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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Hi
Yes, I am pretty much done with Zinester. But it never hurts to have a back up.
Yesterday's Funnies are a good example.I posted at Topica earlier in the evening and was well under the 100 kb limit, then they disappeared.I finally decided to try to post it through Zinester, just to get it out.Surprisingly it posted,so I went to bed. I checked a couple of times during the night,nothing from Topica.When I checked this a.m., I looked in the archives at Topica, there it was largely unreadable due to the failure to word wrap.It would have drove me nuts trying to read it.So I turn on the computer tonight and there it is,perfectly formatted.I am sorry about the extra issues, please just delete them.

Now another but related issue. This is my reply to another of our Topica subscribers wanting to know why I have still been posting on the Zinester site 3 days a week:

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife
Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower ?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Grumbled the new groom at dinner:
"Why can't you make bread like my mother does?"

Answered his bride,
"Why can't you make dough like my father does?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother
while her older sister was being examined by a dentist.
Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting
room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her
eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched
up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and
shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of
other patients laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot
pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. Moses said, "Well, how are we
going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are
close behind us."

The General of the Armies responded, Normally, I'd recommend that we
build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time.
. the Egyptians are too close."

The Admiral of the Navy said, "Normally, I'd recommend that we build
barges to carry us across. But time is too short."

"Does anyone have a solution?" Moses asked.
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses called on him. "You! You have a solution?"

The PR man said, "No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way
out of this one, I can get you a lot of coverage in the Old Testament."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair
of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years -and each time the package
gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed
into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974
Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from
his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother
had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore
them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't
like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the
moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and
gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the
pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and
gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the
pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale"
to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants
into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it
with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But
they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-
year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the
glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and
soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with
concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following
Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound
homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched
Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the
treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting
torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon
Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red
and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The
safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's
outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of
Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with
95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This
will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them
out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how
to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession
of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train
rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a
tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was
kneeling. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a
small voice lifted in wonder. "It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patrick was spotted driving along the highway, at a steady speed,
when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder.
He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a
large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of
lemonade, sandwiches and a cake. After eating the food and
drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish jig. The
whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got
back in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour
later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was
too much for the officers, so they decided to check him out.

"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink
and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.

"Well, sir," explained Patrick, "I'm on the company's outing."

"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.

"Yes, I know," replied Patrick. "I'm self-employed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister-in-law shrieks whenever she sees a bug. She and
my brother were out driving one day, and she started screaming,
"A bug! a bug!"
Imagining it must be the size of a tarantula, he shouted, "Where?"
"Over there," she said, pointing out the window, "It's the new
Volkswagen!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret
base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They
immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an
interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted
the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started
a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during
the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a
terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of
spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way
on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the
plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 One Thanksgiving a man was amused to discover that his mother
had purchased several items from Boston Market and planned to
pass them off as her own. When everyone sat down to eat,
he mischievously with his sister help began dropping subtle hints.
"Do we get two sides with the turkey?" he asked his mother.
"What's the policy?" "Just take what you want and pass it!"
she whispered back, prompting him to ask another question:
"Can I see your manager - 'cause I'm not sure I like your attitude."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the
instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by
the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours
of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.

"Four-seven-seven-zero?" he asked.

"Here," replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper,
though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.

"Seven-zero-seven-five?" asked the instructor.

"Here," repeated the student, gearing for trouble.

"I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier," spoke the teacher.

"That's right, sir," answered our hero. "I have a nick-number."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of
their toilet paper. The company wrote back and told him to look on page
#287. He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't
need your toilet paper."
~~~~~~~~~~
Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been
cheating on me." "That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you
have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's
infidelity?" "Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down
Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman." "Who was
this other woman?" the judge asked. "I don't know. I never saw her
before." "Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out
who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should
have gone in after them." "I would have," she explained, "but the fellow
I was with had already seen the picture."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER:   
What time do you wake up in the morning ?

STUDENT:
About an hour and a half after I arrive at school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What "PhD" Really Stands for...

* Patiently hoping for a Degree
* Piled higher and Deeper
* Professorship? hah! Dream on!
* Please hire. Desperate.
* Physiologically Deficient
* Pour him (or her) a Drink
* Philosophically Disturbed
* Probably headed for Divorce
* Pathetically hopeless Dweeb
* Probably heavily in Debt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming
down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the
priest, "Oh honey, I love your dress, but did you know your
handbag's on fire?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
HE MUST MISS HER 
"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was
given by one of our members in honor of his wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why is the National Hockey League
Championship Trophy called the Stanley Cup?

The Stanley Cup is the oldest professional sports trophy in North
America. The cup was purchased by Canada's then Governor-General,
Lord Stanley of Preston, in 1892, for $48.67. The trophy was
awarded to the top Canadian amateur hockey teams. In 1910, the
National Hockey Association obtained the Stanley Cup as its
championship trophy. The league later became the NHL and the
trophy has continued to be its top prize.

~source used: "Thoughts for the Throne"
by Don Voorhees

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much, or work too much. We
are all on the road to the grave -- but there is no reason to be in the
passing lane. Robert Orben

LAST CALL Y'ALL
If y'all want to hear LORETTA LYNN on the opry
this week, hear it on WSM 650 LIVE on your computer
http://www.wsmonline.com/
You can listen to both shows and the
Ernest Tubb's Midnite Jamboree
See ya
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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