One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy about six or seven was standing out in front of a store window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags. A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing. They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, "Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday."
The little boy looked up at her and asked, "are you God, Ma'am?"
She smiled down at him and replied, "No son, I'm just one of His children."
The little boy then said, "I knew you had to be some relation."
~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER
10. Dogs come when you call them.
Cats take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire.
Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon.
Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you.
Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work.
Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command.
Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk.
Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever.
Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some scientists decided to conduct a test to see if dogs really become
like their owners over time.
They placed a female mathematician's dog in a room with a pile of bones
and closed the door. When they returned, the dog had arranged the bones
in a way that spelled out the square root of pi.
Then they did the same thing with a dog that belonged to a female rocket
scientist. When they came back half an hour later, they found the bones
arranged to spell out E=MC(2).
Then they brought in the dog of a male business manager. Half an hour
later, they opened the door. The bones were all over the room, and the
dog was trying to talk the other two dogs into gathering them up and
bringing them to him.
~~~~~~~~~
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not saying my mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came
as a bouquet.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A patient complained to his doctor,
"I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your
diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy,
then they'll see that I was right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his
pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had
enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very
busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to
private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase
going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr.
Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I
wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all
signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making
trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high
class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
A High-Tech Prayer
As I boot up my PC,
My modem dialing next to me,
I ask You, Lord, give me a sign--
Will I ever get online?
If you could kindly let me through,
I'll byte no more than I can chew
I'll sure the waves
Amit the next, with my mouse, my loyal pet,
And through each window I will see
The websites that are offered to me,
Resisting any chat rooms lure, I'll down load
Only what is pure
If system errors don't prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail,
If you save me from a crash,
I'll dump my games into the trash.
Just please don't take
my CD-ROM.
Thank You Lord
Godbless.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Chippewa County Fair has started. It has expanded over the years from a
three day event to a week long to accomodate all of the new events such
as stock car races, demolition derby, garden tractor pulls , and of
course a mud run. My old Oldsmobiles and Pontiac have found their way
out there for the demolition derby in the past years, although they were
never winners. More than one has still had insurance on it when it went
through the derby and I have always wanted to tow it to my adjuster and
say, " I only left it parked for a few minutes at Wal-Mart and look what
happened", but I think they would seee through the story.
Buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~
Football Comments
Written by a yankee ???
(1)   What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

(2)   What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one
room?
.........A full set of teeth.

(3)   How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........***************.

(4)   How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

(5)   How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a
girlfriend ?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? .........Because
they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's
life? .........His freshman year.

(8)   How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never
         look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? .........You
can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and
          picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked
out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also
kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to
quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have
children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt
your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband and of course he
readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they
adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she
would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was
pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if
she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went
on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same
thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they
adopted the third baby. She worked for another two months, but then
said, " I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up
after!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive
now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see
if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the
darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his
dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jim was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently
after fighting it for three hours.
Stu interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you
took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Jim replied, "Well...a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
during three hours of fighting!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of our regular patients at the counselling center had complained
of hearing voices. So the doctor gave him medication. When the man
came back for a follow-up, I asked if the prescription helped. "I don't
know," he said. "Now I'm having hallucinations."
"Well make sure to tell the doctor so he can change the medication."
"I don't know if I want to change," he joked. "Finally, I get to see
who's talking to me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man went to his doctor to see what could be done about
his constipation.
"It's terrible," he said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," he replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the
morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," he answered, "I take a newspaper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~