On her first morning delivering newspapers, my daughter was riding with her supervisor who was showing her some tricks of the trade. He proceeded to demonstrate how to throw a newspaper accurately. "Now remember," he warned, "it's 5:30 in the morning, so you don't want to make a big ruckus. This customer likes his paper right on his front porch."

The supervisor then hurled the paper toward the house. It landed on the customer's car and set off the alarm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman who works for the state of Louisiana got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.

There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking
up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following
memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hours, please
drink whiskey.  It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than
to think you're stupid.


- Problem Drinking at Work? . . Now solved!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOOF IN MOUTH
One of the customers who frequented the jewelry store where I worked bought many statues of horses from us. She asked me to keep her in mind when I was on buying trips. The day after I returned from one business trip she came into the store and asked if I'd seen any. Without thinking, I replied, "Oh, Mrs. Pumplechuck, every time I see a horse I think of you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The woman who called was most apologetic. She was 20 minutes late for an appointment with my boss, but she said she had no idea how to get to our office. I glanced out the window overlooking our parking lot and happened to see a lady sitting in her car with a cell phone to her ear. "Do you by any chance drive a red four-door car?" I asked. "Well, yes, I do," she replied slowly, and then after a moment's pause, added sheepishly, "I guess I'm here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My uncle had decided to sell his truck and trailer at a lot across town. When he arrived there, he realized he'd left the registration at home. The saleswoman told him he could use the black loaner car with the keys in it to drive back through the heavy rainstorm. At home, he quickly listened to his answering machine. The last message was from the frantic saleswoman asking him to bring the car back right away. The one he had taken belonged to a customer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As we were moving into our dorm last fall, young women wandered from room to room to see who had brought what to school. One student's room contained a TV, VCR, stereo system, microwave, and a number of other high-tech gadgets. She even had a Nintendo 64.

A fellow dorm resident couldn't resist asking, "Do you play Nintendo 64?"

The girl's response: "No, but the guys do!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs Santa Claus was seeking a divorce in court from an incredulous judge
who asked her to explain her maritial problems.

"Judge, it's that happy jolly stuff all year long," she said. "It drives
me CRAZY!"

"All year? Why I thought Santa's work was only in the winter." said the
judge.

"Sure, but in summer he takes up gardening," Mrs Claus replied, and
then...

     it's hoe, hoe, hoe, all over again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My teenage son got a job bagging groceries at the Fort McCoy Commissary, where he worked for tips only. Hoping to improve his tipping percentage, he often engaged customers in conversation.

One man was telling my son that he had had his ID card since World War II.

"No-o!" my son said. "You don't look a day over Vietnam!" He got a good tip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is Marketing?

WELCOME TO MARKETING 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say,

"I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.  One
of your friends goes up to her and, pointing at you says,

"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say,

"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment
her hair.  You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops
it, offer her a ride, and then say,

"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says,

"You are very rich..."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say,

"I'm rich. Marry me"

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my job with a credit union, I often run across accounts that are protected by password.

The credit-union member, when withdrawing funds, must produce identification and then give the password to the teller.

Recently, when I asked a woman for her password, she sighed, rolled her eyes and replied, "Save."

I was puzzled until she explained, "My husband used that password so I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shortly after Grandma died, Grandpa was driving my sister and me on a shopping trip. We were aghast at the tales he told us of what a terrible driver Grandma had been. In the middle of one story, we arrived at an intersection. The light was green, but instead of going through, Grandpa stopped. My sister and I both exclaimed that he had the green.

"Well," Grandpa said frostily, "it's usually red when I get here!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I cautioned my eight- and ten-year-old children, Andy and Susan, that if they wanted to play outside, they must stay off their bikes while I went to the airport, just two blocks away, to give a flying lesson. On my way out I left the phone on the porch. While my student and I were circling the airport, we flew over my house and I noticed Andy cruising around on his bike. I called the tower controller. "Jack," I said, "would you call my house, please, and tell Andy to get off his bike and go to his room." When Andrew answered the phone, Jack repeated exactly what I had said. Later, I arrived home to find Andy sitting on his bed, a worried look on his face. "Mom, I'm sorry," he said. "I was riding around on my bike, but God saw me and made me go to my room."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boy was riding in the elevator of a very tall building with his parents. He tugged on his father's coat and, when his father bent over, asked him a question.

The father frowned and shook his head. The little boy tugged on his father's coat again, and asked the same question.

"No!" said the father.

When the little boy tugged on his father's coat a third time, the father lost his patience and said, "I don't care how Superman does it! We're going up this way!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Jill decided to take a trip to Australia. She booked herself on a bus tour, and noticed that a lot of signs were in English and in the Aboriginal language, which her guide carefully pronounced. Eagerly, Jill offered to try and pronounce the next sign she saw. As the next sign came up, Jill read aloud, "Riff-ley rang-gee. Is that right?"

"Well," said the tour guide, "I would have said rifle range."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Business must follow numerous rules and regulations laid down by government agencies. So maybe we shouldn't have been surprised by the memo from the county Department of Health Services.

"The month of August has been designated as Breast-Feeding Awareness Month," it read. "It is a good time for employers to review their policies relative to breast-feeding employees."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late -- and you're still not ready?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage
questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor
before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When
they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own
free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the
apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Hercules transport was due to arrive at the McGuire AFB bringing a patient, and we were to meet it with the military ambulance. When I, a registered nurse, arrived, I saw a large grey aircraft I couldn't identify quite a distance down the tarmac. Since it could have been the plane I was to meet, I radioed operations and asked whether it was the Hercules.

"No, Ma'am, that's an Aurora," came the reply. "When the big fat green plane lands that's a Hercules."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUESTION
Have you noticed that when you wash tight clothes they get tighter,
but when you wash loose clothes they only get looser?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can be good, fast, and cheap.

Choose only  two.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**** ON THIS DAY ****
Puppies For Sale
 
I wonder how many of us amputees would get a free puppy!?!?!?!
-
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign
advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the
edge of
his yard.
-
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his
overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
-
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said
the
farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "These
puppies
come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
-
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his
pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the
farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a
look?" "Sure,"said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.
"Here, Dolly!" he called.
-
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four
little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the
chain
link fence. His eyes danced with delight.
-
As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed
something else
stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared,
this
one noticeably smaller.
-
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little
pup
began hobbling toward the others,doing
its best to catch up....
-
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The
farmer
knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that
puppy.
He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs
would."
-
With that the little boy stepped back
from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both
sides
of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
-
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too
well
myself, and he will need someone who understands."
-
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the
little pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
-
"How much?" asked the little boy.
-
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
-
The world is full of people who need someone who understands. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My adult son was having serious trouble breathing, so I called
for an ambulance.

I was surprised to find him smiling when I got to the hospital.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I'm just glad to be here," he explained. "When I looked up at
the two EMT's hovering over me, I caught a glimpse of their name
tags. One guy's read 'Priest,' and the other said, 'Buzzard.'"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home
and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in
most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor
to the occasion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, the aide
asked the group to complete well-known phrases. For example,
she would prompt them with, "better safe" and they would respond,
"than sorry." The game proceeded as expected until she got to the
phrase "Make love, not war." She had barely gotten out the first
two words when a ninety-year- old woman shouted from the back,
"While you can!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I dropped off my wife at a department store and went to park our car.
When I entered the store, I was greeted by a woman who offered me
a shopping cart. "No, thank you," I replied. "I'm looking for my wife."
"What does she look like?" the woman asked.
"Well, she's short like you," I said, "and she's wearing her university
sweatshirt. And, oh yes, "I kidded, "She would have been without a
good-looking guy who would have looked just like me."
"The lady you describe came through here a moment ago," she said,
grinning mischievously, "but the man who was not with her was
much better-looking than you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism some years ago, then we learned
that our 12-year-old cat had the same condition. When my 35-year-old
daughter thought she might have some of the symptoms, she suggested
to her doctor that perhaps she should have a blood test to check it out.
He asked if anyone in her family had a thyroid gland disorder. "Yes," she
answered, "my mother and the cat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against
a
tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of
bones,
he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in
relief...."I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of
human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in
shame.
"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it
so
wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief.
"I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good
Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~