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The Funnies are
strictly a Double opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM  From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG I always know God won't give me more than I can
handle,
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 16,2008 Jury Duty Scam: Not new, been around awhile but still worth reading This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summons for ju ry duty seriously a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo, your identity was just stolen. The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado . This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the Federal Court System have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud. Protecting yourself is the key: Never give out personal information when you receive an unsolicited phone call. Snopes site: says this is real fraud. http://www.snopescom/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp FBI site: warns about the fraud. http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm *************************************** Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated
on me from the Beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's Worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked For a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. With his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our Daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and Hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless ------------- Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him! Good grief, woman - you don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like it !!! ........BABS ********************************** General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with- out me!" -David Letterman ************************************ "According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be- tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here.'" -Jay Leno ************************************ "This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im- mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson ************************************** Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had time to stop for a take-out coffee. I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had not only left it running but had locked it! The day was going from bad to worse. I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom. I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..." "I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can unlock my van with a broom." "No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on inside out." ************************** The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ******************************** My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 65?" "Yes, I remember," I said. "Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108." ******************* "Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances." (Jay Leno) ************************* Delbert and Fletch, two industrial robots, escaped from the engineering lab one Saturday night. They decided to separate, pick up some dates and meet later. A few hours passed and Delbert arrived at the meeting place. He found Fletch standing in front of a mailbox and a fire alarm. "Who are your two friends?" asked Delbert. "Forget them," sighed Fletch. "The short, fat one with the big mouth just stands there, and if you touch the redhead she screams her lungs out. ********************************* One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" ******************************************* Our son, Chris, is a pre-med student and is fortunate to have a job in a research lab where they are studying Lyme disease. Recently, he called home and told us that he had received a promotion. "Great!" I said. "You can always use more money." There was a slight pause before Chris responded. "Well, I didn't exactly get more money." he said. "But they did give me more keys." ******************************* A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anaesthetic." ************************* No Novacaine A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear." ******************************************** At the hospital where I trained as an operating-room technician, many doctors were performing their residencies. They were kept quite busy. One hectic afternoon as I was headed into an examining room, I saw one of the residents whiz by with a thermometer behind her ear. I didn't think anything of it until I entered the room. There sat a man with a pen under his tongue. ********************************* A surgical patient was given the usual post-operative instructions. That night, she called wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?" "It says here in your instructions: 'No relations until after your post-op checkup.'" *************************** One afternoon on shift, my father, a police officer, was sorting through some papers and discovered a license that was to have been picked up almost a year earlier. The driver had been given a 12-hour suspension. Dad recognized the name and knew him to be an older man, a kind man. Dad called the fellow, who was happy to hear from my father. After about five minutes of conversation, Dad explained the reason for his call. He told the man that his license was at the station and he should come and pick it up. "Oh, I can't do that, William," the old fellow replied. "An officer suspended my license almost a year ago." ************************ Vet removes arrow shaft in dog's chest It was obvious to Scott and Kelly Cornelisse that their 2-year-old chocolate Labrador retriever, Remington, wasn't feeling well. What they didn't know was that their dog, for as long as they had owned him, had been living with part of an arrow lodged in his chest. The animal is recovering after a Norton Shores veterinarian volunteered to surgically remove the 8.5-inch aluminum arrow shaft last week. "This was a unique case because of how long the arrow had been in there," Steven Harden of Clarke Animal Hospital told The Muskegon Chronicle for a story published Monday. "Animals are amazing, and this dog is proof of that." It was Jan. 7, about six months after adopting the 100-pound dog from an acquaintance, when the Cornelisses, who live in Norton Shores, noticed that Remington was acting as if he didn't want to play — or even move. When Scott Cornelisse went to pick up Remington around the chest, he felt a lump. "I thought it was a broken rib," Cornelisse said. He took Remington to the vet's office the next morning, where an X-ray revealed that the lump was part of an arrow that had entered the animal's body sometime ago under his left armpit, just missing his heart. The arrow shaft probably moved around the chest cavity the previous day, causing discomfort to the dog. Cornelisse said he could not afford to pay for an operation to remove the arrow shaft, but Harden was willing to donate his services. "There are still Good Samaritans out there who are willing to go the extra mile," the dog's owner said. The surgery was relatively simple and took only "about three minutes," said Harden, who was more concerned about the possibility of complications setting in afterward. But the dog underwent surgery Jan. 8 and appears to be doing fine. "I don't want this story to be about me," Harden said. Remington "was in great shape. He's the all-star here." ********************************************* Look out Buggs, *Zoo pays breeder to keep 24-foot-long python named Fluffy* COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — The zoo paid $35,000 to the snake's breeder in Oklahoma to keep the reticulated python on permanent display. While on loan last year, the python helped draw 1.53 million visitors, just under the zoo's attendance record of 1.56 million set in 2006, said Pete Fingerhut, the zoo's associate director. Fluffy is about as long as a moving van and thick as a telephone pole. Bob Clark, the breeder from Oklahoma City who raised the python from a hatchling, initially resisted the zoo's purchase offer but said he's happy with the outcome. "I really love that snake; I think it's a special animal," he said. "It's so big and tame and wonderful. But I have to deal with the realities of life like everyone else. I like to have the money, and I know she's got a great place to live there." The Columbus Zoo doesn't buy animals very often, said Executive Director Jerry Borin. Its animals generally come as exchanges from other zoos or through breeding loans or donations, he said. Fluffy is on display in a 25-foot enclosure with a pool and a few plants, where he eats two 10-pound rabbits a week. In the wild, pythons native to Asia eat whatever they can catch, starting with mice and lizards when they're small and graduating to pigs and goats. There are a few reports of human victims. The largest known reticulated python, named for the cross-hatching patterns on their skin, was 32 feet, 9 1/2 inches when killed in 1912 in Indonesia. ************************************* Here's your sign-Stupid A German man in the northeastern town of Gross Godems was being treated for serious burns Monday after accidentally setting his apartment ablaze when he mixed up a bottle of gasoline with alcohol, police said. The 56-year-old apparently grabbed the wrong bottle and took a swig from the gasoline flask, then spat it out when he realized his mistake. The gas hit a lit cigarette, sparking the fire, police said. The man's name was not released. ********************************************* Bank robber uses drywall for disguise* YORK, Pa. (AP) — Masking his appearance with a coat of drywall compound wasn't enough to protect the identity of a bank robber, authorities said. A NASCAR plate on the getaway car led police right to him. Robert Coulson Lavery, 56, was convicted Wednesday in the Nov. 24, 2006, robbery of the New Cumberland Federal Credit Union, which netted $7,910, Fairview Township, Pa., police said. He was charged along with Robert Steven Miller, 53, who drove the getaway car, which bore a Rusty Wallace NASCAR plate on the front. A tip from someone familiar with the car led police to Miller, who confessed to helping Lavery in the robbery, police said. When Lavery was arrested at Miller's home in Harrisburg, police found $3,775 in cash, clothing with smears of drywall compound, and more drywall compound in the passenger side of the car. Miller pleaded guilty to robbery and theft in October. ********************************* "U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" *************************************** wanta bet The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down. *********************** Today's links: Your Place to buy or sell anything handmade
This is a great video.... a special sort of act on the Britan
has talent
show. Features a song by Michael Jackson, but he is not there!!! Has anyone ever told you that you look like a famous
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easy to find your celebrity look alike. Just upload your picture and we will search the world for your celebrity face match... and it's FREE! Parenting, Recipes, Crafts, Health
Worse Album Covers
http://www.bizarrer Game Putt It In
Play 18 holes of minigolf in the garden park
No, I didn't download
you... You may succeed if nobody else
believes in you, You can join The Funnies http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation http://www.organdonor.gov/ About FreeRice FreeRice is a sister site of the world poverty site http://www.freerice.com/about.html Poverty.com No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim **** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -16- 1923 - Roy Lanham "Sons Of The Pioneers," born Corbin, Kentucky. 1943 - Ernest Tubb sang on the Grand Ole Opry for the first time. That night E.T. played Jimmie Rodgers guitar, a gift from Jimmie’s widow Carrie. Mrs. Rodgers was E.T.’s strongest supporter, and was responsible for getting Ernest’s first two recording contracts. RCA, and shortly after Ernest found out they had no intention of releasing any of the songs he had recorded for RCA, Carrie contacted the new country division at Decca Records. They signed Ernest, and the rest is history. The songs that Ernest recorded for RCA were all released by that label after he had become a star. 1943 - Ronnie Milsap born in Robbinsville, North Carolina. Ronnie joined the Grand Ole Opry in 1976. Three years earlier, Ronnie and his group were the house band at Roger Miller’s King of the Road, a favorite hangout of Music City’s artists. 1944 - James Wayne "Jim" Stafford singer, songwriter, and guitarist born Eloise, Florida. Jim and Bobbie Gentry were married at one time. 1946 - Ruby Falls 1946~1986, singer, songwriter, recording artist born in Jackson, Tennessee. Ruby was one of the most successful black female country singers in the genre’s history. She traveled as a part of Justin Tubb’s road show, and was a huge success in Las Vegas. Although she was never able to obtain a major label recording contract, Ruby placed 9 country singles on the Billboard country charts between 1975~1979. All of her hits were on the 50 States label. 1947 - James Sanford "Sandy" Pinkard Jr., of "Pinkard & Bowden," born Abbeville, Louisiana. 1949 - Little Jimmy Dickens began his recording career at Columbia Records. 1949 - George Morgan recorded his #1 country hit "Candy Kisses" today in Nashville. This Columbia single was hit first #1 record, and his first chart hit. George became a member of the Grand Ole Opry in 1948 (replacing Eddy Arnold). The very talented singer, songwriter, and guitarist was inducted into the CMHF in 1998. 1953 - Bill Monroe was injured in a car wreck in Tennessee. He received numerous injuries and required four months of healing before he would appear on stage again. 1959 - Corky Owens steel guitarist, born today. 1961 - Buck Owens recorded "Loose Talk/Mental Cruelty" with Rose Maddox. 1968 - Jan Howard and Bill Anderson’s duet "For Loving You," topped the charts. 1973 - Merle Haggard recorded "If We Make It Through December." 1974 - John and Doug Brown were arrested for the murder of Stringbean, and wife Estelle. 1976 - ABC-TV aired their musical variety show "Donny & Marie" for the first time. 1978 - Glen Campbell co-hosted the broadcast of the fifth annual American Music Awards this evening. Country artist winners included Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Kenny Rogers, and Conway Twitty. 1982 - Alabama’s #1 single "Love in the First Degree" debuted on Billboards Top 40 Chart. 1984 - Willie Nelson, Barbara Mandrell, Alabama, Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers were all honored at the eleventh annual American Music Awards. Alabama was awarded three trophies. 1993 - Tanya Tucker’s "It’s a Little Too Late" hit the country singles chart today. Roger Murrah and Pat Terry wrote the song, and watched it top out at #2. This was Tanya’s 55th chart single. 1996 - Jamaican drug enforcement officers fired on Jimmy Buffett’s private plane. Police reports indicate they believed the plane belonged to drug traffickers. Buffett and his passenger Bono, of U2 were not injured. 1998 - Steve Wariner requested his release from Arista Records. Arista complied with his request. 2001 - Tammy Wynette’s widower, record producer George Richey, married Sheila Slaughter in College Grove, Tennessee. The 34-year-old bride is a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. 2001 - Bloodshot Records released Johnny Bonds’ "Country & Western." 2002 - Emil Hofner, age 83, steel guitarist, died from a stroke. 2005 - Brad Paisley's Mudstock in the Valley concert in Wheeling, West Virginia, raised over $102,000 for flood victims in the Upper Ohio Valley. 2005 - Leslie Wilburn, age 79, brother of Teddy & Doyle, member of the Wilburn Family Band, died today. **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Sara Evans, Maroon 5 headline next 'Crossroads' Country singer Sara Evans and pop band Maroon 5 will be the next genre-crossing pairing featured on CMT series Crossroads. The artists will tape the show before an invitation-only audience in Nashville on January 29. The episode will air on CMT in May. -- Kristin Whittlesey Country Music Disc Jockey Hall of Famer, Romeo Sullivan and Mary Ann Taylor are joining forces to promote and preserve classic and traditional country music Country Music Disc Jockey Hall of Famer, Romeo Sullivan and Mary Ann Taylor are joining forces to promote and preserve classic and traditional country music. Our dream is to book the legends of country music and new artist who stick to the traditional sound. As far as we know, there is no one within a 200 mile radius that books only those artist. A magazine devoted entirely to news on country artist and country shows along the entire coast area will begin publication in about a month. We have our first show scheduled for April 19th. in Wiggins, Mississippi about 30 north of the Gulf Coast. We will feature many of the local artist that have entertained people in the area for years...."its about time they got their dues". Any artist that would like more information please contact us at the following. RoMar promotions 101 Creek Lane Hattiesburg, Ms. 39402 601-268 -1841 800-762-4952 RomeoSullivan@comcast.net Insuranceplus@aol.com Garth Brooks to appear in televised concert By PETER COOPER Staff Writer Garth Brooks, the No. 1 selling solo artist in U.S. history, will perform five shows over two days, Jan. 25 and 26 at Staples Center in Los Angeles. The five shows sold out in one hour - a Staples Center record - and part of the Jan. 25 show will be broadcast live on the CBS network. Proceeds from the shows will go to benefit F.I.R.E., the Fire Intervention Relief Effort, in California.
**** Amy's Kitchen **** Chicken and Noodles This one-pot meal is ideal on chilly nights with a tossed salad and crusty Italian bread. Serves: 8 Prep. time: 10 minutes Cooking time: 20 minutes ~ 2 cups cooked chicken, diced ~ 6 cups chicken broth ~ 1 lb. egg noodles, uncooked (or your favorite noodle type) ~ 1/2 green bell pepper, chopped ~ 1/2 red bell pepper, chopped ~ 1 medium onion, cut into rings ~ 1 4 ounce can sliced mushrooms, OR 8 ounce fresh mushrooms ~ salt, to taste ~ pepper, to taste Place chicken in a large pot with broth. Add peppers and onions; simmer 10 minutes. Add noodles to broth and cook according to package directions. Add mushrooms five minutes before noodles are done. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve hot. * Why do wolves howl? Did you
hear about the new computer Apple has developed,
A horse
trainer was giving last-minute instructions to his jockey when he appeared to
slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by.
See ya buds HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR! I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth." AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are
believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright
on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com |
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