I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Today's country music video for:

Tuesday June 17,2008
Randy Travis - Forever And Ever, Amen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCI7lrncqD0&feature=related

Thought For Today:
  It's time to diet and exercise when you accept the fact that you can fool
some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time,
but not while you're wearing a bathing suit. 

After having failed
his exam in 'Logistics and Organization', a
student goes and
confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: 'Sir, do you really
understand anything about the subject?'

Professor: 'Surely I
must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!'

Student: 'Great,
well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give
me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is
and go. If
you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an
'A'
for the exam. '

Professor: 'Okay, it's a deal. So what is the
question?'

Student: 'What is legal, but not logical, logical,
but not legal,
and neither logical, nor legal?'

Even after
some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot
give the
student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into
an
'A', as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best
student and asks him the
same question.

He immediately
answers: 'Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a
35 year
old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a
25
year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that

you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really
should
have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was on the F train going from Brooklyn to Manhattan,
about 10 a.m. The train was full, and a man got on at Delancey
Street. He was about 60, wearing a worn but clean suit and tie,
scuffed shoes and a trench coat, and he was carrying a shopping
bag. As soon as the train pulled out of the station, he walked over
to the doors and faced them like he was looking in a mirror. From
the shopping bag, he removed a Chinese takeout soup container of
water and began pouring it over his head.

From his pocket, he
took out a small bar of soap and began washing his hair. He took
out another soup container of water and rinsed out the soap. Then
he washed his face and also took a few ice cubes from his pocket and
kept rubbing them over his face for several minutes. At this point,
we had just passed the Broadway-Lafayette station. He splashed the
remaining water over his head and face. The floor was quite wet,
and he took off his trench coat and shook off the water, placed it
neatly over his arm, put the soup containers back in the shopping
bag and got off at West Fourth Street. He dumped the shopping
bag in the garbage can on the platform and proceeded on his way,
looking refreshed and clean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving to work one morning,
I looked over at the car next to me, and the guy was brushing his
teeth! Where was he going to spit?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While driving through
a school zone in South Florida, I noticed the driver in front of
me was driving rather erratically. She swerved from one side of the
lane to the other and back. Fortunately the speed limit was only 15
mph, and she was only doing about 10. I passed her, and as I went
by, I noticed she was smoking. In between puffs on her cigarette,
she was using an asthma inhaler. She had the inhaler in one hand
and the cigarette in the other and was alternating between the two
while switching hands on the steering wheel -- thus the erratic
movements of her car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning as I and about 5
million other cars were stuck on 101 North in Phoenix, I happened
to glance over at a blue Honda. There was a girl on the cell phone,
which isn't unusual. What was unusual was that she was shaving her
legs. That's right. She had one leg up on the dashboard and was
using an electric shaver to free her gams from nasty little hairs. I
looked away and looked back, thinking my Starbucks had been spiked,
but, no, there she was, talking on the cell phone and shaving
her legs. I've seen people read, eat a salad and even tie a tie,
but I've never seen anyone performing acts of personal hygiene
in their vehicle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I work in Center City Philadelphia
and take the SEPTA R5 Regional Rail line in from the suburbs. On
the ride in, we go past West Philly, which is a bit run-down. A
few blocks on that stretch are particularly bad, complete with
boarded-up buildings, burnt-out cars, etc. While taking the train
this morning, I was looking out the window and saw a boat lying
in the middle of the street. Yes, a boat. It was white, about 12
feet long, mostly intact. But that's not the strange part. The
strange part is that someone sprayed graffiti on the side of the
boat that read, "3 hour tour?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw a person driving
down a major highway with a speed limit of 70 mph holding a bowl
and eating cereal with a spoon while driving with his knees. It
was 7:30 in the morning, and traffic was trying to get around him
as he tooled along at about 60 mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six of us at the office decided
we wanted to install remote starters on our cars and thought we'd
get a better deal if we went to the same garage. We shopped around
and found a place that would do all our cars at the same time,
and we went on a weekend to have it done.

At the end of the
day on the following Monday, Allan aimed his remote and pressed
the button. His car flashed its lights and started-then we noticed
Mike's car had started, then Rob's and Dave's, finally two others.

The installers had given all our remotes the same frequency.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were grumbling over their problems. The first
man said, "My wife left me for a man who drives an ice cream
truck."

His friend began to ask, "You mean..."

"Yeah,"
the first guy replied. "She left me for Mr. Softy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda
comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend,

Linda just brought home from the store.

"You got that right
... I almost bought their elevator 'cause it
was marked down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man was applying for a
job with a big company.
"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager,
"but the firm is overstaffed. We
have more employees now than
we really need."
"That's all right," replied the young man,
undiscouraged. "The little bit of
work I do won't be noticed
anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so
naughty during
the week, that her mother decided to give her the
worst kind of
punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the
Sunday School Picnic
on Saturday.

When Saturday arrived,
her mother felt she had been too harsh and
changed her mind.
When she told the little girl she could go to the
picnic after
all, the child's reaction was one of gloom and
unhappiness.

"Why, what's the matter, honey? I thought you'd be happy to go to

the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl
replies sarcastically. . . "I've
already
prayed for rain!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Scientists say
they've found a new link between depression
and obesity. Not
surprisingly it's a sausage link."
-Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Tom Cruise is moving to New York City. You know what that
means - Mayor Bloomberg will no longer be the shortest guy
in town." -David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The church I serve has a
summer ministry at a chapel. At
our first service last summer,
the chairman of the Board of
deacons met me at the door with the
Information that there
were no offering plates to be Found. None
of the men wore
hats, and he thought it Undignified to pass a
shoe. He had
tried to borrow Something suitable from a house
nearby, but
no one Was home.

When I went to the chancel to
begin the service, the problem
was still unsolved. Time came
for the offering, and two
ushers walked down the aisle wearing
broad grins and carrying
shiny receptacles. The deacon had
resourcefully borrowed two
hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping
to
relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed
him
that she had purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten!" he hollered,
"What could any woman want with ten new
dresses??"

My
mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sad
Basset Hound was relating his troubles to his friend. "I'm
really
depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I'm
always
bored, I feel listless and I am always tired." "Why not go see
a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend. "Well, I would," said the

Basset Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My elderly aunt plays bridge regularly with
seven other women,
most of whom are 70 or older. Recently she
told me that they
all celebrated the birthday of their oldest
member by taking her
out to lunch.

When the waitress came
to take their order, one of the women
said to her, "This is a
very special occasion. It's Rosie's ninety
second birthday."

My aunt said, "That waitress made seven instant enemies and
one
fast friend by asking the question,

"Which one is Rosie?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer,
moved to a new town and
joined the local Country Club.

He
went to the Club for the first time to play, but he was told
there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because they were

already out on the course. He repeated several times that he

really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he
would play with him and asked
how many strokes he wanted for
a bet. The 80 year old said, "I
really don't need any strokes,
because I have been playing quite
well. The only real problem
I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well.
Coming to the par four 18th they were all
even. The pro had a
nice drive and was able to get on the green
and 2-putt for a par.
The old man had a nice drive, but his
approach shot landed in a
sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker, he hit
a high ball which landed on the
green and rolled into the hole!
Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the
sand trap where his opponent was still
standing in the trap.

He said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem

getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian,
"I do. Please give me a hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Canadian lumber camp
advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny
little guy shows up at the
camp the next day carrying an axe.

The head lumberjack takes
one look at the puny little guy and
tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny

guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the
head
lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy
heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on
the
lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The
lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you
learn
to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the
puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......That's what they call it now!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WESTPORT, Conn. - Police in Westport, Conn.,
said a
teenager and her father have been charged with breach
of
peace after the student brought her pony to school. Staples

High School junior Sarah Friedson, 17, said she walked her
pony, Cocoa, to school on the last day of classes Friday
partly
as a prank and partly to protest the high price of
gasoline,
the Hartford (Conn.) Courant reported Monday.
Westport police
said Friedson and her father, Ronald, 50,
who was following the
pony in his car, were arrested after
they ignored warnings from
school administrators and a
security guard to keep the pony off
of school grounds.
The elder Friedson said school administrators
overreacted
by calling police. "It's a fat old pony," he said. "He

looks like something out of a cartoon. The only danger is
if
you're a carrot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a
man
who got stuck naked inside the potty. Authorities say the
31-year
old man used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from
inside
a portable toilet in Pennsylvania.

Police say the
man had been drinking and had taken off his clothes.
Somehow,
he immersed himself in the holding tank.

Police charged the
man with public drunkenness and creating a
health code violation,
but they have no idea why he was in the
toilet with his clothes
off. They said he didn't suffer any serious
injuries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEMECULA, Calif. - Employees of a
Temecula, Calif.,
McDonald's said they have captured a chicken
that had
terrorized the restaurant's drive-through lane for
nearly
four months. The employees said the brave fowl would
anger
customers by blocking the drive-through lanes and bother
employees by shedding feathers around the premises, the
Riverside
(Calif.) Press-Enterprise reported. Restaurant
manager Chona
Cauley said the chicken evaded numerous
capture attempts, but
was finally ensnared after it fell
asleep atop a drive-through
window. "Normally, the chicken
sleeps in the bushes," Cauley
said. Esmeralda Ruiz, an
employee who helped capture the chicken,
said she has
adopted the animal as a pet. "She's one of our family

members now," Ruiz said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EUSTIS, Fla. - A group of
Florida students could be facing
criminal charges after two
spray-painted goats were found
clambering around a school in
a puddle of vegetable oil.
Police said they are on the look
out for as many as six
Eustis High School students suspected
of putting two
stolen, spray-painted goats inside the school
in the middle
of the night as a senior prank, WFTV, Orlando,
reported.
The culprits allegedly made sure to grease the floor
with
vegetable oil before taking off, causing the goats to lose

their footing. Police say a security camera recorded
footage
of the suspects walking into the building. "It's
funny as long
as they didn't endanger the animals or
anything. As long as
they don't hurt them ... I don't see
anything wrong with it,"
sophomore student Shelbie Reilly
said of the May 30 incident. If
caught, the suspects could
be charged with burglary and criminal
mischief, WFTV said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going To Bed
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060708
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060708"> Here</a>

Mad Wolf Disease
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060709
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060709"> Here</a>

If I Could...
http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060710
<a href="http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060710"> Here</a>

The 'Any' Key
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/007.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/007.htm"> Here </a>

Internet Aggression
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/008.htm
<a href="http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200411/008.htm"> Here </a>

Stray????
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1266.html
<a
href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny1266.html">Here!</a>

If a town's people have low IQs is the population dense?

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 
 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214

About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

****Bill's Country Calendar ****
****This Country Music History Calendar is reprinted with permission
from the original work copyrighted by Bill Morrison © ****
Thanks Bill

****A Parting Thought ****
My doctor says that I'm not breathing
right.
This, after nearly 540,000 hours of practice

Last Call Y'ALL
see ya later

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
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