After rollerblading up and down a crowded boardwalk in San Diego,
I sat down to rest and observe passersby. I watched a young father
riding a bicycle with his toddler strapped snugly into a seat
behind him.

On the back of the baby's seat was this sign: "My dad's single. To
meet him call -- 555-1234."
************************
While practicing auto-rotations during a military
night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up
the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The
landing was so hard that it broke off the tail
boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained
upright on its skids, sliding down the runway
doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a
brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio
exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done
crashin' yet."
**********
A few minutes before the famous Shakespearean actor was to
perform Hamlet to a packed house in NY, he dropped dead. The
house manager solemnly came on stage and announced "We are
sorry to bring you this news. Mr. Famous Actor has passed
away in his dressing room, and there will be no performance
tonight."

From the back of the rear balcony, a voice cries "Give him

some chicken soup!"

The stage manager, startled, clears his voice and says "I
apologize if in my grief I have not made my solemn message
clear. Mr. Actor is deceased, and there will be no performance."

Again, from the top balcony, that voice: "Give him some
Chicken Soup!"

Having had about enough, the manager yells back "Lady, the
man is dead. Giving him some chicken soup wouldn't help."

And the voice replies, "It couldn't hurt"
**********************************
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened. "First body: Bill Clinton, died of heart failure whilst making
love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the
Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the
coroner, "this is the most unusual one. George Dubya Bush, struck by
lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought
he was having his picture taken."
**************************
A telemarketer phoned me last night and tried to sell me
insurance against "identity theft"! I told him I was old, I
am broke, we have 4 ft of snow on the ground and -14 degrees
temperature and if somebody wanted MY life they were welcome
to it!
****
Jill: I read that the tongue is the strongest muscle
in the body.

John: Really? Come over here, and let's wrestle.
******************************************
My husband and I were in line at a theme park when we
noticed two teenagers in front of us, passionately
hugging and kissing. They didn't even come
up for air when the line moved.

As we waited, their displays of affection became more
and more embarrassing.

Finally one park employee approached them and said,
"Hey, Kids, this is a place to bring your families,
not have them.
************
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards
leftovers.
"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie Producer and he
calls them 'reruns'."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a Quality
Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband
is a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"
********************************
The doorbell rang and the little girl ran to open the door. In the
doorway stood a man with a clipboard. He explained he was from the
Census Bureau and wanted to know how many were in the family.

Coming over, drying her hands on her apron, the mother said,
"Let's see. There's me and my husband, and my children Tracy,
Katherine, Amanda, Alfred, Benjamin--"

The census taker interrupted, saying, "I'm not interested in the
names. The numbers will be enough."

The little girl pitched in. "We don't use numbers. We haven't run
out of names yet!"
***************
There once lived in an old Oak tree a family of three robins, a
momma robin, a daddy robin, and a baby robin. One day towards the
end of summer, the daddy robin suddenly ruffled his feathers,
ducked his head under his tail feathers, and said "My instincts
tell me it's time to fly south!" Well, at this the baby bird just
looked at his father a bit puzzled. A moment later, the mamma
bird ruffled her feathers, ducked her head under her tail
feathers, and said "My instincts also tell me it's time to fly
south!" This time the baby bird, just as puzzled as before,
just shrugged and thought, Oh well, guess I'll give it a try.

So the baby bird ruffled his feathers, ducked his head under his
tail feathers, then looked up and said "Wow, my end stinks too,
but I don't hear it talking to me!!!"
*****************************
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb
for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many
motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how
enormous it was, they'd leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions,
turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they
picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
***********************************************
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table
working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about
government. The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many
people work in the U.S. government?"
The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about a third of them."
*********************************************************
Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye open and
half of their brain awake. The only other living thing known to
do this is the Government Employee in its natural daytime habitat.
*********************************************************
An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his
efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it
this way." he said finally. "How would your wife
carry on if you should die?"

"Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't
reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she
behaves herself while I'm alive."
***************************
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy
dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person.

"How does that thing work?" she asked.

As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed.
"I see..it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist
his arm to get anything out of him."
*******************************
A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."
***********************************
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival.
"How did you get here?" he asked.
And the new angel replied, "Flu..."
****************************
You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men
want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds
for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering." Then five guys and two women
stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been
in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "Branding."

There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a
new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.

The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q,
and are embroidered with his logo.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy
************************************************
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we
are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,'Sunday is
my only day to sleep in.'

2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof will
cave in if I ever came to church.'

3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and
fans for those who say it is too hot.

4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, 'The pastor
speaks too softly,' and cotton for those who say, 'He preaches too
loudly.'

5. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the
hypocrites present.

6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go
visiting on Sunday.

7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and
cook dinner too.

8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who
like to golf on Sunday.
*********************
Teacher: Who knows what a hippie is?
Pupil:   It's something that holds your leggie on.
****************************************
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
*******************************
Do you know the story of the man, who couldn't sleep of hunger at
night?
Well, in the morning he couldn't eat, because he was too sleepy!
********************************************************
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
*************************************