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The Funnies are
strictly a Double opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM  From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's way of taking care of
us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG I always know God won't give me more than I can
handle,
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 23,2008 Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to
pee.
Law of the Workshop - Any tool, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability - The probability of being
watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone - If you dial a wrong
number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were
late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a
flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic
lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in
now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully
immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of
meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you
don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to
someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch
is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee - As soon as you sit down to a cup
of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two
people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets - The chances of an
open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location - No matter where you go, there
you are.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible
if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law - If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law - As soon as you find a product
that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.
Don't make an appointment and you'll stay
sick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If anyone by chance runs into my ex-wife, back up and finish the job. thank you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, Adam, how do you like your new mother?" a recently remarried father asks his little son. "You know, Daddy," the boy replies sadly, "I think you got fooled; she doesn't look new at all ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "We've been given only one piece of life's jigsaw puzzle, and only God has the cover of the box." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The monitor confirmed cardiac arrest as an elderly man suddenly lost consciousness. After about 20 seconds of resuscitation, he came to. Explaining to him that his heart had momentarily stopped, I asked if he remembered anything unusual during that time. "I saw a bright light," he said, "and in front of me a man dressed in white." Zeroing in on this near-death impression, I inquired if he could describe the figure. "Sure, doctor," he replied. "It was you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Honey", "after our marriage I'll share with you all your troubles and problems." "But, dear," he replies, "I don't have any." "But we're not married yet," she says. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Why Are We Here" On a beautiful summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the riverbank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead. After a few minutes of silence, the
boy turned to
the father and said: 'Dad, why are we here?'
'That's a good question, son. I think
we're here
to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes. We're here to savour the small triumphs of life passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, a promotion at work, Or possibly a win for the home team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone. Does that answer your question, son?' 'Not really, Dad.'
'No?'
'No, what I meant was, why are
we here when Mom said to pick her up forty minutes ago?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine. "And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward. The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the beautiful statue of Athena...". "Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?" "No, Athena wasn't married: She was the goddess of wisdom." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A student is floundering during an exam. "Your mind is like a desert, sir," the professor tells him in frustration. "Every desert has an oasis, professor," the student replies. "But not every camel is able to find it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and I to stop at the local grocery to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the day. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, "What was that?" "My pager," I said. "I am 911." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A patient limped into his doctor's office. The doctor handed him a large pill. Just then, the nurse called the doctor out of the room to ask him a question. While the doctor was gone, the patient hobbled over to the sink, ran some water in a paper cup and swallowed the pill. Just then the doctor returned with a bucket and said, "Now, drop the pill into the bucket and we'll soak your foot." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Doctor, I always talk to myself." "Does it bother your family members?" "No, I live alone." "Then why does it bother you? "I'm so boring!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two men, once close friends, meet after twenty years. One of them invites the other over to his house for a dinner. During dinner, the guest has to hide his surprise when he sees fourteen children in his friend's house: "You must be happy in your marriage; the house full of kids. Isn't it nice!" the guest says to his friend when they step outside for a smoke. "I wish! You don't know my wife. She nags at me day and night." "Then, why did you father so many kids?" "Well, I figured it's much easier to get lost in a crowd." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancee home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected. "She's not the type to say no.""I see", my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Russian and an American die and they both go to hell. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?" "What's the difference?" the Russian asks. "In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two," Satan explains. The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell. One year later the two men run into one another. "How's life?" the Russian asks. "Can't complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I'm free for the rest of the day. What about you?" "It couldn't be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They're either late with waste deliveries, or they're having bucket shortages." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MADE IN MEXICO A guy goes into a Texas bar all dejected, and orders a drink. The barkeep says, "Here, you look down. It's on the house if you'll tell me your story." "Okay," the guy says in a heavy Mexican accent. "Ess like theese: I jused to be an inspector for the Mexican Navy." "Really!" the barkeep says, surprised. "I didn't know Mexico had a Navy." "Oh, chure," the inspector says. "So, what did you inspect?" "Submarines." "What did you have to do?" "Well," the inspector says, taking a big drink. "I get into the submarine with all the other guys in the Navy and I say, 'Take it down to 100 feet!'" "And what happens?" "Then I go around and check for leaks. Then I say, 'Take it down to 200 feet!'" "And then what happens?" "Then I go around and check for leaks again. And if everything goes well, I say, 'Take it down to a thousand feet!'" "And then what happens?" The Mexican inspector shakes his head sadly. "Then those damn adobe walls just fall apart!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters. When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling. "The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully. The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name. "Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply. "Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked. "Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!" "You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? LUNCH,A LONG LUNCH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband and I were dining out with our children one evening. Our four-year-old son caught the eye of a woman at the next table who smiled at him, and he smiled back. When she got up to leave, we encouraged Joe to say goodbye. She leaned over and said, with a smile, "Good night, young man." Joe looked up at her, with an equally big smile, and said, "Good night, old lady." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Several months ago I went on a business trip to the enormous Boeing factory in Redmond, WA, where I was able to crawl on and around several 747s, 767s, and 777s airliners in various stages of assembly. I noticed that the engines aren't attached until the rest of the plane is pretty much assembled. To keep the airplanes from tipping while work crews are in the fuselage, enormous weights are hung from chains on the wings, dangling above the floor like bizarre Christmas ornaments. Each weight is a solid slab of steel the size of golf cart and is painted with fluorescent, reflective yellow paint. Most interesting is the boldface label stenciled on each side of the weight: "7,800 LBS. REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today's Links:
Play the bongos.
http://www.addictin Cute video - Can you dance? Sand Sculpture Art
R.I.P. Suzanne Pleshette Complaints, huh? You can join The Funnies **** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -23- 1911 - Fields Ward 1911~1987,
fiddler, born in Buck Mountain, Virginia. Fields was the son of fiddler Davy
Crockett Ward, and recorded with his band in the late 1920's and later for the
Library of Congress as a member of the Bog Trotters.
1920 - Herman Barrier 1920~1988, of
the Barrier Brothers, a Bluegrass Band was born in Harden County,
Tennessee.
1932 - The first dressing room was
constructed backstage at the Ryman Auditorium.
1937 - Polly Lewis Copsey, of “The
Lewis Family” was born in Lincoln County, Georgia.
1940 - Johnny Russell 1940~2001,
singer, songwriter, guitarist and TV actor, born in Sunflower County,
Mississippi, and raised in Fresno, California. Johnny became a member of the
Grand Ole Opry in 1985. He was billed as “The Biggest Act in Country Music.” He
recorded for RCA Victor and Mercury, and charted 28 country single hits on
Billboard’s Country Chart.
1940 - Joe Dowell, recording
artist, born in Bloomington, Indiana.
1947 - Merle Travis recorded “Steel
Guitar Rag.”
1949 - Ernest Tubb recorded the
Vaughn Horton penned "Till The End Of The World" and the Troy Martin-Ernest Tubb
penned "Daddy, When is Mommy Coming Home" at Castle Studios, in Nashville. Paul
Cohen produced the session, which required adding a second day (January 24th) to
complete the project. The session personnel included Ernest Tubb~Vocals; Jack
Drake~Bass; Bill Drake~Rhythm guitar; Hal Smith~Fiddle; Don Davis~Steel guitar;
Tommy Paige~Lead guitar; Banjo Murphy~Banjo. Till The End Of The World charted
in March, topped out at #4, and remained on the chart for 9 weeks. This was
Ernest's 20th chart hit. Daddy, When is Mommy Coming Home charted in May, topped
out at #15, and was on the chart for 1 week. This was Ernest's 23 chart
hit.
1956 - Harley Allen, son of Red
Allen, singer, songwriter born today in Dayton, Ohio.
1957 - Gerald Cline, Patsy Cline’s
first husband, filed for divorce.
1959 - Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper,
Ritchie Valens, and Dion began their ill-fated “Winter Dance Party” tour. Less
than two weeks later (February 3, 1959) all but Dion would be dead, the result
of a plane crash.
1969 - Elvis Presley recorded
“Suspicious Minds” in Memphis at the American Studios, for his album “From
Memphis To Vegas/From Vegas To Memphis.” The two record album hit the Billboard
Country Album chart in December, and topped out at #5.
1972 - T. Texas Tyler 1916~1971,
age 55, a.k.a. David Luke Myrick died from cancer in Springfield, Missouri.
Tyler was known as “The Man with a Million Friends.”
1976 - Donny and Marie Osmond
debuted their “Donny & Marie Show” on the ABC network.
1982 - Ricky Skaggs’ “Cryin’ My
Heart Out Over You” charted, and became Ricky’s first #1 single.
1986 - Elvis Presley was inducted
into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame at their first ever ceremony.
1987 - Reba McEntire’s MCA album
“Whoever’s in New England” was certified Gold by the R.I.A.A. This was Reba’s
first Gold album.
1990 - Texas Jim Lewis 1909~1990,
singer, songwriter, guitarist and actor, leader of the “Lone Star Cowboys” died
at the age of 80.
1990 - Clint Black’s RCA album
“Killin’ Time” was certified Platinum by the RIAA This was Clint’s first
Platinum album.
1991 - The IRS auctioned off Willie
Nelson’s property, to satisfy his tax debt. Most of the items that Willie cared
about were purchased by friends and returned to him.
1993 - Wayne Raney 1920~1993, disc
jockey, recording artist, and sideman, known as “The Harmonica Wizard,” died at
the age of 72. Wayne was inducted into the Country Music D.J. Hall of Fame
1993.
1993 - Thomas A. Dorsey, age 93,
writer of “Take My Hand Precious Lord” and “Peace In The Valley” died in Chicago
from Alzheimer’s disease.
1995 - Alan Jackson’s single “Gone
Country” went to #1 on Billboard’s country chart. The song charted 23 weeks
earlier. No song in Billboard history ever took that long to reach the
top.
2004 - Josh Gracin signed his first
recording contract with the Lyric Street label.
2005 - Bill Simmons, age 80,
keyboardist with the Light Crust Doughboys died in Texas. Inducted Texas Cowboy
Hall of Fame, Texas Western Swing Hall of Fame, and the Rockabilly Hall of
Fame.
2005 - Kenny Alphin, the ‘Big’ of
“Big & Rich,” and Christiev Carothers were married in Deadwood, South
Dakota.
2005 - Johnny Carson, age 79, host
of NBC’s Tonight Show died in a California hospital from emphysema.
2005 - Art Stamper
former fiddle player for Ralph Stanley’s Clinch Mountain Boys died in a
Louisville, Kentucky hospital.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** McCoy heads to Persian Gulf Tuesday, January 22, 2008 – Neal McCoy will soon trek to the Persian Gulf as part of a USO/MNC-I expeditionary entertainment tour. Visiting troops on what will be his 13th USO tour, McCoy and his band will perform, dine with service members, pose for photographs, stop at command posts and sign autographs. The son of an Irish American father who served in the U.S. Army and a Filipino mother, McCoy has worked with the USO for almost a decade and entertained millions of troops both stateside and abroad. In 2005, McCoy won the Academy of Country Music's Home Depot Humanitarian Award for his on-going efforts in support of U.S. troops and the East Texas Angels Network, an organization he and his wife founded that raises money to support families of children with terminal or life-threatening diseases. "What I enjoy
most is visiting and performing for our troops," said McCoy. "I try to make my
music a diversion for them, a place where they can escape, envision their
families and visit their friends back home. I'll forever be indebted to the USO
for affording me that opportunity."
Exact details of
the trip were not disclosed.
Keith Urban, Carrie Underwood tour adds dates Monday, January 21, 2008 – Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood's Love, Pain & the whole crazy Carnival Ride Tour added concert dates in Peoria, Ill. and Sacramento, Cal., it was announced Monday. The tour starts with a pair of shows at Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut Jan. 31 and Feb.1 and winds up April 24-25 with two shows in Georgia. Dates previously were added in Baltimore
Charleston, S.C. and Lexington, Ky. No dates for any of the added shows were
announced.
During their tour together, Underwood also
will be doing her own separate, headlining shows. Later this year, Urban will be
part of Kenny Chesney's summer stadium tour.
Tour dates for Urban and Underwood are:
Jan. 31-Feb. 1 Uncasville, CT Mohegan Sun Feb. 2 Rochester, NY Blue Cross Arena Feb. 13 New York Madison Square Garden Feb. 14 Hershey, PA Giant Center Feb. 15 Atlantic City, NJ Boardwalk Hall Feb. 16 Roanoke, VA Roanoke Civic Arena Feb. 29 Tallahassee, FL Leon County Civic Center March 1 Biloxi, MS Miss. Coast Coliseum March 2 Bossier City, LA CenturyTel Center March 5 Kansas City, MO Sprint Center March 6 Wichita, KS Kansas Coliseum March 7 Omaha, NE Qwest Arena March 9 Denver, CO Pepsi Arena March 11 San Jose, CA HP Pavilion March 13 Anaheim, CA Honda Center April 10 Charlottesville, VA JP Jones Arena April 12 State College, PA Bryce Jordan Center April 17 Charleston, SC N. Charleston Coliseum April 18 Charlotte, NC BobCats Arena April 19 Raleigh, NC RBC Center April 24-25 Gwinnett, GA Gwinnett Center With additional dates including: Sacramento Peoria Baltimore Charleston Lexington **** Amy's Kitchen **** "Chocolate Peanut Treats" 1.) 3/4 c Graham Cracker
Crumbs
2.) 1/2 c Butter, melted 3.) 2 c Powdered Sugar 4.) 1/2 c Chunky Peanut Butter 5.) 1 c Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips Preparation:
In a bowl, combine cracker crumbs and
butter, mix well.
Stir in sugar and peanut butter. Press into a greased 9 inch square pan. In a microwave or double boiler, melt the chocolate chips and stir until smooth. Spread over peanut butter layer. Chill for 30 minutes. Cut into squares. Chill until firm, about 30 minutes longer. Store airtight in refrigerator.
Happy birthday to the Corvette.
Born in 1953, the sportster
Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are
believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright
on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection8234 ~ Thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com |
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