One day, long, long ago.......

There lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *itch.

But this was a long time ago.......and it was just that one day.......Norm

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Little Melissa came home from first grade and told her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,' she asks,'will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?'

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden,' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a Little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone Anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.'

'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the sucker.'

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The final exam in electrical engineering worried my son, Don. On the last day of class, the professor wished the students luck as he wrote a phone number on the blackboard. "If anyone has difficulty understanding the review material, call this number." he said as he dismissed the class. On Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems Don reached for the phone and heard a recorded message from Dial-A- Prayer.
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Recovery was slow and painful after I broke my leg, but finally I was back at work. However, each step I took was in anticipation of the pain that would follow, and the end of each day's shift at the hospital was a blessing. Finally, sitting opposite my wife at breakfast on Friday morning, I said, "I'm sure glad the weekend's coming, for the sake of my leg."

"Yes," she agreed. "It needs a break."
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Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from Bergen County, New Jersey, was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Help!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes.

"Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that nothing around here opens on a Sunday!"
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 I had just put the children to bed on our camping trip when
a baby skunk moseyed into the washroom I was using.
Knowing the mama would be close by, I froze. But when
the baby skunk tumbled into the garbage and began to cry,
I bolted for the door. Sure enough, mama came running,
her tail held high. To avoid her, I vaulted over a rail into
the bushes, smack onto a raccoon.
The raccoon screeched, the skunk sprayed, and I was
stuck in the middle. The doctor couldn't stop laughing
as he tended my wounds...and told me I'd landed in
poison oak. 
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When he discovered that raccoons had found the corn
patch, my father placed a live trap nearby and carefully
baited it with bananas and peanut butter. Days passed,
but no raccoons were caught, so Dad changed the bait
to kippered herring. Finally an animal was caught.
Securely locked in the wire-mesh box was our cat. 
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I had seen some new boys about my 13-year-old daughter’s
age fishing at a pond near our country cabin, and I mentioned
to her that they might benefit from some of her fishing expertise.
She got out our binoculars and took a look at the boys, then
went into the closet and came out with a remote-control boat.
"Why aren’t you taking your rod?" I asked.
"Mom," she smiled mischievously, "a fisherman knows his bait." 
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Donna and our son, Mike, share jobs around their
apartment. He cooks; she cleans and does the laundry.
One evening when they were over for a family dinner,
Mike said he thought the T-shirt Donna was wearing
was his. She insisted it was hers because she found
it in her drawer. "Who puts the laundry away?" I asked
them. "I do," she replied. 
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Our 13-year-old son, Ben, used his farm wages from
the summer to buy two cows. Unfortunately, not long
after, one of them got sick. It was treated, and we
hoped it would get well. Then one evening as I was
preparing supper, a very concerned-looking Ben
came in, sat at the table and said, "You know, Mom,
if that cow dies, I've lost half my herd." 
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When teacher asked in what part of the world the most
ignorant people were to be found, a small boy volunteered
quickly, "In New York."
The teacher was amazed, and questioned the lad as to
where he had obtained such information.
"Well," he replied, "the geography says that's where the
population is most dense."
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Our friend hates to work out, which means the treadmill
in her bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she
swears by it. "It really works," she told me. "I throw my
jeans over it and they get smaller." 
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