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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

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TGIF

FRIDAY  NOVEMBER 30,2007


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:
"Your check came back." The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the mid-1950s my father completed a tour of duty at Elmendorf Air
Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska. We were stationed with him and returned
to Seattle aboard the troopship USS Funston. As troop commander, Dad was
charged with conducting daily inspections of the men's quarters, galley
and mess hall. My four-year-old brother, Stuart, tagged along one day.
As usual, the galley gleamed, floors were spotless, and the mess-hall
tables and condiment containers were aligned with military precision. My
father was about to pass the inspection when Stuart piped up, "Daddy,
look at all the gum under the table!" Dad bent down to the eye level of
a small child, and was horrified to see years' worth of petrified
chewing gum covering the bottoms of the tables. The mess hall did not
pass inspection until later that day and the troops who scraped off all
that gum could happily have thrown my little brother in the brig.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GIMME A BREAK, IT'S A HABIT
I arrived early at the office one morning and noticed that someone had
left the lid to the copy machine open. I closed the lid and settled in
for the workday. Over the next few weeks I found someone was continually
leaving the lid up. Finally I caught the guilty party, surprised that I
hadn't figured it out before. The culprit was Richard, the only male on
our staff.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my
bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a
credit card. After swiping the card through the card reader, she loudly
called out to her manager, "Mr. Calvet, what do I do if it says
REJECTED?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to
look, Mr. Calvet walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered,
wiping his hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to
embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a
tip."
~~~~~~~~~
Obvious relationship.....
Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The
word "obvious" is a case in point. A professor of physics, deriving some
profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the
board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write
the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally
long equation on the board. Then he paused. He stared hard at the two
equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..." He sat down and
began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for
five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the
verdict. Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and
said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It is obvious that the
second equation follows from the first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Truth Hurts . . .

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the
first place!
~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky
dunk".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press :
     'Ctrl Alt Delete' ...and start all over
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't fallen asleep yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what
he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can in prison?
~~~~~~~~~~~
    If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started
                with something called labor!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever


DID YOU KNOW???

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.

The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail
under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

Emus cannot walk backwards.

The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S.
Military Academy at West Point, NY.

There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps
are in the United States.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed
over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of 'F".

Camels milk does not curdle.

"Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.

The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate."
(MOdulate DEModulate)

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and
Australia have participated in every Games.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter
was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked
about how the procedure would be performed.
      "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth
open during the surgery?"
      Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone
to hold."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island
Rail Road. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally
runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed
irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.
      "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
      "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler
sarcastically.   "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed
him.
      "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
      Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine an elderly lady.

After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The
Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the
father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence
Day.
      The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone
sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, as soon as she woke up, Hannah decided that she was sick and
tired of all her husband Arnold's blonde jokes and how he thought that
all blondes were stupid. To show Arnold how wrong he was and to prove to
him that blondes really were smart, Hannah decided to decorate two rooms
while he was at work.

When Arnold returned home that evening, he immediately smelled the
distinctive aroma of wet paint. He went into the dining room and there
he found Hannah lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He couldn't help
but notice that she was wearing her fur coat on top of her ski jacket.

He went over to her and asked, "Are you OK, darling?"

She replied, "Yes, of course I am."

"So what on earth are you doing dressed like that?" he
said.

"Darling," she said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women
are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting some rooms in our house."

"But why are you wearing your fur coat over your ski jacket?" he asked.

"I was reading the directions on the paint can, "she replied, "and it
said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO FULL COATS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

About FreeRice
FreeRice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Were people really buried alive in the cement during the Bay Bridge's construction?

 Sometimes mistaken for the Golden Gate Bridge by camera toting tourists, the Bay Bridge connects San Francisco and Oakland via two discrete bridges and a tunnel through Yerba Buena Island. But do its massive concrete moorings harbor a grisly secret?

Not according to NewBayBridge.org, a promotional site for the bridge's new eastern span. Their detailed construction history refutes the urban legend. Tour boat operators are fond of telling their passengers that several construction workers were buried alive inside "Moran's Island," a concrete pier the size of the Empire State Building. It just ain't so.

But the construction of the Bay Bridge did come at a price. During the construction, 24 men died. It cost an astounding $78 million during the height of the Great Depression. It also took 18% of all the steel manufactured in the United States in 1933.

These days, the bridge is still in the news thanks to an ongoing debate over which type of design should be used for the new eastern span. It's the age old question of ugly and affordable vs. attractive and expensive. Bay Bridge category for more.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Some people are like Slinkies. not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.??

LAST CALL Y'ALL
Have a great weekend,be safe
SEE Y'ALL MONDAY
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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