I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.  
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?  
And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD" !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a professional house cleaner, I help invalids and elderly people
with their housework. One day I remarked to an elderly couple that
there never seemed to be any dust in their house.
"No," replied the husband, sadly, "we don't move fast enough to stir
any up." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 This year I decided it was about time for me to get in shape and lose weight.
I joined a gym and made an appointment with Walt, a personal trainer. One day
I found myself reclining self- consciously on a machine with my feet set to
press on a weighted platform. “Do you wear those shoes often?” Walt asked.
“They're my best running shoes!” I declared, dodging the question. He
scrutinized them closely, then asked, “Are those cobwebs on them?” 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I drove my 65-year-old mother to the hospital after she called to say she
had hurt her finger. I stayed with her in the examining room while the
doctor twisted and pulled mom's finger back into place. It was painful
for my mother so I gave her my hand to squeeze. I was wondering if mom
was okay when I suddenly realized I wasn't.
Mom had to drive me home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I stood beside my car, a small dog wearing a bright red sweater ran
up to me. His owners, fashionably attired, stopped to ask if the dog was
bothering me. I answered no and told them how much I admired the dog's
sweater. "Yes," replied the young lady, "isn't it handsome? His
grandmother knit it for him." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jane, a blonde, went into a hardware store and bought a
box of mothballs. The next day she returned again and
purchased a second box.
When she came back a third time, the salesperson's
curiosity got the best of him and he says,
"You sure must have a lot of moths in your house, lady!
That's the 3rd large box you're buying."
"Oh, I do," says Jane. "And I can't take it anymore. I've been
throwing these little balls at them for two days and I haven't
hit a single one yet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 My father and four of his friends built a waterbed frame for my mother.
When they finished filling up the mattress, they all lay on it to test their
hard work. My grandmother came to visit the next day, and my mother
showed her the beautiful bed. She told Grandma to lie on it to see what
it felt like. Grandma was reluctant because she's heavyset and thought
she might burst the water bag. My mother turned to her and said: "Don't
worry, Mom. You can't possibly break it. Just last night I had five men on
it at once." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my wife and I moved into our new home, we couldn't afford to
gravel the driveway. So every day after work, I tossed rocks from the
lawn into the driveway. But after two weeks of tossing rocks, I began
to wonder where they all were coming from. One day, I came home
before my wife and was in the yard when her car pulled in the driveway.
She opened the car door and, before saying a word, picked up a rock
and threw in on the lawn. "Where are all these rocks coming from?"
She said. "I've been tossing them out of the driveway for two weeks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport
company where I worked, I was being
particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely
damaged hood and fender.
My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the
report that asked," Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put "Full gallop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 At a wedding my husband, George, and I attended, the groom got
choked up and shed a few tears. I leaned over to George and
whispered, "Why didn't you cry at our wedding?"
"I would have," he replied, "if I'd known what was in store for
me."
After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different

and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when

it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change.
    As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like

Fruit Loops!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work,
as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married.
As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store,
a co-worker said, "In the past three weeks you've bought enough pills to last
a year and you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying
to attract?"
She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The surgeon in our small hospital was engrossed in an operation to find the
cause of a patient's abdominal distress. When the drawstring of his green
scrubs came undone, his pants slid to the floor, displaying bright polka-dot
boxer shorts. He knew that as circulating nurse, I couldn't fail to notice.
Wryly, he drawled, “This patient is scaring the pants off me!” 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Today's Links:

Video amazing ping pong player ( funny ad )

http://funlok.com/index.php/videos/amazing-ping-pong-player-funny-ad.html

 

Photographs of the American Civil War

http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/gadd/images/platform.jpg

http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/gadd/images/abe.jpg

 

Party Game Central

http://www.partygamecentral.com/

 

Weird Hotels

http://www.weirdomatic.com/eleven-most-weird-hotels.html

 

ATLAS of Plucked Instruments

http://www.atlasofpluckedinstruments.com/

 

Planet Hazzard
http://www.planethazard.com/

 

Game Shooting Gallery

Practice your sharp shooting skills with moving targets.

http://www.brainbashers.com/gameloader/loader.asp?game=89

     

Holiday Graphics
http://www.holidaygraphics.com/memorial/

America's Midis
http://wilstar.com/patrioticmusic.htm

Patriotic Midis
http://d21c.com/emma3/july/midispc.html