|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
| << January29, 2008 - The Funnies |
January31, 2008 - The Funnies >> |
|
The Funnies are
strictly a DOUBLE opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM  From Carlisle
,Indiana
U.S.A. est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's
way of taking care of us."
These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG I always know God won't give me more than I can
handle,
WEDNESDAY JANUARY
30,2008
For my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone
directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox." As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, "What color is your house?" The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic
jam to clear,
came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says 'Yield', not "give up!" ************************************************* My thank to Da Mouse **** ON THIS DAY **** The Carpenter Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch. Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding that grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence. One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work," he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help you?" "Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us, then he took his bulldozer to the river levee, and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence, an 8-foot fence, so I won't need to see his place anymore. Cool him down, anyhow." The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger, and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you." The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready, then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing and nailing. About sunset, when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work, handrails and all, and the neighbor, his younger brother, was standing at the other end, his hand outstretched, and said, "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done!" The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've got a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother. "I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more bridges to build." ~ Author Unknown **************************************************** Today's Links:
Fixitnow.com Samurai Appliance Repair
Man
http://fixitnow. Folk Remedies http://www.health91 World Wide Words
18 Unexpected Organizers
Game Slingette
Sling, flick and snap through 20
levels of puzzling action fun!
Groundhog Animations Give Me A
Sign You can join The Funnies **** COUNTRY CALENDAR **** -30- 1931 - Harold Ralph Morrison, bluegrass musician, comedian, born Highlonseome, Missouri. 1934 - Melvin Endsley 1934~2004, singer, songwriter, guitarist, and recording artist born Drasco, Arkansas. 1937 - Jeanne Pruett was born "Norma Jean Bowman," in Pell City, Alabama. Joined the Grand Ole Opry in 1973. 1938 - Norma Jean, born "Norma Jean Beasler," rural Wellston, Oklahoma. 1940 - Jerry Bradley, music executive, born Nashville, Tennessee. 1956 - Doug Kahan of "The Gibson Miller Band," was born in Detroit, Michigan. 1956 - Sun Records session pianist Jerry Lee Lewis played on Billy Lee Riley’s single "Red Hot." 1958 - Merle Haggard was found guilty on a burglary charge in California. 1966 - Red Sovine’s "Giddyup Go" topped the charts. 1970 - Tammy Cochran singer, songwriter, and Epic recording artist born in Austinburg, Ohio. 1981 - The American Music Awards were broadcast from Los Angeles. Winners in the Country music category included Barbara Mandrell, The Eagles, The Statler Brothers, The Gambler, Kenny Rogers took home four trophies. 1985 - Randy Travis recorded his first #1 record for Warner Records today. "On The Other Hand" hit the charts in August, climbed all the way to the top and remained on the chart for 35 weeks. Paul Overstreet and Don Schlitz, two of Music City's finest wrote the song. 1988 - Kathy Mattea’s first #1 Mercury single "Goin’ Gone" charted. Pat Alger, Bill Dale, and Fred Koller wrote the song, and it remained on the chart for 24 weeks. 1989 - Willie Nelson received the Award of Merit from the American Music Awards this evening. 1994 - Ott Devine 1910~1994, WSM executive, Grand Ole Opry manager, died at age 83. 1996 - BNA released John Anderson’s album "Paradise." The album topped out at #6 on the chart. 1996 - RCA released "The Essential Jim Ed Brown & The Browns." 2000 - Travis Tritt performed at the Super Bowl pre-game show, and Faith Hill sang the National Anthem. 2002 - Freddy Fender was released from a San Antonio Hospital, after successful kidney transplant surgery. 2005 - Connie Sue Landers, recording artist with Mercury, and Roulette Records died at age 60. 2006 - Giantslayer released Danny Green's debut single "Martin Leedy." **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****Charlie Daniels and National Bankers Trust Make a Stand for Truckers Country music legend Charlie Daniels is partnering with National Bankers Trust to promote fair financial practices in the trucking industry. The sponsorship coincides with the release of Charlie's latest CD Deuces and will feature Charlie Daniels as a spokesperson and advocate for ethical, reasonable and sound financial services for truck drivers and owners. "Truckers deserve the chance to build the American dream from the ground up, just like everybody else. It's high time for truckers to take a stand and demand a fair deal from factoring companies that lock you in and take you down, and have their money actually work for them instead of just the factoring companies," said Charlie Daniels. "We're thrilled to be joining Charlie Daniels in support of responsible and fair financing for the trucking industry," said Dudley Boyd, CEO, National Bankers Trust. "Like any other business, small trucking companies must have access to financial services that maximize their cash flow today and give them tools to accumulate profit for growth and ultimately self-capitalization." Charlie will be promoting fair financial practices in the trucking industry through a number of different advertising and public relations initiatives including radio ads. Charlie has a long history of supporting the trucking industry and is the official voice of Sirius Radio's Road Dog channel 147, a 24-hour channel geared toward professional drivers and trucking culture. Licensing issues delay free music service By EMMA VANDORE • and ALEX VEIGA • January 29, 2008 CANNES, France � A distributor of Internet file-swapping software abruptly postponed the launch of its free online music service until it can finalize music licensing deals. Qtrax's ambitious music service promised unlimited, advertising-supported music downloads with the blessing of the major recording companies. That claim began to unravel just hours before Qtrax's scheduled debut Monday when Warner Music Group Corp. issued a statement that it had not authorized the firm to distribute its artists' music. Other major record labels soon followed. In a statement, Qtrax President and Chief Executive Allan Klepfisz said the launch of the service would be put off "for a short time." He also maintained that the service had the support of "rights-holders." A Baby On The Way For Dixie Chick Martie Maguire LOS ANGELES Dixie Chick Martie Maguire is pregnant. She tells People magazine she's expecting a girl. She says she's very excited about the new baby. The 38-year-old and her husband already have twin girls who were born in April 2004. She jokes, "Carrying one instead of two will be much easier." She says she feels good now, but admits she had a rough start. Joe Nichols Opens Up About Rehab And Marriage Country Music World In many ways, Joe Nichols had his best year last year and also his worst. In the span of three months, he released his new album, got married and checked into rehab for substance abuse. In an exclusive interview with CMT Insider host Katie Cook, Nichols opens up about the past couple of months. He says his wife holds him very accountable and therefore "things needed to be corrected." He says rehab "seemed like the surefire way to do that. Just go into rehab and kick it, you know, and come out a new man." Nichols says it wasn't a particular addiction that drove him to rehab, but more about his weaknesses. He says "Whether it be cigarettes or alcohol, whatever, I was an addictive person. And I had to go get that stuff corrected." Nichols says ending up in rehab was his rock bottom. He says he felt like he embarrassed his family, friends and co-workers. He says "I think I lost 10 pounds the first week of rehab, I cried so much. But it was good to release. It was good to let go of a lot of that -- a lot of that pain." However, Nichols is enduring more trying times. Just last week he announced that his wife had suffered a miscarriage. Fans Can Tell Trisha Yearwood What They Want To Hear On Her Heaven, Heartache, And The Power Of Love Tour Country Music World Trisha Yearwood wants fans to help pick her set list for her "Heaven, Heartache, and The Power of Love Tour." Fans can go to her Web site to request what song they want to hear most on each night of her tour. It can be any song off any of her albums. She'll perform the song with the most requests each night. Each person can submit up to two song choices per night. Voting ends 72 hours before the night of the show. Jack Ingram Likes To Unwind After A Show With A Beer And Maybe A Book Country Music World Beer and books. That's what Jack Ingram says he likes to do to unwind after a show. He tells Country Weekly "I do love having a couple of cold Bud Lights after a show." He says he also likes to read a book. Currently, he's reading a book about the lost boys from Sudan. Tracy Montgomery Takes A Fall For Charity NASHVILLE Eddie Montgomery's wife took a nasty spill on the slopes during a charity event in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Tracy Montgomery tore two ligaments and the meniscus in one knee. It was her first time skiing. She has to have surgery, but is expected to make a full recovery. Montgomery Gentry was in town headlining the 24th annual Country In The Rockies event which benefits the T.J. Martell Foundation. The foundation supports innovative research for leukemia, cancer and AIDS. The event raised $100,000. Jewel Says Being On The Road Gives Her Face A Funny Look MIAMI BEACH, Fla. Jewel says she's suffering from "the Road-Kill effect" She says that's when she gets too little sleep on the road, and her face stops waking up! Jewel, who's in the middle of a radio tour, writes on her MySpace page, that she's too tired and weary from touring to even venture down to the pool at her Miami Beach hotel. She says "I have been touring really hard. As hard as I did on my first album except I'm not 19 anymore, and the lack of sleep definitely gets to me." However, she says "it feels like a fight.... A good fight. A fight for music." Jewel's new album hits stores June 3rd. Leann Rimes Gets Physical Country Music World LeAnn Rimes is definitely not carrying around any extra winter weight, as evidence by her appearance on the March issue of Fitness magazine. She graces the cover in a daring purple bikini. Dwight Yoakam To Perform At Coachella And Stagecoach LOS ANGELES Dwight Yoakam will add some country flavor to the Indie Rock festival Coachella. The festival in Indio, California, is set of the weekend of April 24th-26th. Next month, Yoakam returns home to be inducted into the Kentucky Music Hall Of Fame. The ceremony will be held in Lexington, Kentucky, on February 21st. Melissa Peterman Part Of The Three Musketeers Country Music World Melissa Peterman says she's leaving marks from pinching herself because she can't believe she's getting to open for Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson. Peterman just finished her second weekend touring with the duo. In a diary posting from the road on McEntire's Web site, Peterman says the show just keeps getting better and better. She says "Reba and Kelly are having a ball and I think we are bonding more and more." She says she likes to call the trio the Three Musketeers. And she says the name is likely to stick. As she puts it, "So far I am the only one calling us that but I am sure it is going to catch on. I tend to repeat things until it catches on or someone tells me to shut-up." Deana Carter On Late Night LOS ANGELES Deana Carter performs at The Roxy in Los Angeles tonight. Last night, she performed on CBS' "Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson." She played "Crying" from her latest CD, The Chain. Today's Birthdays: Singer Irlene Mandrell turns 52 today. Actress Judy Norton Taylor who starred on "The Waltons," is 50. By Myra Lopez **** Amy's Kitchen **** White Castle Cheeseburgers 1 pound super-lean ground beef (7 percent fat) 16 dinner rolls 1/2 small onion, minced salt pepper 16 slices fat-free American cheese 1. Prepare the patties by separating the ground beef into 16 1-ounce portions. On a sheet of wax paper, form the portions into square, very thin, 2 1/2-inch patties. Using a small, circular object, such as a straw or the tip of a clean pen cap, create five holes in each patty. Make one hole in the center of the patty and four holes surrounding the first one, with each about half an inch in from each corner. Freeze these patties, still on the wax paper, until firm. 2. Toast the faces of the dinner rolls, either in a hot frying pan over medium heat, or under the oven broiler. 3. In a hot frying pan or skillet preheated over medium heat, arrange tablespoon-size piles of onions, 3 inches apart. Salt and pepper each pile of onions. 4. Spread the onions flat, and then place a frozen beef patty on each pile of onions. Salt each patty. 5. Cook each burger for 4 to 6 minutes. If you made the patties thin enough, steam from the onions will rise around the meat and through the holes in the patty, cooking the meat thoroughly without having to flip it. 6. To build each burger, turn the bottom half of a dinner roll over onto a patty, then hold it down as you scoop a spatula under the meat and onions, and turn the sandwich over onto a plate. 7. Cut a slice of American cheese into 2-inch-square portions and place a square onto the onions on the beef patty. 8. Complete the burger with the top half of the roll. Repeat with the remaining burgers, and serve hot. From Top Secret Recipes Lite , Todd Wilbur, NY: Plume/Penguin, 1998. **** TODAY'S USELESS FACT **** What is the difference between billiards, I'd take the upper -thank you Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are
believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright
on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing3204 ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: JIM4615@JOINK.COM or Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection ~ Thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com |
|
| << January29, 2008 - The Funnies |
January31, 2008 - The Funnies >> |
|
The Funnies Archives Index
|
Subscribe
|
|
|
Archives powered by Zinester's Mailing List Service
Details on The Funnies |
Browse for more newsletters at Zinester's Ezine Directory
Managed by Zinester's Mailing List Management |
