|
The Funnies are
strictly an opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000
"Friends are God's
way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG -
Not intended for younger readers - PG
I always know God won't give me more than I can
handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
God, grant me the Senility to
forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones
I do,
And the eyesight to tell the
difference.
THURSDAY NOVEMBER
15,2007
Never argue with a fool - people might not know
the difference.
THOUGHT FOR
TODAY: Kindness is the signature
of a loving heart.
The only people you should want to get even with are those
who have
helped you.
Our very large German shepherd was an excellent
watchdog,
devoted to our four teenagers, but suspicious of strangers.
One afternoon I had to leave the house just before the kids
got home
from school. I tied the dog up in the backyard,
locked the house and had no
qualms about leaving a note
on the front door telling the children where to
find the house
key: tied to the dog's collar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde
was trying to sell her old car, and wasn't having much luck, since the car had
250,000 miles on it.
She was telling her problem to a friend at work one
day, and the friend told her, "Well, there is something you could do to make the
car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"I don't care," the blonde replied,
"So long as I can sell the car."
"Okay, here's what you do," said the
friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine who owns a car repair shop.
Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it shouldn't be so much of a
problem to sell the car."
The blonde went to the mechanic the next night and
got the car 'fixed'.
A couple weeks later, the friend asked the blonde, "So,
did you sell your car?" "No," the blonde replied, "Why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My young niece asked, "Aunt Cathy,
What's retirement?"
Cathy answered, "Twice as much husband; with half as much
pay."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The first and only time I was on a ski slope, I
had the attention
of every person within a two-mile radius. It could have
been my
color-coordinated pants and jacket, but my husband seemed to
think it was because I was the only woman on skis carrying...
my
purse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two sons were left a large piece of
property by their father. For months
they fought over how the land should be
divided. Finally, they brought
their problem to their rabbi and asked him to
solve it. "Come back
tomorrow," said the rabbi, "and we'll talk." The next
day the sons
returned and the rabbi gave them his solution. "Toss a coin," he
said to
one of the brothers. "You call it, heads or tails," he said to
the
other. "The one who wins the toss, divides the land." "That's
no
solution," said one of the brothers. "We're right back where we
started
from." "Not so," said the rabbi. "The one who wins the toss divides
the
land; but the other gets first choice."
~~~~~~~~~
Why is it good
that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in
space, at least the women will
ask for directions.
~~~~~~~~~~~
When a
fully loaded tractor-trailer overturned near our small city, the
local
newspaper ran a photo of the rig and 48,000 pounds of lumber
strewn across
the roadway. The caption read: "How much wood can a wood
truck
chuck?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber
standing
there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.
"I didn't
call a plumber," said the lady.
"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs.
Snyder?"
The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the
lady.
"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and
tell you it's an emergency and then they move
away!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While meditating in the country, a
poet noticed a farmer looking
at him curiously.
"Ah," said the poet,
"perhaps you, too, have seen the golden-red
fingers of dawn speeding across
the eastern sky, the red-stained
sulfurous islets floating in a lake of wine
in the West, the
ragged clouds at midnight, blotting out the shuddering
moon?"
"No," replied the farmer, "not lately. I've been on the wagon for
more than a year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are very confident people. My
husband is so confident that
when he watches sports on television, he thinks
that if he
concentrates he can help his team.
If the team is in
trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room.
And if they're
really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in
case they call
him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off
one light in
the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two
more
to say, "I didn't turn it on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
"I'm shocked!"
she complained.
"This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes,
I know," said the dentist.
"But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two
other patients."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marsha was notorious for having plants and
flowers die under her care
even though she followed planting and watering
directions to the letter.
After she put three small plants struggling for
survival on her kitchen
counter, her husband passed by. He took one look at
the line-up and
said, "What's this, death row?"
~~~~~~~~~
"According to a new study, eating ice cream
increases a woman's
chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream
increases a
woman's chances of looking pregnant." -Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our guide in Africa warned us that
he had just spotted a leopard.
I told him to quit clowning around, that
leopards are spotted at
birth.
Three hundred stitches later, I
realized the magnitude of my error.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The woman in charge of
our church magazine made her appeal to the
congregation. "Please, brothers
and sisters," she said, "start your
subscriptions this month, so we can all
expire together."
~~~~~~~~~
Lively infants can make days shorter, nights
longer, love stronger, bank
accounts smaller, and the future
brighter.
~~~~~~~~
Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to
steal a
van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van
as look out and the other went into the storeroom. Fifteen minutes
went
by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The
look out
finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner.
Inside the store
the two came face to face. "Where have you been?"
demanded the worried look
out. "The boss told me to take a bath,
but I couldn't find the soap and a
towel."
~~~~~~~~~~
In conjunction with his retaliation against a coup
attempt by a
number of rebellious nobles, King George I had a huge mahogany
torture rack constructed, intending to utilize it in punishing
the
leaders of an uprising.
His advisors solved the problem of transporting
the rack to the
upcoming battle site, a precipice overlooking the valley
containing the enemy encampment, by renting forty pachyderms and
hiring
an African engineer with reputed expertise in harnessing
the huge beasts for
productive labor.
Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the
scene, the
elephants startled by nearby battle cries, stampeded, carrying
the ramp with the African on it, tumbling down the hill, rolling
over
the opposition virtually destroying it.
One of the survivors painfully
arose, crying out, "What in
creation was that?"
An anguished
companion stammered, "I'm not sure, but it looked
like . . . a rambling rack
from George's attack and an elephant
engineer.
~~~~~~~~~~
Recently a
young woman came into my father's insurance office with her
newborn twins.
Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them
apart. She gave him a
funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had
any problem. This is
Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth."
~~~~~~~~~
Different Opinions
She
says:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature
into something with which we'd like to have dinner."
He says:
"Women
are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating, and
then turn full-bodied with age until they go all
sour and vinegary and give
you a headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pregnant with my third child, and
experiencing morning sickness, I was
resting on the living-room couch...
Meanwhile, some workmen were doing
minor repairs in the house. As one walked
by, I explained, "Don't mind
me. I'm in my first trimester." "Oh," he said.
"What's your major?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a Canadian an American and an
Iraqi. Each is challenged to
go into and remain in a house for ten minutes.
The prize is
$10,000 dollars. What they don't know is that there is a skunk
in
the house...
The Canadian goes in and runs out after five seconds,
"It stinks
in there!"
The American goes in and lasts ten
seconds.
Then the Iraqi goes in and five seconds later the skunk runs
out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Links:
New News Web Site
Mrs. Claus Cookbook
Game Galaxians
down enemy alien ships.
You can join The Funnies
To
subscribe, Click on link below
http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies
published 5 x weekly.No
censorship
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/
About
FreeRice
FreeRice is a sister site of the world
poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html Poverty.comNo one
should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR
****
-15-
Lowell Blanchard, Promoter, born Palmer, IL 1910.
William Fries, a.k.a. "C. W. McCall," born Audubon, IA 1928.
Patsy Montana was hired by WQAM radio, in Miami, FL 1950.
Hank Snow released "A Fool Such As I" 1952.
Elvis' first movie, "Love Me Tender" premiered in New York City
in 1956. Elvis made a total of thirty-three movies.
Bobby Helms recorded "Fraulein," 1956, and it remained on the
charts for fifty-two weeks.
Jack Ingram born Houston, TX 1970.
Albert E. Brumley, age 72, gospel songwriter, died 1977.
Alabama's "Alabama Christmas" album certified gold in 1985.
Randy Travis' "Diggin' Up Bones" was #1 on the Country charts
1986.
Capitol Nashville released John Berry's album "Things Are Not
the Same" 1994.
Wynonna made her acting debut on TV's "Touched By An Angel,"
1998.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC
NEWS ****
Underwood, Keith, Brooks, McEntire,
Gill help Oklahoma celebrate centennial
Wednesday,
November 14, 2007 – An all-star who's who with names like McEntire, Brooks,
Keith, Gill and Underwood are descending on Oklahoma to celebrate their home
state's centennial this week.
Reba McEntire, Toby Keith, Garth Brooks, Vince
Gill and Carrie Underwood all will participate at the "Celebration of a Century"
in Oklahoma City, Okla. Friday night.
Blake Shelton and Gill's wife, Amy Grant, also will be
among the participants. Rock bands the All-American Rejects and the Flaming Lips
are slated to appear as well.
Sugarland performs at
American Music Awards Sunday
Wednesday, November 14, 2007 – Life
is good, real good for Sugarland, with a performance on the American Music
Awards this Sunday and huge jumps in play and sales following the duo's win in a
big upset at last week's Country Music Association awards.
Sugarland will
perform at the American Music Awards this Sunday, Nov. 18, which airs from 8-11
p.m. eastern time on ABC.
Jennifer Nettles and Kristian Bush performed
"Stay" at the CMA. That helped lead to fans checking them out on YouTube with
more than 100,000 streams of the video for "Stay," which brings the total of
overall views to more than million. "Stay" is also the number 1 country song at
iTunes with "Enjoy The Ride" album sales up 112
percent.
Brad Paisley goes home
again
Wednesday, November 14, 2007 – Brad Paisley showed you can
go home again when he ventured to Glen Dale, West Va. to tape the music video
for his current single, "Letter To Me." The song portrays what Paisley would say
to himself at age 17 if he could write a letter from today's perspective. He
reflects on what was important as a teenager and what he's learned is important
over the years.
Paisley's idea was to stage a class reunion and invite his
classmates from his 1991 John Marshall High School graduating class to
participate in the video. More than 140 classmates traveled to Glen Dale to be a
part of the filming. Current students of John Marshall were used in the video,
and the broadcasting class was utilized as production assistants and also filmed
behind the scenes footage for the director, Jim Shea and producer, Mark
Kalbfeld.
Only local Glen Dale people were used in the video
including Mrs. Brinkman, Paisley's most supportive and influential teacher;
Bridgett, his date that he claims to have run out of gas on; the policeman that
gave him his first ticket and the rest of the cast.
"Letter To Me" is currently airing on GAC and
will debut during the Top 20 Countdown on CMT this Thursday, Nov.
15.
Garth Brooks' Final
Show
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Garth Brooks and his wife, Trisha
Yearwood, are playing their final show at the Sprint Center in Kansas City
tonight. All nine shows in the Missouri city were sellouts. Tonight's final
concert will be simulcast live to more than 300 movie theaters nationwide in
association with National CineMedia's Fathom Events. Yearwood's new CD "Heaven,
Heartache and the Power of Love" came out yesterday.
Toby Keith Inducted
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Toby
Keith is a new member of the Oklahoma Hall of Fame. He was inducted during
ceremonies last week in Oklahoma City. Other members include Vince Gill, Reba
McEntire, Woody Guthrie and songwriter Jimmy Webb. Keith's "A Classic Christmas"
was the best debut for a country seasonal album this year. It's his first
holiday album in more than a decade. The project includes Keith's renditions of
holiday favorites including "White Christmas," "Silver Bells," "The Christmas
Song," "Little Drummer Boy," and "The First Noel." His last holiday album was
"Christmas To Christmas" in 1995.
George Strait's 22 More
NASHVILLE,
Tenn.
George Strait's new CD "22 More Hits" is out in stores. It's 22 of
Strait's hit singles that didn't make it to Number 1 on the country charts. Some
of the songs include "Unwound," "If You're Thinking You Want A Stranger," and
the new single "How 'Bout Them Cowgirls." Strait's album "50 Number Ones" is
multi-platinum. His "It Just Comes Natural" CD was named CMA Album of the Year
last Wednesday.
Keith Urban To Appear
On Good Morning America
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Keith Urban is going to
be on ABC's "Good Morning America" this morning from New York. He's going to
perform two songs, including his latest hit "Everybody." Urban's on the third
leg of his "Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy World Tour." His "Keith Urban
Greatest Hits: 18 Kids" CD comes out next Tuesday.
Marty Stuart And Ricky Skaggs At
Merlefest
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Marty Stuart and Ricky Skaggs are two
of the performers who'll be at MerleFest in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, next
April. The event is Doc Watson's annual Americana music festival. It's named for
Watson's son, who died in a farming accident in 1985. The four-day-long festival
began in 1988 and now attracts more than 85,000 fans, making it the largest folk
music festival in the U.S.
Dierks
Bentley Marches To Number One
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Dierks Bentley
takes the top spot on the the country singles chart this week with his hit song
"Free and Easy ." The song is off the album "Long Trip Alone," which was
nominated for CMA Album of the Year. It's his fifth career number-one single and
eighth top-10. Bentley's "Throttle Wide Open" tour with Jack Ingram stops in
Murray, Kentucky this Thursday.
"Raisin' The Bar Tour"
NASHVILLE,
Tenn.
Bucky Covington and Jason Michael Carroll are bringing their "Raisin'
the Bar" tour to the Wildhorse Saloon in Nashville this Saturday. Cole Deggs and
the Lonesome are the special guest.
Little Jimmy Dickens In The Hall
NASHVILLE,
Tenn.
Grand Ole Opry star Little Jimmy Dickens is going to be inducted into
the West Virginia Music Hall of Fame this Friday. Songwriter Billy Edd Wheeler
is also going in the Hall. His hits include Johnny and June Carter Cash's
"Jackson" and Kenny Rogers' "Coward of the County." Presenters for the induction
ceremony include Alison Krauss and Kathy Mattea.
Alabama's New Cd
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Alabama
released its new album, "Alabama: The Last Stand" exclusively through Cracker
Barrel stores and the company's Web site. The 12 song album includes previously
unreleased recordings from Alabama's 2003 farewell tour, including live versions
of "The Closer You Get," "Old Flame," "Forty Hour Week," "Feels So Right" and
"The Fans." This is the fourth country album released exclusively through
Cracker Barrel this year, following releases by Merle Haggard, Lonestar and Josh
Turner.
Taylor Swift Is On A
Roll
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
It's been an unforgettable year for Taylor
Swift. The 17 year-old walked away with the CMA Horizon Award for best newcomer
artist last week. She also won an ACM Award and a CMT Video award this year.
Swift says it's been a -- quote -- "magical" year for her. She also says country
radio gave her a big break by playing her first single, "Tim McGraw," more than
a year ago, when she was 16. Taylor is touring with Brad Paisley. They perform
in Omaha, Nebraska, tomorrow and in Rockford, Illinois, on
Friday.
Lyle Lovett Testifies On
Capitol Hill
CAPITOL HILL
Four-time Grammy winner Lyle Lovett
tells Congress musicians should be paid when their work is played on the radio.
He's urging the Senate Judiciary Committee to consider legislation requiring
commercial radio to pay royalties to performers. Songwriters already receive
such payments. The CEO of Commonwealth Broadcasting, who operates 23 radio
stations, says the existing model works because the promotional value of free
airplay drives consumers to purchase music.
Richie Mcdonald Releases New Christmas
Cd
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Richie McDonald's first solo CD, "If Everyday
Could Be Christmas," is out in stores. McDonald left Lonestar to pursue a solo
career. He wrote four of the eleven songs on the project. He was honored in 2002
with the BMI Songwriter of the Year Award for the hit "I'm Already There."
McDonald and Jim Brickman's Christmas Tour begins November 23rd and 24th in
Mesa, Arizona.
Trace Adkins To Ring
The Bell
NEW YORK
Trace Adkins is going to ring the opening bell
for NASDAQ exchange this morning. Adkins new book "A Personal Stand: Opinions
and Observations of a Free Thinking Roughneck" came out yesterday. He offers his
personal views on everything from the environment to immigration to the war on
terror. Adkins is also releasing "American Man, Greatest Hits Volume II" on
December 4th. The project features three new songs, including his current single
"I Got My Game On."
Katie Armiger In
People Magazine
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Katie Armiger is in People
Magazine's Country Special issue. The teenager is listed as one of country
music's hottest new singers. The magazine says Armiger's next single "Make Me
Believe" is highlighted as a must-have download. Her debut single was 17 In
Abilene.
Great American Country
Tv
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Faith Hill is on "GAC Nights"
tonight.
Today's Birthdays
Singer Rockie Lynne is
43.
**** Amy's Kitchen
****
Here is a recipe for Peanut butter Cookies made with SPLENDA,
and are
really good, and yes they do not contain
any flour.
1 cup peanut
butter (creamy or chunky)
1 cup SPLENDA
1 large egg
1 teaspoon baking
soda
Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease or spray baking sheets. Mix
peanut butter and SPLENDA with mixer until well combined. Beat egg into
peanut butter mixture and then add baking soda. Roll level teaspoons
of
dough and place about 1 inch apart on baking sheets. Flatten with
fork
so
they are about 1-1/2 inches in diameter. Bake cookies in the middle
of the oven
until puffed and a pale golden brown, approximately 10
minutes. Cool
on
baking sheets for 2 minutes and transfer to cooling
racks with metal
spatula. After cooled thoroughly store in air tight
container at
room
temperature up to 5 days. Approximately 2 dozen
cookies. Again this
recipe does not contain any
flour
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why do so many whales beach themselves?
Whales navigate using
sound waves in much the same way as
submarines do. They send out sound
signals of a certain frequency
and then measure how long it takes the
signals to bounce off of
the ocean floor and return. The longer it takes,
the deeper the
water. By this means whales are usually able to keep out of
shallow water.
Sometimes, however—especially around shallow sandy
bottoms—the
whale's sound signals are partly absorbed by the sand and then
bounced back and forth between the shallow bottom and the surface
of the
water. This delays the time it takes for the signal to get
back to the
whale, making the whale think that it is approaching
deep water. The whale
proceeds ahead and, to its surprise, finds
itself beached in shallow
water.
~source used: "Ever Wonder Why?"
by Douglas B.
Smith
****A PARTING
THOUGHT ****
Just be thankful
you're not getting all the government you're
paying for. --Will
Rogers
LAST CALL
Y'ALL
The Founding
Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working
on the
Constitution. It had been a long day.
Father 1: 'Whew! It's getting rather
warm in here, isn't it?'
Father2: 'Shall I open the window?'
Father1: 'No,
it's all right. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my
sleeves.'
Father2: 'Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the
Constitution?'
Father1: 'What, That we're allowed to take our jackets
off and roll up our
sleeves while at work?'
Father 2: "Yeah, but that
doesn't sound very smooth. How about, 'Everyone
shall have the right to bare
arms.'"
SEE Y'ALL
TOMORROW
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA
HEAR!
I've learned
that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm
around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER
GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out
there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies
personally.
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing
more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target
here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME
The Funnies are strictly an opt-in
service.
We do not sell, lease, loan, or
give our subscribers'
addresses to anyone for any reason.
Our
features are intended to be for entertainment
only.
Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are
believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright
on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer.
~
GOD BLESS AMERICA
~
To subscribe,
Click on a link below
Thedailyfunnies-subscribe@topica.com
~
To
unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list
click on link at the end of this
mailing
~
Regarding any problems In
accordance with the 2004
Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or
comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM
or
Jim
Dowers
P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN 47838-0521
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Unsubscribe link is at the END of this
list
God Bless
America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand
&&&&&&&&&&
THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE
Scanned by Avast
virus protection829
~
Thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com
|
|
