As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.  She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....          it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another variation of an old one...

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego- when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked,
"Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be
delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I
don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take
them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty
dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so
we went to the movies!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had given our daughter, who was 14 at the time, a drivers manual. On
the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be
studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her drivers
permit. "Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book." "You
do?" I returned. "Yep", she said, very smugly. I thought, "OK, I'll give
her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the
car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes
real hard?" "One," she replied. "What?" I asked. "One?!" She repeated
her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added,
"One Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes,
only use my right one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I need some kind of athletic activity in my life, so I subscribed
to a couple of health magazines. There's nothing better than kicking
back with a cigarette, a Budweiser, and Prevention magazine... and
reading about what nicotine, alcohol, and obesity will do to me. The
anxiety alone raises my heart rate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

A.  A rebel without a cause.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A.  She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack:  Did you hear about the blonde explorer?

Dan:  No. What about her?

Jack:  She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the
Sahara Desert.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bonde goes to get her hair cut. The hairstylist cuts for about thirty
minutes, hands the blonde a mirror, and asks,

"How do you like it?"

The blonde says,

"It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer in the back?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  What is every blonde's ambition in life?

A.  To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.  How does a blonde spell "farm"?

A.  E-I-E-I-O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow
road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let
me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached
the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer
asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of
the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer,
I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road ---
if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable. Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation.

At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.

"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly
eating a
worm.

She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat
worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is
looking
all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Timmy.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age
of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather
peculiar
order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also
required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly
difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One
Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was
an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had
to
play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate
Pastor
left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about
forty
miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he
knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all,
it
was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time,
Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens
and
exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The
Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit
the
ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it,
rolled
up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was
astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do
that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da
plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.
Da
plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got
knock
unconscience. Then da plane started driftin. Pierre him come run up to
da
front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre
don't
know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone
and
holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him
knock
unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!" "Dis is da
control
tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nutin. We gonna splain how
fo
you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything
ta us
    Fus, how high are you an whas you position?" Pierre though a minute,
den
say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."
"No!No!"
answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?" Pierre
say,
"Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!" "No!No!No!" came an
exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground
an
how you plane's in relation to da airport!" Pierre start to panic by dis
time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da
ground
an I don believe dis plane's related to you airport!" A long
pause--------the silence was deafenin. "We needs to know who you next of
kin
is and where to send da flowers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it
broke
down.  One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked, with a very exasperated tone.

"My brakes went out," Jill said.  "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied...  (barely audible)

"It's in here with me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
       When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a computer
       company, customer "help" calls ranged from the mundane to the
       bizarre.

       One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a man
       who complained that every time he flushed his toilet, his
computer
       would reboot.

       It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water supplied
by a
well
       with an electric pump.  Every time he flushed, it would turn on
the
pump,
       causing a dip in the electric power, which in turn would cause
the
computer to restart itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken
for
a flight attendant, ticket agent or even. . .  a snack bar employee!
Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real"
pilot.
Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.

One day, I was in an ariline restroom before a flight.  I was at the
sink,
brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over
at
me.

"My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled
and
asked why.

Replied the woman. . .

"She's a dentist."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chuck goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm a little enbarrassed to
talk
about this, but I seem to be barfing alot."

The doctor says,

"Well, I'm glad you feel  you can bring this up, Chuck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A really drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was
staggering quite a bit, and made two nuns that were approaching him
very
nervous. The two nuns split apart - one walked to the man's left and
one
walked to the man's right.

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how
in
the heck did she do that"?
*****************************