I always know God won't give me more than I can handle,
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked ,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

July 2008


Thought For Today:

Well,I'm back again .I haven't got the ark built,but I do have the computer repaired and another new modem.About $300 altogether.
It seems like all we've had is storms for the last month with a few hot,humid,sunny days sprinkled in between.Didn't even have a chance to turn the computer off before disaster struck.
The regular issue will return tomorrow night.Thanks for hangin in there...................Jim

These were first published on Topica 7 /4 / 01 unfortately I have no record
of the first year,all of those were lost.O n this July fourth The Funnies will be
8 years old........Jim

BUTT PRINTS IN THE SAND
One night I had a wondrous
dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious
Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints
appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are
large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My
child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I
challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me
wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you
would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on
your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight,
and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their
butt prints in the sand."
~Author
unknown
~~~~~~
You Think ?

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into
the air waving his front legs and crashed to the
ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle
tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting
on a branch watched his sad
efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she
chirped,

"I think it's time to tell him he's
adopted."

~~~~~~He was close~~~~~~


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date,
Peggy Sue.

Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail
hairdo. When he

goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites
him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says. "That's

cool." says Bobby. Her father
asks Bobby what they are planning to do.   Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt
shop or to a drive-in movie.

Her father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all of the kids are doing
it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says
"Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says her father, "Peggy Sue really
likes to screw; she'll

screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the
evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt

with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his
date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a
good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue
rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"


~~~~~~

A sad-faced Todd walked into a flower shop early one morning.


The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based
on the look on Todd's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Todd
asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.


"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday
~~~~~~
THE NEW SECRETARY

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at
his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.


"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new
secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette or a
redhead ?"

"Neither. He's bald."
~~~~~~

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give
one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of
our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon,
I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any
advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds
silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go
through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize
it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be
amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of
the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try
my little trick?" she asked.

Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word,
but I did:... ' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly.
"How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her
little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the
city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got
straight As and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and
she bought $300 worth of clothing.

My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring
ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She
went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her
husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the
designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that
all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep
buying."

"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point
of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your
power word?"

Jane shrugged. "Well, I used to say, 'Who gives a
damn?'"
~~~~~~

Little Johnny went to the Doctor to get a vaccination. After the
shot, the Doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to cover the spot on his arm.
Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm.

"But, I put it over where you got the shot to let others know
that it's tender and they shouldn't touch it," replied the Doc.

Answered Johnny, " You really don't know much about little boys,
do you ?"
~~~~~~
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived
an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a
surprising
coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the
bunny was
hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering
through

the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell
down,

also knocking the snake about quite a bit.



"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I
didn't mean to

hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't
see

where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I
don't

even know what I am."



"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story
is much the

same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also
never

knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither
over

you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have
that

going for you."



"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the
snake

slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered

with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your
nose

twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you
must

be a bunny."



"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in
obvious

excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you
the

same way you've helped me."



So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well,
you're

scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no
balls. I'd

say you must be an attorney."


~~~~~~ Some of Lifes Most Embarrassing Moment's
~~~~~~

My husband and I went grocery shopping. We were walking along



next to each other and looking at the grocery shelves. My husband

and I often walk with each other holding hands, so as we went

along, I reached out and took his hand still talking and looking

for groceries we needed on the shelves. All of a sudden I turned

to him to ask him a question and to my embarrassment I was walking

and talking and holding a perfect stranger's hand. My husband
was

walking behind me laughing and almost rolling in the aisles. I

couldn't apologize enough to this perfect stranger, but he also

thought it the funniest thing that had happened to him in a long

time.   

~~~~~~Another~~~~~~


My best friend was a work when a local radio station who was


calling around to ask for Super bowl predictions on the air,


called her office.   When she answered and was asked
who she

thought would win the Super bowl. She said, "I don't know the


Red Soxs?"
~~~~~~UNDERCOVER~~~~~~

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in
one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell
you is that his name is
Murphy and that he's somewhere in
Ireland. If you think you've
located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather
forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's
really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon
as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of
the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you
can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be
more specific because, around here, there are lots of
guys named Murphy.

There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next
block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of
our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith,
who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my
name is Murphy, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the
code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather
forecast calls for mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy
the Spy.

He lives right down the street on the
left."

~~~~~~


To My Darling Husband,

         I'm sending
you this letter in a bogus software company envelope
so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive
the deception, but I thought you should know what's
been going on since your computer entered our lives
two years ago.

      The children are doing well.
Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has
developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a
family portrait for a school project. All the figures
were good but yours was excellent! The chair and back
of your head are very realistic. You would

be proud of him.

      Little Jennifer turned 3 in
September. She looks a lot like you did at that
age. She is an attractive child and quite
smart. She still remembers that you spent
the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a
grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy
and the electricity was out.

      I discovered that the household
chores are much easier since

I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the
feather duster made you sneeze.
The house is in good shape. I had the living room
painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I
asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths
so you wouldn't be disturbed.

      Well dear, I must be going. The
family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much
packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care
of things while we are away. She'll keep things in
order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to
the computer room just the way you like it.


       I hope you and the
computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember
us while your disks are booting.

                                                                                                    
Love, Mary


~~~~~~

You Think???


A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the
members thought they would have some fun with
him. Under his name badge they
printed,   "Hog Caller" as his occupation.

Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was
presented. The Pastor responded by saying, " I
usually am called the 'Shepherd of the ship'...


but you know your people better than I do."

~~~~~~


~~~~~~Hey, They get ya one way or
another~~~~~~


An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in
Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person
can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots
of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started
speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney
asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down
on the sidewalks."


~~~~~~You know where this ones goin~~~~~~

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along
together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and
ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the
cave... "Woooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard
the answer. "Woooooo! Woooooo!Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and
ran in to the cave. The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian
what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. "No", said the
other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a
cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back,that means
she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian
saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and
hollered, "Woooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!" When he heard the return, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and into the cave he went. The Polack started
running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the
Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great
big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the
size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians
found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well..
he ran up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur.
He got in front of the cave hollering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He was just
tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOO! WOOOOO!!
WOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced
into the cave. The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read, NEKKID
POLACK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!

~~~~~~Well excussssse me~~~~~~

Billy was excited
about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after
class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So
Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the
teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned
looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted
The
teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and
asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said
"yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes
later he returned to the classroom and says to the teacher , "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a
while, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five
minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher
asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure,no
biggie, he just had his boxer shorts on
backwards."
~~~~~~

Three nuns on a
train had been getting to know one another and
decided to tell each other
what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex.
Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course,
I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My
greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box
and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly. So
the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have
to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and
I can't wait to get off this train!"

Please help, it won't cost ya a thing
but it will really feel good
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Food For Homeless Dogs
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. 
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

Organ and Tissue Donation/Transplanation 
http://www.organdonor.gov/ 

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.40 to AutismSpeaks
for *each time* this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies
to help find a cure for autism. 
 http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214

About Free Rice
Free Rice is a sister site of the world poverty site
http://www.freerice.com/about.html
 Poverty.com
No one should ever go to sleep hungry....Jim

 

Last Call Y'ALL
I hope you weren't upset with The Funnies absence,I did the best I could

HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW,YA HEAR!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Hey, Let's be careful out there
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PLEASE
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