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Thanks Sylvie

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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

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TGIF

FRIDAY DECEMBER 7,2007

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: I always know God wouldn't give me more than I can handle But there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Two keys hang in an undertaker's office -
one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of
the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind
comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there,
bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush
themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado
blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the
bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all
the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?
What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop
and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull
replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner
"Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box
of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to
be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy
some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to
use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the
detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groaner
The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into
the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to
have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey
to safety. The cig- arettes were dry but all their matches had become
wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the
sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This
worked well. They were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become a
cigarette lighter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside
the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a
very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat
with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it
was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to
him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated
tones.

      "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."

      "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My
wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her
about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty
work and get the job done."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr
and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel
announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can
throw my old scrubbing brush away at last."

      Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hon. We can easily afford
to buy you a new one now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and
reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead
husband
- asking her to send him a carton of cigarettes. "The only thing is,"
she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

      "Why not?" asked her friend.

      "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't
imagine he'd be in Hell."

      "Hmmm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this
up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the
package, did he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.   One said to the
other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is
standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

      "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

       So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we
digging in the hot sun while you're standing in the shade?"

      "Intelligence," the boss said.

      "What do you mean?"

      The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this
tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

      The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's
hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree,
immediately clutching his hand in agony.

      The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

      The ditch digger went back to his hole, still in pain. His friend
asked, "What did he say?"

      "He said we are down here because of intelligence."

      "What's intelligence?" said the friend.

      The ditch digger put his hand in front of his face and said, "Take
your shovel and hit my hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A gentile man married an Amish woman. It didn't last. The marriage
ended in divorce when the wife testified in court that her husband was
driving her buggy!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On The Lighter Side
The Intruder
It was a warm dark night in Lawton Oklahoma.I remember when I went
to bed it was very dark and the street light was shinning brightly
in the back yard.
My mom told me" you remember to put the dog out and not allow him
to sleep in again tonight " I recall telling her " sure mom" she
then made a sort of command to remember so I figured I better listen
and put him out.
He was quite a smart little guy . He was all black and had tan on
his tummy and tan down his very short legs. With what appeared to
be tan eye brows.We were told when I brought him home he was a short
haired Dachshunds He was as slick as could be.
I loved to sneak and let him stay in and he would sleep at the foot
of my bed or on the small throw rug beside the bed. He was my
confidant,protector and great all round friend.
I recall my dad was working late that night and my mother and I were
getting ready for bed. I made sure to put "Nipper" outside.
It was very late and my dad came home but had forgotten his front
door key so thought he would just slip in the gate and open the side
door. He quietly slipped in the gate and he whistled but got no
response so he decided I had yet again allowed the dog to sleep
inside.But as he was about to go up the steps to the porch he heard
it.. a low growling just behind him as he turned to see what was
going on . He saw that " nipper" had slipped up close behind him on
his heels and was preparing to defend his home and family. It
startled my dad and he yelled out" Nippie you better not bite me"as
the dog recognized it was my dad he relaxed and wagged his little
tail.My father came inside the house and allowed him in as well then
opened my bedroom door and smiled and said" here is your dog
sweetie he is quite the protection from intruders"
~~~~~~Donna Starkey~~~~~~
I am a 40 yr old housewife with 2 children and 1 grand child. I
live in rural Mississippi and love writing and enjoying people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A soothing nightcap, my husband and I felt, would be in order
after our hectic day travelling by car to reach the luxury liner on
which we were about to embark on a cruise. I sleepily phoned the
steward and ordered milk, glasses and two brandies. About 15
minutes later, he knocked on our cabin door and presented us
with our order: a carton of milk, two glasses and two Band-Aids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get
Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks,
and the argument always ends in a tie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a young bride, I wanted to make my new husband
something special. I gathered all the materials for sugar
cookies. My mother had made them for years, the melt
in your mouth kind. I was positive I could do the same.
My dog Jingles, always on the prowl for dropped
crumbs from the table kept me company.

Something wasn't right. What should have been a nice
soft ball of cookie dough was a dry hard lump. I didn't
have a rolling pin, so used a shoe in a plastic bag, to
whack the ball into a flat shape.

Jingles usually ate anything that hit the floor. It was odd;
he was ignoring all the pieces that drifted down.

I finally got the cookies into the oven. They looked fine,
just didn't brown. I offered a warm one to Jingles. He
took it very politely, went out to the yard, dug a deep
hole and buried it. Okay, he was saving it for later. I
tried one, and darn near broke my teeth.
I noticed Jingles had dug his up. Some crows were
banging away at the cookie with their beaks. It wouldn't
break. I took at look at the ingredients I had used.
No wonder the dog wouldn't touch them. Instead of
flour I had used a container of drywall compound,
that when water is added, is used to repair holes in walls.
I dug a hole to bury the rest. Months later, Jingles dug
them up, well preserved. He placed one in front of my
new husband.
"Very strange," he said, "I've never seen white hockey
pucks before."
Even today, if I bake something new, I'll offer a bite to
the dog. I trust his judgment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do snow birds decide where to retire?
They tie a snow shovel to the back of their RV, drive south,
and when people start asking "What's that thing?" they know
they've gone far enough!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but
I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the
bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas
party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however,

she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.

She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised

Buffy to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it.

Buffy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center.

They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** ON THIS DAY ****
Paper Route

Forty-three years seems like a long time to remember the
name of a mere acquaintance. I have duly forgotten the name
of an old lady who was a customer on my paper route when I
was a twelve-year-old boy in Marinette, Wisconsin back in
1954. Yet it seems like just yesterday that she taught me a
lesson in forgiveness that I can only hope to pass on to
someone else someday.

On a mindless Saturday afternoon, a friend and I were
throwing rocks onto the roof of the old lady's house from
a secluded spot in her backyard. The object of our play was
to observe how the rocks changed to missiles as they rolled
to the roofs edge and shot out into the yard like comets
falling from the sky.

I found myself a perfectly smooth rock and sent it for a ride.
The stone was too smooth, however, so it slipped from my hand
as I let it go and headed straight for a small window on the
old lady's back porch. At the sound of fractured glass, we
took off from the old lady's yard faster than any of our
missiles flew off her roof. I was too scared about getting
caught that first night to be concerned about the old lady
with the broken porch window.

However, a few days later, when I was sure that I hadn't been
discovered, I started to feel guilty for her misfortune. She
still greeted me with a smile each day when I gave her the
paper, but I was no longer able to act comfortable in her
presence. I made up my mind that I would save my paper
delivery money, and in three weeks, I had the seven dollars
that I calculated would cover the cost of her window.

I put the money in an envelope with a note explaining that I
was sorry for breaking her window and hoped that the seven
dollars would cover the cost for repairing it. I waited until
it was dark, snuck up to the old lady's house, and put the
envelope of retribution through the letter slot in her door.
My soul felt redeemed, and I couldn't wait for the freedom of,
once again, looking straight into the old lady's eyes.

The next day, I handed the old lady her paper and was able to
return the warm smile that I was receiving from her. She
thanked me for the paper and said, "Here, I have something
for you."

It was a bag of cookies. I thanked her and proceeded to eat
the cookies, as I continued my route. After several cookies,
I felt an envelope and pulled it out of the bag. When I
opened the envelope, I was stunned.

Inside were the seven dollars and a short note that said,
"I'm proud of you."

~ Author Unknown

Today's Links:

Fun With Math

http://www.waxy.org/archive/2003/08/14/fun_with.sht

Christmas Twinkies
http://simplysally.com/twinkies/xmas/

Christmas Backgrounds

http://www.patch59.com/PATCH59/59xmasbacks.html

On line Auto Trader

http://www.traderonline.com/

Culinary Cafe

http://www.culinarycafe.com/

Game Gomoku

Be the first to create a line of 5 in a row, very like Connect 4.

http://www.brainbashers.com/gameloader/loader.asp?game=345

If I Were Santa
http://www.mamarocks.com/if_i_were_santa.htm

You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link below
http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies
published 5 x weekly.No censorship
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

About FreeRice
FreeRice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

This week at the Opry
Join us for Opry at the Ryman this weekend and see performances by Ricky Skaggs, Steve Wariner, Keith Anderson, Mark Wills, Chuck Wicks, Mindy Smith, and more!

Visit Opry at the Ryman for the Tuesday Night Opry next week and see performances by Carrie Underwood, Blake Shelton, The Grascals, Bill Anderson, and more!
Remember listen live onWSM
http://www.wsmonline.com/

**** COUNTRY CALENDAR ****

-7-

Jack Taylor, "The Prarie Ramblers, born Summershade, KY 1901.

Thomas Hoyt "Slim" Bryant, singer/songwriter, born Atlanta, GA 1908.

Kenneth Maddox, of "Maddox Brothers & Rose" born Boaz, AL 1922.

Boyd Bennett, Rockabilly/vocals/bass, born Muscle Shoals, AL 1924.

Bobby Osborne, Opry member, born Hayden, KY 1931.

Darrell Glenn born Waco, TX 1935.

Minnie Pearl joined the Grand Ole Opry 1940.

Gary Morris born Fort Worth, TX 1948.

Ronnie Sessions, born Henrietta, OK 1948.

Jim Reeves' single "He'll Have To Go" charted 1959.

June Carter performed for the first time on the Johnny Cash Show in Dallas, TX 1961.

Stonewall Jackson's single "B.J. the D.J." charted 1963.

Bill Boyd, age 67, Western Swing/vocals/guitar died 1977. Inducted Texas Western Swing Hall of Fame.

Folk singer/songwriter/guitarist, Harry Chapin, age 38, died in a car wreck 1981.

Reba McEntire's single "For My Broken Heart," topped the charts 1991. This was Reba's 15^{th
#1.}

^{The opening act for the 1998
Billboard Music Awards Show was supposed to be Madonna. Sickness caused her to
cancel, and she was replaced by Garth Brooks, and Chris
Gaines.}

^{Gary Allan's album "Smoke Rings In
The Dark" certified platinum 2001.}

^{Shania Twain's album "Up" debuted on
the charts at #1 in 2002.}

^{The Country Music Association donated $100.000 to
various charities during a ceremony at the Country Music Hall of Fame in
2004.}

**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****

Vince Gill And Taylor Swift At Grammy Nominations
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Vince Gill and Taylor Swift are helping announce the Grammy nominations in Los Angeles today. Gill was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame this year. Swift won the CMA Horizon award for best newcomer last month. Her latest single is "Our Song." The 50th annual Grammy Awards show will be held in Los Angeles on February 10th. It'll air on CBS.

Excerpt of Tim McGraw singing 'If You#re Reading This'
Archive audio of Tim McGraw singing 'If You#re Reading This.'

More Taylor
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Taylor Swift is going to perform on ABC's "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" on December 31st. Swift's self-titled CD is closing in a double-platinum status. She topped 30 million music streams on her MySpace page. Taylor turns 18 next Thursday.

Garth Goes To Washington
WASHINGTON
Garth Brooks was more interested in seeing Patsy Cline's performance costume and Ray Charles' tuxedo at the Smithsonian Institution than his own stuff. Brooks was in the nation's capital Tuesday signing autographs and taking pictures. He donated 10 items to the museum including his first gold record, handwritten lyrics from the song "Beaches of Cheyenne," and his trademark black Stetson. Brooks ended his nine-year touring hiatus for several benefit concerts this year, including one for a national memorial for Martin Luther King Junior in Washington. He has upcoming concerts January 25th and 26th in Los Angeles to raise money for victims of the California wildfires.

Clint Black's Benefit Concert
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Clint Black's "Up Close & Personal Tour" is taking a break for the holidays. He recently played a benefit concert in Phoenix, where proceeds went to Arizona children in need. Black's latest single is "The Strong One," which is off an upcoming CD that's due out in February.

Dolly Parton's Literacy Program
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Dolly Parton is bringing her childhood literacy program to the United Kingdom. Parton made the announcement in London. She said the program -- Imagination Library -- will begin in Rotherham. The program provides a new book each month from birth to age 5 to registered children in participating communities. Dolly's new single is "Better Get To Livin,"' which is off the upcoming CD "Backwoods Barbie." That album comes out February 5th. It's her first mainstream country album in over 17 years.

"2 Worlds 2 Voices Tour"
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson are touring together early next year. The "2 Worlds 2 Voices Tour" begins in Dayton, Ohio, on January 17th and wraps up in Kansas City, Missouri, on February 16th. Clarkson wrote and sang the song "Because of You" with Reba on McEntire's duets CD.

Martina Mcbride's 2008 Arena Tour
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Martina McBride's "Waking Up Laughing" tour is moving into the new year. She kicks off the tour in Evansville, Indiana, on January 18th. Jack Ingram and Lady Antebellum are the opening acts. McBride's song "Anyway" garnered CMA award nominations for Single of the Year, Song of the Year and Video of the Year.

Another Milestone For Sugarland
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Sugarland's album, "Enjoy the Ride," is now certified double platinum for shipments of two million units. It's the duo's second album, which was released in late 2006. Singles from the project include "Want To," "Settlin"' and "Stay." The band's debut album, "Twice the Speed of Life," was certified double platinum in January 2006. Sugarland is currently headlining "CMT on Tour" with Little Big Town and Jake Owen. Their next concert is tonight in Battle Creek, Michigan.

Josh Turner To Celebrate 2007's Biggest Hits
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Josh Turner is hosting "America's Grand Ole Opry Weekend Year-End Special" on nationwide country radio. The four-hour special will share some of the year's biggest hits and most memorable country music moments of 2007. Turner joined the Grand Ole Opry in October. He also received a first-time nomination for CMA Male Vocalist. His last single "Firecracker" is a Top-5 hit. That's off his album "Everything is Fine."

Danielle Peck Gains Confidence
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Danielle Peck's sophomore album is coming out early next year. The debut single is "Bad for Me." Peck's self-titled 2006 debut included the Top 20 hit "Findin' a Good Man." Danielle says she was accepted by the music industry after the first CD. She adds, with that acceptance came confidence in recording the second album. Peck performs in Nashville on December 28th. She's also performing at the Sprint Sound and Speed concert January 11th and 12th in Nashville. The two-day event brings NASCAR and country music together for the fans.

Country Music Marathon
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
The ninth annual Country Music Marathon and Half Marathon are April 26th in Nashville. More than 29,000 runners participated in last year's races. Artists who've performed during the race in the past include Brad Paisley, Martina McBride, Big and Rich, Sara Evans and Dierks Bentley.

Artists Named For Country Music Show
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Luke Bryan, Jason Michael Carroll, Bucky Covington, Jake Owen, and Taylor Swift are scheduled to perform during the 2008 Country Radio Seminar in Nashville on March 7th.

Today's Birthdays
Singer Helen Cornelius is 66.
Singer Tish Hinojosa is 52.

Gill, Swift nominated in major Grammy categories
See full list of nominees for 50th annual awards

By PETER COOPER
Staff Writer

Country stars Vince Gill and Taylor Swift and songwriters Josh Kear and Chris Tompkins are up for major, all-genre trophies at the 50th Annual Grammy Awards.

GillТs four-disc These Days set has been nominated for album of the year and Swift, along with Middle Tennessee pop-punk band Paramore, will compete with Amy Winehouse for best new artist. Kear and Tompkins received a best song nomination for their УBefore He Cheats,Ф a hit for Carrie Underwood. These are a few of the Nashville connections in the Grammy nomination list, announced this morning in Los Angeles.

Hip-hop artist Kanye West leads the Grammy field with eight nominations, followed by Amy Winehouse with six. The Foo Fighters, Jay-Z, Timbaland, Justin Timberlake and T-Pain followed with five nominations, and country artists Tim McGraw and Dierks Bentley are among the nine industry pros to garner four nominations.

The Grammy Awards will be held Feb. 10, and televised live on CBS at 7 p.m. Central Time.

In addition to the usual country and gospel scores, Nashville-based artists also notched nominations in categories including: pop collaboration (Alison Krauss, with Robert Plant); rock song (Jack WhiteТs УIcky ThumpФ); and classical album (the Nashville Symphony, conducted by Leonard Slatkin, for Tower: Made In America).

Below is the full list of final Nominations List for the 50th Annual Grammy Awards for recordings released during the Eligibility Year Oct. 1, 2006 through Sept. 30, 2007)

Note: More or less than 5 nominations in a category is the result of ties.

General Field
Category 1 - Record Of The Year
(Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s), if other than the artist.)

Х Irreplaceable
Beyonc?
Beyonc? Knowles, S. Smith & Stargate, producers; Jim Caruana, Jason Goldstein &
Geoff Rice, engineers/mixers
Track from: B'Day
[Sony Urban Music/Columbia/Music World Productions]

Х The Pretender
Foo Fighters
Gil Norton, producer; Adrian Bushby & Rich Costey, engineers/mixers
[Roswell/RCA Records]

Х Umbrella
Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z
Kuk Harrell & C. "Tricky" Stewart, producers; Kuk Harrell & Manny Marroquin,
engineers/mixers
Track from: Good Girl Gone Bad
[Def Jam]

Х What Goes AroundЕComes Around
Justin Timberlake
Nate (Danja) Hills, Timbaland & Justin Timberlake, producers; Jimmy Douglass &
Timbaland, engineers/mixers
[Jive/Zomba]

Х Rehab
Amy Winehouse
Mark Ronson, producer; Tom Elmhirst, engineer/mixer
Track from: Back To Black
[Universal Republic Records]

General Field
Category 2 - Album Of The Year
(Award to the Artist(s) and to the Album Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s)/Mixer(s) & Mastering Engineer(s), if other than the artist.)

Х Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace
Foo Fighters
Gil Norton, producer; Adrian Bushby & Rich Costey, engineers/mixers; Brian
Gardner, mastering engineer
[Roswell/RCA Records]

Х These Days
Vince Gill
John Anderson, Guy Clarke, Rodney Crowell, Diana Krall & The Del McCoury Band,
featured artists; Vince Gill, John Hobbs & Justin Niebank, producers; Neal
Cappellino & Justin Niebank, engineers/mixers; Adam Ayan, mastering engineer
[MCA Nashville]

Х River: The Joni Letters
Herbie Hancock
Leonard Cohen, Norah Jones, Joni Mitchell, Corinne Bailey Rae, Luciana Souza &
Tina Turner, featured artists; Herbie Hancock & Larry Klein, producers; Helik
Hadar, engineer/mixer; Bernie Grundman, mastering engineer
[Verve]

Х Graduation
Kanye West
Dwele, Lil Wayne, Mos Def & T-Pain,

**** Amy's Kitchen ****

APPLE BUTTER BREAD from Dessert Du Jour
     1/2      cup butter or margarine -- softened
        1      cup firmly packed brown sugar
        1      egg
     3/4      cup buttermilk
        2      teaspoons baking soda
        2      cups all-purpose flour
        1      teaspoon ground cinnamon
        1      teaspoon ground nutmeg
        1      teaspoon ground allspice
     1/2      teaspoon ground clove
        1      cup apple butter
     1/2      cup chopped pecans

Cream butter and brown sugar; add egg to mixture, and beat well. Combine
buttermilk and soda.
Combine flour and spices; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk
mixture, beginning and ending with flour. Stir in apple butter and chopped
pecans.
Pour into greased 9- x 5- x 3-inch loafpan. Bake at 350 degrees F. for 1
hour and 5 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out
clean. Cool in pan 5 minutes; remove to wire rack, and cool completely.
Yield: 1 loaf (9 servings).

Per Serving: 411 Calories; 16g Fat (33.7% calories from fat); 5g Protein;
65g Carbohydrate; 2g Dietary Fiber; 49mg Cholesterol; 422mg Sodium.
Exchanges: 1 1/2 Grain(Starch); 0 Lean Meat; 0 Non-Fat Milk; 3 Fat; 2 1/2
Other Carbohydrates.

**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Fingerprints:

One of the most fascinating features of our fingers is our
fingerprints. Every person in the world has a unique set of
fingerprints, unlike any other. However, most experts believe
that identical twins have identical fingerprints 95 percent of
the time. The use of fingerprint identification has become a
major tool in apprehending criminals.

Latent fingerprints (the prints left at a crime scene as opposed
to those on a fingerprint card) can be left on any surface,
including paper and human skin. Some techniques used to make
latent fingerprints visible include lasers, powders, alternate
light sources, and subjecting them to glue fumes.

In ancient Babylon, fingerprints on clay tablets were used for
business transactions; in fourteenth-century Persia, many
government papers had fingerprints on them; and in Nova Scotia, a
prehistoric picture shows a hand with ridge patterns.

Wearing latex gloves does not necessarily keep a criminal from
being apprehended if the criminal leaves the gloves at the crime
scene. When tight-fitting, nonporous gloves are removed,
fingerprints remain on the insides of the gloves and can be
detected by a number of different methods.

The first mention of fingerprints occurred in 1686 when a
professor of anatomy, Marcello Malpighi, described the ridges,
loops, and spirals of fingerprints. In 1823, another professor of
anatomy, John Evangelist Purkinji, described 9 basic fingerprint
patterns. However, neither man considered using fingerprints to
identify individuals.

Prior to using fingerprints to identify individuals, a system of
measuring bony parts of the body was used. This system was
devised in the late 1800s by Alphonse Bertillon, a French
anthropologist. Bertillon measured certain bony body parts and
then used a formula to come up with a value that would apply to
only one person in the world and would not change during that
person's lifetime. This technique, named the Bertillon system
after its inventor, was accepted as valid for 30 years.

In 1903, a bizarre event triggered the end of the Bertillon
system. A man by the name of Will West was sent to the federal
penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas. The problem was that the
penitentiary already had an inmate named William West. When
photographs of the two men were compared, they were identical.
When the authorities used Bertillon measurements, they indicated
that both men were the same person. Finally, their fingerprints
were compared, proving they were indeed two different individuals.
When authorities reviewed prison records and correspondence from
the men's families, they discovered that Will West and William
West were identical twins.

In that same year, the New York state prison system began using
fingerprints to identify criminals, and a year later fingerprint
identification was started at the Leavenworth penitentiary.

Thanks to the West brothers, today we only have to put an inked
thumbprint on a piece of paper rather than have all of our bony
body parts measured.

~Do Fish Drink Water?
by Bill McLain

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