I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

WEDNESDAY MARCH 12,2008
Being defeated is often a temporary condition.
Giving up is what makes it permanent.


THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
I am sorry the Funnies are coming to you in pieces now,but I don't know
What else to do.I'm to dumb to handle Zinesters new standards,don't even know what they are,so how can you change anything. To all my poor Topica folks, Sending in two parts is fairly easy.Three parts are like your worse nightmare.I'm not the only one having these problems. My friend sent me this today.They have such an excellent paper.
I Got lots of + email today which gives me great comfort.I needed it.
Thank you all

"My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't
actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it."

There were 4 blondes. They decided to start a business.
They had a lot of discussion on the type of business and finally decided
to start an auto-garage. They bought the best of car servicing
equipments and manpower. They waited that day for the first car to
arrive but no car entered their garage.They waited for 1 day, 2 days, a
week but no car came to their garage.

WHY? - Because their garage was on the second floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi
driving. They bought a cab and began to look for passengers. They drove
past round and round but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to the
airport yet nobody hailed their taxi. They even drove to country, even
there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all
around but alas no one hailed their taxi.

WHY? - Because all the four blondes were sitting in the taxi.

Now all the 4 blondes were very disappointed with their fate and decided
to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They
pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move
even an inch. They decided to rest for a while and started to push
again. The taxi just wouldn't move.

WHY? - Because 2 blondes were pushing from the front and two from
behind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf
clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful
Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year
later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a
substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing
plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover.
Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his
suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to
recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray
suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed
and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found
the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry
cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no
longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there.

He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.

The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for
dinner.

No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was
certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come
to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he
could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known
... One should never press one's luck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHURCH SIGN BOARDS:


"No God - No Peace."

"Know God - Know Peace."


"Free Trip to heaven."

"Details Inside!"


"Try our Sundays."

"They're better than Dairy Queen's".


"Searching for a new look?"

"Have your faith lifted here!"


"People are like tea bags" -- "you have to put them in hot water

before you know how strong they are."


"Fight truth decay"

"study the Bible daily."


"How will you spend eternity"

"Smoking or Nonsmoking?"


"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"


"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."


"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."


"If you're headed in the wrong direction,

God allows U-turns."


"If you don't like the way you were born,

try being born again."


"Looking at the way some people live,"

"they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."


"This is a ch_ _ ch."

"What is missing? - (U R)"


"In the dark?"

"Follow the Son."


"Running low on faith?"

"Step in for a fill-up."


"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep."

"Talk to the Shepherd."


"Come work for the Lord."

"The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.

But the retirement benefits are out of this world"


An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on

which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads,

"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."


When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said,

"Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its

own message:

"We are open on Sundays, too."


AND THE WINNER !

- ON THE PASTOR'S PARKING SPOT -


"PASTOR'S SPOT"

"YOU PARK, YOU PREACH".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My eight-year-old grandson, Dillan came down late for
breakfast, still in his pyjamas, and said that he was
feeling ill. His mother felt his forehead but couldn't
detect any fever. She told him to get ready for school,
then she'd check him again. Half dressed, Dillan
returned complaining that he felt worse. This time his
forehead did seem a tad warm. “Better have your father
look at you when he gets out of the shower,” she said.
A short time later, Dillan's dad went to see him. His
panic at finding his son slumped on the floor quickly
faded when he realized that Dillan was warming his
forehead on the floor vent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were looking to buy property I had this over
zealous realtor show us what can only be described as
a totally worn- out old farm. I mean the land had just been
worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this
land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some
good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said
of Hell?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and
add twenty percent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My daughter is a member of the same gym as the host of a popular
early-morning radio program. One evening at the gym, she suggested
to him that more frequent time checks should be given. "I get so
interested in the people you're interviewing that I get frozen in time,"
she told him. "Then I suddenly realize I'm going to be late for work,
because I'm still in the tub and it's 7:30."
The next morning, listeners to the program, including my daughter,
were startled to hear this unusual time check following the news,
sports and weather: "That brings the time to 7:15. Brenda, get out
of the bathtub."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I went to my sisters, a while ago, to take her out to run
some errands. She had asked me if I had eaten breakfast
and I replied no. Good she said neither had I and she
decided to make pancakes from a mix. She opened the
box and poured the mix into a large bowl. That is when
my 3 year old son had said, "Mom what is moving around
in the bowl?" I said what did you say? I looked in the bowl
and to my surprise, it had sat to long in a cupboard and
became buggy. My sister than replied, we can still eat it
as long as I sift out those bugs!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I'm An Old Lady

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm and old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

God Bless All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere
**************************************************************
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