I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

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God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

MONDAY  NOVEMBER 26,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Conscience: the sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught.

IT'S AN OLDIE, BUT IT,S  A GEM
A truck drvier was tooling down the highway when he sees a priest at the
side of the raod. Naturally, he stops to pick up the priest.

Farther down the road the truck driver notices a lawyer on the side of
the road. He aims his truck directly at the lawyer. Then he thinks,

"Oh no, I've got a priest sitting next to me in here. I can't run down
this lawyer." So, at the last second, the truck driver swerves to miss
the lawyer.

But the truck driver hears a THUMP outside of the truck. He looks in his
rearview mirror but doesn't see anything. He turns to the priest and
says,

"Sorry about that, Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the
road."

And the priest replies. . . .
       "Don't worry about it, my son, I got him with my door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just   finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she   had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go   down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of   36-C bras.   He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon   hat and went to the shop.   The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"   When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,   "Would you like two Playtex?"   He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin   fur me up in the room."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde
on his arm."Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.So the
owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an
absolutelygorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that
particular fur goes for $65,000.""No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come
by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and
the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is
outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny
in your checking account!! "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to
thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes got together on a regular basis, and they usually discussed
families or local gossip.  One day, they decided to change things a bit,
and discuss important political issues like the Middle East,
Afghanistan, North Korea, etc.
        One blonde said, "But what about Red China?"
        The other responded, "Fantastic... it looks especially good on a
white tablecloth!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one
battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their
headquarters, the French general began to question him.
        The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear
red coats?  Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for
us to shoot at?"
        In his bland English way, the major informed the general that
the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot,
the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
        That is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear
brown pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to tell the weather:
Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if
the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining
really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way,
it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably
snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have
to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad
weather. Sincerely, The CAT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the
clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God",
he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of
reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a
million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a penny." The man then
asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "In a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men were found in the wildrness by civilized cannibals. The men
were led to a grave site next to the water.

The chief told them,

"We will kill you as cowards, or we will let you die honorable deaths.
You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our
canoes."

The first man, a soldier at heart, asked for a handgun, shot himself,
and was carried off by the cannibals.

The second man, asked for a sword. A warrior at heart, he committed
'seppuku' as would a Japanese man. He, too, was carried off by the
cannibals.

The last man asked for a fork.

"A fork?" asked the chief, scratching his head at this rather unusual
request.

But it was his dying wish, so.... they handed him a fork. He then
proceeded to stab himself repeatedly all over, and yelled,

  "I hope your canoe sinks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume for
her birthday, which she was very excited about.

Her family asked the pastor over for dinner the following Sunday
afternoon. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new
gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not
interrupt at meal time.

Not able to contain her excitement anymore, and not wanting to disobey
her mother, the little girl leaned over to the pastor, who was seated
next to her during dinner, and whispered. . .

          "If you hear a little noise and smell something?

. . . . . .     it's me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show and Tell:

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class
that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Best Way To Pray:

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is
definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position
is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside
down from a telephone pole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined
the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play,
but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they
were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really
wanted to play today.

Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how
many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't
need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real
problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even.
The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt
for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in
a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high
ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match
and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still
standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you
have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage, a little
monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said,

"Boy, how I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down and
gave a little monkey yell.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down and made his noises.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes," the monkey nodded.

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to  his mouth.

"Oh, they were smoking pot?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What else, anything?"

The monkey motioned two people kissing.

"They were making out too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes," nodded the monkey.

"Now wait just a minute. You're saying your owners were drinking,
smoking and making out before they wrecked?"

"Yes!" the monkey motioned.

"And just what were you doing during all this?"


       "Driving," motioned the monkey.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother gets along very well with my husband. So much so that she often refers to us as "my kids." Very seldom does she use the term son-in-law, and more often than not she takes his side when we have a disagreement. Sometimes I feign insult and suggest that he has taken my place in her heart. But I realized that might not be so farfetched the day she introduced us to a few friends as "my son-in-law and his wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was cutting my husband's thinning hair one evening when our teenage son and daughter arrived home looking for a snack. I offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt them with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," I remarked.

"And more hair than Dad," added our daughter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A middle-aged man took his car to an auto repair shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped out.

"Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup!"

The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference here is, my bill includes the checkup, and... the replacement of worn out parts!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister and I, visiting our uncle in the hospital, had brought along a treat for him. Because we weren't sure if he was on a restricted diet, we asked at the nursing station and were told it was alright to give him the brownies.

As we turned to leave, an doctor held up his hand to stop us. "I'm here," he advised, "for quality control!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hospital where I was a  nurse added our photographs to the identification tags we wore. A consequence of this was that many of us had stopped introducing ourselves, assuming the ID tag did it for us. So when I approached the receptionist in another department one day, I simply fingered my ID tag and said, "I'm a tad early for my appointment."

She indicated I should take a seat and then announced to her boss over the intercom, "There's a Mr. Tad Early here to see you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down. Then one day I got a call from the woman who lives in the apartment next door. It just said, "Cut it out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YUK
In my class, we were doing an experiment on mold and how it grows. We were studying the effects that light and dark would have on the mold. For our concluding science project, we placed pieces of moist bread in various places in the room. Some were placed in the back corner, where it was darker, and others were placed in the front part of the room. We also put some pieces out on our back porch, in the sunlight.

Several hours later, we checked on our specimens to see how they were doing. The ones left on the back porch were nowhere to be found. We searched high and low, but the pieces of bread had simply disappeared.

We later found out that the kindergartners, out at recess, had seen this "feast" laid out before their very eyes. They decided that this was a snack made just for them, so they ate our science experiment, soggy bread, mold and all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No.... "It's my ball."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, "Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?"

"Nothing," I answered back. "Why?"

He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACHOO"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items.

Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us over.

Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matching luggage?"
YEAH, THOSE PIGGLY  WIGGLY BAGS ARE OFFICAL REDNECK CARRYONS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever noticed that when you ask how far it is to a certain place,
country folk answer you in miles and city folk answer you in minutes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband, a member of the Knights of Columbus, assisted in the organization of a reunion. After several phone calls from VIPs, I wasn't surprised when I answered the phone and a gentleman said, "This is General Paint calling." I quickly asked, "Would you like to speak to my husband, sir?"

"It doesn't matter," he said. "I'm just calling to tell you the wallpaper you ordered is in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I
n the process of updating my will, I wanted to discuss some of the personal items with my children. My 16-year-old daughter was home, so I began with her. "I have two wedding bands, so you and your sister will each have one. Then there's a string of pearls and my engagement ring. Which would you prefer?" With a lump in my throat, I watched her struggle for words. "Which," she finally asked, "would fetch the most money?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Have you any kittens going cheap?" asked a man in a pet store.

"No sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go "meow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two
hours later, he is still trying to back out of your driveway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Harry came into the office an hour late for the
third time in a week. "What's the story this time,
Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear
a good excuse for a change."

Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning,
boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station.
She got ready in ten minutes but then the drawbridge
got stuck. I swam across the river -- see? My suit's
still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's
helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here
piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss.
"No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Bumper Stickers. . .

Honk if anything falls off

Cover me I am changing lanes

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

( seen upside down on a jeep)
If you can read this, please flip me back over

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

Politicans & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I say so myself, I look pretty brawny in my Navy summer whites. And
as I stood in line at the Long Beach Naval Hospital pharmacy, I wasn't
the only one who thought so.

A young boy kept staring at my arms. Eventually, he whispered something
to his mother, who in turn, leaned over to me.

"My son wants to know," she said, "if you have a can of spinach in your
shirt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card
showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo
taken of him was not particularly good. And he wasn't at all quiet about
it.

"If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he
complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture."

"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly.

        "Then bring us a better face!"
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've never seen two greener recruits than Fred and me the day we
arrived for basic training. We were immediately assigned guard duty, and
soon after, Fred was approached by an officer.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Fred shouted.

The officer identified himself and waited for a response. And waited. .
. . .

"What's wrong. soldier, don't you remember what comes next?"

"No," Fred yelled back.

       "And you're not taking another step until I do."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALL STRUCK BY THE STUPID STICK
I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my
license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the
license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed
picture license that she was holding in her hand.
~
While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my
hair. He asked me what color.
~
Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town.
They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at
the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it
and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they
could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the
hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they haven't build that
restaurant. yet."
~
I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said,
"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm
quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy
that one, I'm always talking on mine."
~
I went into a major retail establishment and asked an
employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing
her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a
narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the
bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on
Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game.

 When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him,

"Are you by any chance going to be around the church building for
awhile?"

"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be
here all afternoon."

"Oh, Wonderful! Listen, would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming
back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game score?"

"Sure thing, Father."

Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard,

"Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago.  Since then I ain't
done nothing and. . .

 neither has Notre Dame."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees
a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching
that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has
been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One attorney to another; "I believe a man is innocent until
he runs out of money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's Links:

 

AAA's Daily Fuel Gauge Report is the most comprehensive
retail gasoline survey available. 
http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/

 

 Bird Lovers Only: May I have this dance? 
http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html

 

Do the words slim to never mean anything?

World's Highest Escalator in Osaka City, Japan

http://hitslot.com/?p=170

 Amusing Facts, Useless Facts, Strange Facts, Weird Facts
http://www.amusingfacts.com/

MASSIVE TOY RESEARCH DATABASE
http://www.drtoy.com/awards/2007_3_list.php

The Evolution Of Dance
http://www.theevolutionofdance.com/

 

Game Shell Game

Try and find where the ball is hiding.

http://www.gamescraze.com/games/?g=shellgame.swf

You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link below
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 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

About FreeRice
FreeRice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Why is Judaism based on maternal lineage?

. It's been said that Judaism is "more like a nationality than like other religions," because traditionally, a person must be born Jewish or go through a lengthy conversion process. The strictest definition of a Jew is one whose mother was Jewish.

This doctrine of matrilineal descent has been part of Judaism since at least the second century C.E. (common era), when it was codified into the Talmud, the body of religious writings that supplement the Jewish holy book of the Torah. The Talmud expands on the Torah passages of Deuteronomy 7, which oppose intermarriage by Jews. This verse states that the child of a Jewish woman and a non-Jewish man will be Jewish. Other Torah verses admonish Jewish men from taking non-Jewish wives because their children will not be Jewish.

Why and how matrilineal descent evolved is unclear. Other aspects of lineage, such as one's affiliation with the Jewish tribes, are traced through the father. And in the Hebrew Bible, paternal lineage often plays a more important role. Scholars have suggested various reasons for the use of maternal lineage in determining Jewish status.

For one, a child's mother is always known, while the father couldn't be positively identified before modern technology. Also, the Jewish people suffered a long history of oppression, during which Jewish women were sometimes raped by their oppressors. Instead of casting out the woman and the child born of the rape, the Jewish community took them in by considering the child to be Jewish.

Responding to the rise of intermarriage among American Jews, the Reform movement of Judaism took the radical step of redefining who is considered Jewish. The Central Conference of American Rabbis declared that the child of one Jewish parent, mother or father, is presumed to be Jewish. However, children of mixed Jewish parentage should establish their Jewish identity through Torah study and public, formal acts such as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This Reform position is controversial among Jews and not typically recognized in Israel today.

****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
When I was young my mind was on food, booze, and girls.
Now I never think of food.

LAST CALL Y'ALL

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Atlanta.  Then they turn
a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " " ALL DRINKS 10
CENTS !".

They look at each other, then go in.  The old bartender says in a voice
that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you,
what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck.  They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.  Again, four excellent martinis are
produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents,
please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they
can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less
than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the
bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a
dime a piece?"

"Here's my story.  I'm a retired tailor from Greenville , and I always
wanted to own a bar.  Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place.  Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor,
beer, all the same."

"Wow.  That's quite a story" says one of the men.  The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys
at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and
hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for
"HAPPY HOUR"
I recently bought a humidifier. I filled it with floor wax
and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny. 
See ya.....
Bob don't worry The Funnies will probably be around
as long as I am.
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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