I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

TGIF
FRIDAY  OCTOBER 26,2007
Just see what you're missing

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:I've learned that wherever I go,
the world's worst drivers have followed me there.

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse's patoot.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner...
~~~~~~~~
There was a university in New England where the students operated a
"bank" of term papers and other homework assignments.

There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an
undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there
were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.

A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his
assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard
one he took out a paper for an inconspicious C, retyped it and
handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professor's comments
"I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it
should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.

"Why?"

"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night, and she
came looking for me."

"What'd you do?"

"I asked her for her phone number."
~~~~~~
Sign displayed in a Texas restaurant: "If your steak is too tuff,
please put your hat on and leave. This ain't no place for
whimps."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother was taking a night course at a local university. My
sister and I were about 6 and 8, respectively, so my mother
always tried to park near her class so that we wouldn't have to
walk far at night downtown. One night she was waiting for a
parking space, and a young student whipped into the space before
my mother could pull in. When my mother stepped out and said
that she had been waiting for the space, the young girl made an
obscene gesture.

My mother said, in the tone only mothers can produce, "You can
have the space, but if you leave your car, I will let all of the
air out of your tires." The co-ed looked at the security officer
who was standing on the sidewalk watching this and said, "Can she
do that?" The officer, who had witnessed the whole thing, smiled
and said, "Not while I'm on duty. But I may not be here for long."

Cursing, the co-ed pulled her car out and drove away. When my
mother got out, with my sister and me in tow, she thanked the
guard and he said, "Don't worry about your car. I'll be here for
hours."
~~~~~~~~
When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he
brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday
lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the
man's colorful arms.
     
Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the
visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
~~~~~~~~~~
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of
him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving
him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking
up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40
blocks away and try the same thing. As he was driving back into
his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the cat would
always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles
away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and
another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a
safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later,
the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the
wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that lousy cat on the phone.
I'm lost and I need directions!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to
empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother
asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
~~~~~~~~~
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top
of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we are afraid, we say that we
are cautious. When others are
afraid, we say that they are cowardly.
~~~~~~~
Sign displayed in a Texas restaurant: "If your steak is too tuff,
please put your hat on and leave. This ain't no place for
whimps."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Unites States government is planning a recall on all cars and
trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal
switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at
night by 90%. Apparently the 90% that they plan to cut is from
blondes, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the
steering wheel.
~~~~~~~
TEACHERS:

Teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty
lounges and have been seen grading in church.

Teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school
day.

Teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the
margins of books.

Teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up
the line.

Teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
turning their backs on the class.

Teachers are written up in medical journals for size and
elasticity of kidneys and bladders.

Teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes,
18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open
House.

Teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth
graders.

Teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask
permission.

Teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time
from their classroom to the office.

Teachers can "sense" gum.

Teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what
ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the
light of day.

Teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.

Teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's
lounge.

Teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.

Teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to
listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are
absolutely non-expendable.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had
become stuck in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the
ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three
yards --and the flock flew off! The men were left staring at open
water. Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"

The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver came in, sat down at the counter and said to the
perky lil' waitress, "Hey Baby! Where ya been all my life?"

"Out of it, thank the Lord." replied the girl.
~~~~~~~~
Watch carefully how your date treats servers and other
workers.

It's how you're going to get treated in six months.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had
been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said
"Chopsticks are provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if
you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to
wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to
hire three more people to clean up the mess."
~~~~~~~~~
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to
heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you
ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any
pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most MEN who go to
Heaven get there by a close shave."
~~~~~~~~
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at
the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our
cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was
able to locate my vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could
use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied,
"that gadget's called 'my husband.'"
~~~~~~~~
Movies will reach a new high in realism
when the detective following a suspect
can't find a place to park his car.
~~~~~~~~
Grandma Levy, always a regular synagogue member had
finally talked her cousin, a woman who had lived a
riotous, free life, into joining the Temple.

"Tell me Rabbi," the old lady asked, "Do you feel that
my cousin will have her sins forgiven after all those
years?"

"Yes I do. I'm positive of it. You must remember
that the greater the number of sins, the greater the
glory."

"Really Rabbi?" the old lady replied thoughtfully.
"I sure do wish I'd known that fifty years ago."
~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish gangster escapes from a shootout with the
police and staggers in to his mothers apartment on the
lower East Side. Near death and with a gaping wound
in his chest, he gasps, "Ma, I have been shot."

"Oy. Eat first," his mother says, "Later, we will
talk."
~~~~~~~~~
Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught
recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture
you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed
10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful
lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vacation is that time of year when you get away from
the trials and tribulations of the office and enjoy
some trials and tribulations with your own family.

Vacation is a time to get away and forget about
everything. I know my kids always forget to go to the
bathroom before we leave.

I find after most of my vacations that the boss is
glad to have me back, almost as glad as the family is
to send me back.

Vacation is two weeks during which you get away from
it all. Then you come back to find that "it all" is
just waiting patiently on your desk.

It's amazing how you can come back from a two-week
vacation and find six-weeks' worth of work on your desk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Links:

Bear Rescue:an amazing Bear Rescue from a bridge
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/bearrescue.html

 

YouTube Squirrel video

 http://vooba.com/entry/17034/squirrels-obstacle-course/

  

Famous poets and poems

http://www.famouspoetsandpoems.com/

 

Internet Public Library

http://www.ipl.org/

 

Light Bulb- A Kinetic Sculpture
http://bea.st/sight/lightbulb/

 

Game Hangroo

Try to save the smart mouthed Kangaroo by guessing the phrases!
http://www.gamescraze.com/games/?g=hangaroo.swf

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why are playing cards made up of hearts,
spades, clubs, and diamonds?

Although playing cards originated in China many centuries ago, in
their present form they go back only to fourteenth-century
France. It has been suggested that the four standard suits
represent the four major classes of fourteenth-century French
society. Hearts (shaped like a shield) represent the nobility and
the church, spades (shaped like a spear tip) represent the
military, clubs (shaped like clover) represent the rural peasant,
and diamonds (shaped like the tiles associated with merchants'
shops) represent the middle class.

~source used: "Ever Wonder Why?"
by Douglas B. Smith


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
I like long walks, especially when they
are taken by people who annoy me.

LAST CALL Y'ALL
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the
age of 80 and gradually approach 18."
Mark Twain
SEE YA HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
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