I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Guess what I just found out ,
I'm a Great grandfather for the secord time .My son
Jim and his wife Jody,had a little girl
Seven lbs. 9 1/2 ozs. 211/2 ".No name yet.....Jim

THURSDAY  JANUARY 10,2008


THOUGHT FOR TODAY: I hate to stop at a red light.
When people see my truck, they rush over thinking
there's been an accident.


The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter
of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old man Murray goes to Doc Taz with a very worried
look on his face. "Doctor," he says, "you've got to
help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I
always complain about?"

"Yes," the doctor replies.

"Well, they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.

"So what's the problem?"

"I think I'm going deaf."
*******************
The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an
outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's
gossip.
"Doctor Taz, how is the Smith baby?"
"Well, the child was born without a penis," the doctor said...
"Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip... and with a smile on her
face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.
Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly
grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her
ear, "But she'll be a real nice wife in 20 years or so!"
*****************************************
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven.
Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.
Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get
the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the
box.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is
fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
**************************************
Jill: I saw my ex out walking with his dog the other day.

Mary: Wait a minute! Your ex doesn't have a dog.

Jill: Oh, right! Well, that's just a matter of opinion.
*****************************************
His mother was now living in Miami Beach and Dan
didn't see her that often. Since his father was no
longer around, he was concerned that his mother might
be lonely. So for a surprise, he purchased a rare
parrot and trained it to speak seven languages. Then
he had it delivered to his mother just before her
birthday.

A few days later, he called. "Ma, what did you think
of the bird?"

"The bird was good but a little tough. I should have
cooked it longer," replied his mother.

Aghast, Dan exclaimed, "You ATE the bird? I can't
believe it! Ma, that bird was very expensive! It even
spoke seven languages!" said Dan, shocked.

His mom replied, "Well, if the bird was so smart, why
didn't it say something when I put it in the oven...???"
*******************************************
An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married
decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family
for several generations. The stone had never been appraised,
so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a
look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd
accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass
of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's
loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table.
"These Texas women are tough!"
***************************
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a
divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and
then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a
divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a three-story
house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a three-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache' and the second story is ...'It's that time
of the month."...and the third story is, "NO..we'll
wake the children. ".
*****************
Henny Youngman remarked once that, in his will, he is
leaving his body to Julia Roberts. "If she can't wait,
she can have it now," he added.
**************************
A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's
Cadillac as he made a left turn.

The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't
you putout your hand?" he demanded.

"What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see
my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"
**********************************
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could
labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog
might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog
healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog
*****************************************************
While taking the interview the Employer asked the candidate,
'How long did you work during your last job.'
Candidate said 30 years.
The employer asked What’s your age?
The reply was 20.
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate that how it is
possible that you are 20 and have a experiance of 30 years.
The reply was Overtime.
*********************
Justin, 10, had been ill, requiring several doctors' visits and tests
before a specialist came up with the final diagnosis and treatment.
Afterwards, his mother asked him if he understood what the doctor had
explained to him. "No," replied Justin, "not really."

"Okay," his mother replied, "the doctor said you started with a
virus..."

At which point Justin interrupted to ask, "Does that mean I need a new
motherboard?"
*************
A farmer had been taken advantage of several times by the local car
dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming
over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced his unit as follows: Basic cow 499.95 Shipping and
handling 35.75 Extra stomach 79.25 Two tone exterior 142.10 Produce
storage compartment 126.50 Heavy duty straw chopper 189.60 Four
spigot/high output drain system 149.20 Automatic fly swatter 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90 Deluxe dual horns 59.25 Automatic
fertilizer attachment 339.40 4 x 4 traction drive assembly 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80 FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: 2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36
*******************************
Sam Goldstein, in Singapore on business, is amazed to
find a synagogue, and, since it's Friday night, walks
in, and attends a standard service, except the part of
the service which is not in Hebrew is in Chinese.

After the service, Sam is welcomed by the Chinese
rabbi, and the rabbi says, "Excuse me, but are you a
Jew?"

When Sam replies that he is, the rabbi says, "Funny,
you don't look Jewish!"
***********************
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new
life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable
client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her
inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,'
and the other, 'my love.'

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go
in one ear and out the other.'"
***********************
"When my son, Michael, was 3 yrs. old, he was in the habit of following
me everywhere! Even to the bathroom. One day he followed me in and I
said to him, "Will you please go in the living room and let me poop in
peace?!" Well, he kind of looked at my funny and turned around and
walked to the living room. Just then the phone rang. Being a bit tied up
at the moment Michael got to the phone first. As I came running into the
living room to get the phone off of him I heard him say "No, Mommy can't
come to the phone right now, she is pooping in pieces."
*****************************************
My friend`s 5 year old daughter, Rose, was playing with her 14 year old
cousin, Sarah, upstairs. Rose came down to make some cookies. "Where's
Sarah," My friend asked, "isn't she going to help you bake cookies?"
"Oh, Sarah can't come down right now," Rose replied, "she doesn't feel
very well." "Really, what's the matter with her?" Rose looked very
serious and said, "she'll be okay, she's just got her pyramid."
*********************************************
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial
gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director
to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired
of all the hassles involved in making movies."

"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a
new score for the movie."

"You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to
make any more movies."

"But we got Leonardo do Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter
exclaimed.

"I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.

"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William
Shakespeare to write it for you."

"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set designed by da
Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!"

"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch... God's
got a girlfriend who sings..."
*********************
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that
came down from a helicopter... ten men and one
woman.

The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed
that one person should let go because if they
didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the
woman gave a really touching speech, saying how
she would give up her life to save theirs, because
women were used to giving up things for their
husbands and children, giving in to men, and that
after all, men were the superior sex and must be
saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
scroll down...


Never underestimate the power of a woman!!
***********************************

How many insect parts are allowed to be in
peanut butter before it's legally considered unsanitary?

How much do you want to know? Unfortunately, growing and storing
food is not a completely sterile industry; some impurities will
sneak in on tiny feet and wings. Peanut butter, by federal safety
standards, may have up to 210 or more insect fragments per 700
grams, an average-size jar of peanut butter. But wait, that's
just the insect part. That same average jar of peanut butter may
also contain up to seven whole rodent hairs at no extra charge
before it's considered unsanitary.
For a complete listing from the FDA's Food Defect Action Levels
Handbook, see
http://www.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/dalbook.html

~source used: "Just Curious Jeeves"
By Jack Mingo & Erin Barrett
I shouldn't print this- Vonda will never touch
the stuff again, probably Shelly won't either


****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
It's okay to be rude to tourists, because let's face
it, you'll never see them again....I guess I thought
My ex- wife Only treated me that way......Jim

LAST CALL Y'ALL
See ya all tomorrow
Jim

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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