ROBIN WILLIAMS PLAN
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &
     present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Norieaga, Milosovitch and the rest of
     those "good ole boys." We will never "interfere" again.

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany,
      South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station   
      our troops at our borders. No sneaking through holes in the fence.

   3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give
        them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and   
        deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would
        welcome them.

    4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless
         given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in.
         If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would
         never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11
         cashiers.

     5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't
         attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

     6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This
          will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a
          temporary drilling of oil in the Alaska wilderness. The caribou will have to
          cope for a while.

      7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil.
           If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to
           sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sights
           would be enough.)   

      8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we would not    
           "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or   
            whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
            to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

      9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need       
            the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a
            good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.          

      10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can
             call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

              The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it.....or LEAVE....

              The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired,
               your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You
               want a piece of me?"
~
norm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It would be nice to see our people FED,GOOD SCHOOLS, CHEAP MEDICATIONS
& new good paying jobs on
this side of the border.......Jim
$$$$$

Sitting on a branch overlooking the parking lot, the pigeons
watched as a Jaguar pulled in below them. "What do you think?"
one bird said to the other. "Should we put a deposit on that
car?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Dianne Feinstein ripped Arnold Schwarzenegger for using assault
weapons onscreen and she accused him of setting a bad example.
That's not fair. Is Arnold or is he not the first German to play
the good guy in a Hollywood movie since World War I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman pulls up to a red light behind one other car. She notices
the driver of the car in front of her is talking on his cell phone
and appears to be shuffling through some papers on the seat beside
him.

The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice. The woman
waits, but the man still doesn't notice the light change. The
woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man
to move. The man doesn't move.
     
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at
the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns
yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn and scream curses at
the man.
     
The man hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and
accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
     
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she
misses her chance to get through the intersection.
     
As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and
looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking
policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both
hands in sight.
     
She complies, speechless at what is happening.
     
After she shuts off the engine the policeman orders her to exit
her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders
her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her
hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the
patrol car.

She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions.
    
She is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted,
photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
     
After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell and opens
the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where
the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
    
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really
sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the
car in front of you. Then I noticed the 'Choose Life' license
plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally
I assumed you had stolen the car."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation, "Listen
honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment
and really make love?"

"Over my dead body!"

"You haven't changed a bit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taco Bell will run a poll on the California governor's race by
counting food orders. Order a beef taco and it's a vote for
Arnold Schwarzenegger, a chicken taco and it's a vote for Gray
Davis. Make a Run for the Border and it's Cruz Bustamante.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
August is back to school month for many students. Elementary kids
are loaded with the three R’s. Readin’, ‘ritin’, and Ritalin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you think a fixed income is bad, just wait til you get the
repair bill!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set that
had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room, Harry
spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged. Harry faced
a dilemma: one part of him said he shouldn't charge the woman;
the other insisted he be paid for his time. Finally, he presented
her with a minimum-charge service bill, which read: "Restored
isolated connecting cable to primary power source. $25."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a tour of Virginia Beach, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit
the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A
helpless man, wearing a Clemson jersey, was struggling frantically to
free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three
men wearing Va Tech jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the
sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding
semiconscious Clemson Tiger from the water. Then using long clubs, the
three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that
there were some bitter hatred between The Va. Tech Hokies and The
Clemson Tigers but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not
true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he
doesn't know much about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or
do we need to get another one?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly for Sports Illustrated.
He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in an
F-14D Tomcat.

Now this message is for America's most famous athletes: Someday
you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your
country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have--
John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get
this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity:

Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death. Whatever you
do, do not go. I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped.
I was toast!

I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff)
King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in
Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip
(Biff) King looks like, triple it.

He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-
crippling handshake-the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other
way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly.

His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions.
("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?) Chip would
charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack
would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for
him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60
million weapon with as much thrust as weight. I was worried about
getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if
there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as
they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with
my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign-like Crash or
Sticky or Leadfoot--but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in
the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. A fighter pilot named
Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my
ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the
plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked
unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy
closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In
minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then
canopy- rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush
of my life.

Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.

It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell.
Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks
and banks.

We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity
of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased
us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea.
Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G
force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body
weight was smashing against me.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night
before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds
from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of
the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be
egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed
out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming
in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the
G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of
consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to
throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or
Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool
is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I
wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm
glad Biff does every day, and for less money per year than a
rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said
he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd
send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROANER
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other was
called Christian. Life was good, except that the prawns were constantly
being chased and threatened by sharks. Finally one day, Justin said to
Christian, "I'm tired of being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I
wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."

Just then a mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted,"
and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian swam
off, afraid of being eaten up by his old friend.

Time went by and Justin found himself bored and lonely as a shark. All
his old pals were afraid of him and swam away whenever he came near.
Then one day he was out swimming and saw the mysterious cod.

"I want to be a prawn again," said Justin. "Please change me back!" And
lo and behold, the cod changed him back to a prawn. With tears of joy in
his little eyes, Justin swam to Christian's house and knocked on the
door. "It's me, Justin, your old friend! Come out and see me!" he
shouted.

"No," said Christian. "I'll not be tricked. You're a shark and you will
eat me!"

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not! That was the old me. I've changed. I've
found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.cpmsglife.org/pres/vday.html