I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

MONDAY  DECEMBER 3,2007
Welcome to winter

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
I did plastic surgery last week...I cut up my ex wife's
credit cards

SCARY PART 
I'm not saying I would never get married again.
I would just want to wait until everything was just right; say,
until the onset of Alzheimer's...........Jim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some minds are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a
woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her
husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first,
then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle
with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size" she said,
but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lab where I work as a civil technologist has a company van
that's used to transport our testing equipment to job sites. One
morning our supervisor came storming into the lab. Livid, he
shouted: "Someone left the company van out on the street last
night instead of putting it in the garage! And it was full of
expensive testing equipment. Not only that but the windows were
rolled down!"

There was complete silence, until a worried voice asked, "Were
the doors locked?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
While assisting the teacher in a primary classroom one day,I
could see one little girl was puzzled as to meaning of the word
jerk.
"Suppose you were driving with your mom," I said to her, "and she
had to step on the brakes all of a sudden, and you went like
this....." I pantomimed a rapid movement forward and back.
Understanding dawned in her eyes, and she said, "Oh, yes, 'cause
there's a jerk in front of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
"How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie?
We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That's obvious," the assistant states,
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were drinking in a bar one night, and decided to buy tickets in the bar's weekly raffle. They each bought a $1 ticket.
When the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. The brunette won the first prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti. The redhead won the second prize, a month's supply of gourmet spaghetti. The blonde won the booby prize, a toilet brush.
The next week they got together at the bar. The redhead asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said the brunette, "I love spaghetti, and this stuff is fabulous!"
"And how do you like your prize?" they asked the blonde.
"Not so good," the blonde replied, "I think I'm going to switch back to paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged
stork for a long time.

He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while
longer.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he
doesn't recognize me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY ARE WEDDING DRESSES WHITE?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes

to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why
are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this
shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check
this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses
white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning home from a movie, two friends and I were stopped by a
police officer. As my friend Jeff handed his licence and
registration over, he asked if he had been speeding. "You were
doing just under 70 in a 60 zone, but I'm not going to give you a
ticket," the officer said. We were puzzled when he asked Jeff to
open the trunk, and more puzzled when he asked Jeff to go around
to the back of the car with him. "I've got a burnt out
taillight," the officer stated.
"Oh, no! Not again!" Jeff exclaimed. "I just replaced one a few
weeks ago."

"No, no," the officer corrected. "I've got a burnt out taillight
on a car exactly the same as this, and I was wondering if you'd
show me how to change it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn't get the outboard motor started on my boat. I had tried
everything I could think of when the resort owner who had been
watching me came down to help. I told him everything I had
already done. He turned away and began to tinker. To my
amazement, within seconds the motor was running.
"What did you do to get it started?" I called over the noise.

"Turned the key!" he yelled back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Who?

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears.

They were just told that she could never become pregnant.

They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal.

Go to the address on this card.

The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it.

In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed,

"This is the answer to our prayers!"

Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper sticker on West Virginia Pick-up Truck:

My Wife Is An Honor Student At Jefferson Davis Junior High School
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is
that they have a common enemy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our local humane society had an overabundance of cats, and to deal
with the surplus they posted a notice: "Laptops Available. Mouse
not included."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young woman looked up from her hospital bed at the handsome
doctor and said breathlessly, "They tell me, doctor, that you're a
real lady killer."

The doctor replied huffily, "That’s a lie...the jury threw the
case out of court due to lack of evidence!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was working in a lube shop when a man brought his truck in. He
explained that his vehicle had been leaking oil and although the
problem was fixed, he wanted the oil changed anyway. After he
left, I went down into the pit to begin the job, and I saw how
the problem had been solved. A champagne cork now replaced the
drain plug.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sitting in his cab waiting for a fare, my friend's husband,
William, watched as a torrential downpour left lake-size
puddles just off the curb of the busy street. Then the back
door opened and a customer got in. As William asked
the destination, the would-be passenger exited through
the other door, successfully avoiding the puddles.
"Thanks," she said. "Chivalry isn't dead after all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 My son, Graham, is a typical teenager. He's smart but not
always motivated when it comes to school. With a big history
test on Vietnam looming, he had hardly cracked a book. "I
know he's going to blow this off," I said to my husband.
"He's more mature than that," Mike reassured me. To prove
his point, he yelled to the next room, "Hey, Graham, who's
Henry Kissinger?"
"Why?" came the reply. "Is he on our caller ID?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was late. I was tired. All the motels were full. So I called a
hotel chain. "I'm just outside Louisville," I said. "Is there any
place with a vacancy on I-64?"
"Not on 64," the woman said, checking her map, "but I've got
one just off it." "How far off?" I asked.
"About an inch."

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No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

What do birds do in a hurricane?

A number of authorities agree that birds do not get any special
storm warnings before a hurricane that allow them to avoid it.
In fact, bird-watchers find that oceanic birds often fly before
the winds of a hurricane and end up far from their tropical
homes. For example, sooty terns may be swept from Florida and the
Caribbean and deposited on Long Island. After flying for days
without feeding, the birds drop as soon as the hurricane reaches
land, often exhausted and starving.

As for land birds, all have their own territories, even in
winter, and tend to stay there, seeking any shelter they can
find, as they would in any storm. A migrating bird may turn back
to land when it hits the bad weather on the fringes of a
hurricane.

There is almost certainly an increase in mortality in a hurricane
because of exposure to heavy rains. In terms of the survival of
bird species, only late nesters would be in serious trouble. By
the time fall hurricanes arrive, most birds have completed the
raising of their young.

~source used: "The Book of Science Questions and Answers"
by C. Claiborne Ray



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
Forgetful? Not me! I don't remember ever forgetting anything.

LAST CALL Y'ALL

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben  
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down  
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.  
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before  
the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and  
made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The  
third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the  
stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked  
slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did  
you do that?" asked one of his friends.  
"My watch is 20 minutes slow."

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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