Anything above
this line may be spam;beyond my control
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
service.THIS IS NOT SPAM
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000
"Friends are God's way of
taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG -
Not intended for younger readers - PG
An apology is the superglue of life. It can
repair almost anything.
Welcome New Subscribers
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy
of the rest of us. Heaven Help
Them
Remember,it is easier to get
older
than it is to get
wiser
God, grant me the Senility to
forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones
I do,
And the eyesight to tell the
difference.

THURSDAY OCTOBER 4,2007
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: A miracle drug is one that has
the same price
as last year. None of mine are miracles, the
only miracle is I can still eat
after a trip to the
pharmacy.
Price of Gas
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
Makes
one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29
..........$10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19.........$ 9.52 per
gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .................$10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray
16 oz $1.25 ..........$10 .00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ............
$33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ............$178.13 per
gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...........$123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz
$1.39 ...........$25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99
.....................$84.48 per gallon
and this is the REAL
KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon
$21.19
FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know
the source..,,,Isn"t that
French?
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car
doesn't
run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or Heaven forbid,
PEPTO BISMOL or
NYQUIL!!!!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next
trip
to the pump.
~~~ ~~~
A Chap walks up to
another chap in a pointed hat and says:
Chap: You're Merlin aren't
you?
Merlin: Why yes... it's nice to be recognized!
Chap: Bit of a
Wizard... I hear?
Merlin: Well Yes... I've been told I'm skilled.
Chap: Do
tricks and things... don't ya... Magical stuff?
Merlin: Magical... yes that's
correct.
Chap: Turn Kings into Frogs... and that sort of thing... Is that
right?
Merlin: Well Yes... I suppose I could Turn a King into a
Frog!
Chap: Ever Mucked up... Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin: Well Yes...
hasn't everyone?
Chap: Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin: Yes I can... with
knowledge of who applied the Curse and the
actual words of enchantment, I
could do it... Why?
Chap: I'm Cursed
Merlin: Really... and how long have
you been bewitched?
Chap: Years.....
Merlin: Do you know the words spoken
over you to lay this curse?
Chap: Yeah .. can't forget them!
Merlin: What
were they?
Chap: something like... Do you take this women to be your
lawfully
wedded wife?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Already There
In this life I'm a
woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a
bear. When you're a bear,
you get to hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could deal
with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid I
could
deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your
children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute
cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with
that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You
swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them
too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS
you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess
body fat.
Yup...gonna be a bear.
~~~~ Ms Lilly ~~~~
Traveling
through New England a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny
village. "What type
of town is this?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native
drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live
in this dad-blamed,
moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's
merely enjoying its quaint
and picturesque rustic charms for a short
spell."
~~~~~
"Doc, I just
wanted to let you know that there is an invisible man in
your waiting room"
"Tell him I can't see him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Your
honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses
that can
testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the
crime when it
occurred." The judge looked at the defense table and
said, "This is the third
time you've been in this court room this week,
and I'm getting sick of
hearing your lies."
The defendant stood up with a confused expression and
said, "Your
honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life."
Waving
his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your
lawyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My granddaughter came to
spend a few weeks with me, and I
decided to teach her to sew. After I had
gone through a
lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine,
she
stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in
disbelief,
"You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game
Boy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy was selling his house
and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for
the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the
agent and asked, "Have I got all
you say there?" The agent said, "Certainly
ye have ... Why do ye ask?"
Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale ... its too good
to part with!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once a
general store in central Kansas back around 1900. The
owner was an elderly
man who went to church for a long time. The store
always had those two or
three "older gentlemen" that you always see on
the front porch talking about
"the war" or how it used to be. Anyway,
this certain storeowner had the habit
of quoting Scripture every time he
made a transaction, and it was always a
different verse. It got to where
the old men on the porch came in every time
a customer showed up just to
hear what the verse was going to be. Well, one
day, a Texan came in and
inquired about the rug that was hanging on the wall.
The man asked about
the price of the rug, and the owner told him $400. But,
the owner and
the old men all knew that the true worth was about $200. So the
Texan
thought it over and said, "I'll take it!" He bought the rug and left
the
store. The old men stared at the owner in anticipation of what
possible
Scripture could follow such a dishonest act. The owner said, "He was
a
stranger, and I took him in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUCH LIKE HERE AT
THE FUNNIES
In a software design meeting, we were using
typical technical
Jargon to discuss a data
exchange interface with a vendor. One
co-worker
said the programming we had ordered was delayed
because the
vendor was suffering from a "severe
nonlinear waterfowl
issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and
asked, "What
exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all
their
ducks in a row."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bartender asks him "What'll you
have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the
drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What
are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer,
sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender,
"You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which constitutes a
binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for
a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day,
same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in
here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy
says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life",
to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must
have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a
scotch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother Teresa died
and went to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry,
Mother Teresa?" asks God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
.So God
opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share
it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and
sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and
wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God
again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once
again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne,
lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says nothing.
The following day,
mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself
any longer. Meekly, she says, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a
reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat
is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors
and kings! I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says,
"for just two people, does it pay to
cook?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fight broke out between a
couple redneck locals and a lone
biker at closing time in the local watering
hole. After easily
laying out the drunken hillbillies the biker heard
someone behind
him! So he swung around and landed a devastating kick to the
groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up
empty
glasses.
When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the
woman
alleging she was kicked in the altercation?"
To which she answered,
"I ain't never had no alteration!
These is all my 'riginal
parts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A true story. RATED
PG
My Sister-in-law is the chief EMT in a small town in Southern
Indiana. She was on duty one night when there came a call of
a "domestic
disturbance". The custom was that an ambulance was
dispatched to accompany
all of these calls received by the
police. She arrived just behind the
policeman. When they got out
of their vehicles, a woman's voice could be
heard screaming from
inside the back of the house.
The policeman
broke open the front door, and the screaming
intensified. As they ease their
way through the house to the
master bedroom the screaming kept getting
louder and louder. When
they opened the bedroom door, the first thing they
saw as a naked
woman, spread eagle on the bed and tied hand and foot to the
four
corners of the bed. The lady saw the policeman and my
sister-in-
law, and shut up, and then started babbling. At this point my
sister-in-law was the first to see him.
Laying at the foot of the
bed, was a naked man, dressed only in a
Batman cape and head piece. He was
unconscious and bleeding from
a wound above his left eye. When he was rolled
over, he was
recognized as the mayor, and the lady was not his wife. When it
was sorted out, they were participating in some sex role playing.
And,
when the mayor got up on the end of the bed, he had been
struck in the head
by the ceiling fan, knock unconscious, the
lady though he had been killed,
and had started screaming because
she did not want to lay there
forever.
The mayor begged, pleaded, and ordered that no one talk. But, a
few days later when he stopped in to a local diner for
breakfast, the
customers began humming the Batman
theme
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHE MUST of BEEN
BLONDE
Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set
that had
neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room,
Harry spotted the cause
immediately: the set was unplugged.
Harry faced a dilemma: one part of him
said he shouldn't
charge the woman; the other insisted he be paid for his
time.
Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service bill,
which read: "Restored isolated connecting cable to primary
power source.
$25."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new recruit was sitting idly in the barrack room.
A passing
officer saw him and barked : "You're no longer a civilian. What
was your job before you were called up?"
"I ran a shop, sir", the recruit
replied.
"Did you employ people?"
"Yes, sir, twenty."
"What would you
have done if you had caught them doing nothing?"
"I would have sacked them
immediately", the soldier said
hopefully.
~~~~~~~~
Poverty - It was
one of those proper mid-western colleges. All
they gave their basketball
players was room and board, plus
$2,700.00 a week towards their
books.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve
drinking at the local tavern. He
knew he had a long walk home, so though he
was a wee tipsy, he
recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery. Paddy
staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a
hole
dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he
hit bottom. Upon
awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and
realized where he was-- and
promptly shouted
"Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day--
and I'm
the first one up!"
**** A VISIT TO DOC TAZ ****
A
pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle
with an
elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than
every 4 hours,"
the pharmacist says. "Don't worry," replies the
patient. "It takes me 4
hours to get the lid off".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lady says
to her pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication
have 40 side
effects?"
Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so
far."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Max, 8, was talking about his
first experience with
snowboarding. He commented that on the last run
he
fell backwards and hit his head pretty hard and
said, "And then you guys
were asking me questions
to see if I had
Indonesia".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Already the Mother of two rambunctious
boys, the husband was
thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to
have twins
this time. Doc told the wife that she should start thinking of
names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and
Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly
Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God.
"I could eat," Mother
Teresa replies.
.So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye
bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks
down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,
pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains
quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it
is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell
enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says
nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is
opened. She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says, "God, I am
grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I
led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in
the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't
understand..."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says, "for just two people,
does it pay to cook?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fight broke
out between a couple redneck locals and a lone
biker at closing time in the
local watering hole. After easily
laying out the drunken hillbillies the
biker heard someone behind
him! So he swung around and landed a devastating
kick to the
groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking
up
empty glasses.
When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you
the woman
alleging she was kicked in the altercation?"
To which she
answered, "I ain't never had no alteration!
These is all my 'riginal
parts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHE MUST of BEEN BLONDE
Harry, a TV
repairman, was called to fix a television set
that had neither sound nor
picture. Left alone in the room,
Harry spotted the cause immediately: the
set was unplugged.
Harry faced a dilemma: one part of him said he shouldn't
charge the woman; the other insisted he be paid for his time.
Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service bill,
which
read: "Restored isolated connecting cable to primary
power source. $25."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new recruit was sitting idly in the barrack room. A
passing
officer saw him and barked : "You're no longer a civilian. What
was your job before you were called up?"
"I ran a shop, sir", the recruit
replied.
"Did you employ people?"
"Yes, sir, twenty."
"What would you
have done if you had caught them doing nothing?"
"I would have sacked them
immediately", the soldier said
hopefully.
~~~~~~~~
Poverty - It was
one of those proper mid-western colleges. All
they gave their basketball
players was room and board, plus
$2,700.00 a week towards their
books.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve
drinking at the local tavern. He
knew he had a long walk home, so though he
was a wee tipsy, he
recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery. Paddy
staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a
hole
dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he
hit bottom. Upon
awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and
realized where he was-- and
promptly shouted
"Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day--
and I'm
the first one up!"
**** A VISIT TO DOC TAZ ****
A pharmacist is going
over the directions on a prescription bottle
with an elderly patient. "Be
sure not to take this more often than
every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.
"Don't worry," replies the
patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid
off".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lady says to her pharmacist:
"Why does my prescription medication
have 40 side effects?"
Pharmacist
replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so
far."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Max, 8, was talking about his
first experience with
snowboarding. He commented that on the last run
he
fell backwards and hit his head pretty hard and
said, "And then you guys
were asking me questions
to see if I had
Indonesia".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Already the Mother of two rambunctious
boys, the husband was
thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to
have twins
this time. Doc told the wife that she should start thinking of
names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and
Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff
?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's
ressypees e-zine
We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular
recipe,
send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca
**** Reader's Submissions
****
PRIDE
The average age of the Infantryman is 19 years.
He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal
circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind
the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country.
He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than
wash his father's; but he has never collected unemployment either.
He's a
recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some
form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady
girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting
when he returns from half a world away. He listens to rock and roll or hip hop
or rap or jazz or swing and 155mm Howitzers. He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now
than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to
well after dusk.
He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for
him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less-in
the dark. He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade
launcher and use either one effectively if he must. He digs foxholes and
latrines and can apply first aid like a professional. He can march until he is
told to stop or stop until he is told to march. He obeys orders instantly and
without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity.
He
is self-sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the
other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry. He sometimes forgets to
brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle. He can cook his own meals, mend
his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If you're thirsty, he'll share his water
with you; if you are hungry, his food. He'll even split his ammunition with you
in the midst of battle when you run low. He has learned to use his hands like
weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take
it, because that is his job.
He will often do twice the work of a civilian,
draw half the pay and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more
suffering and death than he should have in his short lifetime. He has stood atop
mountains of dead bodies, and helped to create them. He has wept in public and
in private, for friends who have fallen in combat and is unashamed. He feels
every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid
attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away' those around him
who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd
twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be
disrespectful.
Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather,
he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is
the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years. He
has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.
Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and
admiration with his blood.
With the above in mind....check this
out:
You have received a website referral telling you about the
'Say Hi To A GI' website located at http://www.SayHiToAGI.com
Say Hi To A GI gives
you the unique opportunity to post your own messages for our soldiers to read
from anywhere in the world. You can also read and reply to other messages posted
by caring people just like you, and view the reply messages from our troops.
Each time you come by and post a message, you help further the notion of
appreciation - letting them know that we care about our country's
protectors.
So come by www.SayHiToAGI.com today, and post your thoughts,
feelings, words of wisdom and poetry to keep the spirit alive, and remind our
friends and family in the United States Armed Forces that they are not alone,
and they are not unappreciated
~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Word Of The Week!
INJUN (noun). A
machine that converts energy into mechanical force.
Usage: "Man, that truck
sure has a big injun."
**** TODAYS LINKS
****
About Owls
All About Birds
Bald Eagle Info.
Gambia bird stamps
Game - Same Game
Can you remove all of the blocks that are the same?

**** ON THIS DAY
****
What makes stars twinkle?
You know that when you dip a stick
in the water, it looks
strangely bent. That's "refraction", the tendency of
light to
change direction when it moves from one medium (such as air) to
another (such as water). The same principle makes stars do the
magical
thing they do. As light travels from the star toward your
eye, it passes
through the turbulent upper atmosphere. Up there,
rivers of air flow in all
directions, constantly changing in
temperature and density and therefore
refracting light
differently. Starlight gets jiggled through all this chaos.
Your
eye registers the motion as twinkling. At the same time,
interference patterns make the light grow rapidly brighter and
darker,
and the changes of refraction that cause twinkling also
cause a steady
stream of variations in the star's color. If there
were no atmosphere, the
stars would burn bright and steady:
pretty, but not especially poetic.
But why, you might ask, don't "planets" twinkle? Stars are so far
away that to us they're mere point sources of light; that is,
there's
just one path for the light to follow from, say, Alpha
Centauri to your eye,
so the slightest distortion
will make it appear to twinkle. Not so the
visible planets,
which, even though they send us only reflected light, are
much
closer and occupy more space in the sky. Light from East Venus
will
follow a slightly different path to your eyeball than light
from West Venus.
There might be some twinkle on each separate
path, but when you put them all
together, your eye averages
things out and you get a nice sober
glow.
~source used: "Why Moths Hate Thomas Edison"
by Hampton
Sides

**** HEADS UP FOLKS
****
These Are My Causes Please
Help
This is a link for
FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is excellent. I use it
myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An
American Heart Association web site on physical activity for women
and men. Features include health facts, practical
tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event
calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Organ and Tissue
Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
It takes less than a
minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram"
for free
(pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their
corporate
sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate
mammogram
in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to
people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
&
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to
click on it daily to meet their quota
of getting free food donated
every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to
go
to their site and click on "feed an animal in need"
for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their
corporate
sponsors/advertisers
use the number of daily visits to donate food to
abandoned/neglected animals in exchange
for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it
along to people you
know!
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
reason men lie is because women
ask so many
questions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This
is a link for FREE virus protection
http://avast.com
It is
excellent
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts or Comments
jokes or stories
U
Send'em and I'll print'em
Just keep it clean.A lota kids read
this
jim4615@joink.com
subject Line--- The Funnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-4-
Leroy Van Dyke born
Spring Fork, MO 1929.
Lloyd Green, steel
guitarist/ session musician, born Mobile, AL
1937.
First Lady Eleanor
Roosevelt, lectured from the stage of the Ryman Auditorium, on behalf of the
Nashville Girl Scouts, in
1938.
Larry Collins
"Collins Kids," born Tulsa, OK
1944.
Greg Hubbard,
"Sawyer Brown," born Orlando, FL
1960.
Johnny Cash
arrested in El Paso, Texas, bringing drugs across the border
1965.
Capitol Records
released "The Best Of Buck Owens, Vol. 4" 1971.
Esther "Violet"
Koehler, age 57, "Coon Creek Girls," died
1973.
Tom T. Hall
recorded "Subdivision Blues" 1973.
Billy Jean Campbell
filed for divorce from Glen Campbell
1975.
Willie Nelson had
his first #1 record "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain,"
1975.
Tammy Wynette
reported to police, that she had been kidnapped at a Nashville Mall in
1978. Years later, she admitted that the story was not
true.
Alabama appeared on
Dick Clark's "American Bandstand"
1980.
Capitol Records
released Buck Owens' album "Act Naturally" 1989.
Diamond Rio debuted
on the Grand Ole Opry
1991.
Danny Gatton,
guitar virtuoso, died in Newburg, MD 1994, the result of a self-inflicted
gunshot wound.
Jerry Rivers,
fiddler for Hank Williams' Drifting Cowboys, died
1996.
A. L. "Doodle"
Owens, songwriter, died 1999. Inducted NSHF
1999.
The 2000 CMA
Award Show was presented in
Nashville.
Charlie Pride and
Faron Young inducted CMHF
2000.
GAC "The Great
American Country" Network broadcast their first Grand Ole Opry show, after CMT
"Country Music Television" and the Grand Ole Opry, could not come to terms in
2003.
Ernie Lynn, age 50,
son of Loretta, injured in a car wreck, near Loretta's Tennessee ranch, in
2003. A passenger in Ernie's car was killed in the
accident.
George Hampton, driver of Toby
Keith's band bus, was shot while driving the vehicle through Carrollton, Texas
in 2004. Hampton was able to stop the vehicle safely, and he was
transported to a Dallas hospital. Department of Public Safety investigators
believe the shooting was a random drive-by incident. The tour bus had no
exterior marking identifying it as Toby's
bus.

**** COUNTRY
MUSIC NEWS ****
Bill Anderson Fan Club News
Whisper
Fans:
Hope all is well with you. i have several items to pass along today
so I'll get right to it.
Whisper has made a guest appearance on Bill
Cody's GAC-TV Master Series show, which was taped at the Country Music Hall of
Fame & Museum in Nashville. The program premieres on October 7th at 11:00 am
Eastern time.
Re-runs will air: (all times Eastern)
October 10th at
10:00 am and 3:00 pm
October 15th at 8:00 pm
Bill's XM Radio show
"Bill Anderson Visits with the Legends" now has a new schedule....starting in
October.
Tuesday & Thursday....Noon (eastern)....new
episodes
Saturday & Sunday....8:00 pm (Eastern)....encore
episodes
Encore Episodes also run all day long, every Tuesday, on XMX
Channel 2.
Now speaking of XM....beginning Saturday, October 20th, our
great Grand Ole Opry will be heard on XM satellite. Hoo-ray...... XM will
feature the live Friday and Saturday night performances as well as the Tuesday
Night Opry.
The country hits channel "Nashville" (XM 11) will feature
live Tuesday, Friday and Saturday night performances. Encore broadcasts of new
Opry episodes will air on XM's classic country music channel America (XM 10) AT
10:00 AM (Eastern) every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, along with archival Opry
broadcasts.
In addition to the Grand Ole Opry, XM will also add "The
Eddie Stubbs Show" to the XM programming lineup The popular WSM program is
hosted by Eddie Stubbs, a regular announcer for the Grand Ole Opry,
award-winning country music DJ, and respected country music historian. "The
Eddie Stubbs Show" will premiere later this fall on XM 10.
Whisper has
yet another nomination....."I'll Wait For You", co-written by our Bill, recorded
by Joe Nichols, is nominated for Song of the Year and Video of The Year from the
Christian Country Music Association.
As most of you know, Hairl Hensley,
retired Grand Ole Opry announcer and WSM Personality, had a heart attack and
consequently had triple bypass surgery. Hairl has had a rough journey, however
is now out of Intensive Care and is continuing to recover. Your thoughts and
prayers are most gratefully appreciated and we ask that you continue to lift
Hairl up in prayer. If you'd care to send Hairl a get-well card, you can send it
to:
Hairl Hensley
P.O. Box 8112
Hermitage, TN 37076
Well, it
appears that I've written a book so it's time to stop bending your ear and get
on with my work today.
Take care and stay well.
"Still" for Bill
and
"Always Remember"
Jean
Faith Hill's Hits
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Faith
Hill's new album "The Hits" is now available. The CD features ten number-one
songs, as well as her new single "Red Umbrella." Faith says all the songs on the
album are original versions. She appears on ABC's "Good Morning America" and
"The View" today. On Wednesday, she'll be the only guest on "The Martha Stewart
Show." The show is slated to air on October 8th. Hill wraps up her stay in New
York with an appearance on "The Late Show with David
Letterman."
Brooks & Dunn's "Cowboy
Town"
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Brooks and Dunn's new CD "Cowboy Town" is
in stores today. Ronnie Dunn says he and Kix Brooks wrote 34 songs for the album
but the title track turned out to be the last song they wrote. Brooks says they
don't like to get "caught up" in just writing three singles an album. They want
every song on the album to be just as a good as the single. The debut single
"Proud of the House We Built" is a top five hit. The duo is going to be
performing on NBC's "Today Show" this Thursday and "Live with Regis and Kelly"
on Friday. Brooks and Dunn are the most-awarded act in CMA history, with 19
trophies. They are up for another Vocal Duo award this
year.
Merle Haggard's Bluegrass Cd
NASHVILLE,
Tenn.
Merle Haggard's first bluegrass album is out today. It's called "The
Bluegrass Sessions." Haggard recorded the album at Ricky Skaggs' Tennessee
studio. Marty Stuart played guitar and mandolin on the CD. The CD includes
Haggard songs and it also features a duet with Alison Krauss on the song "Mama's
Hungry Eyes."
Trisha Yearwood's Video Is A Big
Hit
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Trisha Yearwood's video for "Heaven,
Heartache And The Power Of Love" is already a Top Ten video on CMT. Yearwood
says they filmed the video in 100-plus degree weather north of Nashville. She
says the good news is that she got to refresh herself in an air conditioned
trailer between takes. Trisha's new CD "Heaven, Heartache And The Power Of Love"
hits stores November 13th.
Lyle Lovett To Perform And Receive
Special Award
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Lyle Lovett is going to receive
the Americana Music Association's inaugural Trailblazer Award in Nashville on
November 1st. He'll also perform at the organization's 2007 Honors and Awards
show at the Ryman Auditorium. Other performers include Emmylou Harris, Ricky
Skaggs and Bruce Hornsby.
Garth restricts concert
ticket sales to area states
Wednesday, October 3, 2007 – Tickets will go on sale Saturday for
Garth Brooks' Nov. 14 concert in Kansas City, but the Ticketmaster web site made
it clear that this is a restricted concert - you have to live in Missouri,
Kansas or portions of Iowa, Nebraska and Oklahoma to be able to attend.
Residency will be based on credit card billing address, according to
Ticketmaster. Orders by residents outside specified areas will be cancelled
without notice and refunds given.
In the event that "exceptional ticket
demand warrants the scheduling of additional Kansas City concert performances,
additional regions and states will be opened for ticket sales," Ticketmaster
said.
Tickets will not be mailed before Oct. 11. All seats at the new Sprint
Center are $27.50.

**** Amy's Kitchen
****
Almost Kentucky Fried
Chicken
Recipe By :
Serving Size : 4 Preparation Time
:0:00
3 Pounds Chicken
2 Packages Italian salad dressing
mix
3
Tablespoons Flour
2 Teaspoons Salt
1/4 Cup Lemon juice
1 Cup Milk
1
1/2 Cups Pancake mix
1 Teaspoon Paprika
1/2 Teaspoon Sage
1/4 Teaspoon
Pepper
Make a paste out of the marinade ingredients. Coat chicken
evenly.
Stack chicken pieces in a bowl. Cover and refrigerate overnight or
at
least for several hours.
Mix pancake mix with other seasonings.
Dip
pieces of chicken in milk, then in pancake coating. Dust off excess.
Lightly
brown in skillet with 1/2 inch vegtable oil in it. Brown for 4
minutes each
side.
Remove and place in a single layer on shallow baking pan. Seal
with
flour.
Bake for 1 hour at 350 Uncover and baste again with
milk.
Return, uncovered, to oven heated to 400, to crisp for 10
minutes.
PHILLY Cheesy Pizza Dip
Prep Time: 10
min
Total Time: 12 min
Makes: 2 cups dip or 16 servings, 2 Tbsp. dip and 5
crackers each
~ 1 pkg. (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened
~ 1/2 cup pizza sauce
~ 1/2 cup KRAFT Shredded
Mozzarella Cheese
~ 2 Tbsp. KRAFT 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese
~ 2 Tbsp. each: chopped red and green peppers (I SUBSTIUTE
CHOPPED
OLIVES)
~ 1 tsp. Italian seasoning RITZ Crackers
SPREAD cream cheese onto bottom of microwaveable 9-inch pie plate.
Cover
with pizza sauce; top with all remaining ingredients except
crackers.
MICROWAVE on HIGH 2 min. or until heated through. SERVE with
the
crackers.
How to Soften Cream Cheese
Place completely
unwrapped package of cream cheese in microwaveable
9-inch pie plate.
Microwave on HIGH 15 sec. or just until softened.
Spread onto bottom of pie
plate, then continue as directed.
Serving Suggestion
Serve with
assorted cut-up fresh vegetable dippers in addition to
the
crackers.
NUTRITION INFORMATION
Nutrition (per serving)Calories
150
****
TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****
"The Wizard of Oz":
During his
life L. Frank Baum wrote fourteen books about Oz.
According to Baum family
legend, it all began when L. Frank Baum
was telling neighborhood children a
fairytale full of wonderful
characters he had created. One little girl said,
"Oh, please, Mr.
Baum, where did they live?" While thinking, Baum glanced
around
the room and saw a filing cabinet. The top drawer was labeled
A-N, the bottom drawer was labeled O-Z. He turned to the little
girl and
said, "They all lived in the land of Oz."
"The Wizard of Oz" was a
Broadway musical 37 years before the MGM
film version was made. It had 293
performances and then went on a
tour that lasted 9 years. L. Frank Baum's
most famous book had
four different titles ("The Emerald City", "From Kansas
to
Fairyland", "The Fairyland of Oz", and "The Land of Oz") before
it
became "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz".
Australians refer to their country
as Oz. They abbreviate
Australia as "Aus," which is pronounced "ahs" or
"oz." Hence the
nickname. Five pairs of Dorothy's ruby slippers were made
for the
film. Over 5 million people a year view a pair on display at the
Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. Another pair sold for
$165,000 at an auction in 1988.
Although written almost a century
ago, "The Wonderful Wizard of
Oz" is still being published and can be
purchased today in most
bookstores.
~source used "Do Fish Drink
Water?"
by Bill McLain
****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
You have the capacity to learn
from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot
today.
LAST CALL Y'ALL

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
In God I
trust. All others we polygraph
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