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July03, 2008 - The Funnies >> |
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strictly a DOUBLE opt-in service.THIS IS NOT SPAM If you choose to censore or delete it.The only ones hurt are those waiting on it and the people they could have helped  From Carlisle ,Indiana
U.S.A. Welcome to The Funnies est.7-4-2000 "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." These are clean jokes. However, They are, PG - Not intended for younger readers - PG
Honey - Bobby Goldsboro Need a tissue? A veterinarian was feeling ill and
went to see his doctor.
The doctor asked him all the usual
questions, about symptoms,
how long had they been occurring,
etc., when the veterinarian
interrupted him, saying, "Hey look,
I'm a vet - I don't need to
ask my patients these kind of
questions. I can tell what's wrong
just by looking. Why can't
you?"
The doctor nodded, looked him up
and down, wrote out a
prescription, and handed it to him
and said, "There you are.
Of course, if *that* doesn't work,
we'll have to have you put down."
=====================================================
A priest at a parochial school,
wanting to point out the proper
behavior for church, was trying to
elicit from the youngsters
rules that their parents might give
before taking them to a nice
restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one
second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and
so on.
"And what rule do your parents give
you before you go out to
eat?" the priest inquired of one
little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child
replied, "Order something cheap."
=====================================================
A man realized he needed to
purchase a hearing aid, but he felt
unwilling to spend much money. "How
much do they run?" he asked the
clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman.
"They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he
said.
The clerk put the device around the
man's neck. "You just stick this
button in your ear and run this
little string down to your pocket," he
instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer
asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the
salesman replied. "But when people
see
it on you, they'll talk
louder!"
======================
Q. Why do women have smaller feet
than men?
A. So they can stand closer to the
stove and sink.
======================================
A tour guide was showing a tourist
around Washington, D. C.
The guide pointed out the place
where George Washington
supposedly threw a dollar across
the Potomac River.
"Big deal," said the tourist. "A
dollar went a lot farther
in those days."
============
I was inspecting communications
facilities in Alaska. Since
I had little experience in flying
in small planes, I was
nervous when we approached a
landing strip in a snow-covered
area. The pilot descended to just a
couple hundred feet,
then gunned both engines, climbed,
and circled back. While
my heart pounded, the passenger
beside me seemed calm. "I
wonder why he didn't land," I
said.
"He was checking to see if the
landing strip was plowed,"
the man said.
As we made a second approach, I
glanced out the window. "It
looks plowed to me," I
commented.
"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't
been cleared for some
time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me,
"I'm the guy who drives the
plow."
=====
"I have been teaching patriotic
songs to my children over the
past few weeks. In a moment of
inspiration, my 5 year old
daughter belted out, 'O beautiful,
our spaceship guys...'"
===========================================
A blonde decided to decorate her
bedroom. She wasn't sure how many
rolls of wallpaper she would need
but he knew that her friend (also a
blonde) next door had recently done
the same job and the two rooms were
identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls
of wallpaper did you buy for your
bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls
of paper and did the job, but had 2
rolls left over.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten
rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom,
but I've got 2 left over!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did
I."
=====================
Two blondes were working on a
house. The one who was nailing down
siding would reach into his nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it
over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was
worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I
pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away
'cause it's defective. If it's
pointed toward the HOUSE, then I
nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely
upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The
nails pointed toward you aren't
defective! They're for the OTHER side
of the house!!"
===========
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty
customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but
I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith.
"You know that I argue every bill
and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still
like twenty customers like you. The
problem is, I have two hundred
customers like you."
=========================================
A cruise ship docked at a Mexican
port during a very high tide.
Everyone on board was forced to use
the ship's narrow gangplank
as a passageway to the dock far
below.
The staff stood motionless when a
passenger in her 90s appeared
at the top of the plank. There
wasn't room for anyone to assist her,
so she edged along slowly and
finally made it down to the dock
safely, to everyone's
relief.
As she stepped onto solid ground,
she turned, looked back at the
top of the plank and shouted, "It's
okay, Mother, you can come down now."
============================================================
Marvin has gotten to the age where he needs his false teeth and hearing aid before he can ask
where he left his glasses.
================================================
HIGH DEFINITION HILARITY From ABRITELITE ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. =============================================== I was about to tell my kindergarten class a story about the creation of totem
poles. To start, I asked if anyone knew what a totem pole was. One boy, brimming
with confidence, waved his hand and declared, "It's a frog before it has arms
and legs." Today's Links:
Video Fuzzy Zoeller Amazing Hole In One
Need some excitement in yor life??
http://www.watching Web sites you should see before you go on
vacation.
Name That Candy Bar
Japanese Manhole Art
Strange Links
http://www.strangef Game Jigsaw Puzzle Thistle & Bee
On edge Instructions
href="http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny679.html">Here!
Illusions at
work... Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
-26- Colonel Tom Parker, born Breda, Netherlands 1909. Bill Gatins born 1909. Doc Williams of "Doc & Chickie Williams," born Cleveland, OH 1914. Kenny Baker, Traditional Bluegrass/Fiddle, born Jenkins, KY 1926. Frank Wakefield, "The Greenbriar Boys," born Emory Gap, TN 1934. Ralph Ezell, bassist, "Shenandoah," born Union, MS 1953. Hank Williams topped the charts with "Take These Chains From My Heart" 1953. Cedarwood Publishing opened 1954. Roy Drusky's single "Three Hearts In A Triangle" charted 1961. Capitol Records released Buck Owens' single "Your Tender Loving Care" 1967. John Denver's single "Take Me Home, Country Roads" charted 1971. Gretchen Wilson, born Granite City, IL 1973. The Oak Ridge Boys made their chart debut with "Family Reunion," in 1976 Elvis Presley gave his final concert in Indianapolis, IN 1977. Vernon Presley died in Memphis, TN 1979. The Oak Ridge Boys topped the charts with "Little Things" 1985. Alan Jackson signed with Arista Records 1989. Johnny Cash played the Glastonbury Festival in England 1994. Garth Brooks set an all time record at Fan Fair, when he signed autographs for twenty-three consecutive hours in 1996. Only Chris Gaines knows why. Shawn Camp released his album "Lucky Silver Dollar" 2001. Carlene Carter and boyfriend Howie Epstein, of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, were arrested in Albuquerque, NM, by the New Mexico State Police in 2001. Felony charges of receiving or transferring a stolen vehicle, and possession of a controlled substance (3 grams of heroin) were filed against the couple. Carlene is the daughter of Carl Smith and June Carter. She was arrested one week earlier by Santa Fe County Sheriff's Deputies, after failing to appear in court on a bad check charge. Also visit: Bill's "Rockabilly Country News & Views" Page Compiled by Bill Morrison - billmorrison2002@hotmail.com **** Country Music News **** McGraw subdues fan at concert Wednesday, June 25, 2008 – Tim McGraw security guard? That's the role he played in Washington Tuesday night during his own concert. McGraw spotted a large male fan who may have hit a woman. When security did not come quickly enough, McGraw started pulling the concert goer on stage.As McGraw was pulling the man onstage, two crew members came over to help McGraw. The man then started walking on stage and a video of the concert at TMZ.com shows McGraw cocking his arm as if getting ready to hit the man, but McGraw refrained from doing so. He then picked up singing the verses to "Indian Outlaw." Tmz.com had the following posting from what it said was a McGraw representative, "While Tim was performing at the White River Amphitheater in Auburn, Washington last night, he watched a man rush to the front of the stage. This overly aggressive fan attacked a female fan, and Tim witnessed this incident. Tim called for security, but when they could not respond quick enough, Tim and several crew members removed the fan from the audience where he was then turned over to the local authorities." Press Release--please announce: There will be a free Bluegrass Concert on Sunday June 29th from 1-5pm by The Beth Coleman Band at: The Route 18 Indoor Market, 290 Route 18 (North) East Brunswick NJ Free parking; international food court on premises. Phone: 732/254-5080 The Route 18 Market is located 3 miles from Exit 9 of the NJ Turnpike at Tices Lane & Route 18 northbound. Terry Smith is spearheading a drive Hi, Just a word before you read the following flyer that we've handed out at a couple of recent festivals. Dawn Petty is a fellow musician and friend of mine who often plays fiddle with me on my gigs, especially those in the Midwest. The flyer will explain that she needs cataract surgery on both her eyes. I talked with her recently, and she told me that if the cataract were as both in both eyes as it is in one--right in the line of vision--she would not be able to drive at all. We started this effort to help her in late May, passing out flyers at two festivals. We don't know the exact amount that is needed, but based on the cost of my two cataract surgeries, we think we have raised almost enough to have one eye done--a great testimony to what can be accomplished when a lot of people do a little. Actually, we stopped this effort because Dawn got a letter from the medical establishment saying that she was going to get some help from them. Unfortunately, that letter did not prove to be accurate. Dawn, not knowing about this fund, thinks she is back at square one, and she needs these surgeries NOW. So, we said to heck with bureaucratic red tape and are now back on task. I know many of you have already donated in person at the festivals, and I know that many of you do not know Dawn. But if you decide to donate, I can assure you that you'll be helping someone who loves music, loves making music, and loves sharing her passion for music with youngsters. If you choose to contribute, please do not send your checks to me. This will only slow down the process. Send them directly to Ron and Jan Cimmiyotti, whose address is given in the flyer. Feel free to forward this e-mail to anyone you think might be interested in helping. Thanks so much, Terry Smith Nashville, TN MUM'S THE WORD LET'S KEEP THIS A SECRET FROM DAWN. SMALL DEEDS DONE ARE BETTER THAN GREAT DEEDS PLANNED. Peter Marshall We don't know why bad things happen to good people, but sometimes because of circumstances beyond our control, things just don't turn out the way we want them to. One of our friends on the country-music scene, Dawn Petty, the talented fiddle player whom we have enjoyed as she plays at various festivals and shows throughout the year has come upon some hard times and needs a little helping hand to get "back in the saddle." Dawn has been diagnosed with cataracts in both eyes and badly needs surgery on both. Unfortunately, Dawn does not have health insurance that will cover this medical procedure, which will cost an amount that is beyond Dawn's budget at this time. Because of the deterioration of her eyesight, it has become increasingly harder for Dawn to work with her upholstery business. Driving has become more difficult, and the cataracts are presenting some challenges with even the work she does teaching young students to play guitar, fiddle, and banjo. Teaching these youngsters to play, helping them to develop a love for music, and providing them opportunities to gain confidence by performing in public are all very important to Dawn. Those of us who have witnessed Dawn's efforts to get her kids on stage to perform at various festivals can certainly attest to her devotion to her students and to the bond they feel toward her. Terry Smith is spearheading a drive to help raise money to enable Dawn to have the surgeries she needs. We are asking you, out of the goodness of your heart, to donate to this fund that will be handled by two of Dawn's wonderful friends, Ron and Jan Cimmiyotti. Any amount, large or small, will be appreciated and will go toward the surgeries. You can make donations at Terry Smith's product table, or you can send a check or money order made out to Jan Cimmiyotti to the following address: Ron and Jan
Cimmiyotti
606 Pfeiffer Avenue Charles City, IA 50616 Again, Dawn does not know we are making this effort to help, so help us keep this a secret from her. Thanks for your concern and your generosity! Willie's Place Opens July 3rd In Central Texas Biofuel, Food And Incredible Entertainment Willie Nelson holds a press conference next Thursday (7/3) and perform in concert at Willie's Place Theater at Willie's Place At Carl's Corner in Central Texas to preview the roadside oasis pumping and producing BioWillie premium biodiesel fuel and its entertainment complex and services and amenities for truckers and travelers. Willie's commitment to energy independence, America's farmers, the environment and the community where he was born and raised all come together with his stature as a superstar musician and entertainer with his involvement in the rebuilding and expansion of the landmark Carl's Corner truckstop into a roadside oasis and entertainment complex for 21st Century trucking and travel. Willie's Place at Carl?s Corner will include: ? The largest fueling station pumping BioWillie premium biodiesel in the nation. ? A state of the art entertainment complex that includes the two music venues, both featuring the finest national and Texas musical artists. ? An XM satellite radio broadcast studio that will be the home base for XM's Willie's Place traditional country music channel. You will be able to see on-air personality "Kilroy" live in action! ? A modern, full-service roadside facility for truckers and travelers with a restaurant and other food services, clean restrooms and showers, a laundry, overnight parking for trucks, cars, busses and RVs, general store and gift shop, media room and HDTV big screens throughout Willie's Pace showing sports, news and entertainment, and wireless internet service. ? A BioWillie production facility where local farmers can bring their crops to be transformed into fuel that they can also use to power the diesel vehicles and equipment. ? An exhibit of Willie Nelson memorabilia at the Theater and a central locale for purchasing Nelson merchandise. ? The famed dancing frogs by noted Texas artist Bob Wade that were a landmark sight on I-35 by the side of the road atop an 18-wheeler that will now welcome visitors to the entertainment complex. The July 3rd Willie's Place event is an invitation to preview America's most unique truck stop, with food by Texas Roadhouse Restaurants, all day concerts on three stages, a live look at XM satellite broadcasting -- but remember to fill up before you stop off because the pumps won't be pumpin' until September! The day's events will include concerts by Merle Haggard and Ray Price at the Willie?s Place Theater along with the Willie Nelson show that is being broadcast on XM. Nelson will also be playing at sold-out benefit concert at the Theater for the Freddy Powers Parkinson's Foundation on Monday (6/30), Tuesday (7/1) & Wednesday (7/2). David Allan Coe and Ray Willie Hubbard will perform at the Whiskey River Saloon. On Saturday (7/5), Nelson will also be hosting his legendary Fourth Of July Picnic at The Showgrounds at Sam Houston Race Park in Houston. Performers include Nelson, Merle Haggard, Ray Price, Pat Green, Los Lonely Boys, Asleep at the Wheel, David Allan Coe, Ray Wylie Hubbard, Billy Joe Shaver and Johnny Bush. For more
info, click here. Len “Snuffy” Miller, who was the drummer in Bill Anderson’s original Po’ Boys band, was found dead in his Nashville home Tuesday (6/24). Years ago, Bill Anderson wrote in his autobiography, “I nicknamed him ‘Snuffy’ because of his nervous habits when we would travel. In those days, we rode to our concert dates in cars, and Snuffy was always afraid we were going to have an accident. ‘Look out!’ he would constantly yell at whomever was driving, that car’s gonna pull out in front of us and we’re all gonna be snuffed out.” Bill continued, “I finally heard ‘snuffed out’ one too many times. Len, if you say that one more time, when we go onstage tonight I’m going to introduce you as ‘Snuff Miller,’ I threatened. He did and I did, and from that moment on nobody ever called him Len again. Snuffy was a big fan favorite on the road because he was so animated and so naturally funny. The wacky nickname didn't hurt either. Snuffy also possessed a good singing voice and he could go from being very funny to singing a serious song and leave the audience breathless. A major New York newspaper once wrote in a review of the show that Snuffy's stage antics was "cornball humor done well." He also tried to make it on his own as an artist, then later he played drums for both Dottie West and Nat Stuckey. He produced records for awhile, the most notable being the very successful comedy albums for Jerry Clower. He also worked in various capacities behind-the-scenes for Conway Twitty, but eventually gave up on the music business altogether and became a bus driver for the Nashville Sounds minor league baseball team. He also drove for some of the athletic teams at Vanderbilt University. **** Amy's Kitchen **** Banana Cheesecake from Dessert Du Jour 2 cups graham cracker crumbs 1/2 cup finely chopped pecans 1/4 cup sugar 1/2 cup butter, melted 3 8-oz. pkgs. cream cheese, softened 3/4 cup sugar 1 tsp. vanilla 3 eggs 1 cup mashed bananas (about 2 medium) 1 8-oz. carton dairy sour cream 2 Tbsp. white cr?me de cacao 2 Tbsp. dark rum 1 1/2 cups flaked coconut, toasted Preheat oven to 350 F. For crust, in a medium bowl combine graham crackers, pecans, and 1/4 cup sugar. Stir in melted butter. Press crumb mixture onto the bottom of a 13x9x2-inch baking pan. Set aside. For filling, in a large mixing bowl beat cream cheese, 3/4 cup sugar, and vanilla with an electric mixture until combined. Add eggs all at once, beating on low speed just until combined. Stir in mashed bananas. Pour filling into crust-lined pan. Bake for 30 minutes or until center is set. Meanwhile, in a small bowl stir together the sour cream, cr?me de cacao, and rum. Spoon sour cream mixture over filling, spreading evenly; bake for 5 minutes more. (Sour cream layer may crack slightly). Cool in pan on a wire rack. Cover and chill for 4 to 24 hours. To serve, sprinkle with toasted coconut. Makes 20 servings. Nutrition facts per serving:Servings Per Recipe 20 servings Calories 378 Total Fat (g) 28 Saturated Fat (g) 17 Monounsaturated Fat (g) 7 Polyunsaturated Fat (g) 2 Cholesterol (mg) 87 Sodium (mg) 216 Carbohydrate (g) 27 Total Sugar (g) 12 Fiber (g) 1 Protein (g) 6 Diabetic Delight...
SWEET AND SOUR STIR-FRIED CABBAGE AND DUMPLINGS
Source: "Express Lane Diabetic Cooking" 16 frozen vegetable dumplings (2 (6.4 ounce) packages) 1-1/2 cups fat-free, reduced-sodium chicken broth 3 cups shredded cabbage and carrots (pre-shredded coleslaw mix) 1/2 cup sliced green onions 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 1 teaspoon onion powder 1/2 tablespoon honey 1/2 tablespoon sesame oil 2 tablespoons lite soy sauce 2 tablespoons rice vinegar 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar Combine broth, cabbage and carrots, and green onion in a wok and stir-fry for 5 minutes. Combine the ground ginger, onion powder, honey, sesame oil, soy sauce, rice vinegar, and apple cider vinegar. Add to the cabbage-carrot mixture. Add dumplings at end and cook until heated through. Yield: 4 servings
Nutritional Information Per Serving (4 dumplings, 3/4 cup cabbage): Calories: 125, Fat: 3 g, Cholesterol: 0 mg, Sodium: 575 mg, Carbohydrate: 21 g, Dietary Fiber: 2 g, Sugars: 9 g, Protein: 4 g Diabetic Exchanges: 1 Starch, 1 Vegetable, 1/2 Fat Low / No Fat:
Mustardy" Pasta
The McDougall Quick & Easy Cookbook 1 pound uncooked linguine -- or spaghetti 2 cups small cauliflower florets 2 cups small broccoli florets 1/4 cup water 1/2 cup thinly sliced leeks 1 teaspoon minced fresh garlic 1 tomato -- chopped 2 tablespoons snipped fresh parsley 2 tablespoons Dijon-style mustard 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar Freshly ground black pepper -- several twists Soy parmesan cheese -- (optional) Put a large pot of water on to boil. Drop the pasta into boiling water and cook according to the package directions. Add the cauliflower and broccoli during the last 3 minutes of cooking time. Meanwhile, place the water in a small nonstick saucepan. Add the leeks and garlic. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 2 minutes. Add the tomato, parsley, mustard, vinegar, and pepper. Cook for another 3 minutes, stirring occasionally. Drain the pasta and vegetables. Place in a bowl. Add the tomato mixture and toss well to mix. Sprinkle with some soy parmesan cheese, if desired. Serve at once. Servings: 6 to 8 Per Serving (excluding unknown items): 8 Calories; trace Fat (26.0% calories from fat); trace Protein; 1g Carbohydrate; trace Dietary Fiber; 0 mg Cholesterol; 65 mg Sodium. Exchanges: 0 Lean Meat; 0 Vegetable; 0 Fruit; 0 Fat; 0 Other Carbohydrates. I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. ****A Parting Thought **** "The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." (Amy Poehler)
One afternoon, the manager of our grocery store saw an older somewhat bewildered man staring at his shopping list. When the manager approached, he noticed these words printed in large capital letters at the bottom of the page: "YOU ARE NOW DONE SHOPPING, COME HOME!"
Disclaimer : All of my materials are Borrowed from various areas on the web and from my readers. All are
believed to be public domain . If you hold copyright
on any of these materials please inform me so I may give the proper credit, or remove it which
ever you prefer. ~ GOD BLESS AMERICA ~ To subscribe, Click on a link below 25438-subscribe@zinester.com or http://lists.topica.com/lists/Thedailyfunnies ~ To unsubscribe from this opt-in mailing list click on link at the end of this mailing ~ Regarding any problems In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me with question or comments at: jim4615@verizon.net Jim Dowers P.O. Box 521 Carlisle, IN 47838-0521 &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Unsubscribe link is at the END of this list God Bless America , Our Land , Forever May She Stand &&&&&&&&&& THIS DOCUMENT IS VIRUS FREE Scanned by Avast virus protection and AVG EDITION 8.0 ~ Thedailyfunnies-unsubscribe@topica.com |
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