No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready!" decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife
and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts
that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like
our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military
forces. They are going to retire six over- aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh ...I'm sorry to hear your mother
will be out of work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were
going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and
describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy.

First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid
raised his hand and said "an apple" . The teacher said "Correct".

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors"
a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook!

The teacher said "Correct".

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher agreed.

He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object
is round, hard, and has a head on it."

The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"

Johnny said, "NO. It's a quarter!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth
facility that was more like a spa.

The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight.

"What do you think?" she said

He looked around.

"Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get
him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his
unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually
a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours
late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting
home?', they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and
slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The Robot went around to
Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, " am sorry
I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of
his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad at Tommy. After all,
he's your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
right out her chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase
in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents
near the Station where he was based were so high. She received
the following letter back: "Class Q allotments are based upon the
number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a
child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance,
notify him to take the necessary action." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you
that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's
he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady. "He's only played
three times, but his friends tell me that he's already

throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game
for years!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Are A Bad Cook If...

- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you,
wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on
the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next
afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large
bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in
one piece.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went
to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take
her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I
didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish
away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate
all the bait."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rita and her daughter Alicia were driving with Alicia's
children. They stopped to pick up a pizza because they all were
starving.  Alicia's cell phone rang.  Brian, 9, answered the phone,
saying "She can't talk right now -- she has a piece of pizza in one
hand and is driving with the other... She can't triple task, you
know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yikes! a mouse scurried across my kitchen. I set out
some poison and went to bed. But I didn't realize I left
a half-finished cup of yogurt on the counter. The next
morning when I went to toss it away, I noticed that tucked
in the yogurt were two of the pellets I'd left for Mr. Mouse.
I had to smile. It was like he was saying, "You first."
*****************************************************************