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Subject: The Funnies - March20, 2008



 
 

The Funnies are strictly a DOUBLE opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM
If you choose to censore or delete it.The only ones hurt are those waiting on it
and the people they could have helped

Please note my new address
jim4615@verizon.net

 
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000    

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG


I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.


God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.



 

Thursday March 20,2008


Thought For Today:
When I die ,I want a gas pump with a sign on my grave that states

Qut of gas.

The Buttocks 

            
              A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

             Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

             Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

              Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

              Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

              That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

                From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

              Would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

             Requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After

              All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

             Completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

              He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

             Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

             Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

             Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

              I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

             How can I possibly repay you?'

             'My darling,' she replied,

             'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

              Kiss you on the cheek.' 

              If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will! bAbS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices
that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something
bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life
savings in the stock market," Jill explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure
you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called
out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter!
Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced
that he was quite experienced at this sort of
thing. He stepped over with almost no look of
concern at all, wrapped his hands around the
boys gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the
quarter. The man then went back to his table as
though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are
you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was
in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal. wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is
part of my job."
"Incredible!" muttered the man. "I can't believe it! I'm going to
tell your boss what a prize he has in you. An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I
can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she
would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game
is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
$5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries
to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there
will be no end to this torment unlessshe plays, agrees
to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde
doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the
lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up
a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no answer. He taps into
the air phone with his modem and searches the net and
the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he
sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands
her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns
back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more
than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
what's the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches
into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back
to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.

Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"

At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."

The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200 feet below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Famous Last Words:

-- I'll get a world record for this..
-- It's fireproof.
-- He's probably just hibernating.
-- What does this button do?
-- I'm making a citizen's arrest.
-- So, you're a cannibal.
-- It's probably just a rash.
-- Are you sure the power is off?
-- Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury,
so what of it?
-- The odds of that happening have to be a
million to one!
-- Pull the pin and count to what?
-- Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-- I wonder where the mother bear is.
-- I've seen this done on TV.
-- These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-- I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-- Let it down slowly.
-- Rat poison only kills rats.
-- Just take whatever you want, this is a
ghost town.
-- It's strong enough for both of us.
-- This doesn't taste right.
-- I can make this light before it changes.
-- Nice doggie.
-- I can do that with my eyes closed.
-- I've done this before.
-- Well, we've made it this far.
-- That's odd.
-- You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on,
would you?
-- Don't be so superstitious.
-- Now watch this.
-- What duck?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why
did you make women so beautiful?",

To which God replies: "so that you would find
them attractive".

Then the man asks: "God, but why did you have to
make them so dumb?".

To which God replies: "So that they would find
you attractive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon
a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if
she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry
three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish
genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands
of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't
think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that map again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Making marriage work is like operating a farm:
you have to start all over again each morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking
at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your
license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts,"
the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the
officer. "You're getting a ticket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A generously endowed young lady at college often got teased by her
sorority sisters for being so top-heavy.

At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to
drink.

"Diet soda, please," she replied.

"Oh, you must be the double D." he said.

The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had
divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?"
she snapped.

Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly
answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** ON THIS DAY ****
Just Live
by Mark Rickerby ()
Jul 01, 1989
There once was a bright, young boy
who thought and thought all day
and rarely joined his little friends
when they went out to play.
Even when he would come out,
his mind would keep on turning
and while all the others laughed and played,
his questions kept on burning.
Like "Where did I come from?  Why am I here?"
and "Where will I go when I die?"
Very big questions for such a small boy.
Unanswered, his childhood flew by.
A young man sat on a sunswept beach,
away and apart from the crowd.
You see, he was thinking quite serious thoughts
and their laughter was far too loud.
His nose in a book, he just couldn't hear
the young girls when they'd call out his name
and though the sun shone so very brightly above,
had no time for their foolish games.
No, there were too many doors to unlock
and so many knots to untie
like "Where did I come from?  Why am I here?"
and "Where will I go when I die?"
A middle aged man sat on the same beach,
a place he had come to know
as somewhere to ponder his life's many why's
though the answers he still didn't know,
when a feeling of emptiness, never so deep,
filled his heart and made him afraid.
He thought of the voices of friends, long ago,
but could only hear silence today.
Then he thought, "Oh, my God.  Half my life has slipped by
and still, no solution is near.
I think I'll stop trying to figure it out
and for once, just be glad that I'm here."
That day, his eyes opened and though nothing had changed,
the world became bright, rich and new.
And as he lay back to blend with life's colors and sounds,
the great sky never seemed quite so blue.
An old man lies on a bed, close to death,
but not worried, not sad or afraid.
He smiles at sweet faces, gathered around
saying, "Please Grandpa, don't go away."
He says, "Don't be sad.  I had a life full and rich -
 something not many can say."
But their young eyes were still pleading, scared and confused
so he searched for the right words to say . . .
"When I was young, I had so many worries and fears
and questions I couldn't get by.
Then one day I stopped fighting and searching in vain
and decided to live till I die.
I traveled the world, drank in its wonders,
found true love in a good woman's eyes,
had beautiful children, life's sweetest reward.
Each one, an incredible prize.
Now, one journey ends and another begins
and I was right to be patient and wait
for the mysteries that plagued my troubled, young mind
can't be solved on this side of the gate.
So do one thing more for me.  Know your own beauty.
Always stand strong, proud and tall.
And think of my passing not as the end
but as the summer becoming the fall."
do visit his site at
www.ByeByeCommute.com  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Today's links 

Connie Sue w/ Springtime
http://www.thensingsmysoul.net/Springtime.html

Free Spirit Counters !!!
http://www.thesitefights.com/userv/

Graphics
http://www.accd.edu/PAC/LRC/graphics.htm

Great Bellies Quill and Ink Names
http://members.tripod.com/~greatbelly/

May be Monitored
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1171.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1171.html">Here!</a>

New Portapotty
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/020.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/020.htm"> Here </a>

You mean this isn't the boat ramp????
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1172.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1172.html">Here!</a>

The New Arkansas Motorcycle
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/019.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/019.htm"> Here </a>

User Error
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050124
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050124"> Here
</a>

New Car
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050125
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050125"> Here
</a>

Possum Practical Jokes
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?
id=C20050126
<a href="
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050126"> Here

Thinking What I'm Thinking?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny987.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny987.html">Here!</a>

Cross The Road?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny945.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny945.html">Here!</a>

Gilette
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny273.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny273.html">Here!</a>
 
</a>
The human tongue is only a few inches from the brain, but
when you listen to some people talk, they seem miles apart.

You can join The Funnies
To subscribe, Click on link below
http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies
published 5 x weekly.No censorship
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 

 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214


About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim


****  IRL Motor Sports  ****
open wheel at it's best

If you drive a car I'll tax the street

Zappatista has pointed out an eye-opening article in the Indianapolis Business Journal that explains how the property taxes in Marion County, Indiana are getting more than a little wacky.

In 2005, assessors valued the 559-acre Indianapolis Motor Speedway at $34.4 million for property tax purposes. According to the latest figures from the Marion County reassessment, it now has a market value of $170 million.

If the new assessment stands, the track’s annual gross property tax bills would increase fivefold, to more than $5 million, assuming tax rates remain constant.

Track spokesman Fred Nation expressed surprise that Marion County had assigned a $170 million property tax value to “a piece of land with a bunch of grandstands around it.”

(MORE from IBJ.com)
Five million bucks would just about pay for another race team. Just sayin'. Anyhow, if you notice things being a little more expensive for your annual trip to IMS, now you have a better idea why.

 


****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison © ****

Thanks Bill

-20-

1897 - Frank Hutchison, vocals, guitarist and harmonica, born in Logan, West Virginia.

1926 - Benny Garcia Jr., legendary Western Swing guitarist, was born in Oklahoma City. Inducted Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame in 2003.

1926 - The Southern Serenaders, led by Harry Bailey debuted on the WSM Barn Dance.

1927 - Dewey Balfa 1927-1992, Cajun recording artist, of the "Balfa Brothers," was born near Big Mamou, Louisiana.

1935 - "Your Hit Parade" debuted on network radio 1935.

1937 - Jerry Reed singer, songwriter, guitarist and actor was born Jerry Reed Hubbard in Atlanta, Georgia. Jerry was inducted into the Georgia Music Hall of Fame in 1987.

1937 - Tommy Hunter singer, songwriter, guitarist, and pianist born London, Ontario, Canada. Tommy hosted the "Tommy Hunter Show," for twenty-seven years on CBC in Canada. This was the longest running network Country music show in history. Tommy is known as "Canada's Country Gentleman."

1938 - Jo Ann Campbell, singer, actress, born in Jacksonville, Florida.

1939 - Don Edwards, Western music singer, songwriter, born Boonton, New Jersey.

1939 - Samuel Wellington of "The Four Guys," born in Steubenville, Ohio.

1946 - Ranger Doug, "Douglas Bruce Green" of Riders in the Sky born Great Lakes, Illinois.

1948 - Eddy Arnold's #1 single "Anytime," charted.

1949 - Hank Williams recorded "Wedding Bells" and "I Just Told Mama Goodbye."

1954 - Jim Seales, guitarist, bassist, of "Shenandoah," born in Hamilton, Alabama.

1961 - Faron Young's single "Hello Walls" charted and eventually hit #1.

1963 - George Hamilton IV recorded his #1 single "Abilene."

1976 - The Governor proclaimed Johnny Cash Homecoming Day in Kingsland, Arkansas.

1984 - The Judds performed their first concert in Omaha, Nebraska, when they opened for the Statler Brothers.

1987 - Capitol released "The Very Best of Glen Campbell."

2001 - Cleveland International released David Allan Coe's album "Songwriter of the Tear."

2002 - Alison Krauss' CD "New Favorite" was certified gold by the RIAA

2006 - The Kennedy Center in partnership with the Country Music Hall of Fame ® and Museum presented Country: A Celebration of America's Music March 20’??April 9, 2006. This celebration featured performances by some of the greatest country music artists from across the nation.

2006 - The Roots of Country Music Concert was held in the Kennedy Center's Rehearsal Room. featuring Ralph Stanley, Jim Lauderdale, John Rumble, and James Shelton. Tickets were $15.00.

2007 - Merle Haggard, Willie Nelson, and Ray Price's 2 CD set "Last of the Breed" was released today.

Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News & Views" Page
Compiled by Bill Morrison - billmorrison2002@hotmail.com

 **** Country Music News ****

More Academy of Country Music nominations announced

Wednesday, March 19, 2008 – The Academy of Country Music announced Wednesday nominations for its awards show for categories including musicians, radio stations and concert venues.
Among those nominated were Blair Garner After MidNight for the National Air Personality of the Year to Tony Brown and Frank Rogers for producer of the year. Brown has produced George Strait, while Rogers has done the same honors for Brad Paisley. 
 
The 43rd ACM awards will be held May 18 in Las Vegas. 
 
NATIONAL ON-AIR PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
Bill Cody's Classic Country Weekend
Blair Garner After MidNite
Danny Wright All Night
The Big D and Bubba Show
The Lia Show 
 
ON-AIR PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR - MAJOR MARKET
KEEY (Minneapolis, MN) - Chris Carr
KSON (San Diego, CA) - Cliff and Company: Cliff, Morgan, Tanner and Tori
WMIL (Greenfield, WI) - Karen, Scott and Radar
WSIX (Nashville, TN) - Gerry House & The House Foundation: Mike Bohan, Al Voecks, Duncan Stewart and Richard Falklen
WUSN (Chicago, IL) - Trish Biondo 
 
ON-AIR PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR - MEDIUM MARKET
WBBS (Syracuse, NY) - Ron Bee and Becky Palmer
WOKQ (Dover, NH) Mark Ericson and Danielle Carrier
WWGR (Bonita Springs, FL) - Valleri St. John
WYCT (Pensacola, FL) - Brent Lane, Dana Cervantes and Jim Sanborn
WYNK (Baton Rouge, LA) - Scott Innes 
 
ON-AIR PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR - SMALL MARKET
KCLR (Columbia, MO) - Carrie Bremer & Scotty Cox
WBKR (Owensboro, KY) - Moon, Chad and Kelly
WGSQ (Cookeville, TN) - Gator & The StyckMan
WGSQ (Cookeville, TN) - McFly and The Ride Home: Marty McFly and Stewart James
WKDQ (Evansville, IN) - The Donut Holes: Jon Prell, Lori Mae, Gene Stewart and Kim Kavanaw 
 
RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR - MAJOR MARKET
KYGO (Denver, CO)
WMIL (Greenfield, WI)
WQYK (St. Petersberg, FL)
WUBE (Cincinnati, OH)
WXTU (Philadelphia, PA) 
 
RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR - MEDIUM MARKET
KSSN (Little Rock, AR)
KUAD (Windsor, CO)
WGNA (Schenectady, NY)
WUSY-FM (Chattanooga, TN)
WYRK (Buffalo, NY) 
 
RADIO STATION OF THE YEAR - SMALL MARKET
WFRY (Watertown, NY)
WGSQ (Cookeville, TN)
WJCL (Savannah, GA)
WTCR (Huntington, WV)
WWJO (St. Cloud, MN) 
 
PRODUCER OF THE YEAR
Mark Bright
Tony Brown
Byron Gallimore
Frank Rogers
Mark Wright 
 
AUDIO ENGINEER OF THE YEAR
Chuck Ainlay
Jeff Balding
Julian King
Kyle Lehning
Justin Niebank 
 
TOP BASS PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Mike Brignardello
Dennis Crouch
Alison Prestwood
Michael Rhodes
Jimmie Lee Sloas 
 
TOP PERCUSSIONIST/DRUMMER OF THE YEAR
Shannon Forrest
Paul Leim
Chris McHugh
Greg Morrow
Lonnie Wilson 
 
TOP FIDDLE PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Glen Duncan
Stuart Duncan
Larry Franklin
Joe Spivey
Jonathan Yudkin 
 
TOP GUITARIST OF THE YEAR
Tom Bukovac
J.T. Corenflos
Kenny Greenberg
Dann Huff
Bryan Sutton 
 
TOP PIANO/KEYBOARDS PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Tony Harrell
John Jarvis
Steve Nathan
Michael Rojas
Matt Rollings 
 
TOP SPECIALTY INSTRUMENT(S) PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Eric Darken
Jerry Douglas
Dan Dugmore
Aubrey Haynie
Jim Horn 
 
TOP STEEL GUITAR PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Dan Dugmore
Paul Franklin
Lloyd Green
Gary Morse
Russ Pahl 
 
VENUE OF THE YEAR
Crystal Grand Music Theatre, Lake Delton, WI
DTE Energy Music Center, Detroit, MI
Nissan Pavilion, Bristow, VA
Rialto Square Theatre, Joliet, IL
Star Plaza Theatre , Merriville, IN 
 
NIGHTCLUB OF THE YEAR
Billy Bob's, Ft. Worth, TX
Cowboy's, Colorado Springs, CO
Coyote Joe's, Charlotte, NC
Joe's, Chicago, IL
Wild Bill's, Duluth, GA 
 
CASINO OF THE YEAR
Casino Rama, Orillia, ONT
Mohegan Sun Arena, Uncasville, CT
Soaring Eagle Casino & Resort, Mt. Pleasant, MI
Star of the Desert Arena, Primm, NV
Turning Stone Casino, Verona, NY 
 
DON ROMEO TALENT BUYER OF THE YEAR
Todd Boltin, Variety Attractions
Gil Cunningham, Neste Event Marketing
Gary Osier, Gary Osier Presents
Fran Romeo, Romeo Entertainment Group
Randy Wright, Integrity Events 
 
PROMOTER OF THE YEAR
Brad Garrett, Police Productions
Don Kronberg, Nitelite Promotions
Darin Lashinsky, Outback Concerts
Brian O'Connell, LiveNation
Glenn Smith, Glenn Smith Presents 
 

"American Idol"
LOS ANGELES
There was little love for Kristy Lee Cook on last night's "American Idol." Simon Cowell called Cook "musical wallpaper." He said "You notice it, but you can't remember it." He skewered her performance of the Beatles "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." Paula tried to be positive, by saying Cook looked very pretty. Cowell also blasted Chikezie's bluegrass version of the Beatles "I've Just Seen a Face," saying "that's not a song to be proud of." The winners of the night were Syesha Mercado and David Archuleta. The judges called Mercado's rendition of "Yesterday," her best performance so far. And Archuleta redeemed himself from last week where he forgot the words to his song. Randy Jackson said Archuleta had "brought the hotness back to his game." On tonight's "American Idol," another contestant will get the boot . Also, Idol alum Kellie Pickler will perform.



"Dancing With The Stars"
LOS ANGELES
An impressive debut by Priscilla Presley on last night's ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Her fox trot won rave reviews from the judges. Bruno Tonioli called her performance "an uncompromising smoking hot fox trot." Len Goodman also thought she did a great job. Carrie Ann Inaba said Presley was the queen of the dance floor, proving age was just a number. At 62, Presley is the oldest female contestant so far. The judges did caution Presley to watch her posture. She scored 24 points. Figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi leads the women with 27 out of 30 points. Tennis champ Monica Seles is last.

Priscilla Presley Opens Up About Dancing With The Stars
LOS ANGELES
Priscilla Presley says "Dancing with the Stars" has decimated her social life. She tells Elvis.com "I have no life now, it's dancing, dancing, dancing." Presley says gearing up for the show has been brutal, grueling and fun. Presley, a self described perfectionist, confesses that not everything has gone smoothly in rehearsal. She says "I've got bruises already on my body from the grabs, flips, twists and turns." She says she's doing acupuncture to help with some of the pain.

Order Trace's Cowboy Club At Quiznos
Country Music World
The sandwich Adkins created for Quiznos as part of a challenge on "Celebrity Apprentice" is now on the menu at the sandwich chain. Trace Adkins Cowboy Club is on sale through April 6th. The club features prime rib, mozzarella cheese, sautDeed onions, bacon and chipotle mayonnaise.

"Celebrity Apprentice"
NEW YORK
Has Trace Adkins taken his last meeting with Donald Trump? He's one of the final four competitors left on the show. But that'll quickly be whittled down to two, as two celebrity contestants will be fired at the start of this week's show. The two remaining finalists will have to put on a charity auction and concert featuring The Backstreet Boys. They'll be helped out by former Celebrity Apprentice alumni. The live finale of 'The Celebrity Apprentice' airs next Thursday on NBC.

More Performers Announced For Cmt Music Awards
Country Music World
Some more star power has been added to the list of performers for next month's CMT Music Awards. Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, LeAnn Rimes, Keith Urban and Brooks and Dunn will take the stage. Previously announced performers include Rascal Flatts, Toby Keith and Alan Jackson. Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus are hosting the show on April 14th from Nashville.

Two Officers Accused Of Holding Steve Holy At Gunpoint Have Been Indicted
DALLAS
Two Dallas police officers accused of holding singer Steve Holy and a friend at gunpoint last year have been indicted on charges that could bring them up to 20 years in prison. The officers have since been fired. They were allegedly drinking and playing foosball at Holy's home when an argument broke out about Holy's identity. One of the officers didn't believe Holy was really the country singer. Holy told investigators that the officers pointed their guns at him and a friend and ordered them to the ground. The four men had gone to Holy's house after meeting at a bar.

Luke Bryan And Wife Welcome A Son
NASHVILLE, Tenn.
Luke Bryan is a new dad. His wife Caroline gave birth to their son yesterday in Nashville. They've named him Thomas Boyer Bryan. They're going to call him "Bo." This is their first child. Bryan says mom and baby "are doing great." He calls the birth of his son, "one of the greatest moments in my life."

Denise Jackson Offers Readers Words Of Wisdom
Country Music World
Alan Jackson's wife is coming out with a new inspirational book. "The Road Home," will be released May 13th. In the book, Denise Jackson shares life lessons and personal journeys. She says "It's never too late to choose the road that leads to abundant, joyful living." Jackson shares how, one step at a time, she renewed her faith and chose the road that led to joy, peace, fulfillment and adventure. She says she wanted to offer her readers "the same life changing truths that transformed my life." Denise Jackson's first book "It's All About Him: Finding The Love of My Life," debuted at Number One on the New York Times List of Best-sellers.

5th Annual Toby Keith & Friends Golf Classic Set For June 6th And 7th
NORMAN, Okla.
Toby Keith is continuing his work to help Oklahoma children with cancer. He'll be hosting the 5th Annual Toby Keith & Friends Golf Classic at Belmar Golf Course in Norman, Oklahoma on Saturday, June 7th. The tournament continues the tradition of supporting Ally's House, an organization that Keith helped establish. It assists pediatric cancer patients and their families throughout the state. The foundation is named for Allison Webb, daughter of Keith's friend and original bandmate Scott Webb. Ally died of cancer in August of 2003, one month short of her third birthday.

Graceland To Unveil Two New Exhibits Chronicling Key Anniversaries In Elvis' Life
MEMPHIS, Tenn.
Some never before seen personal items belonging to Elvis Presley are going on display at Graceland this month. One exhibit features items from Presley's Army days. It includes his fatigues, dress uniforms and army foot locker. Another exhibit includes items from Presley's 1968 TV concert event. It features a wristband he wore with the famous black leather outfit, and several of his costumes. Graceland's also beefed up its VIP Tour, which now lets fans see the deed to Graceland and the living room furniture from Elvis and Priscilla's honeymoon hideaway in Palm Springs, which has never before been displayed to the public. The exhibits open to the public this coming Monday.
 


**** Amy's Kitchen ****  
Strawberry Cake Supreme
1 white cake mix
1/2 c. oil
1 small pkg. strawberry Jello
1/2 c. water
1 c. strawberries, washed and drained
4 eggs

Grease and flour a tube pan. Chop strawberries and drain. Mix cake
with Jell-O, oil, water, strawberries, and eggs. Beat for 4 minutes
total while adding eggs one at a time. Pour into tube pan; bake in
preheated oven at 350 degrees for 40 to 50 minutes.

**** Today's True  Fact ****

MAN CLINGING TO BOAT: SAVE MY DOG FIRST

CORE, W.Va. Life jackets are made for people, not dogs. So, when Randy Earl's small boat capsized while he was fishing with his dog Lacy, a black spaniel mix, he stayed in the water with his life jacket while making sure Lacy was OK.

"When the boat flipped over, I put the dog on top of the boat," Earl told The Dominion Post of Morgantown.

While waiting for someone to rescue them on Mason Lake in northern West Virginia, Earl clung to the 12-foot boat's hull. The water temperature was about 50 degrees, said J.M. Crawley, a senior conservation officer for the Division of Natural Resources.

Another fisherman, Jan Thorn, watched from shore as a state trooper paddled out to rescue Earl and Lacy.

"He asked the state trooper to take the dog first," Thorn said. "It was very touching."

Earl, 53, said Lacy means a lot to him and his wife since they lost both of their children in a car accident 15 years ago.

"That dog is like a child to us," he said.


****A Parting Thought ****
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
to the sender when I finished with it, because he needed to keep it.



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