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Subject: The Funnies - May13, 2008



 
 

The Funnies are strictly a DOUBLE opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM
If you choose to censore or delete it.The only ones hurt are those waiting on it
and the people they could have helped




 
From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A.
Welcome to T
he Funnies
est.7-4-2000    

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

These  are clean jokes. However,
They are,
PG - Not intended for  younger readers - PG


I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.


God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


Today's country music video
Amber Digby - Jealously Insane : 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZgLsL_gtJY 

Tuesday May 13,2008

Thought For Today:
I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas.
And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.


I had volunteered to drive my son and four of his kindergarten classmates
to their swimming lesson. As I was the only dad, I was asked to supervise
them in the boys' changing room. My attempts at gentle persuasion while
organizing them after the swim degenerated into a drill sergeant's rant as
the five little boys managed to get more wet than they'd been in the pool.
Finally, to my relief, the last of them had pulled on his shoes and headed
to the lobby. As I passed an older gentleman he said, “I was here last
week and there must have been 30 little guys supervised by just three
adults.” My feelings of inadequacy grew even more until he added,
“All the kids had left the change room except one boy who was in
tears. When one of the adults said, 'What's wrong?' The boy sobbed,
'These aren't my clothes!'” Then, he added, “I think you did okay.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to talk my husband into
joining me in a 20-minute walk each night. One evening after reading an
article called "Brighten You Love Life," I felt I had a new argument to present.
I told my husband that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes
a day it would improve his love life. He replied, "Who do I know that lives 20
minutes away?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother and I had to leave my father lying in a crowded hospital
admittance area overnight. Adjacent to his bed lay a deathly ill woman,
her grim-faced family surrounding her. A priest was there, saying prayers.
The next morning when we returned, the woman was up and pacing the
hallway. "Wow!" I exclaimed to my mother. "What an amazing comeback."
She shrugged and casually quipped, "I told you your father's snoring
was enough to raise the dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school
that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher
was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept
through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that
already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with
my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart,
Don't Start."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health Benefits Of Being Overweight

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as
harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers
some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people
from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's
disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra
pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions
such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and
infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast,
kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra
fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse
baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are
happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's,
Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Star-
bucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
They forgot KFC!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity
would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money
on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my
back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and
said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't
you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw, get
outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a dish of
''hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup.'' He summons a waiter to
complain. The waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down and
yells to the owner in the kitchen, ''Hey, the printers forgot to
translate the menu into French again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Today's Links:
 Video How to Make Balloon Animals : Making 2 Balloon Swans
 
 
Autism Speaks
 
Five Year Old Blind Genius Pianist
 
O.K. Corral Famous Gunfight
 
 Game Bump Copter
Navigate your 'copter and avoid bumping things on the way.
http://www.brainbashers.com/gameloader/loader.asp?game=236

Dallas Cowboys Stadium Via Peggy
Http://stadium.dallascowboys.com/

Water Fuel
http://lionheartcreationsworld.com/WaterFuel.wmv

Love Thoughts
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/love.html

Miracle Baby - Smell Of Rain
http://www.shangralafamilyfun.com/smellofrain.html


Richard Simmons Helps Another One
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/010.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/010.htm"> Here </a>

Being Burgled
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/011.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/011.htm"> Here </a>

Visitors
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny834.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny834.html">Here!</a>

Waited & Waited
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny835.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny835.html">Here!</a>

Exercise is good for you. Do fifteen minutes a day, unless you do it fast,
then it doesn't take as long.

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 

 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214


About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim


****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison © ****

Thanks Bill


-13-

Ray Cash, father of Johnny Cash was born Rison, AR 1897.

Curtis Massey born Midland, TX 1910.

Johnny Wright, of Johnny & Jack, born Mt. Juliet, TN 1914.

Jack Anglin, of Johnny & Jack, born Columbia, TN 1916.

Terry Fell, singer/songwriter born Dora, AL 1921. Terry wrote "Truck Drivin' Man."

Dewey Phillips, Memphis disc jockey, born Adamsville, TN 1926.

Marlon Hargis of "Exile" born Somerset, KY 1949.

Ray Kennedy, musician/songwriter/producer/arranger, born Buffalo, NY 1954.

Mel Tillis released "Case of the Blues," 1957.

The Everly Brothers debuted on the charts with "Bye Bye Love" 1957.

Gid Tanner, age 74, of the Skillet Lickers, died in 1960.

Freddy Fender arrested in Bat on Rouge, LA for possession of cannabis 1960.

Lari White born Dunedin, FL 1965.

Merle Haggard debuted on the Grand Ole Opry 1967.

Tanya Tucker debuted on the charts with "Delta Dawn," 1972.

Bob Wills, age 70, died of pneumonia in 1975. Wills had six #1 singles to his credit. Inducted CMHF 1968. NSHF 1970. Texas CMHF 2000.

Nathan Abshire, age 77, Cajun vocalist/ accordionist, died Basile, LA 1981.

MCA released "Jerry Clower Live at Dollywood' 1997.

Rosa Lola Lee "Rose" Carter, age 82, "The Chuck Wagon Gang," died in 1997.

Kenny Rogers' "Buy Me A Rose," went to #1 in 2000.

Joe Nichols "Man With A Memory," certified Gold in 2003.


Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News & Views" Page
Compiled by Bill Morrison - billmorrison2002@hotmail.com

 **** Country Music News ****

John Michael Montgomery checks into rehab

Monday, May 12, 2008 – John Michael Montgomery voluntarily checked himself into a rehabilitation treatment center at an undisclosed location for substance abuse due to severe anxiety attacks and sleep disorder, according to his web site. Montgomery cancelled all concert dates and personal appearances for the next 30 days.

"I will be disappearing for a while to try and defeat the demons that have stripped me of my energy of life and good health for so many years now," said Montgomery. "I assure you that however long it may take, I'm gonna fight to the end and come out stronger."

Montgomery formed his own label to release his music after being on Atlantic. Stringtown Records, will continue to work his new single, "If You Ever Went Away" in preparation for the September release of his new album, "Time Flies."


 

Eddy Arnold

Country music legend Eddy Arnold died Thursday. My thoughts and prayers go out to Mr. Arnold's family.

I wish I could say that I was a big Arnold fan, but I hardly knew his music, except for "Cattle Call," which he revisited on a duet with LeAnn Rimes on the latter's debut album.

From reading about Arnold in the past and most recently, reading his obituaries, it's quite clear that he did things the right way. The Nashville industry didn't always love him for it, and the fans don't mention him along with the greats - Hank Williams, Merle Haggard, George Jones, but that's not how Arnold wanted it.

He sang love songs and crossed over because he realized there was little future in 1950's honky-tonk in the mid-1960's. He and Hank Williams Sr. came up through Nashville around the same time. Williams is idolized for keeping it country. His troubles - drinking and living it up - are romanticized through songs by other country artists. There's a mystique surrounding Williams, who died on New Year's Day, 1953.

Williams was always the honky-tonker, Arnold, the respectable Tennessee lad.

But what if Williams had turned his life around and lived through the post-rock period? Would, he too, have chosen to put violins over steel guitar? His most ardent fans would say no, but it's impossible to know. Arnold was a businessman first. And when it comes to making money, it's hard to fault anyone for trying to continue their career and remain relevant.

Because he had little drama in his life or an interesting storyline, few will remember Arnold like they do Williams, Cash and even Lefty Frizzell.

If there was a movie about Arnold's life, it would be rather boring. A young man from Tennessee goes to Nashville and sings under the name, "Tennessee Plowboy." When circumstances change, he drifts towards pop. He makes lots of money off wise investments and lives happily ever after.

His off-stage plan should be a blueprint for aspiring country artists. George Strait, like Arnold did, sings a lot of love songs and has only been married to one woman.

The difference is that Strait has stuck to tradition, by modern standards, and has created a brand image, Wrangler-wearing cowboy, that has attracted fans for many years. Strait's ability to represent something - a reminder of tradition in a genre that often rejects it - is why 50 years from now, people will remember him.

Crossing over is a double-edged sword. You get more money and widespread attention, at least temporarily. The pop audience, however, isn't as loyal as their country counterparts. They'll move on quickly to the next artist. Then, the country audience will have to decide whether to welcome back the crossover artist, who is usually too busy counting his/her money to worry about their standing among the genre's fans.
Wonder how/why someone called Country Mike
doesn't know Eddie??????????
 

Gretchen Wilson, Old Crow join Marty Stuart benefit
Monday, May 12, 2008 – Gretchen Wilson and Old Crow Medicine Show were added to Marty Stuart's seventh annual Late Night Jam benefiting both MusiCares and CMA's Keep The Music Playing program on June 4 at the Ryman.
Stuart and his Fabulous Superlatives (Kenny Vaughn, Harry Stinson and Paul Martin) will perform with previously announced guest performances by Charlie Daniels, Muzik Mafia founder John Rich (Big & Rich), Kathy Mattea, blues and gospel hybrid Mike Farris, bluegrass band The Steel Drivers and Texas traditional country singer Sunny Sweeney. Rich will host his own-half as part of the benefit.


Gospel Legend Dottie Rambo Perishes In Missouri Bus Crash
She Was A Big Country Fan

The Missouri State Highway Patrol reports Gospel great Dottie Rambo, 74, died in a bus crash near Springfield, Mo., early Sunday morning (5/11), according to Brad Schmitt.

The bus driver, Ronnie Meadows, is in serious condition and Ms. Rambo’s manager, Larry Ferguson, and his wife and his two children, are also hospitalized in Springfield, Mo., the report says. Chris Barnes, 22, Rambo’s Web master and Mr. Ferguson’s assistant, was in serious condition.

Few details were available, but there were reports that overnight storms and high winds caused the 1997 Prevost bus to crash into a guard rail and an embankment around 2:20 a.m. on I-44, two miles east of Mt. Vernon, Mo.

Rambo was reportedly traveling from Springfield, Mo., to Texas when the crash occurred.

This is a statement from Gene Higgins with the Christian Country Music Awards.

"Dottie Rambo has been an influence in Christian Music for five decades. Even though Dottie was called home, her legacy will go on. Her songs will continue to minister until Jesus returns. As President of the Christian Country Music Associations it was my privilege to know Dottie and in 1994 to present her with the Songwriter of the Century Award. The CCMA also presented her with the Pioneer Award, Living Legend Award, and Songwriter of the Year in 2004. Dottie Rambo was to Gospel music what Loretta Lynn is to Country music. Both are the queens of their era and their genre of music. One of my favorite Dottie Rambo songs is The Holy Hills of Heaven Call Me. She now can see and stand on those hills. May God be with all of us and her family in the days ahead. We miss you, Dottie. Now our prayers and concerns must turn to the others that were injured in the accident. Larry Ferguson is a dear friend of ours and our prayers are with him and his family at this time."

Ms. Rambo was a prolific writer and singer whose hits include We Shall Behold Him, Holy Spirit Thou Art Welcome (In The Place), I Go To The Rock, and Sheltered In The Arms Of God.

Elvis Presley, Barbara Mandrell, Carol Channing, Whitney Houston and Dolly Parton are among those who have recorded Ms. Rambo’s songs. As a young girl, Rambo fell in love with Country music while listening to the Grand Ole Opry in her Morganfield, Ky., home. She started writing songs at at 8, and by age 10, Rambo was singing covers of Country songs on a local radio station.

At 12, she became a born-again Christian, a decision her dad abhorred. He ended up kicking her out of the house, and Rambo started her Christian career.

Rambo met Buck Rambo at age 16 and they married soon after, forming a gospel trio that would launch a 50+ years career in Christian music.

Barbara Mandrell inducted Rambo into the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame late last year, only the 10th woman to enter the hall.

Rambo was slated to release a new album, Sheltered, in the summer. The album was to include a duet with the late Porter Wagoner, Sheltered in the Arms of God, and Dottie was set to dedicate her album to Mr. Wagoner.



**** Amy's Kitchen ****  
I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand  
when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.  
"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,  
ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked  
ones," I answered.  
"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."


Diabetic Delight...
 Walnut-Mushroom Rice
Source dLife

1 tsp Olive Oil
1 cup fresh chopped onion
1 garlic cloves, medium, minced
2 cup fresh mushrooms, sliced
2 cup Broth, chicken, low sod, canned, undiluted
1 cup long grain brown rice
2 tbsp chopped walnuts, toasted
2 tbsp grated parmesan cheese
2 tbsp chopped parsley, fresh, minced
1/4 tsp table salt

1 To prepare, heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over
medium-high heat until hot. Add onion; cook 3 minutes,
stirring frequently.
2 Add garlic and mushrooms; cook 5 minutes; stirring
frequently.
3 Add broth; bring to a boil. Stir in rice; cover, reduce
heat and simmer 20-25 minutes or until broth is absorbed
and rice is tender.
4 Stir in walnuts, cheese, parsley, and salt.
5 Serve immediately.


Makes 10 servings
Nutrition Facts Amount Per Serving Calories 108.2
Total Carbs 17.3g Dietary Fiber 1.2g Sugars1.3g
Total Fat 2.8g Saturated Fat 0.7g Unsaturated Fat 2.1g
Protein 4g Sodium 101.4mg
Dietary Exchanges
Fat 1/4, Meat , Starch 1, Vegetable 1/2
 

**** Today's Useless Fact ****

Why do helium balloons stop floating after a while?

In brief, because the helium leaks out, balloons shrink, and become heavier than the volume of air they displace. This causes them to lose buoyancy and "sink" in the air.

Sometimes you can catch a balloon right around the time it is neutrally buoyant, and applying heat (your hand, for instance) or cold (rub with ice cube) will change its volume just enough to make it rise or sink in the air.

Rubber balloons lose helium quite quickly because of the nature of the material. Thin rubber is not a real good barrier for helium gas. Mylar does a much better job of keeping helium inside, and mylar balloons have much longer "lifetimes" than rubber ones. Check out the links in our
Balloons category for more.



****A Parting Thought ****

I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.



Last Call Y'ALL
My thanks to Da mouse
See ya tomorrow
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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The contents are meant to be jokes, nothing more.
Everyone & everything is an equal opportunity target here.
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Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which ever you prefer.
~
GOD BLESS
AMERICA
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