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Subject: Welcome to The Funnies U.S.A. The Funnies are
strictly a Double opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM  From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's
way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG I always know God won't give me more than I can
handle,
TUESDAY JANUARY 29,2008 There are so many lawyers in the world, that if you were to lay 1. Your 5-year-old kid getting pushed down by another 5-year-old kid
is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police.
2. If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the
answer. 3. If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we
get suspended. When is the last time you got three days off (without pay)
for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
4. We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had
two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light. 5. When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its
lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left. 6. When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go five MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please. 7. If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle cop, go
buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds.
8. When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a
suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask
for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he
tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.
9. Here's how to get out of a ticket. Don't break the law.
10. If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting
pulled over. In one week I pulled over ten cars for minor traffic violations. Five out of ten had no vehicle insurance. Three out of ten had suspended driver's licenses. Two out of ten had warrants . One out of ten had felony warrants. One was a known sex offender with his twelve-year- old niece in the car without her mother's knowledge. 11. If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not
greet the officer with, "What seems to be the problem officer?" 12. We get coffee breaks too.
13. When you're the victim of a burglary, take the time you
spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken. 14. Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that
other cops don't like them either. 15. If it's nighttime and you're driving a vehicle with tinted
windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin color. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down. 16. Every time you hear on the news about people running away
from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman. 17. Yes, it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets.
Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either. 18. If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone
knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as twenty patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets. Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down. 19. Police work is...writing reports.
20. If you rob a gas station you're only going to get about
$100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100. 21. In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten
minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show COPS. 22. Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be
polite and professional until that time. 23. I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail
for domestic violence, so NO, it's not always the man. 24. People love firefighters but hate us.
25. If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
26. Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops'
salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard, there are four copies. 27. Police Officers...our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today's Links:
Astronomy Picture of the Day http://antwrp. RadioLovers. http://www.radiolov Etch-a-Sketch
Art by Jeff Gagliardi
Game Egg Catcher
Catch all of the eggs as they fall from the chickens.
George Jones Singing a Message
http://mywebpages.comcast.net:80/singingman7/TNOTW.htm Fan Nation http://www.fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/nfl?cnn=yes Astrophotography http://www.astropix.com/HTML/SHOWCASE/SHOWCASE.HTM How to Draw http://danidraws.com/2007/12/06/50-facial-expressions-and- Cedge's HTML Cheat Sheet http://cedesign.net/help2j.htm Alenka's Printables http://alenkasprintables.com/free_printables.shtml Look at ME look at MEEE!! http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1193.html <a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1193.html">Here!</a> The World Without Engineers http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/028.htm <a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/028.htm"> Here </a> Wow!! You think it's dead?? http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny546.html <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny546.html">Here</a> Updates for Proverbs... http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny547.html <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny547.html">Here</a> Many years ago, when the earth was young.... http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny548.html <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny548.html">Here</a> Scenes from "The Passion of the Christ" & Movie Trailer http://members.aol.com/walkswithjesus8/Page30.html Moments In Time http://www.angelfire.com/nv2/winnie311/poems/moment.html Going To The Yugo Convention http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/063.htm Joe refused to eat sushi because it looks fishy. You can join The Funnies FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com censored About Free Rice Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site http://www.freerice.com/about.html Poverty.com No one should ever go hungry....Jim Pennies from heaven are soon followed by a tax collector from
hell.
**** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -29- 1908 - Al Stricklin, piano player with Bob Wills’ Texas Playboys, was
born in Antioch, Texas.
1917 - Lloyd Wilson Perryman, “Sons of the Pioneers,” born Ruth,
Arkansas.
1928 - Little Jimmy Sizemore born Paintsville, Kentucky. Little Jimmy
became a cast member of the Grand Ole Opry at age five, working with his father
Asher Sizemore.
1943 - Tanya Tuckers parents, Beau Tucker and Juanita Cunningham, were
both 15 years old when they married in 1943.
1944 - Johnny Wakley, singer, guitarist, born Hollywood,
California.
1944 - Patsy Sledd singer, and pianist, was born Patricia Randolph in
Falcon, Missouri. Patsy's first chart single was on the Mega label, and it
charted in September 1972. "I'm Still Your Fool" was written by George Jones,
and Roger Miller.
1954 - Theron E. Hale, age 70, Grand Ole Opry member died
today.
1957 - Irlene Mandrell was born in Corpus Christi,
Texas.
1959 - Ray Price recorded "Heartaches By The Number" at Owen Bradley's
Studio in Nashville. Harlan Howard wrote the song, and the Columbia single
topped out at #2, remaining on the charts for 40 weeks. This was Ray's 19th
chart single for Columbia.
1965 - Sonny James’ “You’re The Only World I Know,” topped the
charts.
1969 - Bobby Gentry & Glen Campbell's Capitol album "Gentry/Campbell"
was certified Gold by the RIAA.
1969 - “The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour,” debuted on CBS-TV. The final
show was aired June 13, 1972.
1972 - Bobby Goldsboro and Susan Raye were featured guests on “Hee
Haw.”
1973 - Donna Fargo's Dot album "The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A."
was certified Gold by the RIAA.
1977 - Kenny Rogers “Lucile” debuted on the
charts.
1983 - Kenny Rogers & Sheena Easton’s #1 duet “We’ve Got Tonight”
charted 1983.
1986 - TNN’s Talk Show “Crook and Chase,”
debuted.
1988 - Randy Travis’ Warner Bros. album “Always & Forever,” was
certified double platinum by the RIAA
1990 - EMI America released “Legendary Masters: Eddie
Cochran.”
1996 - Garth Brooks refused to accept an American Music Award naming him
Favorite Overall Artist. Garth felt that Hootie and the Blowfish deserved the
award.
2002 - Jeff Bates gave a showcase for RCA executives, and was offered a
contract.
2004 - Martina McBride and Alan Jackson opened their joint tour in
Moline, Illinois.
2005 - Christy Sutherland appeared on the Grand Ole Opry 2005. This was
the first time she appeared on the Opry when it was being broadcast from the
Ryman Auditorium.
2006 - The Telestra Country Music Festival in Tamworth, Australia, was
held the 20th~29th.
**** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS **** Sara Evans will perform at Super Bowl Tailgate shindig Sara Evans will be performing for VIPs at the NFL Super Bowl XLII Tailgate Party outside of the University of Phoenix Stadium on Super Sunday, Feb. 3. After performing a full concert for those in attendance, Evans will join Willie Nelson on-stage during his set to sing the Nelson classic "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys." The duet will be televised on the FOX pre-game festivities. Evans will be attending her first Super Bowl game with her son Avery and friends. "I'm absolutely thrilled to be performing at the Super Bowl," said Evans. "It's the first time for me so I'm taking my son, his friend and my nephew with me, and we're going to have the best time. And of course, getting to sing with Willie Nelson is definitely one of the high points to my entire career." Evans' second
single, "Some Things Never Change," from her recent "Greatest Hits" album was
just released to country radio. The song explores the various ways that love is
displayed and was co-written by Evans, her brother Matt Evans, Hillary Lindsay
and John Shanks.
Carrie Underwood will perform at Grammys Carrie Underwood will perform at the Grammys in February along with superstars Beyonce, Aretha Franklin and the Food Fighters. Underwood also will join Mary J. Blige, the Clark Sisters, Israel And New Breed, and Trin-I-Tee 5:7 in a special gospel segment. Underwood, who has won two Grammys, received nods for Best
Female Country Vocal Performance ("Before He Cheats") and Best Country
Collaboration With Vocals ("Oh Love" with Brad Paisley).
The Grammys will be held Sunday, Feb. 10 at the Staples Center
in Los Angeles from 8 - 11:30 p.m. eastern/Pacific.
Questions have arisen about what performers would even show up
to the Grammys because of the ongoing screenwriters strike. The Grammys show is
scripted by the striking writers.
Cracker Barrel Old Country Store and the #1 Band in Country Music History Alabama Make Critics’ Smile (Nashville, TN) – Last November, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store and the legendary country music group Alabama came together to release the band’s final album. Alabama, the band with 42 #1 Hits brought their live album entitled, Alabama: The Last Stand exclusively to Cracker Barrel because it seemed like a perfect fit. “The folks that eat at Cracker Barrel are the same folks that have attended our shows and listened to our music since we started,” says electric guitar and fiddle player, Jeff Cook. “We couldn’t think of a better place to sale our last record!” Since releasing the album on November 13th, the guys and Cracker Barrel have received nothing but praise from reviewers. About.com says of the album, “You can hear some of Alabama's biggest hits performed live with an often unique delivery that won't be found on other albums.” Of the album, Country Weekly’s Chris Neal writes, “…they’re [the band] goosed along throughout by the enthusiasm of an audience that’s audibly savoring its last chance to hear this – and to express its adoration for the guys who sang them.” Alabama’s bass player Teddy Gentry believes lots of the album’s success comes from the energetic live audiences that allowed them all to play their hearts out for this final project. “All of those people that you hear yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs on this album…they’re the ones that got us pumped to the roof so that we could play like no one else!” said Teddy. The Nashville Muse’s Doak Turner wrote, “There was nothing like seeing Alabama in concert – you knew you would get your money’s worth with those awesome harmonies, the showmanship and excitement of the crowd. Those memories and smiles will come right back to you when listening to this great collection of our favorite Alabama songs on, The Last Stand.” Sticks and Stones Magazine gave 4.5 out of 5 boots and said of the album, “Like timeless holiday songs you grew up with, you love it each time you hear it. With a captivating force that leaps off of the CD and grabs your attention, “The Last Stand” truly makes you feel like you’re on the front row at the concert with Alabama.” The band’s front man Randy Owen remembers enjoying recording the album. In a recent interview with Challenge Magazine Randy said, “I remember seeing the lights on the crowd when we did ‘Feels So Right.’” “We started the song with a piano and the crowd went wild when we got to the melody.” Three years ago, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store began releasing exclusive music in their stores. Cracker Barrel has sold more than 3 million records with big name artists in the country music industry including Alison Krauss and Union Station, Josh Turner, Charlie Daniels, Merle Haggard and Lonestar. Alabama: The Last Stand is available exclusively in all Cracker Barrel Old Country Store locations and online at www.crackerbarrel.com. Fans win as industry eases protection of online music Labels study how to profit in digital era By NAOMI SNYDER • Staff Writer • January 27, 2008 When Rachael Adams buys a song online, she feels like she owns it. That's why she's perplexed that the music industry has made it tough to play her songs on the multiple computers and music players that have become a part of her life. "It just frustrates me,'' said Adams, a 26-year-old graphic artist in Nashville. Record labels have been encoding digital music files for the past several years to ward off piracy. People who bought music online were limited in the number of times they could copy or transfer music between music players. The same restrictions don't exist on CDs, however. After years of annoying fans who carefully buy music legally online with such maneuvers, the industry is moving away from such tactics. "What the labels learned — it took them about seven to eight years to learn — consumers were not going to pay them to complicate their lives," saidPhil Leigh, senior analyst at research company Inside Digital Media in Tampa, Fla. The growing shift is seen as a victory for consumers. But music labels have trodden cautiously as they try to figure out how to continue making money in an Internet age that continues to threaten overall music sales. In 2007, album sales, including digital, fell 9.5 percent compared with the previous year. Amazon.com launched a new site last fall to sell unrestricted music and has since managed to sign on all the major music labels — Universal Music Group, Sony BMG Music Entertainment, Warner Music Group and EMI Group. The music sells for as little as 89 cents per song and most albums sell at a price range from $5.99 to $8.99. Last week, the music-oriented social network Last.fm launched an ad-supported Web site where music lovers can listen to, although not download, entire songs, not just snippets, for free. A key part of the new service involved striking a deal with all the major labels to make their music available on the service. Many independent labels have offered their music for streaming for years as a way to promote artists. In a memo to employees last month, Warner Music Group Chairman and CEO Edgar Bronfman Jr. said: "By removing a barrier to the sale and enjoyment of audio down loads, we bring an energy-sapping debate to a close." MP3 gains acceptance The music industry's apparent willingness to offer consumers more control over digital music appears to be good news for people such as Adams, who has purchased mostly protected music through Apple's iTunes during the past two years. Recently, she tried to download a song she had bought and was told she had ex ceeded the limit on the number of computers on which it will play. Music labels are moving away from those protections, called digital rights management, or DRM, which typically limits the number of times downloaded songs can be copied. The industry in creasingly is embracing the MP3, a type of unprotected file that can be copied multiple times and played on any number of players, from BlackBerrys to iPods. Mark Ott, 25, an account manager at an online marketing firm in Nashville, once had to call a technician at Apple just to get his iTunes music to play on a new computer. "It's kind of like you're telling your customers that you don't trust them,'' Ott said. Amazon.com recently launched a new online music service that sells only unrestricted digital files, in the widely compatible MP3 format. ITunes has been selling label EMI Group's music in MP3 format, al though Apple has said many labels still limit how much unprotected music they will sell. Universal has begun selling MP3 files through other online retailers such as Best Buy and Wal-Mart, in part to challenge iTunes' dominance of the digital market. When announcing that part of its catalog would be sold on Amazon, Sony BMG's president of global digital business and U.S. sales, Thomas Hesse, said it was the "newest element of our ongoing campaign to bring our music to fans wherever they happen to be." EMI Music spokeswoman Jeanne Meyer said that the company was the first major label to move away from digital rights management and that the industry has had to adapt to changes in the marketplace in a relatively short amount of time. Without providing figures, she said the label was pleased with early results from the sale of unprotected music, particularly full album sales. The move away from digital rights management is a "white flag" of surrender for the music in dustry, said Justyn Baker, executive di rector of li censing and digital service at Naxos of America in Franklin. The company is a classical and jazz label that has sold unprotected digital music on emusic.com since 2005. "I've never believed in charging someone and then restricting what someone … could do with it," said Baker, who admitted the classical industry has had fewer problems with illegal downloads. The industry has not given up, however, on attempts to control fans' sharing of music. Continued fears London-based recording industry trade group IFPI issued a report last week calling on Internet service providers to do more to protect the industry's profits by filtering out illegal downloads. It congratulated French President Nicolas Sarkozy for brokering a deal with providers to shut down persistent copyright violators. Many in the recording industry hope digital-tracking technologies such as watermarking will help monitor how many times songs are copied and shared. And even though record labels are beginning to sell unprotected versions of their music, many have not offered their entire catalogs. Universal, in fact, called its sale of MP3 files at Amazon.com and other retailers a "test" to see the effect on piracy. The major record labels still have much to worry about. U.S. album sales fell 9.5 percent last year from 2006, even counting digital sales, according to Nielsen SoundScan Inc. Sales of individual digital tracks climbed 45 percent but still didn't turn around overall sales, as digital makes up just one-quarter of music sales. Technology firm Jupiter Research estimates that physical U.S. music sales, made up mostly of CDs and vinyl records, will shrink by $2.7 billion to $5.7 billion in sales in 2012, while digital download sales will gain only $1.7 billion in that time frame. Although the industry blames illegal downloading, Jupiter Research analyst Michael Greene says increasing competition from other forms of entertainment and falling prices also are factors. "Wal-Mart has driven down CD prices while putting many smaller retailers with higher prices out of business,'' he said. ITunes also has been instrumental in lowering prices, by insisting that people should be able to buy one song and not the entire album. Some are predicting that music will be come increasingly free online, supported by Web advertising. But how major music labels and their artists will be able to generate enough revenue to make up for lost sales has not been completely worked out. "Anyone who claims to know one model and that's the future is going to be incorrect," said EMI's Jeanne Meyer. "Whether it's subscription, whether it's mobile or a hybrid, the point is we need to make it a really good consumer experience … and to make sure the artists who create it are compensated." **** Amy's Kitchen **** HOT N" HONEY CHICKEN WINGS 17 chicken wings 3/4 cup Picante Sauce 2/3 cup honey 1/3 cup soy sauce 1/4 cup dijon-style mustard 3 Tbsp. vegetable oil 2 Tbsp. ginger, finely shredded 1-1/2 tsp. finely shredded orange peel DIRECTONS: Cut off and discard wing tips; cut each wing in half at joint. Place in 13 x 9 inch baking dish. Combine remaining ingredients; mix well. Pour over chicken wings. Cover and refrigerate at least 6 hours or overnight. Place chicken wings and sauce in a single layer on foil-lined 15 x 10 inch jelly roll pan. Bake at 400 degrees 40 to 45 minutes or until well browned. Serve warm or at room temperature with additional Picante Sauce. Yield: 34 Appetizers
2.) 6 large cloves garlic, crushed 3.) 1-1/2 teaspoons dried thyme leaves 4.) 1 teaspoon cracked black pepper Preparation:
1. Preheat oven to 350°F
(175°C).
2. Combine garlic, thyme
leaves and black pepper. Press evenly into surface of beef roast.
3. Place roast, fat side
up, on rack in shallow roasting pan. Do not add water or cover roast.
4. Roast approximately
2-1/4 to 2-1/2 hours. Use instant read thermometer and remove when internal
temperature reaches 135°F (55-60°C) for medium rare or 150°F (65°C) for
medium.
5.) Tent loosely
with foil and let stand 15 minutes prior to carving.
Yield: Makes 8 to 12 Servings.
**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** Why are basketball players called cagers? LAST CALL
Y'ALL A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I
assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great
importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the
man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
I am doing better, I actually made it to the store and post office today. SEE YA BUDS HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR! I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth." AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ Hey, Let's be careful out there *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ PLEASE Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more. Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here. EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME The Funnies are strictly an opt-in service. We do not sell, lease, loan, or give our subscribers' addresses to anyone for any reason. Our features are intended to be for entertainment only. Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are
believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright
on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM . I am in full compliance 3114 or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection,Checked by AVG Free Edition. ~ Thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com |
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