|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
| << October09, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
October10, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
|
Anything above
this line may be spam;beyond my control The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM  From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's way of
taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything. Welcome New Subscribers God, grant me the Senility to
forget the people
TUESDAY OCTOBER 9,2007
My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter
to the home-improvement
store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, "But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum
back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mrs. Jamison kept her sense of humor while she was in the hospital for a very serious condition. She could only be fed intravenously, which isn't very pleasant at all. She asked the Nurse if she could have a couple of extra bottles this one day. The Nurse asked her Whatever for?" She kinda giggled and said, "I'm having people over for lunch." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth. ~~~~~~ Monica's daughter's friend was having a baby. The whole family was invited to the baby shower. Her 6-year-old nephew asked if there was a baby in her tummy. She said yes. Then he asked, "Want me to help you get it out?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Four-year-old Natalie was in the garage with her daddy when she suddenly piped up with: "Why is there Red Sox all over this house?" Her daddy explained he loves the Boston Red Sox baseball team. She looked to his feet and said, "If you like Red Sox, why are you wearing white socks?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WAR 1. What is the Iraqi air force motto? I came, I saw, Iran. 2. Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program? Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there. 3. What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? Two days. 4. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have Kurds in their way. 5. What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign ambassador. 6. Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off. 7. How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52 ... F-16 ... 8. What is Iraq's national bird? Duck. 9. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from! 10. Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their air force. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool. After a pause, the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife? John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again. Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her. John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes. One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close. When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long. He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." 
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Shirley's ressypees e-zine We do take requests!! If you are looking for any particular recipe, send your request to: mailto:bigguyhereagain@cogeco.ca SUBSCRIBE RessyPees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Bet Ya' Didn't
Know:
Which medium do kids ages 8-17 favor
most?
Internet: Boys - 38% Girls - 28% TV: Boys - 34% Girls - 17% Phone: Boys - 12% Girls - 31% Radio: Boys - 12% Girls - 17% The peanut: Is it a pea or a nut? The peanut is a legume. It bears fruit in the form of pods that contain one or more seeds. The peanut is more closely related to peas than to nuts. Georgia produces more peanuts than any other U.S. state- -about 40% of the nation's annual crop. However, Asia and Africa produce about 90% of the world's peanuts. Top growers include China, India, Indonesia, and Nigeria. Peanut butter is nutritious, although quite high in calories. Nuts and peanuts are packed with fiber, vitamins, and minerals. Their monounsaturated fat fights heart disease. Industry sources say 60% of consumers prefer creamy over crunchy. Women and kids opt for creamy; men go for the crunchy stuff. The original Uncle Ben was a black
rice farmer known to rice
millers in and around Houston in the 1940s for consistently delivering the highest quality rice for milling. Uncle Ben harvested his rice with such care that he purportedly received several honors for full-kernel yields and quality. Legend holds that other rice growers proudly claimed their rice was "as good as Uncle Ben's." Unfortunately, further details of Uncle Ben's life (including his last name) were lost to history. Golf was invented in Scotland on October 3, 1100 at 11:15 AM. The very first golf joke was created at 1:30 PM the same day. A cicada can chirp so loud you can hear it from half a mile away. In 1457, King James II of Scotland banned golf because its popularity threatened the practice of archery for national defense. And even today, husbands still suffer the slings and arrows of wives who don't quite get the essence of golf. Early in his career, William
F. Buckley, Jr. was employed as a Spanish teacher at Yale. The cat was the symbol of liberty in ancient Rome. If a person is "aerophobic," they have an irrational fear of drafts. It takes 100,000 years for a red giant to change into a white dwarf. By astronomical standards, this is practically instantaneous, a mere one-thousandth of the star's life. The Colosseum received its name not for its size, but for a colossal statue of Nero that stood close by, placed there after the destruction of his palace.  &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You can join The Funnies IT'S FREE To subscribe, Click on link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& **** Reader's Submissions
****  **** TODAYS LINKS ****
Spiders At
Work
http://seattletimes More Spiders http://www.whatstha Shaker Museum http://www.thesalta A site that lets you find
out the value of some
of your things. Feel like slapping
someone?
Click link below ... when web pages opens, move your mouse around and quickly side to side! http://www.counterfeitmini.com/main.swf Game Sliding Picture
Puzzle
Move the picture pieces around
on these difficult photos.
and men. Features include health facts, practical
tips, fitness news, a
personal trainer, user forums and event
calendar.
http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3040778
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com & The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "feed an animal in need" for free! This doesn't cost you a thing! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUESTION: How does one meet new people at the golf club? ANSWER: Just pick up the wrong ball. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a link for FREE virus protection http://avast.com It is excellent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pun of the Day:
The display of still-life art was not at all
moving! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -9- Gobel Reeves "The Texas Drifter," born Sherman, TX 1899. Dennis "Boots" Woodall, songwriter/guitarist, founder of the "Radio Wranglers," born Paulding County, GA 1921. The "Renfro Valley Barn Dance," debuted on WLW in Renfro Valley, KY 1937. Bill Monroe debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 1938. The Musicians Union strike, which began August 1, 1942, ended in 1943. The Record companies began recording again after one year of silence. Elvis Presley debuted on the Louisiana Hayride 1954. Buck Owens recorded "Second Fiddle" at Capitol Studios, Hollywood 1958. This single became Buck's first chart record in the spring of 1959. Jimmy Dean's #1 hit "Big Bad John" debuted on the charts 1961. Gary Bennett, "BR5-49," born Las Vegas, NV 1964. Little Jimmy Dickens' "May the Bird of Paradise Fly up Your Nose," charted 1965. Chick Hurt, age 56, "The Prarie Ramblers," died 1967. Elvis Presley and Priscilla were divorced 1973. The 1978 CMA Awards Show was presented in Nashville. Louis Marshall "Grandpa" Jones inducted CMHF 1978. Dolly Parton named "Entertainer of the Year," at the 1978 CMA Awards. Hank Thompson, Cliffe Stone, and Jack Stapp, inducted CMHF 1989. The Highwaymen kicked off their second tour 1990. Joe Lubin, age 84, songwriter, died 2001. Smoky Dacus, age 90, "Texas Playboys," died 2001. Keith Urban's single "Days Go By" topped the charts 2004.
Garth Brooks sells out nine shows What started as a lone concert to celebrate the release of a greatest hits package will turn into nine shows for Garth Brooks. Brooks' wife, Trisha Yearwood, will open the shows. She has a new disc coming out in November. Tickets for a Nov. 14 date in Kansas City went on sale Saturday, and Brooks kept adding shows until reaching the maximum of nine. He could not add more concerts because of his schedule. The brand new venue holds about 18,000 people, but it was unclear how many tickets were sold. Brooks now will give concerts starting Nov. 5. The shows continue through Nov. 14, with no show on Nov. 13. At first, the shows were also being done to thank Wal-Mart for their ties to each other and extra tickets were being sold to fans in a five-state area. "The Ultimate Hits," which contains four new songs comes out Nov. 6 via Brooks' label, Pearl, and Big Machine.
Friday, October 5, 2007 – An expanded version of Taylor Swift's hit debut will hit stores with three new tracks and a DVD Nov. 6 as "Taylor Swift Limited Deluxe Edition." The debut was released in 2006 and went platinum with hit singles "Tim McGraw" and "Teardrops on My Guitar." The new release, also on Big
Machine Records, includes on CD: DVD Swift spent eight straight weeks at number one on Billboard's Country Albums Chart earlier this year. She is nominated for this year's CMA Horizon Award.
Diabetic Delight... Barbeque Meatloaf Source: dLife 1 pound 92% Lean Ground Beef or 96% Lean Ground Round 1/2 small onion, finely chopped 1 cup plain dried breadcrumbs 1 egg, lightly beaten 1/3 cup barbecue sauce Vegetable cooking spray 1/4 cup barbecue sauce 1. Mix the beef, onion, breadcrumbs, egg, and 1/3 cup barbecue sauce in a large bowl. Shape the mixture into a loaf. Wrap it in cooking-spray-coated aluminum foil and chill for 15 minutes in the freezer. 2. Preheat the grill. 3. Poke holes on both sides of the foil using a fork. Grill the meatloaf in the foil package, covered, over medium-high heat for 10-15 minutes per side. The internal temperature should be 155F when the meatloaf is removed. 4. Open the foil and spoon 1/4 cup barbecue sauce over the meatloaf. Cover again with aluminum foil 5-10 minutes in order to heat through. Serve immediately. This recipe can be easily translated into a meatball recipe. Nutritional Information: Per Serving-- Calories: 225 Carbohydrates: 20.2g Protein: 18g Fat: 7.9g Saturated Fat: 2.3g Cholesterol: 75mg Fiber: 1g Sodium: 527mg
Why does popcorn pop?
Disclaimer :
All of my
materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web
and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold
copyright on any of these materials
please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it
which ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Miss getting The Funnies,or is your ISP blocking mail again? No problem To Read the Funnies on line. Just click on this link Archives Index: http://archives.zinester.com/25438 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Unsubscription Email: 25438-unsubscribe@zinester.com Unsubscription URL: http://www.zinester.com/mpb/unsub.cgi?25438 |
|
| << October09, 2007 - The Daily Funnies |
October10, 2007 - The Daily Funnies >> |
|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
|
Archives powered by Zinester's Mailing List Service
Details on The Funnies |
Browse for more newsletters at Zinester's Ezine Directory
Managed by Zinester's Mailing List Management |
