I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

 TUESDAY MARCH 11,2008
Spider--Yeah It's a guy thing.Bout like beans and Taco Bell

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
So they can impress the parole board they are now Christians and good people



A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in
front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward
a vacant pump.

"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last
minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been a long day in traffic court, and the judge was listening to the final case on the docket. The police officer stated that he had observed the defendant travelling significantly above the posted speed limit. In response, the defendant went on and on about the road conditions, the amount of traffic and his innocence. Then, certain he had won his case, he melodramatically proclaimed, "Why, Your Honour, I'll even take a lie detector test." "Son," the judge wearily replied, "I am the lie detector."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jill, a blonde, went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn, and one didn't.

Jill replies, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll
run into too much traffic out here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 25 to 1.

This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... well, a little strange.

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a last
minute business meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know
that he would not be leaving with them.

He hastily scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk.

"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 700 p.m., the man comes back to his desk and finds this note...

"Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, idiot!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said, "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."

Another one said, "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it unless I mend my ways, I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going to Heaven?"

She says, "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The accountant came to work looking exhausted. After
awhile, his boss took him aside and said, "You look
terrible! What's wrong?"
"Sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night."
"Why didn't you try counting sheep?"
"That was the problem. I made a mistake and it took me
the rest of the night to find it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response by
the secretary. "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to
talk about?"

Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, "I
want to order a hamburger with fries. For Christ's sake, why would I
call a doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the
doctor."

"Fine," replied the secretary, "I can make an appointment for you. Let
me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday."

"Great," said Mrs. Jones, "I'll have my mortician drop me off then!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN...

The front of your scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!'

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

You always follow the rules, but you're wise enough to forget them sometimes. You can't cure stupid.

You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.

You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When some doctors were told to contribute to the new wing of the
hospital....

-The allergists voted to scratch it.
-The demonologists preferred no rash moves.
-The micro-surgeons were thinking along the same vein.
-The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
-The pathologists said, 'Over my dead body.'
-The pediatricians said, Grow up.'
-The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
-The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
-The plastic surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the
matter.'
-The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower
replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines
flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the
big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a
Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy
Hour".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Hardware: the parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 
Appanently y'all ain't seen me work on software....Jim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got An Iron?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny183.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny183.html">Here!</a>

Racing Duck...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/013.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/013.htm"> Here </a>

The 'Any' Key
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/007.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/007.htm"> Here </a>

The Magician Did It
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny749.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny749.html">Here!</a>

Stuck on a list!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny748.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny748.html">Here!</a>

Persistent Mormons
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/005.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/005.htm"> Here </a>

The Aardvark Breakfast
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/006.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/006.htm"> Here </a>

You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link below
http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies
published 5 x weekly.No censorship
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE FOOD FOR HOMELESS DOGS
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 
 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214

About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim


****  IRL MOTOR SPORTS  ****
open wheel at it's best

Sarah Fisher to appear

3/14/08: Simply She Women's Lifestyle Show The Ritz Charles at 12156 N Meridian Street, Carmel, IN 46032 7:00-8:00 p.m. www.simplysheaffair.com

 

****BILL'S COUNTRY CALENDAR ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison © ****
Thanks Bill

-11-

1890 - Pappy O'Daniel founder of the "Light Crust Doughboys," was born in Malta, Ohio.

1911 - "Cowboy Slim" Rinehart, singing cowboy, born in rural Gustine, Texas.

1927 - Seeburg placed their first jukebox in California.

1939 - Flaco Jimenez, of the "Texas Tornados" born in San Antonio, Texas.

1950 - Columbia Records released Little Jimmie Dickens single "Hillbilly Fever." The George Vaughn penned tune climbed the charts to #3.

1955 - Jimmy Fortune singer, songwriter. of the "Statler Brothers," born in Williamsburg, Virginia.

1963 - Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Act Naturally" b/w "Over and Over Again."

1967 - Ira Stripling 1898-1967, singer, guitarist, and fiddler of the Stripling Brothers, died at the age of 68.

1970 - Dottie West and George Jones were featured guests on "Hee Haw."

1970 - The 12th Annual Grammy Awards for 1969 were presented in California. Country winners included: Songwriter Joe South ("Games People Play); Female Vocal Performance Tammy Wynette (Stand By Your Man); Male Vocal Performance Johnny Cash (A Boy Named Sue); Best Group or Duo Waylon Jennings & The Kimberleys (Macarthur Park); Best Gospel Performance Porter Wagoner I The Blackwood Brothrers.

1970 - Johnny Cash's ABC-TV show featured guests Linda Ronstadt, Hank Williams Jr. and June Carter Cash.

1971 - Merle Haggard's "The Fightin' Side Of Me" was certified gold by the RIAA.

1972 - Tammy Wynette and George Jones were featured guests on "Hee Haw."

1972 - Freddie Hart's Capitol single "My Hang Up Is You" was #1 on the Country charts.

1974 - Charlie Rich's self penned RCA single "There Won't Be Anymore" was #1.

1976 - Willie Nelson's Columbia album "Red Headed Stranger" was certified Gold by the RIAA.

1979 - The Johnny Cash Show toured Britain from the 11th through the 21st.

1982 - Ed Bruce's "You're The Best Break This Old Heart Ever Had" topped the charts.

1986 - Sonny Terry a.k.a. Saunders Terrell, harmonica player, died today.

1986 - The People's Choice Awards were presented this evening in California. Country winners included Kenny Rogers and Barbara Mandrell.

1987 - William Lee Golden was asked to leave the Oak Ridge Boys.

1991 - Carrie Cash 1904-1991, mother of Johnny Cash, died at the age of 86. Mrs. Cash was laid to rest in Hendersonville Memory Gardens, Hendersonville, Tennessee.

1993 - Jim Boyd 1914-1993, of the Cowboy Ramblers died at age 78. Jim was laid to rest in Restland Memorial Park, Dallas, Texas.

1993 - Sandi Patti's Word label album "Morning Like This" was certified Platinum by the RIAA.

1995 - Pete Pyle 1920-1995, of the "Blue Grass Boys, died today.

1997 - Sony released Chet Atkins' album "The Day Finger Pickers Took over the World."

2000 - Joe Diffie and Theresa Crump were married in Nashville.

2003 - Dolly Parton received the Tennessee Governor's Award for the Arts.

2003 - Sony released Mickey Gilley's "16 Biggest Hits" album.

2003 - Nominations for the 2nd Annual CMT Flameworthy Video Awards were announced today. The nominees included: Toby Keith, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Shania Twain, and Martina McBride.

2005 - The George Strait Team Roping Classic opened for a two day run in San Antonio, Texas.

2005 - Tim McGraw's movie "Black Cloud" opened in theaters.

2007 - The North America Country Music Associations, International Tenth Annual Country Music Week and NACMAI Hall of Fame and Award Show was held March 5 - March 11, 2007, at the Country Tonite Theater in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News & Views" Page
Compiled by Bill Morrison - billmorrison2002@hotmail.com

 **** COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS ****


Jewel Turned Down Opportunity To Be On Mtv's "Real World"
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Jewel was almost a reality star pioneer. She says when she first came on the scene MTV approached her about being on their new reality TV show "The Real World." Jewel laughs recalling that "it was revolutionary at the time." She turned it down. She says she didn't want that kind of pressure. Also, she says she didn't want to be known as "the girl from that show" -- she wanted to be known as a singer-songwriter. Jewel's first country album "Perfectly Clear" is slated for release on June 3rd. Her single "Stronger Woman" is in the Top 20.



Latin Pop Singer Wins Cmt's Gone Country
NASHVILLE
His dad, Julio Iglesias, paired up with Willie Nelson. And now it looks like country cred runs in the genes. Julio Iglesias Junior has won the CMT show "Gone Country." The win means Iglesias will record and release his song to country radio. Iglesias won the competition with his self-penned, bilingual song "The Way I Want You." The music video is on CMT's "Gone Country" Web page. Iglesias' competitors included Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider, Bobby Brown and Carnie Wilson.

Tim Mcgraw And Def Leppard Join Forces For Abc's Nba Broadcasts
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Tim McGraw could have the next arena rock anthem on his hands. McGraw sings on a new Def Leppard song that's been picked to air before all NBA games on ABC through the rest of the season and into the playoffs. The song is called "Nine Lives." It's the first single off Def Leppard's new album which is slated to hit stores April 29th. The guys have shot a video which aired yesterday on ABC.

Trisha Yearwood Out With New Cookbook
Country Music World
Trisha Yearwood is sharing her family cooking recipes. She's out with a cookbook called "Georgia Cooking in an Oklahoma Kitchen." It comes out April 7th. Garth Brooks wrote the forward. And Yearwood will sign every 10th book sold from her Web site. Fans can pre-order now.

Lisa Marie Presley Announces That She's Pregnant
Country Music World
Lisa Marie Presley says she's not fat, she's pregnant. She confirmed the pregnancy on her MySpace page after what she described as a week of "slanderous and degrading stories, horribly manipulated pictures and articles in the media." She writes that it's unfortunate she couldn't have announced "something that is this much of a blessing and that has made us so incredibly happy under better circumstances." Presley is married to music producer Michael Lockwood. Her spokeswoman says the baby is due in the fall. Rumors of a possible pregnancy or even overeating spread after pictures emerged of Presley looking heavier. This will be Presley's third child. She has two children from her marriage to ex-husband Danny Keough.

Trace Adkins To Speak On Behalf Of Endangered Civil War Battlefields
WASHINGTON
Trace Adkins will speak out about preserving endangered Civil War battlefields this week in Washington. He'll be on hand Wednesday as a nonprofit releases its report identifying the 10 most threatened Civil War sites in the country.

Kid Rock's Tour Will Roll All Summer Long With New Dates Added
NEW YORK
It'll be a working summer for Kid Rock. His "Rock and Roll Revival Tour" will continue through the summer. The additional dates include a headlining show at New York's Madison Square Garden, slated for May 15th. Lynyrd Skynyrd will be the special guest that night. And when Kid Rock's American dates wrap up, he'll kick of his first European tour since 2001. He's slated to perform in Germany, Ireland, Austria, the Netherlands and the U.K.


Today's Birthdays:
Talk show host Ralph Emery is 75.
Musician Norman Blake is 70.
Singer Daryle Singletary is 37.
Carrie Underwood is 25.
By Myra Lopez

**** Amy's Kitchen ****  

Diabetic Delight...

 Banana Ginger Muffins
1 cup flour, whole-wheat
1 1/2 cups flour, all-purpose
2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon, ground
1 egg white
1 cup milk, fat-free
1/4 cup applesauce, unsweetened
2 tablespoon oil, canola
2 tablespoon sugar, brown
2 banana(s), mashed
2 teaspoon ginger, fresh, grated

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Combine the flours, baking
powder, and cinnamon in a medium bowl. In a large bowl, combine
the remaining ingredients and mix well. Slowly add the dry ingredients
to the large bowl and mix until blended. Dont overbeat. Pour the
batter into 12 nonstick muffin cups and bake for 20-25 mins.
Remove muffins from oven and let cool slightly. Remove muffins
from pan and let cool completely.

Nutritional Info (Per serving): Cals: 156, Sat Fat: 0g, Sod: 83mg,
Dietary Fiber: 2g, Total Fat: 3g, Carbs: 28g, Sugars: 7g, Chol:
18mg, Protein: 5g
Exchanges: Starch: 2 Carb Choices: 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do dogs wag their tails when they're happy?

After a quick tour of the links from our Dog Training category, we discovered there are several reasons why a dog wags its tail, and not all of them have to do with being a happy-go-lucky puppy. Since the ancestors of today's domesticated dogs ran in packs, communication -- whether by barking, growling, or wagging tails -- was essential.

A dog with a loosely wagging tail is usually a dog that is friendly or excited. However, a wagging tail is not always a sign of an amiable pooch. An aggressive dog might hold its tail high and wag only the tip, while a submissive or scared dog is more likely to hold its tail low and wag it stiffly.

Some experts believe that a wagging tail is a sign of conflict. When an animal is in conflict, it wants to retreat and advance at the same time. The wagging tail is an indication of this confusion.

When you see a dog wagging its tail, odds are that the dog is in good spirits, probably running after a ball or begging for a treat. However, you should be aware that a wagging tail isn't a definitive sign of a friendly dog; proceed with caution if you think the dog is aggressive.



****A PARTING THOUGHT ****
A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

LAST CALL Y'ALL
See y'all later......Jim

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
I've learned that the prayer I need to say most often is, "Lord, please keep
your arm around my shoulder and your hand Over My Mouth."
AND I'LL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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