Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying
the three phases of love.
They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.
~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing
farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back
on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think
you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember one time back in Indiana, when my dad was plowing some
acreage, with a two row plow, and a brace of two of the finest working
horses in the area.

My mom was looking out the back door, and watching dad, when she saw
this huge cloud of skeeters heading right for dad, and the team.

She hollered and dad heard her, and started to run. he got about half
way to the house, and turned to see those skeeters light on the team.

By this time my mom, and some neighbors got to where my dad was, and
they all started to run to the horses. By the time they got there, the
skeeters had ate both horses, and were pitching horseshoes, to see which
would get the harness.

Needless to say, they were, without a doubt, the largest, meanest and
nastiest skeeters I've ever seen.
bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In church this past Sunday, we celebrated Communion. During
the "children's sermon," the minister was talking about Communion and
what it is all about.
"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast.'
What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And
a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are
the three things we need for a happy meal?"
I turned to the guy next to me, and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a
regular soft drink?"
~~~~~~~~
SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE
* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled "Anthrax" and
"Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your
spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone
else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up
late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his
clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a
hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later,
the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than
mine."
~~~~~~~~
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her
speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However,
when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a
police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car
turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have
I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on!
I have kept up my license dues and everything!" So, she pulled over and
the police car pulled over to the side right behind hercar. She drove
her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared
for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up
to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook
her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and
knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that
your horn is stuck."
~~~~~~~~~~
Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day. His
friend John says, "Guys, I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician. I came home the other day and found wire
cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His friend Sean said, "Well I think my wife is having an affair
with the plumber. I came home the other day and found a wrench
under our bed and it wasn't mine."

Greg said, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both of his friends just stared at him.

"I'm serious!" he said. "The other day I came home and found
a jockey under our bed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage
son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he
asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic.
After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc,"
exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
~~~~~~~~~
In the old days, when young couples went off on their honeymoons by
train, the bridegroom said, "Wait here, dear, and I'll get the tickets."
So he did, but long habit would not be denied and he had not yet gotten
used to the fact that he was travelling by twos. He had bought one
round-trip ticket. He came rushing back to the bride, who looked at the
single ticket in his hand, and whose bright blue eyes promptly filled
with tears. The bridegroom looked at her with astonishment, then with
horror at his ticket, and in the blink of an eye set all straight by
saying, "Oh, darling, in all the excitement I completely forgot to buy a
ticket for myself."
~~~~~~~~~~
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day. The law
student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee." The
engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have a
beer." The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must
have diabetes."
~~~~~~~~~~
Smith and Wesson will make golf clubs. The gun manufacturer and
this game are a natural fit. This company is used to putting
products into the hands of people who really shouldn't have
them.
~~~~~
"Women on Haircuts"

Woman 1: Oh! That haircut is so cute!

Woman 2: You think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I
mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would kill for your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier. (etc...)

"Men on Haircuts"

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.
~~~~~~~~~
The blonde was complaining to one of her friends.

"It was terrible!" she said. "I had to change seats five times at
the movie last night!"

"Why? asked her friend. "Did some guy bother you?"

"Yeah," she said, "eventually!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini marts
to get myself a cup of freshly-brewed coffee. When I picked up the pot,
I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just
about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman
who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "Don't know.
Been workin' here only two weeks."
~~~~~~~~
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace
had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn,so
the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became
overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and
dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find
it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in
the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw
his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened
he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...
Are you ready for this?

Are you sure!?

Remember, YOU WERE WARNED!

He proclaimed: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the two blondes found frozen to death at the
drive-in theater?

They had gone to see "Closed For The Winter".
Did you hear about the two blondes found frozen to death at the
drive-in theater?

They had gone to see "Closed For The Winter".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughters and I had just moved into Building D in a large
apartment complex. Soon afterward, we gave a "ladies only"
lingerie-sales party for my daughters' friends. The party was
well under way when there was a knock at the door. The young man
standing there got a glimpse of attractive young women modeling
bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes widened. "A friend told me
there might be a rental in Building G," he stammered. I told him
he had the wrong address and gave him directions. A minute later
I heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man.
"Are there any vacancies in this building?" he asked.
~~~~~~~~~~
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The
problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This
is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole
erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a
shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study
and . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First
Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by
1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend of mine is an officer with the police department's
canine division. One evening, the officer was dispatched
to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the
back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol
car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the
back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging
through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My
friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he
noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After registering for his high school classes, my son burst
into the house, filled with excitement. "Dad," he announced
in one breath, "I got all the classes I wanted. But I have to
have my school supplies by tomorrow. I need a protractor
and a compass for geometry, a dictionary for English, a
dissecting kit for biology, and a car for driver's ed." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to
give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher asked Eddie, "How can you prevent diseases caused
by biting insects?"
Eddie replied, "Just don't bite any." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department
stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth
certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When I told her,
she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months
before your son's birth?" "No, I hadn't thought about it," I
responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daugher who
turned two a couple days before the same date." After she
finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said,
"Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems like overnight my daughter took her finger out of
her mouth and promptly started text messaging. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~