I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

MONDAY MARCH 3,2008
Welcome back

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
The future is in the rearview mirror,
those smiling faces in the back seat.

Winter has its advantages....It's 5° here this morning.
My wife ran in to get the teflon spatula.... she'd spilled
her coffee on the car dashboard, and it froze solid instantly.
She scooped it off like a fudgesicle, no harm done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Thomas laughed when his one-year-old daughter Becca began making
vibrating sounds with her voice as he bounced her on his knee. Thomas
called out to his four-year-old daughter Kara, "Come listen to Becca's
new favorite thing to do. " When he bounced his knee, Becca started
shouting "Aaaaah." When he stopped bouncing, she stopped aahing.
Kara then asked Thomas, "Does you knee have an on/off switch, Daddy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends in
Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering if I
needed to switch trains in Stamford. Walking to the train, I saw a conductor
and asked, "Do I need to change?" "No" he replied immediately. "You're
fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings
are the same color as your outfit. Very coordinated."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with
the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive.
They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested
waters. Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do when
you see a shark?"
Said my son, "Swim faster than my buddy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My hearing had gotten worse, and ultimately I was faced with a decision:
buy a pontoon boat, which I could enjoy all summer, or get a hearing aid.
The choice was obvious...to me at least. However, my sisters did not
approve of the boat. One day during lunch with them, I was having trouble
following the conversation. Finally I leaned over to one of my sisters and
asked what had just been said. "You should have brought along your
pontoon boat," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband met me at the doctor's office for my routine checkup, and
from there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in separate
cars, I arrived at the restaurant first. "One for dinner? asked the hostess.
"No," I replied. "There will be two of us in just a minute." When I saw
the panicky look on the hostess's face, I realized I had forgotten about
my appearance. Anybody could see that I was at least 8 1/2 months
pregnant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lady knocked on the door of his daughter and son-in-law's house.
Her grandson answered the door, saying, "Hi, granny! Daddy saw you
coming. He just said you're all he needs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  What did the blonde say when she looked into  a box of Cheerios?

A.  "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Ma and Pa first arrived on the homestead, Pa installed a
bell on the front porch and told Ma, "If trouble comes while I'm
out in the field a plowin', then you just ring that bell and I'll
come a-runnin'."

The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When he
arrives Ma says, "Them boys are givin me a hard time about doin'
the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter knife in the
molasses without lickin the blade clean first."

Pa says, "You mean I just run all the way in from the fields
for this? Next time it had better be important."

The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again. When
he arrives, his wife is in tears standing over a broke clothes line.
"Pa," she says, "some jackass came ridin' through here on a mule
and ran right through the clothesline and ruint the washin'."

At first Pa was trying to figure out what was ridin' what but then
he yells, "I told you not to ring that bell unless something bad was
goin' on. If this happens again, I'm gonna whap you with a board."

The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbin' up a board,
heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch rail
with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames and
the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot full of arrows.

Pa looks at Ma and says, "Now THAT'S more like it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If patients are more than ten minutes or so late for their appointments at our busy dental clinic, we call them to reschedule. One hectic day, a receptionist noticed that one patient was significantly overdue and she dialed his number. When he answered, he assured her that he had already checked in with one of her colleagues, and was now speaking to her on his cell phone from the hygienist's chair
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"

"I'm 45 years old, your Honor."

The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?"

"I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.

"Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're almost 65."

"But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband."

"Why not?" asked the judge.

"You call that living?" replied Sadie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in early 2002, a young woman named Heather hobbled into a
lawyer's office, on a quest for legal advice. After being greeted
by the all-too-accomodating attorney, she asked, "Is it true that if
I get divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's possessions?"

"In most cases," answered the attorney, "it is true. Are you
getting a divorce?"

"Not yet," replied Heather. "First, I've got to get married!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband announced that he had been fired. He explained that he'd fallen asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.

"But you're such a light sleeper," I said. "I'm surprised the sound of the guy breaking in didn't wake you up."

"I didn't get fired for falling asleep," he confessed, "I was fired for wearing my earplugs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If you're drunk, it   advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it   advises you not to call your old girlfriend. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I sang in the concert choir in high school, we had a
very skillful, operatically-trained director. One day she was
demonstrating tonal and breath control and sang a single note,
perfectly true, with no vibrato, for what seemed to us like five
minutes.

Just as she finished, with no time for her to regain her breath,
a voice from the back of the room piped up, "If this had been a
real emergency...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was shopping in a department store with his small daughter,
when the little girl pulls on his coat sleeve and announces,

"Daddy, I have to go!"

"In a few minutes, sweetie." says the dad.

"But, I've got to go NOW," the little girl insists in a loud voice.

A saleslady standing nearby can't help but hear the conversation and
says,

"I'll take her, sir. It's no problem."

So, as the father watches, the two hurry off hand in hand. When they
return the father asks his daughter,

"Did you thank the nice lady for being so kind?"

"Why should I thank her?" asks the little girl in a loud voice..

        "She had to go, too!"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day.

Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.

They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

This fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the
water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one
fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and
see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Yep, still
salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope,
still salty."

One hour later they check again. "Nope, still salty."

"This isn't good," the first fisherman finally says. "We have
been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."

"I know," says the other man. "And the bucket is almost empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CENSORED-SORRY
couldn't save that one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received
a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's
office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year
in March."

"You file this form for it yearly," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you need proof I'm not getting
any younger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trailer Park Rules

1 No cars up on blocks for longer than three years.

2 No draining your oil onto the street.

3 No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4 You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having
no more than 6 cans each.

5 Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

6 While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially
clothed.

7 If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close
the curtains.

8 When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please
provide the management prior written notice so that certain
residents may be forewarned.

9 Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front
lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough
to collect them with the under- standing you will collect them
within 7 days whether sober or not.

10 When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised
that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced
due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all
cost incurred.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young boy, who had a lisp, was supposed to start school one day, and
was told by his mother to wait by the bus stop. The kid goes to the bus
stop, sees the bus and starts waving his arms and
shouting: "Buth driver .. Buth Driver thtop thtop! ..."

The bus just keeps on going.

The next day, after his mother was upset for the bus not stopping, tells
him to go to the bus stop and wave an old rag she gave him. Again, he
follow his mother's instructions, waving the old rag and shouting "Hey
buth driver...buth driver, thtop thtop!!.." Again, the bus just goes by.

When he returned home, his mother was really upset and tells him:

"Damn it, tomorrow I want you to go out and stand in the middle of the
street, and he'll stop for sure." The next day, he's waiting for the
bus, sees it, stands in the middle of the street and starts waving the
rag and shouting:

"Hey buth driver...buth driver...thtop thtop!!"

The bus just keeps going, hits him, knocks him down and breaks every
bone in his body. Upset, after his mother found out about this, she went
to the school to complain to the school's principal, who calls the bus
driver to the office and questions him about about his action.

"Why did you hit that poor boy?" the principal asked.

The bus driver replies: "I can't thtand kidth that make fun of me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar

1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object. 14.
Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. 15. a sentence should begin
with a capital and end with a period 16. Use hyphens in compound-words,
not just in any two-word phrase. 17. In letters compositions reports and
things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart. 18.
Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language. 19.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 20. Avoid unnecessary
redundancy. 21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view. 22. Don't
write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it. 24. A preposition
isn't a good thing to end a sentence with. 25. Avoid clich?s like the
plague
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRETTY COOL
 As a state trooper in Alaska, I've been called to investigate many cases of
moose poaching. Some we solved because of the carelessness of the
criminals who have left behind incriminating evidence such as a boot print
or, in one memorable case, a wallet complete with the poacher's driver's license.
But one culprit, we thought, left no clues at all...until we saw the clear imprint
of his license plate when he backed his vehicle up against a snowbank.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Genuine Mirosoft Software
http://www.microsoft.com/genuine/downloads/FAQ.aspx?displaylang=en

Typing Game and Tests
http://www.freetypinggame.net

Acronym Dictionary
http://www.netlingo.com

Camel Spiders
http://www.exotic-pets.co.uk/camel-spider.html

Foods That Flopped
http://www.boomj.com/?page=articles/view&AID=13014

Point Of View
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny220.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny220.html">Here!</a>

Drugs Test...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/022.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/022.htm"> Here </a>

Horror Movie...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/023.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200404/023.htm"> Here </a>

He was just an old blowhard anyway
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny483.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny483.html">Here</a>

Questions And Answers
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/qa/index.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/qa/index.htm"> Here </a>

He couldn't be right ALL the time!!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny484.html
<a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny484.html">Here</a>

Triangles
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/triangles.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/triangles.htm"> Here </a>

Refrigerator Magnet
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?
id=C20050107
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050107"> Here
</a>
 
Work Week
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050108
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050108"> Here
</a>

How True
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050109
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050109"> Here

Floor Exercise
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny837.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny837.html">Here!</a>

You Rang?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny838.html
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Time Of Week
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny839.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny839.html">Here!</a>

 </a>


People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it was mailed.

You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link below
http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies
published 5 x weekly.No censorship
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 
 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214

About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim


****  IRL MOTOR SPORTS  ****
open wheel at it's best

Source: Swanson's Simply Delicious Cookbook 
Shortcut Swiss Steak 
Skillet cooking is quick with boneless beef round strips that simmer in
Swanson® Beef Broth with tomatoes and noodles for a deliciously easy
meal. 

Serves:  4
Prep. time:  5 minutes
Cooking time:  20 minutes

~  1 lb. boneless beef top round steak, 3/4" thick
~  3 tbsp. cornstarch
~  1 can (14 oz.) Swanson® Beef Broth, (1 3/4 cups)
~  1/2 tsp. garlic powder
~  1/2 tsp. sugar
~  1 cup cut-up canned tomatoes
~  1 medium onion, cut into wedges
~  1 stalk celery, sliced
~  4 cups hot cooked medium egg noodles, cooked without salt
 
SLICE beef into very thin strips. Mix cornstarch and 1 cup broth.
COOK beef in nonstick skillet until browned, stirring often. Remove
beef.
ADD remaining broth, garlic, sugar, tomatoes, onion and celery. Heat to
a boil. Cover and cook over low heat 5 min. or until vegetables are
tender-crisp.
ADD cornstarch mixture. Cook and stir until mixture boils and thickens.
Return beef to skillet and heat through. Serve over noodles.


**** TODAY'S USELESS FACT ****

Will drinking coffee really stunt the growth of children?

 There is no compelling evidence that coffee stunts the growth of children,  it's generally a bad idea to give kids caffeine. It can interfere with sleep habits, exacerbate hyperactivity, and contribute to dehydration. Caffeine is a diuretic, which means it causes the body to eliminate water.

Kids get most of their caffeine through soft drinks. By opting for these fizzy drinks over milk, vegetable, or fruit juices, children can miss out on nutrients. Also, both caffeinated drinks and many juices can contain hefty helpings of sugar, and excessive sugar consumption is a big contributing factor to childhood obesity.

Not surprisingly, coffee and caffeine are a constant subject of health studies. Recent health studies claim that caffeine is a contributing factor in heartburn, high blood pressure, and even still-births.

Still, the general consensus is that moderate consumption of caffeine (200-300 mg, or two cups of coffee, a day) doesn't pose a health risk. Which is good news for us here at Top-Greetings.




****A PARTING THOUGHT ****

 The army dental professor was a drill instructor.
LAST CALL Y'ALL
See ya buds

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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