I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Today's country music video for: 
Thursday May 29,2008
Jim Ed Brown & Helen Cornelius
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9r139Ft_U8 

Thought For Today:
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain
control of your estate." -- Woody Allen

One-Liners
-------------------
Bi-polar: One who lives at north pole and commutes
to south pole every morning. --Lawrence

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Home is where you can say anything you
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another
man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for
the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best
there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for
a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat
number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at
birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.

After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son.
The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read,
"Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, Morris, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to
this point, could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" Morris exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```

Big Chief Forget-me Not
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the
way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there
ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the
manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the
agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of
his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his
phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of
his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have
for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant
reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He
went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East coast
and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me-not's great memory. (One
local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an
Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton
six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a
stick. "How," said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A family that happened to be very strong in their Baptist faith, decided
they wanted to get a pet. They had one requirement -- the pet had to be
Baptist, also!

So one day they drove to the pet store where they proceeded to ask the
owner,

"Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?"

Surprised by the question, the pet shop owner looked around his shop and
thought about it for a while and finally nodded, saying,

"Wait... a.... minute...... yes, I think we just might have a dog that
could fit your description."

The owner walks over to a group of cages and brings out a small dog to
the family, and the father says,

"We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father says to
the dog, "Go find a bible."

Unbelievablly, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street, and
into a church.....returning with.....of all things....a bible in its
mouth! He runs up to the family and plops down the book at their feet.

Genuinely impressed, the father continues,

"Let's see if this dog knows its books of the bible, tho... 'Turn to
the book of Psalms,'" he commands the dog.

The dog immediately opens the bible with its snout and paws through the
pages....stopping when it reaches Psalms.

Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they bring it
home. The next day, the family has visitors. Proudly, the family shows
off their little Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends of the family ask, "Nice! But, can it do any other
tricks that normal dogs do?"

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. We've never
tried any other commands." He then orders the dog, "Heel."

Suddenly the dog leaps onto the father's lap and places its paw on the
man's head and starts to pray.

"Wait..... a..... minute!" exclaim the friends of the family.

"That dog isn't Baptist!..... It's Pentecostal!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved
old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the
priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent
football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my
opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the
priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve
of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other
team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his
sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful
things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Ten Commandments of Marriage:
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 Marriage is
grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4 Married life is
very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will
lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife
who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the
law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a
matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic
waste.

Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go
Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Melbourne and mine is in
Brisbane.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me, "In the
lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight but, BOY, can she climb a tree now.

9. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

11. Remember, .Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100 percent of all divorces started with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created
man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor
man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A long-married couple
came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in
a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too
far, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment,
but then smiled; "It really works!" In the Clinton administration we
worried the president would open his zipper. In the Bush administration,
they worry the president will open his mouth. "A military judge ruled
that Abu Ghraib Prison should be preserved as a crime scene .. " Why
stop there? How about yellow-taping the Oval Office while you're about
it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Singing In Church

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday
morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged
Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the
Blood."

The Pastor said, "Sex!"

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all
nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old
87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to
perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the
door. The Rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and
asked several questions.

"Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Jewish woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the Rabbi.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the Rabbi asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate- clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While employed at a card-and-gift shop, I received a call from a young woman who had ordered wedding invitations just two weeks before. She wanted to know if it was too late to make a few changes on them. I told her to give me the new information and I would check with the printer. "Okay," she said. "It's a different date, a different church and a different guy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I did get even with my parents. My parents came to stay with me for the weekend in my apartment. You know what I did? I made 'em sleep in separate bedrooms.

My mother said, "What, are you crazy? I've been sleeping with this man for years."

I said, "Look, I don't care what you do on the outside, but when you're in my house..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Talk about a "getaway car"!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1279.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1279.html">Here!</a>

Business Deduction
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1280.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1280.html">Here!</a>

Comfort Pillows...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/043.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/043.htm"> Here </a>

Breaking News...
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/044.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200402/044.htm"> Here </a>|

Brakes not working today?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1296.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1296.html">Here!</a>

He really wanted inside!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1297.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1297.html">Here!</a>

What a relaxing dip?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1298.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1298.html">Here!</a>

Don't Get Down
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060529
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060529"> Here</a>

Kitty Bombers
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060530
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060530"> Here</a>

Poor Eggman
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060531
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060531"> Here</a>

WHAT is IT???
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny368.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny368.html">Here!</a>

Every Blond needs one of these!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny369.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny369.html">Here!</a>

Finally, maybe, an answer to the eternal question!
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny370.html
<a href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny370.html">Here!</a>

"It looks like a bad storm coming," said a hostess to a visiting neighbor.
"You had better stay for dinner." "No thanks," the neighbor said absently.
"I don't think it will be that bad."

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 
 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214

About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison © ****
Thanks Bill