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Subject: The Funnies - May10, 2008



 
 

The Funnies are strictly a DOUBLE opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM
If you choose to censore or delete it.The only ones Sunday May 11,2008 hurt are those waiting on it
and the people they could have helped


 
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000    

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG


I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.


God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


Mothers Day 

 Sunday May 11,2008


Thought For Today:
Happy Mother's Day


A Mother's Dictionary
 
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
      APPLE: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. 
BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
      BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
      BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
      BED and BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. 
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
      COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. 
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
      DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
      DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR." 
      DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
      EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
      ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
      EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.  
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
      FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
      FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
      FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. 
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
       GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded By, but not containing, dirty clothing.
      HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
      HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. 
      HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
      INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. 
      ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
      JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KISS: Mom medicine.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
MAYBE: No.
NO: not in a mother's vocabulary so a child understands.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
      OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
      OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
      OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
QUICK:  The speed at which a child disappears when called.
RE-DRESS: What a three year old wants to do all day long, especially when mother is busy and the laundry is already piled up.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
      STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
      TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
UNDERACHIEVER:  The child when asked to do a simple chore.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHO-DUN-IT: None of the kids that live in your house...
XRAY:   Vision of the kids when hiding something from them.
YARN:  A tall tale.
ZOO:  What the house looks like with toys scattered everywhere.

From Ms.Headache 

 


God's Message to Women


"When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.
Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully.
Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life.
The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.
You are my perfect angel, my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes are beautiful. Your lips, how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form, your hands so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep; I've held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like me. Adam walked with me in the cool of the day and yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you: my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support.
You are special because you are the extension of me. Man represents my image - Woman, my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.
So man, treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me. What you do to her, you do to me. In hurting her, you only damage your own heart, the heart of your Father, and the heart of her Father.
Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self."
Did you know that WOMAN was so special in God's eyes?
- Author Unknown   From Ruthie


Miracles Do Happen
by Clara Wersterfer

 
My dear friends Angie and Joe have a grandson named Corbin, who is nine
years old. A little more than a year
ago when Grandpa Joe was taking
Corbin and his brother to school,
Corbin had a seizure. They
rushed him to the ER. A cat scan was
made which revealed an unknown
mass in his head. They were referred
to a neurosurgeon. Many tests later
the diagnosis was an inoperable
aneurysm, perhaps a birth defect.
The doctor advised Corbin's family
they could not do radiation on his head. The treatment recommended was
to
bore several holes in the skull in order to insert minute particles of
radium. This
procedure had worked well on other
children.
The radium would shrink the aneurysm.
This was the good news. The bad news
was that it would take three or four trips spaced six months apart to
keep the aneurysm shrunk.
Corbin had his first treatment.
Angie and her family are devout Catholics. The Priest gave Angie a
bottle
of Holy Water. She took it and placed some on Corbin's head every day.
Corbin
and parents live across the street from
Angie, so she could see him each day to
use the Holy Water. Then the family
would have prayer before bedtime.
Corbin never waivered in his faith that
he would be healed. He would remind his Grandmother nightly to put the
Holy Water on his head as he slept better. He was not allowed to run or
play with his brother or the other kids. He became a pretty lonely boy,
but he always believed his sickness was only temporary. He would say
"When I get
well, I will play soccer and sports of all kinds, just wait and see." A
few months passed and it was time for
Corbin to have another cat scan. The
doctor studied the scan and set up another treatment for a few months
later.
Last week he had yet another scan in
preparation for the implants. The doctor
called the family in his office and sat
there moving papers around.  Finally
he looked at them and smiled.
 He told them the aneurysm had disappeared!
There was no evidence it had ever been
there. The doctor stated that in all his years of practice, this had
never happened to a patient before. He was simply amazed, and said  he
had not heard of any one being cured with one treatment.
Was it the Radium, or faith and prayer? You be the judge.

From Nancy
Do you have a story to share? Submit it to
Inspired@lighthouse.net

 

 

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 

 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214


About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim


Last Call Y'ALL
Once a mother,always a mother.
No matter how old they get,you're always their
mom and they are alway's your kids. 


HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
Don't take anything you see in the Funnies personally. 
The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME  

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Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
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AMERICA
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