold Bradley, Allen Reynolds, Jim Fogelsong, Fred Foster, Mary Martin, Norro Wilson and Rose Drake. Musical creators in the house included David Briggs, Jerry Chesnutt, Randy Scruggs, Larry Henley, Matraca Berg, Jeff Hanna, Billy Dean, David Malloy, Sean Camp, Scotty Emerick, Sherrie Austin and Will Rambeaux.
Songwriter Dennis Morgan pored over the Bryants' songwriter ledger, open to the lyrics of "Bye ByeLove," on display in the lobby. After Boudleaux's death, Morgan wrote songs with Felice, who insisted they start their own ledger. "We only filled up about three or four pages, but I was pretty honored," Morgan said.
Loveless to ride Appalachia Santa Train Fri Sep 28, 3:09 PM ET
KINGSPORT, Tenn. - As a child, Patty Loveless received gifts from the Santa Train that rolled through her native Eastern Kentucky mountains every holiday season.
On Nov. 17, the 50-year-old country singer will return as a guest on the train as it distributes 15 tons of toys and gifts in Kentucky, Virginia and Tennessee.
This will be the 65th journey for the Santa Train, a holiday project co-sponsored by CSX Transportation, the Kingsport Tennessee Area Chamber of Commerce and the Abingdon, Va.-based Food City Grocers.
Loveless grew up in Pikeville, Ky., where the 110-mile trek begins. She rode the train in 1999 and 2002 and chronicled the trips in a song she wrote and recorded titled, "Santa Train."
"Patty's personal connection with Appalachia makes her a perfect on-board guest," said CSX President/CEO Michael J. Ward. "The Santa Train resonated with Patty, even as a child, and we look forward to providing lasting memories for all those who receive gifts during our 65th year."
Other celebrities who have taken the train include Alison Krauss, Naomi Judd, Travis Tritt and Rebecca Lynn Howard.
**** Amy's Kitchen ****
CHOCOLATE PECAN MUFFINS
6 oz semisweet chocolate, chopped
3 tbsp butter
1 cup flour
2 tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 egg
1/3 cup buttermilk
1 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup chopped pecans (I like to toast mine first!)
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
Topping:
1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
2 tbsp butter, melted
1/4 cup chopped pecans
Preehat oven to 375*F. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with paper cups. Melt
the 6 ounces of chopped chocolate and butter together in the microwave
on HIGH for 1 to 2 minutes and stir until smooth. Combine the flour,
sugar, baking powder, and cinnamon. Mix well and add the egg,
buttermilk, vanilla, and chocolate mixture. Stir to moisten ad add the
chopped pecans and the chocolate chips. Fill the muffin cups 3/4 full.
Mix together the ingredients for the topping and sprinkle on the top of
the muffin batter before baking. Bake the muffins for 20 to 25 minutes
or until tester inserted in the center of a muffin comes out clean.
Makes 12 muffins.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
Why do car doors open rear to front?
In the days when car door latches weren't as secure as they are
today, it was found that doors that swing open front to rear were
more likely to be pulled open by air pressure that builds up
around a fast-moving car. With doors that open rear to front, the
air pressure actually helps prevent the door from coming open.
~source used: "Ever Wonder Why?"
by Douglas B. Smith
****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andrew A. Rooney
LAST CALL Y'ALL
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
In God I trust. All others we polygraph
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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