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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Country Hall of Famer Porter Wagoner dies at 80
For 50 years, Porter Wagoner starred on the Grand Ole Opry, wearing
otherworldly suits and singing about salt-of-the-earth concerns.
See "Country Musis News" for details
Although I knew the results were inevitable,I didn't think it would be so
soon.
I thank God for a Quick and peaceful passing........ Jim
MONDAY OCTOBER 29,2007
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Marriage means not only another mouth
to feed, but often a great big one to listen to.
One spring morning, a blonde was excited to try out her new boat.
She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through
water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly,
she decided to seek professional help. She putted the boat
over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her
problem.
The workers determined that everything from the engine to
the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat.
So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water
to check underneath the boat for problems.
Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water
and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was
the trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~
To My Wife Cathy
The Rules for Women -- This Time By Men
These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us crying about
you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1.
Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably
are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We
are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no
idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind
reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're
saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.
~~~~~~~~~~
A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her
mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you Mommy!" she
announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform,"
went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?"
The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work."
The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?"
The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child
was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out
the white plastic insert and showed it to the child, telling him that it
was also part of his uniform.
On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm
soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked
him, "Do you know what these words say?"
The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do."
The priest, a little taken aback, then replied, "OK then, tell me what
they say."
The little boy then replied, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six
months!"
~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an
afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the pres. yacht, the Sequoia.
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat
(zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service
guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait,
wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush then steps off the
yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's
little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and
climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the New York Times carries a story, with front page
photos, of the event. The banner headline is "Bush Can't Swim."
~~~~~~~~~
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over
his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight."
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for
I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most
every night anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve.
He came back within a day and said he had found them.
Watson: "How did you find them so quickly?"
Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson, they were the only
ones that didn't have belly buttons!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his
sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra
year. Hes-a Engineer! "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five
hunnert thousand dollar a year. He-sa Doctor! "But, I'ma da proudest a
ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports
Mechanic!" Paolo, his friend asks, "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Lorenzo
replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da
boxin matcha......."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local
tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look
at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said,
"I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other
replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in
here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon countered,
"But God won't tell my wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A radio DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for
Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte,
congratulations on a ripe old age!" There was a short pause and then the
DJ said in a somewhat more subdued voice, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong.
This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five
daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single
grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to
the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee.
Now, let's say grace." When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife
was the only other person at the table.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours
of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts,
gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock
market." "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so
drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so
improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After being laid off, I papered the town with my resum?.
Days passed, and I hadn't received a single phone call. I decided
to take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his
real estate office.
I quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the machine.
At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common
real estate disclaimer:
"The information contained herein, while deemed to be accurate,
is not guaranteed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Links:
Searching for Something
http://www.livingeachday.com/searchingforsomething_mll/
My Value In Life
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/poems/value.html
Be Still
http://www.spiritisup.com/bestillfpc.html
He Is Coming Again
http://www.journeyoflove2.com/HeIsComingAgain.html
He is Everywhere
http://www.mamarocks.com/hes_everywhere.htm
You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link below
http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
-29-
Albert E. Brumley, gospel music songwriter/publisher, born LeFlore County,
OK 1905.
Ramblin' Jimmie Dolan born Gardena, CA 1916.
Gene Autry recorded "That Silver Haired Daddy of Mine" 1931.
Hank Snow conducted his first recording session 1936.
Sonny Osborne, of the "Osborne Brothers" born Hyden, KY 1937.
Charlie Monk, music publisher, born Noma, FL 1938.
The "Sunset Valley Barn Dance," debuted on KSTP in St. Paul, MN 1940.
Lee Clayton, singer/songwriter/guitarist, born Russellville, AL 1942.
Slim Whitman left the Louisiana Hayride and joined the Grand Ole Opry 1955.
Dolly Parton's "Coat Of Many Colors," charted 1971.
Elvis recorded his last hit, "Way Down," in his Graceland Studio 1976.
Alabama debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 1982.
Fred Maddox, age 73, of "Maddox Brothers & Rose" died 1992.
Alan Jackson's single "Livin' on Love" went to #1 1994.
Epic/Legacy released Charlie Daniels three-disc box set "Roots Remain" 1996.
Patty Loveless' album "Bluegrass and White Snow: A Mountain Christmas"
released 2002.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****
Country Hall of Famer Porter Wagoner dies at 80
By PETER COOPER
For 50 years, Porter Wagoner starred on the Grand Ole Opry, wearing
otherworldly suits and singing about salt-of-the-earth concerns.
The Country Music Hall of Famer died at age 80 tonight, as dignitaries and
stars gathered at the Country Music Hall of Fame to induct its three newest
members. Mr. Wagoner was admitted to the hospital on Monday, Oct. 15 and had
been under doctors’ care since then. Mr. Wagoner was released to hospice
care on Friday, days after the announcement of a lung cancer diagnosis.
Known as “The Thin Man From West Plains,” Mr. Wagoner’s contributions to
country music are manifold and consequential. Marty Stuart, who produced
this year’s much-heralded comeback album Wagonmaster, calls him “an American
master and a cornerstone of our music.”
A hit-maker for more than a quarter-century, he was a Country Music Hall of
Famer and a three-time Grammy winner whose best-loved singles included “A
Satisfied Mind,” “Misery Loves Company” and “Green, Green Grass of Home.”
His syndicated television show allowed him to serve as an ambassador for the
genre, and it proved invaluable in spreading the fame of Wagoner’s
hand-picked “girl singer,” Dolly Parton, with whom he had hit duets
including “Just Someone I Used To Know” and “Making Plans.”
In the studio, he was an innovator who tweaked traditional country
arrangements and found fresh sounds in a genre that often tugs against
change.
He was among the pioneers of the country “concept album,” releasing
song-sets such as “What Ain’t To Be Just Might Happen” and “The Cold, Hard
Facts of Life” that offered unified themes. As a performer and producer, he
sought the beauty of harmony and the reality of dissonance.
He was a tenacious song-scavenger, listening to outside material even during
down-time at the Opry in this new millennium, hoping to find hit songs and
new ideas. And in the wake of Minnie Pearl’s 1996 death, Mr. Wagoner and
Jimmy Dickens became the public faces of the Grand Ole Opry.
Oh, yes, and there were the suits. Mr. Wagoner wasn’t the first to wear a
rhinestone suit on the Opry — Dickens has that designation — but he was
certainly a famed and ardent devotee of the power of garb.
Backstage in his dressing room, the suits were so heavy that they were hard
to hoist with one hand. They must have been hot, and burdensome to wear. But
under the lights, on the grand stage, they sparkled and dazzled. Opry
patrons would always applaud at the first sight of Wagoner, cheering him as
a vision and as a visionary as he welcomed them to the show, professed his
pleasure to be there and told a joke or two.
Clothes didn’t make the man, but they accentuated him, and Mr. Wagoner’s
stage outfits could be read like rhinestone novels, with glittering wagon
wheels and other symbols that told stories of the songs and life of this
farmer’s son from Missouri.
EARLY LIFE
Mr. Wagoner was born in the Ozark Mountains in 1927. His early childhood was
marked by the Great Depression of the 1930s, when the Wagoners worked to
keep their farm alive during a decade in which 18,000 farms foreclosed in
the Show Me State.
His older brother, Glenn Lee, taught him to play the guitar, and music
became a balm for the hard times.
Young Mr. Wagoner attended a one-room schoolhouse with no heat or water, and
in the afternoon the teenager would commandeer an oak tree stump on his
family’s property, pretend the stump was the Grand Ole Opry stage and
pretend he was introducing Roy Acuff, the King of the Hillbillies. Then he’d
leap off the stump, get back on it from the other side and pretend he WAS
Acuff, singing “Wabash Cannonball.”
A neighbor once caught this pre-rhinestone act and told the boy, “You’ll
still be plowing these mules when you’re 65.”
(Mr. Wagoner turned 65 in August of 1992, without a mule in sight.)
In 1942, brother Glenn Lee died. Mr. Wagoner quit school a few months later,
and the farm was soon sold to pay off family debts. Mr. Wagoner worked in a
service station, as a butcher and as a truck driver. He also began
performing on West Plains radio station KWPM, becoming popular enough to
encourage his dream of being a professional singer.
His first break came in 1951 when KWTO in Springfield, Mo., hired him for a
show that later became the famous Ozark Jubilee. In 1952, he recorded for
RCA Victor, and one year later Carl Smith had a No. 2 country hit with
Wagoner’s “Trademark.” Two years later, Wagoner had a Top 10 hit of his own
with “Company’s Comin’, and in 1955 he went to No. 1 with “A Satisfied
Mind.” Less than two years later, he moved to Nashville and joined the
Opry.
‘Appointment television’
In 1960, Mr. Wagoner launched The Porter Wagoner Show, a program that
brought country and gospel music into millions of homes. That show became
appointment viewing for plenty of people.
“It was the only time of the week I had with my daddy,” Stuart said. “We’d
see Porter in black and white on television, and then I got to see him in
living color, with the suit on, on the Opry.”
Mr. Wagoner’s television program featured plenty of striking musicians. Buck
Trent played an electric banjo that sounded like a steel guitar. Fiddler
Mack Magaha was a deft instrumentalist and performer, Speck Rhodes provided
comedy, and the singer known as “Pretty Miss Norma Jean” stole hearts and
shared duets.
In 1967, Norma Jean left the show, and Wagoner chose an East Tennessee
native named Dolly Parton as a replacement. Audiences were at first
resistant to Parton, who had a high voice and who tended to talk faster than
most Southern ladies, but they warmed to her in part because of the lovely
duets she recorded with Mr. Wagoner. Those recordings, coupled with the
exposure of the television show, helped launch Parton to her eventual
superstar-level success.
The television program reached plenty of viewers who were previously
unfamiliar with country music. Two of those viewers were Jerry Garcia of the
Grateful Dead and Robert Hunter, who served as the Dead’s primary lyricist.
“We (the Dead) were getting off of that psychedelic run that we were on,”
said Hunter, who watched the show each week with Garcia in Northern
California. “We had evolved from bluegrass and old-timey bands, but what we
didn’t know was country & western, or whatever it was that Dolly and Porter
were doing. So a little bit of Nashville moved into the Bay Area, and it was
like nothing I’d ever seen.”
Hunter eventually made his way backstage at the Opry, where he told that
story to Mr. Wagoner, who smiled and said, “Well, I never did hear nothing
by that Grateful Dead that I didn’t like.”
In 1972, Mr. Wagoner tried his own bit of psychedelia with the What Ain’t To
Be, Just Might Happen album. That one included “Rubber Room,” a song that
found him singing “Doom, doom, doom, zoom, room tomb … rubber room” amid
waves of reverb.
“People thought I was crazy, man,” Mr. Wagoner said in 2000. “I mean,
actually crazy. They thought I’d lost my mind.”
He hadn’t lost his mind, though. He was just trying something new, again. It
was the same thing he’d done when he used those tight, trio harmonies on “A
Satisfied Mind” in 1955, and when he used a spacey, tremolo effect on
“Heartbreak Affair” in 1960.
“Every now and then, you’ve got to rattle the cage a little,” Mr. Wagoner
told The Tennessean.
In 1974, after recording 14 Top 10 hits, winning a Grammy and three Country
Music Association duo of the year awards with Mr. Wagoner, Parton split with
him. Though Parton wrote the gentle “I Will Always Love You” about a breakup
that was both personal and professional, the parting turned contentious. In
1978, Mr. Wagoner told The Tennessean he could never trust Parton again.
Later, though, the two reunited for performances and they rekindled their
friendship. This year, on a show that celebrated his 50th year on the Opry,
Mr. Wagoner introduced Parton as “One of my best friends today,” and he wept
onstage as Parton sand “I Will Always Love You,” looking right at him.
Mr. Wagoner did not record any country hits after 1983, and talks of a
comeback album were halted after he nearly died from an aneurysm in 2006.
But he slowly returned to good health, and he and Stuart set about making an
album that highlighted his talents. Wagonmaster was released to rave
reviews, Mr. Wagoner’s legacy was reevaluated by The New York Times, No
Depression magazine and other publications, and Mr. Wagoner wound up opening
for rock band The White Stripes at Madison Square Garden.
“I’m just so grateful, and feel so good about the fact that God let me live
through that aneurysm,” Mr. Wagoner said earlier this year. “I guess I think
he had some other things that he wanted me to do.”
Mr. Wagoner’s death was announced tonight by a publicist for the Grand Ole
Opry. Mr Wagoner – who was honored on May 19 for his 50 years as an Opry
member- died at 8:25 p.m. at Alive Hospice in Nashville.
“The Grand Ole Opry family is deeply saddened by the news of the passing of
our dear friend, Porter Wagoner. His passion for the Opry and all of country
music was truly immeasurable. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family
at this difficult time,” says Pete Fisher, vice-president and general
manager of The Grand Ole Opry.
Mr. Wagoner is survived by three children, Richard, Debra and Denise.
Visitation and funeral arrangements are incomplete at this time.
Staff writer Leon Alligood contributed to this report.
After his New York show in 2007, tears came to his eyes as he recalled the
reaction.
"The young people I met backstage, some of them were 20 years old. They
wanted to get my autograph and tell me they really liked me. If only they
knew how that made me feel, like a new breath of fresh air. To have new fans
now is a tremendous thing."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LAST CALL Y'ALL
May he rest in peace
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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