I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription refilled,
and soon the symptoms of menopause--hot flashes, forgetfulness,
and irritability returned.

At the drugstore, I found myself telling the pharmacist all about
my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many
people asked you to get this refilled?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AIRPLANE:
What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets
ALIEN:
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a
child-sized creature cleaning up after itself
BABY:
1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BECAUSE:
Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest
with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
CHINA:
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK:
1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.
DATE:
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy
worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DUST RAGS:
See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR:
A place where kids store dirt.
EMPTY NEST:
See "WISHFUL THINKING."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
           MOTHERS' MAINTENANCE MANUAL

Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers
and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we
expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need a
maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care
of them at least as well as we do our automobiles. Here are some
items that might be included in such a manual.

Engine: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds
you can find. She can reach top speed from a prone position at
a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks are needed
to keep up that peak performance. Mothers need a hot bath and a
nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles,
and a live-in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

Battery: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade
items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you's"
will do very well! for a recharge.

Carburetor: When a mother's carburetor floods it should be treated
immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

Brakes: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to
a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a
rest).

Fuel: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, leftovers and
salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will
really add to her efficiency.

Chassis: Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained.
Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as necessary.
A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are also helpful. If
you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of
walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective
when done with fathers.

Tune-ups: Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the
cheapest and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic
creation and gift from God, whom we call ?MOTHER?, should last a
lifetime and give good service and constant love to those who need
her most.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut
training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across
the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question
which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the
moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message
to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA
folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message,
they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of
the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's
message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He
reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they
have come to steal your land."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message
never sunk in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He
watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as
well sweep the sidewalks."
He will be just fine when they take the casts off.
Blondie....AKA Karen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow,
something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto
the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! James and
his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious,
with the ball between his feet.

"Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?"

"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an
immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or
drop it two club lengths away."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh My
An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family is planning the
funeral. The local rabbi, they discover, is on a trip to Israel. After
many telephone calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the next town;
he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day.

After chanting the "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim" the rabbi begins
his eulogy. "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend Mr.
Goldberg, a respected citizen and honored member of the community."

Suddenly, an old man jumps up and says, "What are you talking about,
Rabbi
- this man was a gonnif, a mamzer, and would cheat his own grandmother
for fifty cents!"

The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are here to mourn the
passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg, a patron of the synagogue and
dedicated Talmudic scholar."

Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you meshuggeh, Rabbi? This man
hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzvah!"

Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to mourn the passing of
our friend Mr. Goldberg, a loving husband and dedicated father."

Once again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi; you obviously didn't
know Mr. Goldberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could and he never
had time to spend with his children!"

At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words. Finally, he says, "My
friends, have we not as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of
our neighbors? Must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own
people? Surely, there is someone in this congregation who knew Mr.
Goldberg and can say something good and kind about his life."

After 20 seconds of silence, the old man stands up again and says, "His
brother was worse!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I can't find it."
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely
clueless.

"That's women's work."
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

"Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find
the washer, and there's no milk left.

"It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

"Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

"It would take too long to explain."
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

"We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

"It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and half
clothed women.

"You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-
roop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle
identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~
During a Yiddish play being given on Second Avenue (the old center of
the Yiddish theater district), the curtain fell suddenly and the manager
stepped out before the audience in the last degree of agitation.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I am distressed to have to tell you
that the great and beloved actor, Mendel Kalb, has just had a fatal
heart attack in his dressing room and we cannot continue."

Whereupon a formidable middle-aged woman in the balcony rose and cried
out, "Quick! Give him some chicken soup."

The manager, surprised, said, "Madam, I said it was a fatal heart
attack. The great Mendel Kalb is dead."

The woman repeated, "So quick! Give him some chicken soup!"

The manager screeched in desperation, "Madam! The man is dead! What good
will chicken soup do?"

And the woman shouted back, "It couldn't hurt ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groaner
Once upon a time, there was a little bunny named Hare. He was a nice
little bunny, but he had one flaw in his personality. He could be polite
to everyone and everything, except ants. Hare just couldn't stand ants
and would stomp on them whenever he encountered them. His fairy
godmother wanted him to correct this flaw, so she appeared to him and
told him that if he didn't quit stomping ants, she was going to turn him
into a goon. Well, Hare behaved himself for several days, but then he
encountered a big colony of ants. He called for his fairy godmother to
appear and when she did, he begged her to let him stomp those ants, the
temptation was just too much for him! She told him she couldn't allow it
and for him to remember if he gave into temptation and stomped those
ants, it would be "Hare today and Goon tomorrow!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Morning
This morning when I wakened
And saw the sun above,
I softly said, "Good morning, Lord,
Bless everyone I love."
And right away I thought of you
And said a loving prayer,
That He would bless you especially,
And keep you free from care.
I thought of all the happiness
A day could hold in store,
I wished it all for you because
No one deserves it more.
~Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire long after hypothermia has set in
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~