While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically
      hit by a truck and dies.

      Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

      "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
      there is a problem.

      We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
      so we're not sure what to do with you."

      "No problem, just let me in," says the woman.

      "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
      What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then
      you can choose where to spend eternity."

      "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
      senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter
      escorts her to the elevator.

      And she goes down, down, down to Hell.

      The doors open,and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf
      course.

      In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her
      friends and other politicians who had worked with her.

      Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug
      her,and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
      expense of the people.

      They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

      Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
      good time dancing and telling jokes.

      They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is
      time to go.

      Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

      The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St
      Peter is waiting for her.

      "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

      So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
      moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

      They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have
      gone by, and St. Peter returns.

      "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.

      Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

      She reflects for a minute and then answers:

      "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful,
      but I think I would be better off in Hell."

      So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down,
      down to Hell.

      Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a
      barren land covered with waste and garbage.

      She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
      putting it in black bags.

      And it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable.

      The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

      "I don't understand," stammers the senator.

      "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate
      lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time.

      Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look
      miserable."

      The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
      campaigning... today you voted for us."
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and
      found Rodney a client. "I think this one will really move
      said the broker, it's only $1 a share now." he told Rodney

      "OK buy me 1000 shares," said Rodney.

      The next day the stock was at $2. Rodney called the broker
      and said, "you were right, give me 5000 more shares".
      The next day Rodney looked in the paper and the stock was
      at $4. He ran to the phone and called the broker, "get me
      10,000 more shares" "Great" said the broker.

      The next day Rodney looked in the paper and the stock was
      at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days,
      he phoned and told the broker, "Sell all my shares."

      The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying
      that stock."
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Years ago, while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends
      of mine, the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom
      sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the
      hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as
      well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and
      showed the cat was a member of the family.

      The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation,
      everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed
      at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools
      were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it
      would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead.

      As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the
      floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God,
      it's the mushroom sauce!"

      We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our
      stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous
      mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. We we got
      back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us,
      and licking her newborn kittens.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three blondes were applying for the last
available position on the Montana
Highway Patrol. The captain conducting the
interview looked at the three of
them and said,

"So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The captain got up,
opened a file drawer and pulled
out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened
it up and pulled out a
picture, and said, "To be a trooper, you have
to be able to detect. You must
be able to notice things such as distinguishing
features and oddities such
as scars, etc"

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of
the first blonde and withdrew
it after about 2 seconds.

"Now", he said, "Did you notice any
distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He
has only one eye!"

The captain shook his head and said, "Of course
he has only one eye in this
picture! It's a profile of his face! You're
dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out
of the office. The captain
then turned to the second blonde, stuck the
photo in her face for 2 seconds,
pulled it back and said,

"What about you? Notice anything unusual or
outstanding about this man?"

Yes! He only has one ear!"

The captain put his head in his hand and
exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I
just told the other lady? This is a profile of
the man's face!" Of course
you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"
The second blonde sheepishly
walked out of the office.

The captain turned his attention to the third
and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He
flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying
"All right. Did you notice
anything distinguishing or unusual about this
man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact
lenses."

The captain frowned, took another look at the
picture and began looking at
some of the papers in the folder. He looked up
at the blonde with a puzzled
expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With
only one eye and one ear, he
certainly can't wear glasses!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking
spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very
slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him
the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his
head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at
himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised
his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the
driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you
would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take
the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman, named Sue, renewing her driver's license at the County
Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her
occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify
herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a
job, or are you just a .....?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't
list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the
recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day
I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town
Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient,
and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official
Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do
not know...The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate
in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk
paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though
she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant
words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask,"
said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself
reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother
doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would
have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole
darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day,
(24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most
run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction
rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as
she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the
door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new
career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old
baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal
pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another
mother."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a
title on the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        A German has been jailed for declaring his parents dead 40 times
in order to get charity hand-outs. The 31-year-old prevailed upon
churches and individuals to part with (about $7,300) in total to ease
the pain of his mother's or father's "passing," a court spokesman told
reporters.
        He was sentenced to three years in jail for 40 successful acts
of fraud. The litany of faked deaths came to an end when a woman he
approached for a hand-out was his parents' attorney.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hmmm...Wonder if this will work on my wife
My wife had been trying to teach our big dog, Oscar, not to eat
the food she put out for our cat, Sammy and our little dog, Ling.
Oscar would wolf down his food and then proceed to finish off the
meals of the slower eaters.

She will not punish them, she uses praise and reward methods,
which eventually work, but not fast enough to suit me. I insisted
on taking over and whenever Oscar went for the food of the others,
I simply swatted and scolded him and soon the problem was solved.
At least that one was.

One evening, when she fed them, she watched, while both Sammy and
Ling rushed to Oscar's dish and started eating while he sat and
whimpered, not daring to stop them.

I guess I over trained him, my wife made me feel like a dog for
what she calls "pet abuse".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's something I always suspected and it turns out to be true.
City officials admitted today the pedestrian crossing buttons on
stoplights have been deactivated for years. They're not even
connected! Pushing them does absolutely nothing at all.

Kind of like the same feeling you get when you walk out of a
voting booth in Florida.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A law professor asked his class the following:
"What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?"
A blonde law school student answered: "An illegal is a sick bird."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a coffee
and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit for hours
discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very
negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and
clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist."

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to
Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you
looking so worried?"

Moishe replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you like news from outer space? The Mars Rover has found
evidence of water and salt.

You know what this means? At one point mars supported margaritas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town
but are confronted by a policeman.
"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the
policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said
"no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer".

The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H
Smith".

The third-an Aggie grad-said "My name is Ken.....Tucky Fried
Chicken"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the early 60s I was assigned to the 55th Air Rescue Squadron at
Prestwick, Scotland. In the interest of community relations, we
had a gathering of Scottish people as guests in our club.

I noticed an older lady with an empty glass and asked her if I
could get her another drink.

She said, "Yes, please, I'm drinking Gin and Sweet Vermouth.
Please ask the barman not to put any ice in it, it's giving me
heartburn."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple years ago I went to a bar with some friends. Above the
bar I noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent
Condition. Make Offer."

So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?"

He said, "Oh, about three to four pounds."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Overheard in a restaurant:

SHE: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a
nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.

HE: Are you describing the wine or your mother?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them
into the hamper. He looked puzzled, and I explained, You know;
it's the place where we put our dirty clothes before they're
ashed.
My son picked up his things, trotted into my bedroom, and threw
his clothes on the floor... on his dad's side of the bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does it mean when all the socks in the laundry match, with
none left over?
You're now losing them in pairs!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology, and
the othera retired professor of history. Their wives had talked
them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills.

They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the
sun set. The history professor said to the psychology
professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology said,
"Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Texas Professor asked his students if they could
use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence.
An English Major raised his hand and answered with,
"De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blind man, deaf man and the half-paralyzed man went on a
pilgrimage to a healing spring.
The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and
exclaimed "I can see! I can see!"
The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and
exclaimed "I can hear! I can hear!"
The half-paralyzed guy drove his wheelchair into the water and
yelled "I got new tires!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day my wife and I decided to take our two kids fishing down to
the river. We had been there awhile and my son, who was about
4yrs. old, was playing along the banks edge. The water was about 5
feet deep near the bank where I was fishing. I always fish with
nightcrawlers and crowded tails and I was baiting a hook to cast
back out with a crawdad tail. I had the hook and a cigarette in
one hand and a peeled crawdad tail in the other. My son, who can
not stand to get his head wet, not so much as a drop of water, was
playing by the bank in front of me. All of a sudden he tumbled
head first into the water and went completely under. Naturally I
droped every thing and shoved my cigarette into my mouth, reached
under the water and jerked him back out. Amazingly he didn't have
any water on his head. From the neck down he was soaked. I turned
around and his mother and sister started laughing and so I started
laughing also. That is, until I realized they were laughing at
me. I had thrown down the hook and cigarette and shoved the peeled
crawdad tail in my mouth instead of the cigarette.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's
effort: a sheet of paper, blank apart from his name and Act II
Macbeth. Scene V. Line 28. The teacher reached for his Shakespeare
and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the
fifth scene of the second act read, "I cannot do this bloody
thing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long
time.
After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the
Indian how long he had been in there.
The Indian replied, I've seen many moons!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just ask my wife...
   Habits are like cork or lead.They tend to keep
you up or to hold you down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged it has
covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers.
For the past five years, auto makers were installing black boxes in
four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before a fatal crash.
They were surprised to find that in 45 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were: "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of Alabama, Arkansas, Missouri, Oklahoma and Texas
were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my
beer and watch this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
      The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
      The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get
me lost!"
      The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his
chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
      "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost
before you will."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed The MD80 landed, rolled
out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee.
       Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
       Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

**** ON THIS DAY ****
Very Important List
The most destructive habit . . . Worry

The greatest Joy . . . Giving

The greatest loss . . . Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work . . . Helping others

The ugliest personality trait . . . Selfishness

The most endangered species . . . Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource . . . Our youth

The greatest "shot in the arm" . . . Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome . . . Fear

The most effective sleeping pill . . . Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease . . . Excuses

The most powerful force in life . . . Love

The most dangerous pariah . . . A gossiper

The world's most incredible computer . . . The brain

The worst thing to be without . . . Hope

The deadliest weapon . . . The tongue

The two most power-filled words . . . "I Can"

The greatest asset . . . Faith

The most worthless emotion . . . Self-pity

The most beautiful attire . . . SMILE!

The most prized possession . . . Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication . . . Prayer

The most contagious spirit . . . Enthusiasm

The most important thing in life . . . GOD

*******************************************

T-Shirts!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny681.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny681.html">Here!</a>

Eureka!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny269.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny269.html">Here!</a>

It's No Use...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny270.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny270.html">Here!</a>

PAY ATTENTION PLease
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny682.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny682.html">Here!</a>

End Of Story
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny683.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny683.html">Here!</a>

Firing The Cleaning Lady
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/027.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/027.htm"> Here </a>

The World Without Engineers
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/028.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/028.htm"> Here </a>

Floor Exercise
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny837.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny837.html">Here!</a>

Over the Hill
http://www.angel9oh7.com/gboverthehill.html