Since my husband and I were in a hurry to get to the movies, I quickly
threw on some old jeans and a sweatshirt. As we stood in line for tickets,
I passed the time by making fun of the outfits worn by people nearby.
One man sported a bright pink sweater, for example, and a girl near him
was wearing odd shoes. Realizing I was being nasty, I joked to my
husband, "I am the fashion police, you know."
He stepped back looked me over and said. "You must be deep undercover."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On one of his pastoral visits, a minister noticed fifteen holes
cut in a door and inquired what they were for. "We have fifteen
cats, and that's for them to go out through," the man of the house
explained.

"Well, why do you need fifteen holes? Can't they all go out
through the same hole one by one?" questioned the minister.

"Friend," said the fellow, "when my wife says 'scat,' she means
it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Atta boy
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass
surgeries.
A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate
cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a
jet engine,I take 40 different medications that
make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation,
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends.
But..... Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and
therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit
back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while
I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing... You should see the
back of mine!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She was not a blonde
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change
his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call
asked where Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not
stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This happened to me several years ago. The phone rang and I picked it
up. It was my wife, Kitty, on the other end. She informed me that she
was having problems printing out a report on the computer. The system
was locked up and would not respond to the keyboard or the mouse. I told
her reboot the system. She did. I heard the printer go through the
startup cycle. I asked her to describe what the computer was doing.
Her: "The computer is on, the monitor light is on, and the printer is
on!"
Me: "What is on the screen?" Her: "A box with the instruction: install
Kickstart 2.0x." Me: "Kickstart? When did we get an Amiga?" Her: "About
six months ago? What's the problem?" Me: "We have an Atari, and we've
had it for 18 months." Her: "What???" (high pitched squeak) "Sorry,
wrong number!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding
the chickens fascinated him. Early one morning, he caught his
first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard.

Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.

"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own
stamp. That shows you how strange life is for racehorses.

You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a
race, you wind up as the glue on the back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If he starts to cry, you'll have to leave the theater," a movie- theater
usher warned a young couple with an infant, "but you can ask for
your money back,"
Thirty minutes into the film the husband whispered to his wife, "What
do you think?"
"This film is a waste of time,."
"I agree. Why not wake the baby up?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm working as a tech support person at a Finnish newspaper printing and
publication house, and we have several reporters that submit their files
via a dial-in modem line directly to our layout system. Once one of the
reporters wanted to call the tech support because the modem wasn't
answering his calls, but the call was answered by a computer illiterate.
Reporter: "It seems that...eh, modem's out again." Computer Illiterate:
"Oh, just a minute. I'll go look for him." He proceeded to page the
whole company through the central P.A. system. Computer Illiterate: "Mr.
Modem, Mr. Modem, there's a call for you." My co-worker intercepts,
trying hard to keep a straight face.
Co-Worker: "Mr. Modem is on vacation. He won't be back till August." The
computer illiterate returns to the phone and tells the reporter that our
modem is on vacation till August.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far
away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and
send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got
another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some
incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called
his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad.
So I rented him a tuxedo."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tell Me This Won't Happen to Us