I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG5vo6Al9nM 
Today's country music video for:
Friday May 2,2008
Connie Smith
The midnight jamboree
watch live
on
http://www.ernesttubb.com/


Sunday morning following t he opry
This week's guest
MAY 3 - DOTTIE RAMBO

Thought For Today: "Folk who don't know why America is
'The Land of Promise' should be here during an election campaign."

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

Hank was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sentence in the Thanksgiving edition of our church bulletin was intended to say, "Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blind to see."

But in what might have been a classic Freudian slip, the sentence read instead..."Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blonde to see."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.

"Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?"

"That I did, sir."

"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"

"No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "Me poor brother couldn't do this to save his life!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instruct- ions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?"

"It says here in your instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op checkup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington state schools have banned Halloween because officials are worried about offending real witches. Students who turn up in costume will be sent home from schools.

An education spokesperson said, "Schools are teaching students to be respectful and take account of the discomfort felt by others. Witches with pointy noses are not respective symbols of the Wiccan religion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It takes a really tall tale to win the annual Burlington, Wis., Liars Club Contest.

So tip your hat to Gordon Zwicky, because he's a worthy champion. In 2000, he beat out 299 other competitors with a whopper about his trip to Florida.

A neighbor, said Zwicky, told him and his wife Dorothy that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later, they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The house lights started to dim as a couple were returning to their
seats after a trip to the movie theater concession stand for popcorn and
soft drinks.

"Excuse me sir, but did I step on your toes on the way out?" the guy
asked the man seated at the end of the row.

"You most certainly did!" the man responded angrily.

"Turning around to his wife, the husband says,

   "All right, follow me, honey.... I found our row."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,
more and more baby boomers and older people are getting hurt while lifting
weights than ever before.
The most common injury in these age groups occurs when the person is
moving the weights around in the closet to make room for their exercise bike
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VADA VE GONNA DO ???

Voolvorth store, I got complaint
About one can of ten-cent paint
My vife, she buy in your damn store
an now, by crype, I plenty sore !!

You see, last veek the spring she come
an everything vas on the hum.
Der walls und floor, der vindows too,
she's dirty like hell I'm tella you.

My vife, she's clean an mighty neat
so she buy paint for toilet seat.
An one whole veek ve vatch vith eye,
but got damn paint she no get dry.

I say to vife, it serve you right!
to try to be so money tight.
Dat ten-cent paint, she no damn good
she vont get dry on dat damn wood.

My daughter, she get ring around
vhen on toilet seat she sit down.
For one hole veek ve stand and vait
und now we all got contispate.

Voolworth, we know not vhat to do !
You got to eat, und some go through.
When pains come on, I almost faint
und squirm and cuss dot got damn paint

My vife got sister named Marie
she live all time in house with me.
You know how sex raise lovely head
I sneak sometimes in Marie's bed.

Last night, I look where she sit down
und there she got the ring around.
Und now from dat hot tailed Marie
I got white ring on front of me.

I try to vipe vith turpentine,
I howl like volf, und lose my mind.
I'm scared to death both night und day,
from vife there vill be hell to pay.

Now Mr. Voolworth, I aksa you
just vhat der hell ve gonna do ??
How can our home be nice and neat,
if your %@#$* paint no dry on toilet seat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a
magazine, I came across an ad for a hair coloring product featuring a beautiful
young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I
asked my husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face
with a few wrinkles?" He looked at the picture, crumbled it up, straightened
it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NORM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was a young Pastor and as usual the enemy
would try to stir up trouble in the family just
before church, so they were running late getting
into town and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the rearview
mirror only to see the lights of the Highway
Patrol ...... busted! Already late for church and
figuring he'd try for leniency, he quickly
slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the
trooper walked up to the window and asked to see
his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the
trooper asked, "You're a Reverend huh?" The young
Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding
ticket and said, "Well Reverend; your speedometer
runneth over."

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started
to walk away, his last comment was, "Oh, by the
way - the Bible on the dash - nice touch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My senior citizens' refresher driving course was almost finished, and the teacher
began to drill us. "What do you do when you want to exit from a freeway?" he
asked.
"Pull into the exit lane before you slow down," the class chorused.
"Good," replied the instructor. "And what do you do when you want to get off
the freeway but miss your exit?"
There was a pause before a woman volunteered, "Ask the post office to forward
your mail." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this
woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped
the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her.
This went on about two minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was
declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to
use them once in a while?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought
her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her
belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her
standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That
didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her
pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.
"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing
and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dogs are not dumb
A friend of mine is an officer with the police department's canine division.
One evening, the officer was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary,
where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his
patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the
dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze
and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he
noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

NEXT DECADE MAY BE COOLER, NOT WARMER
http://abcmail.net.au/t/140810/813752/3043/0/

Check On Your Rebate
https://sa2.www4.irs.gov/irfof/IRServlet?app=IRACTC

Dreamy Ladies
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/dreamy.html

8 Billion Can't Be Wrong
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny754.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny754.html">Here!</a>

His & Her Garages...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/019.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/019.htm"> Here </a>

Forget Your Leader
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny755.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny755.html">Here!</a>

Human Bank...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/018.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/018.htm"> Here </a>

Mirror Site
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/008.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/008.htm"> Here </a>

Love And Marriage...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/046.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/046.htm"> Here </a>

Which is Larger?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny164.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny164.html">Here!</a>

Memory!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny165.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny165.html">Here!</a>

Right Click On Mouse...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/049.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/049.htm"> Here </a>

Fun Flume...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/050.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/050.htm"> Here </a>

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply.

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 
 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214

About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison © ****
Thanks Bill

**** Today's Useless Fact ****

Characters in both "Angela's Ashes" and "Moulin Rouge" die of consumption. What is it?

We’d seen the deadly disease, "consumption", mentioned in historical books or movies, but to tell the truth, we had no idea what it was. As always, we turned to the Lukol Directory to solve this medical mystery.

It turns out that "consumption" is an old name for Tuberculosis (TB) that describes how the illness wastes away or consumes its victims. TB is "an ancient enemy" that has plagued humankind for more than five thousand years. The Greeks called it phthisis, and Hippocrates advised his medical students against treating it, because it was almost always deadly, and a dead patient was bad for business.

Caused by a highly contagious bacterial infection, TB is blamed for 20% of the deaths in 17th-century London and 30% of those in 19th-century Paris (as depicted in Moulin Rouge). In those days, the disease proved deadly for about 80% of its victims. It's estimated that TB has killed over 1 billion people in the last two centuries.

In the past, patients were usually sent to a sanatorium, where a healthy climate (fresh air) and good nutrition were believed to combat the infection. Later, pneumothorax was used, a treatment that collapses the lung then allows it to heal. In the 1940s, advances in science led to the development of several drugs that proved effective against TB. The incidence of the disease began to drop, and it was believed that TB would be extinct by 2010.

Unfortunately, TB is far from being a disease of the past. An effective course of drug therapy lasts 6-8 months, and many patients discontinue the antibiotics before completing the whole regimen. To make matters worse, the TB strain continues to mutate and evolve, becoming more and more drug-resistant. And poverty and the AIDS epidemic, which weakens the immune system making it ripe for attack, have also helped lead to a resurgence of the disease. Every year, about 8 million people contract TB and 3 million die from it.




****A Parting Thought ****
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the right questions.

Last Call Y'ALL
See y'all Monday, have a great weekend

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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