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From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to The Funnies
est.7-4-2000

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

These are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Friday May 9,2008
Today's country music video:
Amber Digby - Jealously Insane
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZgLsL_gtJY
The midnight jamboree
watch live
on
http://www.ernesttubb.com/

Sunday morning following t he opry
This week's guest
MAY 10 - AARON TIPPIN
w/Special Guest - Stella Parton

Thought For Today:
"I knew it was time to get serious about losing weight when
climbing into the bathtub caused my toilet to flush."---Fanny Bright

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife
hasn't spoken with me for six months."

Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make
sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the
salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?

The husband leaned over and calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband to wife: "I'm feeling so depressed today."

Wife: "Why, Honey?"

Husband: "It's just that sometimes I feel so alone and useless."

Wife: "Oh, you don't have to feel so alone. A lot of people think you're useless."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ivonne, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You
      are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either.
      People are going to be punching you all your life. You are a natural
      loser ! Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking
      button." I foolishly asked Ivonne why she was talking to the soda
      machine. Ivonne pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which
      said, ... "Depress button for ice."
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      "I can't understand how the cat came to have kittens," an old lady said to the vet.

      "I never let her out and no other cats are allowed near her." The vet looked around and saw a large tom sitting by the fireplace.

      "What about him? He asked.

      "Oh, don't be silly," said the old lady. "That's her brother."
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE

      It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

      When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

      It scares you to drive the speed limit.

      The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

      You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

      You use cruise control at 25 mph.

      You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

      Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

      Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

      When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

      "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

      His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

      "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      How To Tell If You're Over The Hill

      You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.

      Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

      You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.

      The only reason you're still awake at 2 A.M. is indigestion.

      People ask you what color your hair used to be.

      You enjoy watching the news.

      Your car must have four doors.

      You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

      You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

      You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low.

      You have more than 2 pair of glasses.

      You read the obituaries daily.

      You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

      If any of the above apply to you:

      You Are Over The Hill
      ~~~
Adjust To Life
A man and his girlfriend were married. It was a large celebration.
All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony and
to partake of the festivities and celebrations. A wonderful time was
had by all.
The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was
very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone could tell that the love
they had for each other was true.

A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a
proposal: "I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how we can
strengthen our marriage." she offered.

"Each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit
annoying with the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can
fix them together and make our lives happier together."

The husband agreed. So each of them went to a separate room in the
house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the
other.They thought about this question for the rest of the day and
wrote down what they came up with.
The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that they
would go over their lists. "I'll start," offered the wife. She took
out her list. It had many items on it. Enough to fill 3 pages, in
fact. As she started reading the list of the little annoyances, she
noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes.
"What's wrong?" she asked. "Nothing" the husband replied, "keep
reading your list."

The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her
husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her
hands over top of it.

"Now, you read your list and then we'll talk about the things on
both of our lists." She said happily.
Quietly the husband stated, "I don't have anything on my list. I
think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don't want you to
change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn't
want to try and change anything about you."

The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for her
and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.

IN LIFE, there are enough times when we are disappointed, depressed
and annoyed. We don't really have to go looking for them.

We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise.

Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing or
annoying when we can look around us, and see the wondrous things
before us?
I believe that WE ARE HAPPIEST WHEN we see and praise the good and
try our best to forget the bad. Nobody's perfect but we can find
perfect ness in them to change the way we see them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jane, a blonde, went into a hardware store and bought a box of
mothballs. The next day she returned again and purchased a second box.

When she came back a third time, the salesperson's curiosity got the
best of him and he says,

"You sure must have a lot of moths in your house, lady! That's the 3rd
large box you're buying."

"Oh, I do," says Jane. "And I can't take it anymore. I've been throwing
these little balls at them for two days and I haven't hit a single one
yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cowboy rides into town on a Friday. He stays for just three days, and
then rides out on a Friday again.
      HOW CAN THAT BE???

The horse is named Friday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband
explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the
car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be
arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not
to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter
perked up. "Is it dark yet?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as I was about to sit down aboard a flight, I noticed a screwdriver
lying under the seat. I picked it up and handed it to the stewardess.
"Does this mean we're falling apart?" I asked. "No," she replied
immediately. "I hope it means we're back together."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was having lunch with my daughter Rose, who's five, at our local mall
and was feeling particularly macho for a 45-year-old. All morning, women
had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. Getting up to leave the table,
I ran my fingers through my hair- and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes
that had been lovingly placed there hours before.
*********************************************************

Today's Links:

Video Golden Retriever Rookie -- Early Western Freestyle Routine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgQSysUFdZs&feature=user

How to Establish a Nonprofit Organization:
Forming a new nonprofit is a process that involves two
distinct steps. Generally, you will need to establish
your organization by filing articles of incorporation
with the appropriate agency in your state (usually the
state secretary of state). You will also need to secure
federal income tax exemption by filing the appropriate
forms with the Internal Revenue Service. This Foundation
Center site provides information on how to start a nonprofit.
http://fdncenter.org/learn/faqs/starting_nonprofit.html

Birthday Calculator

http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

Word Crunch

http://www.rocketsnail.com/wordcrunch/index.html

WorldStart Computer Tips

http://www.worldstart.com/tips/cat-topics/8

How Products Are Made
http://www.madehow.com/index.html

Jellyfish Lake
http://www.ShangralaFamilyFun.com/jellyfish.html

101 Web Resources for Students
http://studenthacks.org/2008/03/04/resources/

Game BeJeweled

http://www.popcap.com/games/free/bejeweled

Mother's Day Animated Images
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/agifs_p-t.html

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation
http://www.organdonor.gov/

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism.
http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214

About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison � ****
Thanks Bill
-9-

Hank Snow born Liverpool, Nova Scotia, Canada 1914. Inducted CMHF 1979.

Milton Estes, Grand Ole Opry Member, born Arthur, TN 1914.

Zeke Morris, Bluegrass recording artist/multi-instrumentalist born Old Fort, NC 1916.

Sonny Curtis "Crickets" born Meadow, TX 1937.

Richie Furay, founder of "Poco" born Yellow Springs, OH 1944.

Jimmie Davis elected governor of Louisiana 1944. Jimmie wrote "You Are My Sunshine."

Bobby Lewis born Hodgenville, KY 1946.

Buck Owens' third son, Johnny Dale Owens, born in California 1956.

Joe Melson released "Oh Yeah," and What's The Use," for Hickory in 1960.

Johnny Cash appeared on the Mike Wallace show 1962.

Merle Haggard recorded "Mama Tried," in 1968.

Glen Campbell's single "Oh Happy Day" charted 1970.

Bob Neal, age 65, country music promoter, died in 1983.

Nudie Cohn, age 81, clothing designer for the stars, died in North Hollywood, CA 1984.

Keith Whitley, age 33, died from alcohol poisoning in Goodlettsville, TN 1989. At the time of his death, Keith had a blood alcohol content of .47%. In all states, .10% is considered the point of intoxication.

Tim McGraw moved to Nashville in 1989, the same day that Keith Whitley died.

Songwriter James Myers, age 81, died in Nashville in 2001. James wrote "Rock Around The Clock."

The family of June Carter Cash were asked to gather at Baptist Hospital in Nashville, where June has undergone open heart surgery two days earlier in 2003.

Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News & Views" Page
Compiled by Bill Morrison - billmorrison2002@hotmail.com

**** Country Music News ****
Funeral Services for Eddy Arnold
Thursday, May 8, 2008 � Funeral Services for Eddy Arnold, who passed away this morning, have been scheduled for next week. A public viewing in the Country Music Hall of Fame rotunda is scheduled for Tuesday, May 13 from 5-9 p.m., and on Wednesday, May 14 from 9 a.m.-noon. The funeral service, also open to the public, will be held Wednesday, May 14 at 2 p.m. at the Ryman Auditorium. Burial will be private.

Eddy Arnold dies at 89
Thursday, May 8, 2008 � Eddy Arnold, whose long career in country included 27 number 1 hits in a recording career spanning 6 decades and membership in the Country Music Hall of Fame, died this morning at 89 in Tennessee.
Arnold, known as The Tennessee Plowboy, was part of the breed of country singers who saw the genre swing a bit from more rural and folk sounds to pop-influenced music.

Arnold was born in Henderson, Tenn. May 15, 1918 to a farming family. He was interested in music at an early age with a cousin lending him a Sears Roebuck Silvertone guitar. Growing up, he listened to Gene Autry, Bing Crosby and Jimmy Rodgers.

Arnold's father died when his son was 11, leading to the auctioning off of the family farm by creditors. During the Depression, the Arnolds were sharecroppers. Arnold sang at socials and barbecues for a dollar a night to help his family.

By the time Arnold was 17, h was working on radio and in beer halls in Jackson, Tenn. He also worked as an undertaker's driver. Arno0ld later moved to Memphis and St. Louis for radio work.

In 1950, he joined Pee Wee King's Golden West Cowboys as a featured singer. He played the Grand Ole Opry and also toured military bases in the U.S. and Central America.

He left King for a solo career in 1943. He was on key Nashville radio station during the day and later the Opry. Thanks to WSM station manager Harry Stone and Chicago publisher Fred Forster, RCA Records became aware of Arnold. He had his first recording session for RCA in December 1944, which included one of his signature songs, "Cattle Call."

Arnold was very successful from the get go - his first 57 songs reached the Billboard Top 10 between 1945 and 1954. His first release, "Each Minute Seems a Million Years," went to number 5 in 1945. His first number 1 was "What is Life Without Love" in 1947. He ruled the number 1 spot for 21 weeks in 1947 with "I'll Hold You in My Heart (Till I Can Hold You in My Arms)."

Many of Arnold's hits crossed over to the pop charts as well. He expanded his audience by hosting a segment of the Opry and the Checkerboard Jamboree with Ernest Tubb. Arnold left the Opry in 1948 over a salary dispute and then worked live for CBS Network series Hometown Reunion. He also appeared in two films, "Feudin' Rhythm" and "Hoedown" in 1949 and 1950.

Arnold had several television shows as well, hosting summer replacement series in 1952 and 1953 along with "Eddy Arnold Time" and "The Eddy Arnold Show."

A slump in country in the late 1950s led to slower sales for Arnold, and he considered retiring, but he struck with it and went for more of a pop sound. Arnold's career picked up again with such hits as "What's He Doing in My World" and "Make the World Go Away," both hitting number 1 in 1965.

In 1966, Arnold was elected to the Country Music Hall of Fame. The following year, he won the Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year. While spending most of his career with RCA, he also spent a few years with MGM and Curb. He continued performing concerts and television appearances in the 1980s and 1990s. Arnold's last top 10 song was 1980's "Let Get It While the Getting's Good." His last album was "After All This Time," released in 2005 on RCA.

Singer Jerry Wallace dies
Thursday, May 8, 2008 � Jerry Wallace, 79, who switched from pop to country, died Monday of congestive heart failure.
Wallace was born Dec. 15, 1928 in Guilford, Mo. and raised in Glendale, Ariz. Nicknamed "Mr. Smooth," Wallace was considered a pop act during the late 1950s with a pair of huge hits, before going country in the 1960s and 1970s. Wallace began recording in 1951 and hit the pop charts in 1958 on the Challenge label with "How the Time Flies" and the even bigger hit "Primrose Lane" a year later. His focus became more country-oriented with "Shutters and Boards" and "In the Misty Moonlight" in 1963-64. He switched for good in 1965 after moving to the Mercury label. A move to Liberty in 1968 didn't work out, but in 1972, soon after he began recording for Decca, "If You Leave Me Tonight I'll Cry" topped the country charts (as did the LP "To Get to You"). During the next year, "Do You Know What It's Like to Be Lonesome" and "Don't Give Up on Me" both reached the Top Five, but Wallace only managed 1 more top 10, 1974's "My Wife's House" (for MCA). He charted continually until the end of the decade recording for MGM, 4 Star, BMA, and Door Knob. A total of 35 songs recorded by Wallace made the Billboard charts.

**** Amy's Kitchen ****
Oatmeal Apple Raisin Muffins

Ingredients:
1 egg
3/4 cup milk
1 cup raisins
1 chopped apple
1/2 cup oil
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup quick oats
1/3 cup splenda
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon nutmeg
2 teaspoons cinnamon

Beat egg; stir in remaining ingredients, mixing just to moisten. Pour into 12
greased muffin cups until 3/4 full. Bake at 400� for 15 to 20 minutes. Serve
cool or piping hot with butter.

Diabetic Delight...

Tart Orange Gelatin Salad From Light & Tasty

2 packages (.3 ounce each) sugar-free orange gelatin
Sugar substitute equivalent to 3 tablespoons sugar
2 cups boiling water
1 can (6 ounces) frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed
1 cup cold water
1 can (20 ounces) unsweetened pineapple tidbits, drained
1 can (11 ounces) mandarin oranges, drained
1 cup cold fat-free milk
1 package (1 ounce) sugar-free instant vanilla pudding mix
1 teaspoon grated lemon peel
2 cups reduced-fat whipped topping

In a large bowl, dissolve gelatin and sugar substitute in
boiling water. Stir in orange juice concentrate and cold
water. Add pineapple and oranges; mix well. Pour into a
13-in. x 9-in. x 2-in. dish; refrigerate until set. In a large bowl,
whisk the milk and pudding mix for 2 minutes. Add lemon
peel; mix well. Let stand for 2 minutes or until soft-set. Fold
in whipped topping; spread over gelatin. Refrigerate until set.

Yield: 12 servings.
Nutrition Facts One serving: One piece Calories: 99 Fat: 1 g
Saturated Fat: 1 g Cholesterol: 0 mg Sodium: 149 mg
Carbohydrate: 18 g Fiber: 1 g Protein: 2 g
Diabetic Exch: 1/2 starch, 1/2 fruit.

**** Today's Useless Fact ****

Was the person behind the Tylenol poisonings in the 1980s ever caught?

Unfortunately, the perpetrator of this crime was never caught. Between September 29 and October 1, 1982, seven people in the Chicago area died after taking Extra-Strength Tylenol that was poisoned with cyanide. The victims ranged from a 12-year-old girl to a 35-year-old flight attendant. The tainted Tylenol capsules each contained 65 milligrams of cyanide -- 10,000 times more poison than necessary to kill a person. Two off-duty firemen, Philip Cappitelli and Richard Keyworth, connected the first few deaths within days. They had been listening to information about the cases on their police radios at home.

Investigations ruled out the possibility that cyanide had been introduced into the Tylenol capsules during production. Police believed that someone had bought or stolen the medication from a store, tampered with it, and put it back on store shelves. In January 1983, ABC News reported that the FBI was seeking an unidentified man seen at funerals of three of the victims. But no arrests were ever made in the Tylenol murders case.

Johnson & Johnson, makers of Tylenol, reacted quickly by taking the product off the market. In fact, the company's swift and sympathetic actions are now considered a model of effective crisis management for businesses. The company also offered a $100,000 reward for leads on the murders, but it remains unclaimed.

In November 1982, James Lewis mailed a letter to Johnson & Johnson demanding a $1 million ransom that threatened more Tylenol deaths. Lewis was convicted of extortion for writing the letter, but no evidence was found linking him to the murders. He served 13 years in prison, and while some consider him a prime suspect, he was never charged for the murders.

No motive has been discovered for the Tylenol tampering, although there is speculation about what type of person might do such a thing. The case is officially listed as "unsolved," and the killer may never be caught. However, a few positive results did come out of this tragic event. In 1983, the U.S. Congress passed the Federal Anti-Tampering Act. This legislation made it a federal crime to maliciously tamper with foods, drugs, cosmetics, and other consumer products. Also, since the Tylenol murders, countless manufacturers (beginning with Johnson & Johnson) have added layers of tamper-resistant packaging to their products.

****A Parting Thought ****
What is the difference between mass and weight?
Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight
is where sundaes go on a Catholic

Last Call Y'ALL
On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts
that I can barely utter a word. On other days, the liquor store is closed

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally.
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
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Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
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P.O. Box 521
Carlisle, IN 47838-0521

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